Hello everybody,

Every once in a while when I'm reading through this site, I see something very disturbing. Some of you have listed in your sigs a "false recovery", sometimes with supposed NC dating back more than a year.

I'd like to hear some of these stories, and maybe learn some things to look out for. I feel like our recovery is going well, but it is my worst nightmare to uncover contact a year from now. Did some of you feel that everything was great, "better than before", only to find out otherwise much later? And if so, how did you handle it? How do you trust that the next "recovery" is real?

Thanks,

NS

Hi NS -

Generally, the BS will have a gut feeling that something isn't right, or there will be obvious signs.

In my case, it was lack of any apparent forward motion on our recovery, coupled with a lack of any apparent remorse on my wife's part. When I became of aware of contact after I thought NC was established, I was not entirely surprised. Dissappointed, yes, but not surprised.

That's why (to me, at least) it's critical that a couple in recovery have a plan to not only get NC in place, but to keep it there. That can include, but is not limited to, brainstorming what to do in the event OP attempts contact, or if the FWS bumps into OP, or if FWS has a desire to contact OP, etc.

This is where Radical Honesty and 100% accountability for time and finances comes in.

Well of course I immediately opened this thread! LOL I don't believe that my H cut off contact immediately. But I agree that there is a gut feeling that is just obvious. It's sometimes hard to face but ya feel it.

I actually confronted my WH about some very short cell calls after d-day and he basically responded in a way that I felt was appropriate and didn't stumble or avoid a direct response like he had in the past. I think knowing their style of lying is very helpful. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I'm not in a significant place to give any advice but I do agree that your gut tells you a lot!

Thanks for your replies. I did have that gut feeling in December, and I was right. But by January I was feeling pretty comfortable until I discovered the phone contact early in the month.

Now, I don't know what to believe. I do feel like she is being much more open with me, and she has agreed to tell me immediately of any contact. But even that agreement was not what I would call "enthusiastic". Her initial stance was that she can't promise to tell me "because she might forget". But she eventually agreed to tell me immediately so that she wouldn't forget.

So many things in the marriage seem better, and my feelings for her are growing stronger by the day. We talk more and spend more time together. We plan our days and our futures together. We are very transparent with each other in our daily activities. But still, she has never expressed any remorse and for the most part seems to blame the whole thing on me. Her stance seems to be that the A was justified because it was the only thing that would wake me up.

We have such a beautiful home and children, and I think I have shown my wife my eagerness to work on this marriage and my desire to make her happy, that I sometimes think that there's no way she could hurt me again. But then I see these stories of people who think they are recovered and it all just happens again months or years later. It terrifies me, as I feel like I barely survived the first time.

I guess all I can do is keep meeting her ENs and hope for the best.

NS

NS -

If last contact was early January, she's not even through withdrawal yet. From what I've been told, remorse and apologies generally come after withdrawal is over and the WS is out of the fog.

Keep meeting her ENs, keep doing what you know is right, stick with the recovery plan (honesty, 15 hours a week together, etc). These things take time.

In the meanwhile, keep your eyes and ears open. I'd continue to verify that NC is in place - even if that means you're snooping (though if she's being 100% honest, you should have access to all her accounts and what not).

Thanks healingbird,

She has given me access to all of her email accounts. Well, actually, I had access already through my spyware, but she now says she doesn't mind if I look. The problem with that of course is that if she knows those accounts are open to me, then they are pretty much useless for snooping.

Short of sitting under her desk all day at work, I have very few means left of verifying NC. It makes me feel pretty vulnerable. But then, I guess I always knew that I would be taking a risk by fighting for the marriage. What can you do?

NS

NS ~ my husband and I went through a false recovery. You will know something is up by how your wife acts towards you.

I knew before I had proof because my husband's behavior was not "better than ever", in fact he was pretty hard hearted.

When I described this to Steve Harley, he told me flat out, the affair was back on and to start writing my plan B letter.

I did, and found proof a week later.

In real recovery, we were truely better than ever, but it was a long long time before that fear of being duped again went away.

Some it just takes time.

If you really are concerned, call the Harley's, they can tell you what is going on.

Hi,

I so wish I had kept reading on MB once I thought we were in recovery. My first D Day was nearly 2 years ago. Things got REALLY bad a few months after that, then they seemed more hopeful. We decided to have another child (95% my husband's wish) which I took to mean that we were getting back on track and he was in this for the long haul.

Meanwhile a few things really bothered me. I didn't obsess about them all day long, but I did notice these things:

• He never seemed deeply sorry. Had I been in his shoes, I would feel like the scum of the earth and would tell him how sorry I was very often. I would suck up, BIG time!

• Although things were improving, he was still quite offish - especially looking back. I thought that maybe he just needed space to get his head together after everything because his affair was so out of character that I thought it really must have messed with his head.

• He was not openly protective of his laptop and cell phone, but enough for me to notice.

• He did not seem the least concerned that I haven't worn a wedding ring for 2 years.

When pressed to explain some of the things he always had good enough answers; high pressure career, kids, no time for himself, needs to just clear his head; the last few months/years have been really hard blahblahblah.

Typing this I really feel like an idiot. I had a gnawing feeling that would not go away. I didn’t harass him about it because I didn’t want him to feel like I was rubbing his nose in the fact that he’d had an affair and I was going to hold it over his head for the rest of our lives.

Then 2 weeks ago I found her number on his cell phone under a false name, confronted him and he told me they’d been in contact the entire time and things were emotional.
3 days later he told me that they’d been having a physical affair the whole time too. He travels for work and I guess she does too. Even though he denied this a million times, looking me directly in the eye, as though I was a neurotic wife for even asking.

The amount of deception is outrageous. And this from someone who was known by many for his honesty and integrity.

You never really know someone.
TRUST YOUR GUT FEELING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am so sorry you are going through this again. I can relate. My WH had his first affair in 2001 and never really was remorseful. Didn't act like I would of if I had done that to him.
Alot of the things you wrote could of been me...
He's now having another affair and out of our house and we are divorcing. Although I'm trying to put it on hold for awhile.

Hugs
SH01