i found out on monday that my husband of almost 10 years has been having an affair with one of my dearest friends, (someone that i called a sister) for months. a few weeks before my discovery he had told me that he was not happy in the marriage for several years. he said he tried to tell me but i didn't listen to him. he said that he had been drinking and thought of hurting himself- that i didn't pay attention to him enough..
what i don't understand is why didn't REALLY talk to me. why didn't he that he wasn't happy or that our marriage was in trouble- that he had to drink to sleep at night or that he was thinking of hurting himself-
i can't understand why he couldn't be HONEST with me.
i have been in what i thought was a happy marriage all these years-
i have been reading thru all of the atricles in this site and it is very helpful. it is helping me make sense of all everything.
i didn't realize how common this problem is, and if course i never thought it would happen to me.
we were the envy of everyone we knew- i was so unaware of everything.
i love him so much, and even though all this bad has happened...it helped bring everything out in the open.
i actually felt relived-
i think that he has a lot of problems that he has kept secret all these years...i want to help him because i think aside from the affair- he is a good person.

Welcome JB,

The real pros will be here soon. I heard all the same things about how long WW was unhappy and how hard she tried to communicate it to me but for the most part it is crap. They have to find a way to rationalize their A and make you responsible. Start reading everything. Time to get a serious Plan A running.

You are not alone here and so many of these stories will seem just like yours.

Come on pros, get busy!

Well, I'm definitely not one of the pro's here, but...

Has he ended contact with her, completely? An NC letter sent?

If he's not agreed to NC, if the affair is still ongoing...have you exposed to the people that matter in his life (and hers, for that matter) to get the support and help you need to start putting pressure on to end the affair?

Have you read up on plan A? And started implementing it?

Jennifer, welcome to MB. Sorry you find yourself here. Click on the link in my signature line and start reading about the sites concepts. Have you read "Surviving An Affair" or any of the recommended books yet? Are you of the Christian faith? If so, another good book is "Torn Assunder" by Dave Carder.

thank you everyone for responding so fast, i really appreciate it.

faithful follower:
i was actually at boarders last night reading that book- i am going to go oick it up tonight, thank you.

owl:
i can tell you that i know they haven't see eachother since monday- he left for work that day & he's not going to be home until saturday- the day i found the pictures, i called the ww's husband & gave him the info- he was mad at first, but said he was going to try to make it work- i worry about him because he's a good person & very trusting..this isn't the first time his wife has done this to him.
no- i didn't tell his family or friends...i really wanted to wait until he gets home to figure out everything.
i have been reading plan A. i have a lot of reading to do.

chrisner:
thanks for the comments- i agree that when he first told me that he wasn't happy he made it sound like i was hurting him- all the while he had been having an affair with my friend. yeah, it's all hard to swollow.

i will say that we have been talking everyday- when everything happened, he came home from the airport (missed his flight, took a later one) and we talked. no yelling or anything- we both still love eachother. it's really strange. he had started seeing a psycologist begining early january- and asked me last night if i would like to go with him next time. i honestly think he has a LOT of problems that he's kept secret for a long time. his family is really bad- a horrible father that has been married 3 times, cheated on each wife. mom is messed up from the divorce, sister has a lot of problems too. i don't know...i would like to make this a starting point for a better marriage...an open and honest marriage.

he is actually the one that told me about this website.

It's very encouraging that he told you about this website. It's a great place for you, but good for him as well. Very encouraging that he wants to work on things.

BobPure's toolkit is another great resource in addition to WAT's guide.

Try to stay calm. Don't do anything extreme. Don't act out of pain or hurt, but start preparing your Plan A, including exposure.

sdguy038:

thank you for the toolkit info- i will check it out..

to be honest- i am so calm it's weird...i am a total type a person and super hyper..i actually can't belive how well i am doing..i think it surprized him too.

i can tell you that i don't know if we are going to work on things...he is still not sure of a lot of things, and we need to talk more. i guess i need to decide if i can get past this and make an effort too.

i was going to buy that book tonight- i was at the book store, but then i was thinking..maybe i should talk to him first and see what he has to say and take everything in and think about if it's something i want too.

he is out of town, origionally was supposed to return saturday- but this morning he decided that he was going to try to come home tomorrow..then this evening he called and said he was at the airport and would be home tonight. i suppose that is a good sign.

but right now i'm really not sure of anything.

Jennifer:

The calm you feel right now? It's shock.

My DW felt the same thing for the first three-five weeks after Discovery Day.

When the shcok begins to wear off, the enormity of the betrayal of your husband will come into focus.

The next six weeks are the time that you can make the most difference and control the outcome.

Your WH is onboard, to what extent is still to be seen. We can help you guage his committment going forward from here.

Sorry you have to be here. But you are in a good place. You can find alot of help here. Just stick around. And continue to post, vent and ask questions.

