Hello all,
I'm not a newcomer to MB, but spent most of my time over in the EN forum. I've come here to ask for some specific steps I might use to help in the R of my M.

A quick re-cap of my SIT. W and I separated in Nov '06, and have been apart since. She is adamant that she will not consider R, and is trying her best to have zero contact with me. I've sent her a two letters, the most recent one a few weeks ago. She told me she doesn't want to hear that stuff from me ( I basically gave details of how I've been changing and working to change ). She again stated that their is no hope for R.

I had an affair back in May of 2006, and I believe that is the underlying thing causing her unwillingness to R. I've snooped and found no evidence that she is involved with anyone else.

I handeled the A very poorly, and treated her like crap. I did say I was sorry, but really had no idea how to deal with her emotions about it, and was abusive to her when she tried to talk about her feelings about it.

She did say that she may be willing to talk to me about 'the circumstances of our marriage' after 90 days of no contact (sometime end of April).

To her no contact means no talking about 'our relationship' only the kids (we have 2 boy & a girl).

So in the meantime I've been working my butt off reading, posting here, going to al-anon meetings, ect.. I've learned so much, and truthfully changed quite a bit already.

I just thought it would be prudent to ask if there are any specific things I can do to make up for my A. She's not accepting much from me right now, and is keeping her walls up pretty high.

Anyway, any help would be appreciated.

Thanks,

- TTM


P.S. You can read my entire SIT in this forum....
My Story...

I think that respecting her needs is really what should be happening. If you were abusive then she needs time to heal. How long were you in the Fog? I'm new here where do I find your story?

Just click on the link that says 'my story'

I was in the fog for about 8 months. The PA only lasted a few weeks, but it was an EA before that.

- TTM

I hope you have read How to Survive Infidelity . You have been given good advice. This is my question to help you. You have made mistake, how far and how long are you willing to ammend her ?. Make sure you walk the talk otherwise you will regret even more than your afair for the rest of your life. If your M didn't survive your A make sure you and your children do !.

-rh-

Redhat,

Thank you for the question. I am walking the talk, without a doubt. I decided I would make amends for 6 months, and then re-evaluate. That puts me until the end of April. I will do that. At first she wouldn't allow me to make any sort of amends, but at least in that area, she is accepting some work on 'her' house as a way for me to make amends. I don't want to read into this, but it could be a positive step.

- TTM

One of the steps is filling the spouse's EN as much as she allows it. It seems starting open some cracks. Be patience and presistent.

Why do you limit yourself 6 months ? how and what are you evalution going to be ?.

In restoring trust, what have you done ?. I assume you have done no contact with OW. What else ?

-rh-

this may sound harsh....i dont mean it to but, here goes.....what exactly do you think will make up for this??? i dont think there is a thing in the world that can make up for it. now before i get jumped on here that doesnt mean there isnt hope.....but i think it comes down to her choice of whether she is gonna forgive you or not. some do, some dont....i dont think there is anything you can do that will change that, it has to be her choice. it also sounds as if she has a whole lot more than just the affair to deal with. she needs time to figure it out....in the meantime meet any needs you can and continue to improve yourself. it may give her hope.

but i think you have to get rid of the idea that there is "something" you can do to make up for it.

You are NOT listening to her..

She IS telling you what her PRIMARY need is. LOUD AND CLEAR...


It is called SPACE.... She NEEDS space...


Give her that "need"

Let HER do the contacting.
When she calls or contacts you (and she will) learn to be nice, be pleasant, make it short and sweet, end the call first kindly and HOLD THE LINE...

In the meantime....
Learn how to be a happy, mature, productive MAN.

Good luck

You are NOT listening to her..

She IS telling you what her PRIMARY need is. LOUD AND CLEAR...


It is called SPACE.... She NEEDS space...


Give her that "need"

Let HER do the contacting. You PROMISED her you would leave her alone. Be a man of your word.
When she calls or contacts you (and she will) learn to be nice, be pleasant, make it short and sweet, end the call first kindly and HOLD THE LINE...

In the meantime....
Learn how to be a happy, mature, productive MAN. You are making this more complicated than it is right now. Your first step is to give her some breathing space that she is so desperately seeking from you. (Her shoes by the door analogy says much)

Good luck

keepmovn4wrd,

Thank you for your feedback. What do you mean when you said...


??

Do you mean I end the phone call with something like, "Nice talking with you, but I have to run.." and then wait on the line?

Or do you mean hold the line in terms of keeping myself true to my beliefs, and what I promised I would do?


What did that say to you?

Thanks,

-TTM

Looks to me like there are two seperate issues here.

One, she doesn't want to give you much consideration until you prove to her your personal changes have been in place long enough to give you credibility.

Second, you feel a need to do "something" to speed up the process.

My humble opinion...give her that space, but make attempts to meet some of her EN's, but don't start with grand schemes that will likely backfire. Start with baby steps... once a week or so, with a small, inexpensive floral arrangement when exchanging kids, or a pair of ear rings she might like. Think back to what she loved about you when you first met...did you do any little romantic things that she liked back then?

If she balks at receiving such gifts, back off. Keep conversations light and avoid R or M talk, as she's asked. Do some things for you, join a gym, jog, ride bikes, get physically fit. Dress up a notch when you are going to be in her presence, and get some new aftershave or cologne. Look and smell attractive. Maybe a new haircut as well.

This is a very slow process, and trying to rush it will do more damage than good. It takes as long as it takes.

Best wishes,
SD

Shattered_Dreams,

I think you're exactly right. She doesn't want to give me any credibility right now. That's exactly what I've felt from her.

So time and consistency on my part is all that can change that.

As for meeting her EN's non-judgemental conversation is always been very important to her. So I'll try and do that and keep it light and about the kids. That's always a safe topic.

I think you hit the nail on the head with , it takes as long as it takes, and if i try and rush this in any way, it's really me pushing her again.

Thanks everyone, this has been very helpful!

-= TTM

Keepmoving4ward,

Just a bump here 'cause I was hoping for some more feedback from you.

Thanks for what you've shared so far.

- TTM

TTM, not trying to hijack your thread, but I am in the same boat. Although my wife has not left, what has been discussed here is really close to what I'm going through. I didn't understand fully at first, but after going to a couple of MC sessions I now know she needs her space and I need to give her that. I'm just like you, I'm willing to give her however long it takes because I think what we have is worth saving. I only hope that with my drastic changing and trying to meet her EN will be enough for her to stay. shattereddreams, I think you hit my nail right on the head. TTM, good luck and I hope you don't mind me tagging along on your thread.

Lovehurts23,

I'm sorry you find yourself in the same position as I am. I know first hand it's not an easy place to be.

I don't mind you tagging along on this thread at all. I wish you well on your journey toward recovery.

Mine has been a rocky road as of late for sure.

I'm hanging in there..

- TTM

TTM, thanks for allowing me to tag along. Today we went to church and I could barely stand it. As long as we've been together, we would always hold hands sitting in the pew and especially when we would pray. Well the past couple of times we've went, she won't even come close to holding hands. It may sound silly but that's just one thing that was special in my heart that we shared. It's like a stab to the heart. But I will continue to pray and hopefully with a little(or a lot) of time, things will get better.