Mimi,

What do I PRAY for?

WH to wake up and come home?
Peace, so me and the kids can go on.
My pain to end?
Money to survive?
WH's A to explode?

I've prayed so long for all of that, cried so many tears in church you have no idea. I just feel like nothing is working and why bother?

Not very Christian like huh?

I'm so sorry to hear of this tragedy, divorce is always a useless tragedy. I too have felt abandoned, but have never given up hope. I have prayed everyday for the re-unification of my family, and I stand on the precipice of divorce now. I may have the same feelings you have in days, maybe weeks. I'm praying I don't have those because I have to believe in his plan: That He will reveal it to me in time. I will undoubtedly call on Him again, I can't walk away if this is his test. Someone told me that we sometimes live a life of suffering with the knowledge that our happiness awaits beyond death in His Kingdom. Someone also told me that His plan will include happiness in your life, just not now. Stay strong, believe that happiness will return to you.

When I don't know what to PRAY for, I PRAY the LORD'S PRAYER.."THY WILL BE DONE"...

Thanks Mimi,

I pray that along with Hail Mary every single night.

(((cat)))

I didn't know how to pray either, and felt (and admittedly sometimes still do feel) abandoned. But I'm not.

Do you know where I've been? Do you remember my story? Cast out, locked up, taken away from my family, unable to even speak to them, humiliated, exposed, stripped to my underwear, unable to relieve myself privately. At the mercy of strangers, and people who would have scared me.

But do you know what I found? I found compassion. Not from the "professionals" Not at ALL. I found compassion from the heroin addicted prostitute who was in jail for the 10th time. I found compassion from the young mother who had the misfortune of slapping her husband in the plain view of an undercover cop who was staking out a house down the street. I found compassion there...and I was able to offer compassion, too.

Do you have any idea how many Hail Marys I said? That was my darkest hour. I was at the absolute BOTTOM. How can one go any further into the pit?

But it was the beginning of something, too. I finally stopped fighting everything and everyone around me. I HAD to ask for help and I had to accept help. I HAD to accept what was happening, because I no longer had choices. My choices were taken away.

I talked to my therapist about this today. He asked me why I didn't just give up. Why I have grown, "blossomed" as he put it...instead of turning dark and cold and hard. He kept pushing me on this...not letting me off the hook..I had to tell him WHY.

At first I said I didn't have a choice. It was sink or swim. Live or die. Human instinct is to survive. But he wouldn't let me off that easy....that IS A CHOICE he said. Some people just curl up and wither. Why did you choose NOT TO?

I finally came to it (what he was trying to get me to see/admit) that I AM A SURVIVIOR. I AM NOT A QUITTER. I AM A FIGHTER. And I didn't know that about myself. I didn't know that I was capable of such compassion. I didn't know that I was so full of love and forgiveness. I didn't know that I could survive something so horrible.

God did. He wanted to SHOW me these truths about myself. And this was the way he chose to reveal them to me...he didn't make the A happen, but he helped me CHOSE how I would respond...live instead of die...swim instead of sink.

So no matter what happens...I have been given this gift.

Can you find any gifts that you've been given through this?

I will pray FOR you, cat. Many, many hugs. You are a gift to me.

Cat,
I don't know if you'll remember me but, we posted to each other right after you first came to the MB boards.

I am so sorry that things didn't work out the way you wanted them to. I understand your doubts and fears and struggles.

I understand you feeling like God could have made your H wake up, come back, etc. But, like others have said God gives us free will. He gave us free will so that we could CHOOSE to worship Him instead of being robots. We all have a sin nature and we give in to that nature in varying degrees.

I wish MB didn't exist but, it does because people exercise their free will. But, God is in control. I know that many times He allows strife in our lives to bring us to the realization that we can't do it on our own. We have to rely on Him.

I don't understand why my M didn't work.

I don't understand why my H had an A in the first year of our M.

I don't understand why my stepkids acted like they did.

I don't understand why I reacted like I did.

I don't understand the verbal, emotional, physical abuse.

But, I do know that God loves me and has great plans for me. My life isn't over. I won't die just b/c I get a D.

God won't allow one door to close w/o opening another.

And, I really do believe that your H will one day realize what he's lost. But, you must go on. Your life should not be defined by your marital status. You aren't just Mrs. X. You are an individual with hopes and dreams and life to live and love to give.

I'm preaching to myself as I write this b/c my H has asked to work on the R but I can't get past all the As. I love him, I think. But, I don't think I can go back. His A did end. Your H's will too.

But, try your best to just take one day at a time. Find joy in something.

I can feel the pain in your words and I am so sorry. But, God has something in store for you and He will get the glory from it.

Catgirl, I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I am in the same boat. I finally filed for divorce last month and I'm waiting for the end. I really want to go to my wife and say, "hey, can't you see we really belong together? Lets stop this divorce and fix our marriage." But she is so infatuated with the OP that she would only give me a dirty look. The kids are upset. One was crying in bed just last night.

The simple fact is that your marriage and my marriage and a lot of others can't recover because it takes both spouses to want it. Mine doesn't. Yours doesn't. You could have followed the Harley plan to the letter and it probably wouldn't have made a bit of difference.

Heres to a new beginning. We'll dig ourselves out of this hole and become stronger than before. We'll know how to make a better relationship the next time around. We'll find a better life partner because we will be better partners ourselves.

cat honey i wish i knew what to say to you right now to make you feel better

when i get this low my mom tries to cheer me up by saying that the next man that i love enough to give myself to will be one that WILL stand by me in sickness and in health till death

it really doesn't help cause like you, i still love my H

(and then she offers to shoot my H....cause she's an old lady who won't have to spend too many years in jail if she gets caught.....THAT'S the part that makes me smile)

i'm thinking of you and praying cat.....

Cat...are you saying you are DONE, ready to move on, at peace with that...or are you just having a bad day and needing to take care of yourself for a couple of days, recoup, and get some perspective?

Sorry...call me slow...I'm not sure I understand where you are right now...??

LilSis,

I guess it's a bit of both. I have been having bad days lately, but after WH's attorney asked him in court the other day, if there was any chance of reconcilling with me, and he said "No!", I guess that's when I threw in the towel.

No I'm not at peace with that, but you can't make someone love you or be with you if they don't want to be. I guess I have to somehow understand and accept that.

(((cat)))

Sorry to hear that. It's so sad all around. I was a little hoping that you just needed to take a respite and resume the fight...but I admire you for coming to a place where you are able to....sort of turn a corner? No one says you have to turn that corner right away--only you know when--but you know where it is, I guess. That's a good thing.

I'll keep tabs on your thread and keep you in my prayers. I can tell...in the end, you will find your way to happiness. You feel like God's not there, I know, but he is...he just takes his own sweet time...how frustrating.

I wish I could do something to help. Keep posting, okay?

"I do hope again you are right that he will wake up and see the he** he has put us through, but I doubt he ever will. If anything, HIS PRIDE WILL PREVENT HIM FROM ADMITTING HE DID ANYTHING WRONG. He never was good at that."


Didn't satan have the same problem with his pride, that was the reason he was kicked out of heaven.....

I also agree with that when you are in that low spot is when "evil forces" try to break your trust in GOD, He did give us free will to chose what direction we want to go in all aspects of our lives, just as you have chosen to remain faithful in your marriage your ws has choosen a path that will only bring him superficail pleasures for a momnent, but in the long run he will have to come face to face with the pain that he has doled to those he was suppose to love and protect.....