my stick is on the other Ken313 thread.

I was hoping the FWW out there could provide me some insight into my wife and what is happining inside her. I feel thge better i understand her the better i can adapt as well as have some empthy.


Thanks

bump

Hello Ken, I'm a FWW (EA last Spring). Let me know what questions you have and I'll see if I can help. I'll try to locate your other thread, I think I may have already posted there.

hey Jim

Hope today is better for you. Let us know how MC went today.

Let's change your title to:

"FWW, I need your help - WW left me"

Then give a quick update here on this post. Start with your background. Make it short and direct. Most of the pros here are fast and have seen your sitch before.

Jim, this is far from over.

Oh I have many questions...

Can you explain how it feels being in the fog, what it is like, how you thought and your normal (pre fog) thinking was effected...

I am intrested in the "typical WS script" Do they really beleive the BS or do they realize it is BS... Are you scared, mad, confused, hurt etc.

What broght you out of the fog, what time frame did it take. Did it take some kind of dynamic event...

Basically I am trying to see things from WW perspective,
since she isn't real talkitive. From reading things here it appears the process is simular many people... So I was hoping to gain some insite into the "Beast" I am at war for my marriage and I want to know and understand the "Emeny" (fog)

I'm on my way out the door, but I'm gonna try and answer your questions, I apologize if my responses seem hurried, but I know you're anxious for whatever help you can get.


I didn't think I was in a fog at all. I was like a completely different person, completely...I call it my psycho period. I said things that I normally would never have said...I viewed the past with distortion, not as it really was. A lot will depend on what the OM is feeding her too if she is still in contact with him. Mine was very good at manipulating me into thinking my DH was a bad, selfish person who didn't care about my happiness, and that he, the OM was the only would who did. If NC hasn't been established, it absolutely has to be done by whatever means necessary, for her to ever begin to think clearly.



yes, they believe it all, hook, line and sinker (this is my one shot at happiness....blah, blah, blah)...I was scared, mad, confused, hurt all together.


two things in my case, DH said he would (I checked w/lawyer and he could) keep kids from me, that was beyond what I was willing to give up...and the OM's wife called (which he had said was ex wife but wasn't...) and both events shook me up enough to realize that I couldn't continue down this path.


and that is great...your wife will seem alien to you, she is like a completely different person who acts and thinks completely contrary to the wife you knew. You can't talk her out of it or reason her out of it. You have to have no contact, keep LB's to a min., meet her EN's, she will go through withdrawal and then she will begin to start seeing things for how they really are. Some days you will see hope then maybe it backslides, that's just how it works, that's her wrestling with what's going on in her mind, sorting it out.

It's a long, tough road. Prepare yourself for a tough road ahead...but my DH did it and so can you. And we are so much better now than we ever were.

hang in there

Psyco ok that works for me my perseption is like she is a cokmpletly diffrent person, diffrent music, acting younger, dressing younger, drinking like a 22 year old in collage, getting a tatto...

think OM is out... unless there is an OM/OW i havn't detected one and have no confirmation of an active EA/PA. However her sister who is toxic and a GF -co-workers are both feeding her a line of BS... And seriously enabiling... could that surplant the OM BS?

I cringe at how warped my thinking was back then.
But at the time -- you believe that you make perfect sense (although you tend to find new people who will support your new ways of thinking)

I paid more attention to my appearance (and wouldn't let BS touch me because I was ANGRY for not meeting my admiration need. When he tried to later, I didn't believe in it because I had already found someone to meet that need when BS didn't.)

I became interested in new/different things because of what OM was interested in.

Started drinking more, got my bellybutton pierced, changed my style of dressing. More because I felt better about how I looked than because of the affair.

Had extreme anger at BS. I didn't want to fix things, but didn't want to leave.

Yes, absolutely. If you have people telling you, you deserve to be happy, if you're not happy, leave, etc...you're going to buy it, it fits in with the fantasy you've already got going, confirms in your mind that being selfish and hurting someone else is ok.

In response to Lexxy, I didn't hate my FBH, I actually told OM that. I had guilt during the A. I said I didn't want to hurt H but I just wanted to be happy. I knew then that H was a good guy and didn't deserve what I was doing and going to do (leave). So I think maybe I snapped out of my fog a little faster because of that, I don't know. Also, the OM started doing things that showed he wasn't who he had been portraying himself to be.

