Hi all, I'm back. It's been a year since I discovered H's EA at work...rapidly approaching PA, and I'm still not sure it wasn't PA especially considering recent discoveries. He left the job in October. He recently confessed that OW wasn't letting go easily. He had agreed to NC and it turns out he was still talking to her on a regular basis. He also told her that I had access to all his e-mails to make sure she never e-mailed him anything he didn't want me to hear. He claims he just didn't want me to find out they were still talking. Anyway, he claims he was afraid she would tell people, which would essentially ruin his career. I'm not sure if I believe any of this. He has tangled himself in such a web of lies. It's been a year since I discovered the EA and he's still lying about it. I can't move on without complete honesty. We can't have any secrets. But he is SOOOO good at lying, how will I ever know? I don't want to live like this anymore. I don't want to hurt my children. Has anyone here chosen to "stick it out" for the kids? I know I'm going to need some counseling if I do that, but right now I'm not prepared for the drama of a divorce. Anyone else just getting by? Any advice on living with a chronic liar??? I've tried to detach, but he always sucks me back in. Detachment is the hardest thing I've ever tried to do. Any advice is welcome...

i lived with a chronic liar. he still lies if he thinks he can get away with it, but i always catch him and call him on it.

why would you want to live like that? just getting by? for the kids? have to go to counseling just to tolerate staying in the marriage? THAT is no way to live. you and your feelings and happiness count too. he still has contact and apparently has no desire to stop having it. he will always lie as long as he gets away with it. mine always sucked me back in as well. made me feel sorry for him, etc... NO MORE!

if he is not willing to have NC for real and stop the lies, than you need to decide if this is really how you want to live the rest of your life and if that is the kind of marriage you want your dd's growing up thinking is ok. because they will learn from the examples they see.

mlhb

I too have chronic liar for a spouse. Their lies are a form of mental and verbal abuse. I don't know what to tell you about "fixing" his problem because nothing that I have done to date has managed to have any impact on my spouse. I am nearing the end of my rope with him and beginning to detach myself from the marriage. It is going to take time to reach the point where I can walk away and not get sucked back in to his drama but it's going to happen eventually unless he decides all on his own that he wants to change.

Hopefully, it will happen before it's too late to save the marriage but I am not counting on it. It seems to me that there is really nothing that you can say or do to a chronic liar to make them see the error of their ways. They are delusional and as far as they are concerned they either 1. have a perfect justification for lying or 2. The lie becomes their truth.

Not trying to bring you down (even though I know I just did) I am just telling you what I in my thick headedness have only just begun to realize.

Hi confused,

I am right there with you. My WW left her job 7 months ago but refuses to give up contact with OM. It is just a constant game of lies from her.

I have been in Plan A for quite some time now, but I feel like I am coming to the end. I am trying to hold on for dear life at this point ONLY for my 3 year old son. I have been thinking the last few days and as much as the thought of not seeing my child every day tears me apart, I can no longer live like this. It is just not right for one person to treat another with such disdain. Just take some time and think whether you can really sustain a life JUST for your children. We need to be happy too. We deserve it regardless of what our spouses think.

I don't know if that helps at all because I know it is not an easy thing to think about. But just remember, you deserve happiness (whether in a relationship or not) just as much as everyone else.

TTG

go logical

does the OW have the power to ruin his career..
is this true or false..

start with that..

if false..

contact the OW tell her what he said..

she won't let
she keeps harrassing him

in otherwords expose to the source...

then tell your husband...

you don't have to hide things from me..

it's all in the open now...

