Hi all,
Just wanted to pop in and share an update and some thoughts.
Its been well over a year since I have posted here. I appreciate with all my heart the help I received here. Many people were very generous with their time in supporting me and offering advice.
I would especially like to point out the wonderings, who were very helpful and giving.
Unfortunately, our marriage did not survive the affair. I followed much of the advice and the 'plans' here. At the end of the day, she wanted out. My friends who know the story are still shaking their heads and fail to understand her reasoning. The good news is I am very happy being single and looking forward to the future with someone else.
Personally, I feel a little sorry for her. I left the door as wide open for and for as long as I could (without losing my own integrity). I have for the most part cut off complete contact with her. I last seen her about 5-6 months ago and at best talk to her about once a month (her always calling me). She contacted last week regarding some financial tax stuff. She cried saying that it was really sad that we might not see each again.
Now, people might read into this as her wanting back in. This is not the case, nor do I want it to be. In her perfect world, I would be her friend, and she would get all emotional support etc. without having to commit to a marriage to me. To continue a relationship in this manner would be unhealthy for me, so I had to take a all or nothing approach with her.
I have started dating a bit, and it has been fun. I am not looking for anything serious now, but at some point I will find the right one and get married again.
Now, here is some random thoughts on things that work well for me etc.
- if you are going to move out, to move on etc. get some good legal advice. Fortunately for me, a good friend of mine is a lawyer. Her advice was before I moved out (WW ask me to leave, I didn't want our place, and I was pretty much done with relationship, and I didn't want my place to be a daily reminder of my failed marriage etc.) was get a separation agreement in place and your money from the equity of the home BEFORE you move out. This ended up being very smart advice as now I do not worry about her causing issues etc. That aspect is signed, sealed and delivered.
- There is life after the breakup, I am not endorsing giving up the marriage without a fight, but if it does make sense to throw in the towel, life does become better. Dating has been super fun for me, though the first one was a bit nerve racking (felt like I was 16 again). <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
- Read, read, read, knowledge is power, and people that go through this need all the power they can get.
- Learn about your failings in the marriage. I don't want to repeat some of the mistakes I made in my marriage. Nobody is a perfect spouse, or a perfect mate chooser, learn as much as you can, it can only serve you well in the future.
- Go to counselling, this is super important. Ideally it will be with your wondering spouse, but if that can't be DEFINETELY go by yourself. The affair is murder on your mental well-being, professional help is really helpful in dealing with everything.
Well, I know none of this advice is new or profound, but it based on my experience and it served me well.
Best of luck to all, and once again thank you to all those who help me.
Cheers
