Sorry jk - i totally TJ'd your thread ... I hope this info will be helpful to you as well.

It's ok TFC!I just wish I knew how to get info!My IC told me last night that if he is having a RA then it is to hurt me and he will be careless and let me know!He also said I have no control over it and I may need to serve my time for a bit until he feels like he has hurt me enough!I really want to know because my H has told me several times that he is not like me and would never cheat on me!He feels like he is superior to me,but if he is involved with someone then he needs to know that even though he may rationalize it cuz I did it first,he is doing the same thing and is no better than me!It's been three months and over the past two weeks things have gotten worse,and he is not only distant and cold,sometimes he is even mean!I don't feel like we have made any progress!

jk,

Did you read my post? Your IC doesn't know how to handle infidelity. I told you what to do, so stand up for yourself and quit being afraid. Kissing another woman when you are married is having an affair as well. Get back in the house, and take a STRONG stand for your M. Your H has lost respect for you, and you need to earn it back. You haven't made any progress because your H is getting sucked into his own A. Start exposing his A now before he and OW get sucked in deeper. Affairs are like addictions and it is easier to quit smoking if you have only done it for a month instead of 10 years. Quit being afraid and start fighting for your M.

Same here! They should share notes ... I haven't figured out how or who to expose my H's "affair" to. Can you check his cell phone records?

jks,

How are doing?

yes jk ... how is today?

JKG,and TFC, I am struggling to hold on with everything I have,but everyday seems worse!I have been trying to figure out my legal rights in regard to the house being community property and if I'm allowed to be there whenever I want,cuz all my stuff is still there!He came into work last night to bring by my mail and barely said anything to me besides to have a good evening!Every time I see him I start shaking!He was talking with my GF who works with me and she made a comment about him seeing someone else and going to a wedding in May with the girl he kissed!He said if it happens it happens,if not no big deal!I think my GF knows more than she tells me!I sent her a text this morning telling her I didn't want to put her in the middle but if she knew something I would hope she would tell me!I also sent my H a txt last night reminding him he was M and if he wanted to behave single and date someone else I deserved to know and that I wanted our M to work,but couldn't work on it if he is having an A!No response!It seems like he cares less and less each week!A month ago we were hanging out every week and he had told me he wanted to work things out! I really need some advice right now cuz I feel like giving up!I love him so much,but I feel like he dosen't love me anymore!How do I get through to him?

I gave you advice. Read my previous posts. Talk with a lawyer TODAY and get back in the house. Expose to his GF that you are still having SF with your H and that he is not getting divorced. Do you want to save your M? Quit putting this off. You are going to have to stand up and do some things that will put you through some emotional turmoil. You need to see an IC and get on ADs to help you get through this. I'm sorry if I am coming off as a bit of a hard-[censored], but I am trying to give you some tough love to snap out of your inaction. Start doing these things TODAY! The longer you put this off, the worse it will get. TODAY, jk, TODAY! Take the rest of the day off work, get a lawyer, and get a PI if you have to. TODAY! Make a doctor's appointment and a counseling appointment TODAY! Complaining to TFC will not help you situation, you need to DO something. You made a mistake, now you need to be strong and face up to it even though it hurts.

jks - Sorry to hear that you aren't making progress ... I know how you feel. Hang in there and try jmwc95's advice.

I have an appt with a paralegal on Tue!Today has probably been the worst day ever and I think he is done!I confronted him about the other girl yesterday again after he told two of my GF he was going to a wedding with her in May!H completely denied any relationship with her besides talking and said he wasn't with anyone nor did he want to be and I need to come to him before believing all I hear!Anyway I told him that if he had any hope in our M he needed to start putting some effort into it and how much it hurt that another woman knew more about his life than his wife!Also that if he planned on going to this wedding with this girl and dating her and continued lying to me about it then I hoped she was worth it and all he stood to lose!He txt me back that she was in the wedding and was going to be there no matter what and to quit texting him unless it was important!Man did that hurt!He obviously has no respect for me,and cares very little!I responded that I believed our M was important and if he didn't feel the same I didn't know what else to do,and I didn't deseve to be treated like crap!No response!Was I wrong to confront him about the OW and his lies!I feel like I need to stand up for myself!I really feel like there is no hope cuz he is too wrapped up in this other girl!Why else would he treat me so bad?

Because he is still angry with you and feels like any of his actions right now are acceptable (whether they are or aren't). Want a reality check? Ask MEDC from my thread ... that is a person that will certainly give you an analysis which will give you some serious thought-provoking insight.

Wish I could offer more jks ... but we are in the same boat, headed up the proverbial creek without a paddle. I am praying for our Hs to come back to our Ms.

Could someone please give me advice!My H is being both mean and disrespectful,and I don't know what else to do!I know his interest in another girl is making it easier for him to be mean,but do I keep holding on?I don't even know how to react anymore!Yesterday when I confronted him about the OW and him lying about her and he told me not to txt him unless it was important it made me want to give up!I know I am the one who got us here but I truly don't know who my H is anymore,and I so wanted to tell him to f*** off but didn't!Do I still keep letting him know I am here and loving him,when he dosen't seem to care?Or do I start moving my stuff out of the house and moving on?I love him so much and don't want to give up,but it seems like he has!Help?It has been 3 months,and seems to keep getting worse!

What happened to the "lay down the law" strategy? Is he not going along with that program?