ARK

Chronic lying is a big part of passive/aggressive behavior. You might want to check the links in my sig line and see if they speak to you.
Mulan

Thanks, TTG. Sounds like I am not alone. I have a 3 year old girl who adores her dad, and neither of us can stand the thought of SHARING our kids. We also have an 11-month old. I discovered the A when I was 8 months pregnant, which speaks a lot about his character. It has pretty much been a marriage of necessity...I had no intention of dumping my kids in daycare, so I decided to stick it out. I thought I could detach and not let the lies bother me, but being home all day with the kids impedes the "putting it out of your head" plan. Anyway, I'm stronger now, back to work part-time, gaining a little more sense of my old self. I know I'm worth more than he can give, and I know there are people out there that could make me happy. I just can't bring myself to leave...or kick him out. I know it's not healthy for me, and eventually it will end. I just may need to wait until the kids are a little older and less needy. I'm stuck in "purgatory" for a while...In the end I will do what's best for me AND my kids. It's nice to have other people to talk to who are in the same boat. Well, hang in there everyone. Our day will come...

Confused,

Oh believe me, you are hardly alone. The thing is, you have to get this thought of being afraid out of your head. Your WH isn't certainly afraid of anything. He is having agreat time. And the worse thing is, he knows you know what is going on, yet he still continues to do it. This is extremely disrespectful to you (and your children)

Believe me when I tell you I am in no way trying to put you down or chastise you for your actions. As noted above, I am going through the same thing. I hurt every day, and I suspect you feel something similar. Plain and simple, it sucks to feel like this. And for what? Why do we deserve any less in life? Because our WS's think so? Maybe when we discovered the affairs we could buy into that train of thought. But as each day passes I am starting to not agree so much.

You say you want to be there for your children, and I understand that 110%. You say your WH couldn't imagine splitting up the kids. Well, what is HE doing to make it work? He doesn't think his actions are hurting his children?
No child asked to be brought into this world. They never had a choice. Children thrive off of their parents happiness. You can't be happy carrying the weight of his affair on your shoulders while he just does whatever he wants. So if you want to do what is best for your children, you need to stop being afraid. Who cares what HE wants.

May I ask what you mean by chronic liar? Open to anybody.

I ask because I think any WS is a chronic liar at least while the A is active. They lie because they know what they are doing is wrong, but they don't want anybody to think bad of them.

If you mean someone who lied long before the A and/or after the A had ended. I think the answer to handling that sitch depends on why they lie. Similar to what Mulan suggested about if they are P/A.

Ark- OW could definitely make his life difficult...school administrator/ teacher, both married, huge No Child Left Behind grant money being used for the "conferences" they were planning (never went)...could get very ugly. Ofcourse watching his career go down the tubes would be somewhat rewarding, however, I don't want to have to work full time to support my family right now. I want him to support us so that I can be home (at least part-time) with my kids. I am a very firm believer that kids 0-5 yrs NEED a parent home AT LEAST part time. I feel very strongly about this.

Mulan- we've spoke before...definitely PA...H doesn't think counseling will help...not very receptive to it...huge family of liars/ narcissists

I hear you, TTG. I think the same things all the time. I keep convincing myself that I can detach and just deal for a WHILE.

CHRONIC LIAR- Lied in the past about cyber-cheating addiction (whole marriage), continued to lie after EA about NC...definitely a chronic condition...needs therapy...I'm not willing to wait for him to fix himself anymore.

OK- so here's a questions for everyone- Plan A obviously has not worked for us. He agreed to the Policy of Joint Agreement, as well as Radical Honesty...and didn't cut off contact...and continued lying. He has since left the job, but I'm just now finding out he's been lying about communicating with OW.

So is there anyway we could do plan B without living in seperate homes? Our 3-yr-old is having minor surgery soon, and we're still dealing with some medical things with the baby. My sister-in-law is in the middle of a seperation as well as my brother. I'm just not ready to bring the drama of our seperation on to my family or my kids.

But, I'm in misery. I don't trust him and I don't believe anything he says. I'm just not ready to seperate. Is there a plan B+???? Like live together but detach emotionally? Is that going to be worse on the kids (short term) than kicking their dad out?? I know I have to consider my pain and my feelings eventually, but right now I think daddy moving out will just be TOO MUCH for my 3 (almost 4) year old. I can't stand to see her in pain. I think if I can detach, and not let what he does/ doesn't do bother me, we can live together for a while....