Thanks keep them coming... what you ladies are saying sure seem to fit WW to a "T"...

I have no way to asertain at the moment if she is in a PA ongoing or maybe has one cued up for the move out????? , unless with her lez GF, but as i said no evidance... I do know her sister and GF, friennds at work all hate me and think she should divorce me, how do i combat that?

Well off to IC/MC wonder what bomb she drops today...

Great question. How do you combat that??

My ws has surrounded herself with people that are out to get me.

My detractors.

Should I try befriending them so as not to fuel their anger?

This was par for the course with me too. But at the time you think you're original with all the crap you say.

I had lost alot of weight and I was more confident etc.

I didn't believe my BS either when he said he would change- because he'd told me over and over many times that he would and then he didn't. I would say I was selfish and in a rage that he wouldn't meet my needs despite me actually telling him over and over exactly what I wanted. He actually told me he was too busy to work on our marriage. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

well did the MC today WW is still pissed... i mostly just listened to her verbly bash me to the counsler, and let the counslder do the defending for me and bring me into the converstaion... she isn't going out on our anaversary is "busy" moving in etc etc... we basically left it that she will contact me to tlak, go out etc. but she need to give me some notice to be fair. I indiacted she has first shot but if she isn't desiring to go out I wont be twiddling my thumbs and staring at 4 walls... I will be doing theings and having fun.. counsler aid that is good and healthy... so now we wait and see...

ok what is the normal (average) time frame for a ww to return if they are going to? I am basacally waiting on her to call me.. and not holding my breath...

I am not seeing much light at the moment

bump

Ken, my sitch is a bit different from yours. I never left my marriage physically and I never verbally bashed my H, in counselling or out of counselling.

However, yes, you really do believe the BS, you don't think it's BS, you think it's the most unique love story on the planet.

I came out of the fog bit by bit. It wasn't one event, it was a series of events. It was willpower on my part some of the time and consciously MAKING myself come out of the fog. It was doing all I could to reignite the spark between my H and me. I read EVERYTHING I could lay my hands about A's, about grief, about relationships. My H was wonderful. Forgiving and loving and did all he could to bring us back together again. (eg Plan A).

MB was great. The people here were great. JL was particularly great. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

We had some very bad moments - my H shouting, me crying - but they were few and far between.

I think one of the things that really affected me was the fact that my H said he would walk away without looking behind him if I saw the OM again.

Time frame to remove the fog - FAR TOO LONG.

The time frame varies honestly.... Mine took 3 months seperation and 4 months to move back in with H.

When I was in a fog I did what I wanted ... What H wanted at the time was not his decision or even on my mind. I did things differently and behaved differently. I did the typical speech of I Love you but not in love with you...yada yada yada ...

What brought me out? I would say when I hit rock bottom. I was pregnate with OM child and saw he didnt care much to stepping up to the plate. I was losing my apartment I got when I moved out. The OM wasnt contributing to anything such as bills or food. It was left up to me. I couldnt watch my youngest at the time that I wanted to keep from H desprately cause I thought he was the bad guy. I broke down called my SIL and told her to contact H to get youngest I was losing it all. I didnt expect my MIL to get the money to move my things out of the apartment back to H side of town.

Its been a long very very long road *8 yrs ago* since then I have been fully honest with H and well he told me of his A he had while we were seperated so we are almsot starting anew... I dont know if this has helped you at all but it gives you some idea of what I went thru.

yes it helps i would also like to know did you go dark with the H when you seprated, as in didn't give him you addy or phone number and block caller id stuff like that... did you beg off MC?

I really an tired of reacting, i want to know ewhat lies ahead and what to expect so i can be prepaired for it for a change

So if i understand you right WW has divorced me minus the court hearing, and she should be expected to act like i don't exist or matter untill such time as her house of cards fall down or i have had enough and D her?

am i understand it right?

Jim,

She wants you to D her. She doesn't want to be the bad guy. Here is a suggestion. Call up the phone company and let them know that you will not accept phone calls from unknown callers. That way, she has to let her number be shown to your caller ID to connect with you. The whole time continue to plan A her, so she will realize that you aren't budging, you won't be the bad guy, and get her hooked on you meeting some of her ENs.