What do you mean by that ML?I told him yesterday that I love him but don't deserve to be treated like crap and if he wants to be with someone else and go to a wedding with her that I hoped she was worth what he stood to lose!I also said that if he had any hope for our M he needed to start putting some effort into it!He dosen't seem to care anymore!About a month ago,he was distant but at least called and wanted to spend time with me!Is that what you mean by laying down the law?

jik, do you not understand that he has given up? He gave up because you would not give up your OM and your ongoing affair. I bet you even still go to the same gym where the OM is! If I were him, I would have given up long ago and moved on.

But you still have this notion that you have some leverage here and can browbeat and threaten him into submission. It won't work. Nothing short of a demonstration of your willingness to meet his needs and START behaving in a trustworthy, attractive way is going to interest him. Calling lawyers, "laying down the law," "not taking this crap" is not attractive. Who in the world would be attracted by that? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> Do you attract new boyfriends with that approach? I can't imagine a single man who would be interested in that.


This is true, respect has been completely eroded by your affair. It is not earned back by giving him he11.


why don't you just give him holy he11 about it!? Bust his balls! See how far that gets ya. I bet the OW doesn't give him he11 and "lay down the law," does she?

Ok ML!Point taken!I know i have not done all the right things and have let my emotions get in the way,but I have quit the gym!Please tell me what I need to do!I would do anythinhg to save my M!He is the love of my life and I don't want to lose him!Do you think I still have a chance?

And yes I have given up the OM!Over three months ago and have had nothing to do with him since!Why would u say I have not given him up?What have I said to make you think otherwise?

ML,I also wanted to say from a WS point of view when u r in the fog you rarely take your S feelings into consideration,and he has been talking to this girl since Christmas and been lying to me about it!Truthfully he has never really been trying cuz she has been there!How do I fight when he can't even see me cuz he is in the fog?

I read thru you thread and you have been given a lot of advice so I can understand why you are confused. I am not going to comment on any other person’s advice since we are all doing the best we can. I am a BH that divorced my WW. So I am going to give you some thoughts on what may help.

Understand there is nothing my wife could have done to stop me from divorcing her. I thought about it for a while but I did not want to be with a woman that would do this to me. We had talked about infidelity and she said she would divorce me if I cheated and I told her the same. I always lived up to my vows and so I ended up divorcing her.

Now ML does give you some good advice in my opinion. Here is what your husband is seeing right now. He sees another woman that is nothing but nice to him. She is sweet to him and he does not have the baggage.

Now here is what I don’t get. You left him at least twice for another man. You claim you were in a fog but I don’t buy the fog theory. Fog is a term created to explain the abuse of your spouse. I like to call it free will. You chose another man over him for a long period of time. Now you think it would help to act tough with him? I think you should give him space and be sweet to him.

Be someone that he would want to call and text. Anytime he talks to you it should be pleasant and leave him wanting to talk to you again. You blew your marriage and it is in the condition it is because you betrayed him. In my opinion since there are no children he should run for the hills. Here is what he is thinking.

You found a better man than him. One that you were willing to throw him away when it was convenient for you. Your H thinks he must be a better man because you chose the OM. When you had a chance to compare them you chose the OM. As a man I guess we can’t help but look around and realize that there may be better men than us around. He probably thinks he has nothing to offer you since you found your dream man. The sex was better with him, you gave your heart to him. Why would you want to come back to the loser husband? Now I am not saying all of this is true I am saying he is probably thinking a lot about this.

I personally don’t think you are in any position to demand anything from him. Why do you get to play the wife card now when it meant nothing when you were sleeping with another man while you were married? I divorced my wife because I was not going to let someone treat me that way. She could have done anything to me and I took it but when she slept with another man she stopped being my wife at that point.

Now I put my divorce on hold for a bit just to think and she started pressuring me. Calls and complaining and this was after I told her I wanted space. She started wanting to be together and made some threats about moving in with me and I then filed for divorce. Her days of dictating anything for me were over so we are now divorced. She is very remorseful but the damage has been done.

Marriage only has meant something to you when it was convenient. I can’t remember your whole story but I am guessing that your H probably got tired of your abuse and decided to move on and now you want to be married again.

Why should he stay with you? Ask yourself this question. You have mistreated him for so long that he would have to see the girl he started dating all of those years ago. It seems like guys want the girl they met to never change and the girls hope that they can change the guy they have. I guess that is why this marriage is so hard.

In my opinion you need to be sweet and be an attractive alternative to this other girl. On the other hand I think your husband should run for the hills. I don’t want to be mean to you I am just telling you what he is thinking. He probably realized that he cannot make you happy and for most of us husband that is important to him. He probably thinks that you will always look for another man when the going gets tough. I am guessing he probably thinks the only reason you care now is because you are losing control of him. It was probably nice for you when you had 2 men at your disposal but at the time it must have been sucked for him. And hearing “I’m sorry” is not going to cut it.

And if you think you feel bad right now what about your poor husband. The most humiliating thing that any man could have done to me is sleep with my wife. I can’t probably convey how emasculating that was for me.

So be sweet and attractive to him if you want any hope. Again this is only my opinion and I could be wrong.

IHE,thanks for the advice although it is very disheartening,I know you are right!What do you mean by being sweet and attractive?Do you mean sending him txt messages that I love and miss him,or does that also push him away?Do you have any suggestions?