I posted here last year, seeking advice on whether or not to tell my dh of an affair.

Some background: A was with co/w. I had intended to leave my M and my dh knew the M was in trouble but not of the A. Found out OM was also having an A with another co/w. We confronted OM and his gf. Needless to say, it wasn't pretty, but I honestly beleived at the time it needed to be done in order for the truth to come out.

I did tell my dh. He forgave me. I did not leave my place of work due to the OM being deployed all most at the same time. Co/w never told her dh. There was contact between myself, her and at times his gf.

In Dec, I saw his IM online. I didnt' use the account much, and never expected to see the IM so I never deleted it. I IM'd him and he replied. We spoke alittle, mostly apologies for what had happened. Didn't speak again for a few days. It did not take long for the contact to become daily and the A (ea at this point) to continue.

My dh never asked me to promise no contact; nor did I offer it. Never thought it would be an issue with the deployment. I did however promise gf that I wouldn't contact him and I know OM made the same promise.

I realize now just how far I have backslidden and what I must do to move forward with my M again. I KNOW I have to stop all contact. For good. So here are my questions: Should I tell my dh? Should I tell OM that I want not contact ever again? Can I just delete the accounts and move forward?? And the gf? should I tell her??

My only concern regarding doing the right thing now is the situation OM is in w/the war. I know all parties deserve the truth and that it is the only way to truly move forward. However, I'm afraid of what may happen if gf threatens to leave him because of the recent contact, while he is deployed. He is in a dangerous place there and I woudl not want to be responsible for him doing something that would cause himself or someone under his leadership any phyical danger. Given the circumstances, would it be appropriate to just not email him again, delete the accounts and not cause any more harm?

Please advice and thank you.

Go ahead and tell his gf. Your OM is not all concerned about any of this, and he knows himself better than you. He was willing to take that risk so apparently is not concerned. The gf would be wise to dump him.


Yes, you should tell your H and the GF and delete your IM program off your computer. You and your H should write a no contact letter and send it together. If your H will forgive you, I would offer to install a keylogger on your computer and let him set the password on it. Only he should have the password.


This is not good [censored], so don't even use it. He will see right through it. You "promised" to be faithful and loyal to him, didn't you? There is no excuse for a married woman having an affair, so please don't use this rationalization with your H. It won't work, so don't even go there.

Welcome (back) to MB. You're in the right place. One of the pros will be along soon but I'll throw my two cents in...


I'm having a little trouble understanding you. Let me know if I'm interpreting it right...

1. You had an A with OM.
2. OM was simultaneously having an A with another married co-worker.
3. You told your BH.
4. You and BH confronted OM and his (married) girlfriend.
5. (married) GF never told her BH.

Just want to make sure we have the facts straight.


Yes.


Yes. Through either a written or emailed NC letter, preferably reviewed by your BH. And you should make the commitment to your BH that there will be no contact..ever.



Suggest you block his IM. If he contacts you, you can take additional steps like changing your IM, email address, or even phone number.


If I have the facts right...she is married and having an A with this guy. I suggest that the one who really needs to be told something is the girlfriend's BH. If you want to inform the girlfriend of contact between you and OM, that's fine, it might hasten the demise of their A.


Hopefully the GF's husband is included in this circle.


I respect that you don't want anybody to get injured or killed. However, what happens between them is between them. All you should do is state the truth and remove yourself from the equation. Trust that if the fallout from this renders OM unfit for duty, his chain of command will take care of the situation.

The gf is an AFFAIR PARTNER?? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> ugh!

If she is just an affair partner, I wouldn't notify HER but her HUSBAND. There would be no reason to notify her if that is the case.

Delete your IM acct and make a new one. Might have to make another email addy though to do it so there is no way you can be contacted.

Yes you should be honest and open with ALL parties in this situation.

Like Bit said when u tell him and hes on duty his chain of command will take care of matters if hes distraught *sp* over this to make it worse for him to serve his duty in the war.

I think she(AP1) and her married coworker(AP2) confronted OM and his betrayed girlfriend, is what she meant.

That's how I read it, but she also said..

I'm sorry I wasn't clearing in my original post. To clarify: yes, my A was with a co/worker (unmarried but living with gf) He was having another A with another co/worker (married; had not told her bh). When I found out, I convinced co/worker to confronted OM and his gf with me. I went home and told my bh that night.

as for the not promising to have no contact, I didn't mean to use that as an excuse. I was trying to point out that we never discussed it, and I feel that was detremental. I had been reading this board, but bh was not. I SHOULD have suggested a NC letter and a promise of no contact, but I did not. At the time, there was no contact with OM and with his deployment, I (wrongly) assumed there would be no chance; no temptation.