Because we can help.

yeah- it is shock.

and even though i know that i didn't make him do what he did- that was his choice...i still feel like a failure.

only time will tell i suppose.

i'm pretty bummed out that i am here too, but i feel like i'm in good company..sorry any of us have to be here. it seems like if people just talk to eachother we wouldn't have these problems..

Just don't make any snap decisions about anything right now. Read what you get told here and listen to what they say. And here's an important one--you already know it, but you will have to fight it anyway:

This is not your fault. And it's not any kind of gauge of the quality of your marriage. Affairs (romantic affairs, anyway) happen more often in good marriages than bad ones.

In this place you will find the tools to rebuild your marriage, if that's what you want to do. Read the Plan A stuff. If the shock wears off and turns into rage, try not to act on it--lashing out at him (and he deserves it) will only push him away. And remember that he has to agree to no contact with the OW. If not, you won't get anywhere (as I found out the hard way).

Be calm and strong.

SDG

saguy038:

thanks for the support- i really need it.

he got the flight in last night- i'm not going to lie, it was nice to see him. we talked for a little bit- but it was late, so we went to sleep.

but now that our trust is a mess..i am up and i snuck his cell phone to see if there were any more text messages between the 2 of them...there were a few from the day i discovered the pictures- but nothing after. he still had old ones in there & there were voice mails still (which were really hard to listen to) and her contact info. i deleted all of it, i don't know if that was smart of me or not- but i guess i wasn't thinking...he knows that i hacked into his yahoo account & sprint account- that is actually how i found the pictures.

why didn't he delete all that stuff?

he had from monday to thursday to do that...

he is acting like he wants to work things out...but, should i belive him when he still had all that info??

What does your GUT tell you? Try to listen really hard to it...get past all the "I want to believe" stuff in your head and listen to what your deepest self is telling you.

That and snooping, of course. Making him accountable, getting a new cell number, passwords to email accounts...he needs to be an open book. Has he done an NC letter? (I think someone asked that already)

It may not feel like it, but you are in a REALLY good place. Your WH directed you here, you are talking...you have A LOT in your favor. You sound rational and sensible and you are doing the right things. Keep reading here and take the advice given. The "just found out" section is a good place to start...it summarizes a lot of what you need to know. You may want to pay particular attention to the sections on withdrawal.

Remember three things: You are not alone, this is NOT your fault, and there is hope.

Welcome to MB...the place where no one WANTS to be, but will be eternally grateful for.

LilSis

Hello and welcome to MB. Please, please, please keep in mind that your WH is NOT trying to "choose" between you and his OW - he thought he could have both of you and he will continue to look for ways to have both of you even though you've uncovered his affair.

In other words - WS almost never change their spots overnight. In a weird way, if you *expect* that he will lie to you, if you *expect* that he will stay in contact with her, if you *expect* him to behave like a crack addict who's just been asked to put down the crack pipe - this gets easier.

Please get those books mentioned above and read the other info on this site - not just the message board. Then come back here and ask any questions you have. Many will be here to help you.
Mulan

Mulan hit another important one. Until he proves otherwise, there is an alien masquerading as your husband. WS's lie, say things that don't make sense, invent problems to justify their actions, and just generally don't behave rationally. They are lost in the Fog of their affair. His actions moving forward will let you know how bad the Fog is. You will listen to your gut, but you should absolutely get help from the people here (like lousygolfer said).

Pittman's book Private Lies is another great resource.

You're not alone. You're not insane. You will be okay.

thanks to everyone here helping me, i appreciate it so much.

here's an update:

he got home thursday night- we talked for a long time..we actually talked about things we read on this website.

he had been reading it for a while- even before he started the affair (which started just after thanksgiving) because he has been so unhappy in this marriage- it's been years i guess. he said he was tring to change himself into what i wanted or needed him to be..he felt that i ignored him, and my responsibilities with my family took the #1 spot that he should have been in. i will admit that i have been overly involved with my family- and that at times 'we' wern't first- but i always asked him if everything was okay and if he was okay- he apologized for making the mistake of not talking to me and he knows by doing that he only hurt himself and our marriage.

friday we went to a movie- had dinner and spent a great night together..
saturday we went snowboarding

so i think we're doing good- it's scary and i'm nervous- but i'm tring...

That all sounds very encouraging, but has he agreed to no contact? Him being "unhappy in the marriage for years" sounds a lot like Foggy justification talk. Make sure you get No Contact.

yes he has agreed to no contact- the last time i talked to the other woman's husband he has made his wife agree to the same thing. he also called my husband & left a message for him saying the same thing-
i know it may sound crazy of me, but i do belive that it is over- it's all out and we're all on top of it.
it seems like the affair is only the tip of the problems in our marriage...we both made some mistakes, he didn't talk to me when he felt unhappy- and i didn't pay attention to what was going on...
we have a LONG way to go-
but talking about everything and being honest is really helping out a lot.