Wow...this guy sounds like a real treat to me...live-in GF, and cheating on her with TWO other women at the same time.

So...if you've read here before, you should have a pretty clear idea on what your next steps should be. I'm guessing you came here for confirmation.

You KNOW that you're going to have to tell your H.- There's no doubt here. How far along the path have you gone this time, with the communication on EA?

You KNOW that we're going to tell you to cut off any and all contact...with an NC letter from both you and your H.- This is a staple requirement of the MB program...it shows OM that there's NO chance again.

Given what you KNOW...what's your plan from here? I'd heartily suggest you put one together. I'd say that you need to plan on both a 'best case' and 'worst case' reaction from your H, and have a plan on how to deal with both. I don't know your H, but it's always a possibility that this could be more than he's willing to take, given that this is a second time around.

So...what's your plan from here?

Owl, thank you for your post. yes, I believe I do know what to do and I am looking in a way for confirmation. But I don't have a plan. And I guess I never did before. I confessed, he forgave me, and we kinda left it there and moved on. I didn't anticipate the contact with OM (although I've had to deal with daily contact with the co/worker.)

I don't know honestly what my H's reaction will be. But from what I know about him, I do believe he will want to try to begin recovery from this. I was concerned about the NC letter only because of where OM is. Most of the posters have felt it needs to be written regardless.

I guess my plan right now is to delete my IM account and delete the email account. I will tell my H. I'm still not sure about telling gf or sending the NC letter to Iraq. Could it be sent to gf instead? Addressed to both of them?

Thank you all for your honesty and for your advice.

Enough discussion of the OM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OP's are life support for penises and vaginas, that is all. They are easily replaced and are interchangeable. Every second spent on the OP takes time away from righteous indignation and correct blame being put on the WS and MORE importantly permits the BS( or in this case the WS) to stagnate and wallow in our own self pity.

Let us ackowledge it, curse their immortal soul and move on to more important matters.

That was my intent was to change the focus over into active measures.

Now...I agree with Cymanca that OM is of no concern to you any longer.

You gave up a right to have anything further to do with him when you crossed the line into an affair...the FIRST time.

I've been a soldier...I am a combat veteran.

And I'll say this. Tell your H the truth, write up the NC letter, and SEND IT. AND FORGET ABOUT HIM.

Don't let your focus stay on OM ANY longer...you need to get it onto your M, and on your H...RIGHT NOW.

Tell your H...AS SOON AS YOU CAN. TONITE IF NOT TODAY. Get yourself moving towards recovery NOW.

Send the NC letter directly to OM...not just to his GF. But, copy her on it as well, so that she's aware of what's been going on and can take her OWN measures of recovery as needed.

Don't delete the account or emails until after you tell your H. Bluntly, he may ask to see them, and I feel he's got the right to do so. He needs to know the scope of what you've done this time. Delete them with him watching.

Don't wait...get this moving now, before you find any reason to talk yourself out of it.

Larcymosa,

Clearly you have done little to rebuild your marriage, if you felt the renewed contact with OM was a good thing for you and/or your marriage. IF you value your H at all and your marriage even a little bit, then you need to make a plan to rebuild it, NOT JUST STOP THE AFFAIR. You have failed yourself and your H in a terrible way.

I will address your concern about OM. First let me preface this comment be telling you, that I grew up in the military, was trained in the military and served in the military. The man you are dealing with doesn't deserve your consideration. He is single, and quite frankly you are simply a conquest, and someone to entertain himself with while bored out of his skull waiting for something to happen. He is NOT IM'ing you from the middle of combat.

Further, he clearly has little concern for you, your marriage, your health, or your happiness. He had little concern for his GF, her health, or her happiness, and he did NOT have any of the above for the third woman he was stringing along. He is a predator and you are just meat.

I suppose I could express this in even clearer terms, but there are standards on this board.

Your concern should be your H, and your marriage. You have read here and you KNOW what you should of done, and what you should be doing now. Once you have done those things I and others would be happy to help you devise a plan for rebuilding your marriage, but better yet have you two considered counseling with a promarriage counselor.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

Owl: I will tell my H tonight. I second guessed the NC letter to death which is why I posted here. Also, I didn't mean to imply I would delete the accounts until I had told H. I do understand he may wish to and has the right to see them.

Just Learning: Thank you for your reply. You have said what I know to be true but couldn't/wouldn't bring myself to believe.

I do plan to tell my husband and I will need help devising a plan.

Thank you both so much

larcymosa,

Believe it now. The man is scum and your choices were very bad. I wish you the best in telling your H and hopefully he will give you the chance to fix alot that is wrong in your marriage.

By the way, I get the idea that you really don't have much respect for your H, could you tell me why?

JL