today, my H admitted that it was not only a PA, but also an EA. i believed him when he said it was just sex, but i was sure it was more on her part.
he says he doesn't know if he has feelings for her anymore, and he doesn't know if he has feelings for me. at least i know what i'm really up against.

he keeps saying stuff like "you'd be so much better off w/o me" and "i'm a bad person, a bad husband", "why don't you just move on" "you deserve better"

and yes, he still works with the OW. i told him i'd rather him work at burger king and be broke than him continue to work with her. he assures me nothing else has happened and that he will start a new job as soon as possible after tax season.

i feel like i'm getting to the end of my rope. i don't want to give up, but it's hard.
should i continue plan A? his #1 EN is SF, but he isn't that interested. it's like pulling teeth to get him to sleep with me.

i'm just bummed today. this is a HUGE step back, not only that it was an EA, but that he lied about it for this long.

please advise.

Sorry to hear this news.

Your H is saying you should move on and find love somewhere else. Sure he thinks that. My wife told me the same thing many times. They are broke and don't know how to fix themselves or the sitch.

Your H will/may continue to lie until he is thru WDs. That can only happen when he finds a new job and gets away from OW. My wife never was "in" our M until she changed jobs and then it took about 3 months.

Why does your H have to wait until after tax season?

The SF will come around when our H feels more connected to you. Right now he is inbetween a WH and H. Now is your time to pull him home.

((((FO))))

Please know that you will be fine...this is very normal...

You may want to let your WH know that he is not a bad person...he has just made some bad choices...we all do...

I have faith that you will both make it through this valley...it's not so deep when you are standing on the other side! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

thank you both for your kind words. it does make me feel better to know that this behavior is normal.

M2L, there is a valid reason he has to wait until after tax season - 1st, it will look VERY bad to a potential future employer that he would put his company in such a bind, leaving during the busiest time of the year. 2nd, he has only been there 8 months, which also would look bad to a future employer
this is why i'm not fighting him on it. i used to be in public accounting, so i know his concerns are legitimate. i know our marriage is more important, i just don't have the energy to fight him on this one right now. most of my time is spent asking, "did you see OW?" "what did she say?" blah blah blah.

i'm so glad i found this site.

thank you all!

At this point you need to put the earmuffs on and just watch the actions.

You are listening to a falling down drunk slur and expell verbal diarrhea and you are taking it as gospel.

Look..sex is a binding act. If you can have sex with someone and feel nothing ...well to me personally that means you are dead inside, broken, missing some rather vital pieces of your soul.

In your Hs situation there are complicating factors..the most urgent being lack of NC.

He is an addict...lots of people think they can stop smoking or drinking until it is actually required of them to do so...then and only then do they realize how attached and addicted they are.

Very likely your H is confusing his attachments [natural product of sex] with LOVE which is a choice and action as well as a feeling.

Also very likely he will experience both confusion and depression.

The confusion will come from his logical acknowledgement that he loves you but feels "in love" with his addiction.

The depression will give him that "numb" or "empty" feeling.

The important thing to remember while all of this hits the pavement is that it isn't personal and it isn't about you.

Take a deep breath and say [out loud] this isn't about me.

The parts of you that are hurt and broken and seeking validation will latch onto those words as confirmation that you aren't loved and this is all hopeless.

It's crap is what it is.

Until he has NC in place and comes out of withdrawl..then commits to an actual recovery plan..until those things are in the past tense ...you just won't really know what you have to work with in terms of the marriage.

It is addiction 24/7 until the withdrawl and the ACTIONS of reinvestment are complete.

Oh..it may help you to process this if you clarify for yourself and set your expectations at "ready".

This is not a D day...this is further information.

And that is likely how it's going to come...in dribs and drabs...truly excruciating...but very predictable and consistent.

D day is resumption of the affair of discovery of another affair.

Right now..as you are not really in recovery I would put you in plan A to set you up well buffered to make either a full and prepared jump to recovery [complete with NC and a recovery plan or plan B].

How is your plan A going?

Oh - ok I don't like it either, but I do understand now.

While my wife was still working with the OM I told her this. "Wife, you know that it hurts me each and every time you see or talk to OM. We can't start to work on our M unitl he is out of the picture. So I would like it if you told me when he comes over to see or talk to you. This would help me feel a little better. You telling me not me asking all the time."

This is, as they say, normal for your H to feel like this and a few lies thrown in. As he comes out of the fog more and more you will see you H not your WH more. The lies will stop and trust will begin to grow.

forgivingone - It IS "normal" behavior and "normal" statements for this stage of your recovery efforts.

Rebuilding a marriage and "refilling the Love Bank" takes time. Rest assured that both are realistic and will happen as you both continue to work at it.

"Feelings," which is what your husband is talking about and what you are feeling, come after actions. You are feeling things as a consequences of his actions and he is feeling things for the same reason. As you both commit to recovery and work toward the goal of a Recovered Marriage, the actions of today, and of each day, will move you forward. But don't be surprised if there are days, like this latest revelation of an Emotional component to his affair, if there are also "backward steps" along the way. I've never seen a recovery that proceeds without ups and downs along the way.

That is why you will often hear recovery referred to as a "Roller Coaster." Endure the down days, address the issues (as you are doing with enduring his continuing work for "a time" where the OW also works), and do what is needed each day to keep moving the recovery forward.

It isn't easy, but it is the course you have chosen just like all of us who have "been there" have also done. KNOW that you can vent, get support, discuss things, etc. here and then take the responses and reject them or incorporate them into YOUR situation and your recovery efforts so that you and your husband can attain the future goal of a Recovered Marriage.

God bless.

i'm not sure. he filled out the EN questionaire, and gave me good marks on everything. his 2 most important, SF and attractive spouse were lacking but are better now with my weight loss and new found sex drive.

he will only have sex about half of the time i try.

how does it sound like it's going?

How about asking your H to do things for your around the house, car or yard?

You know, "Honey, I can't reach the light to dust it. I need help checking the oil on my car. I need your help with...."

Things like this that make a man feel helpful and needed. Men want to fix things all the time (sorry to women who fix things better than men) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> so why not let him feel needed AT HOME by you?


He may end up feeling like:

"Me fix what was broken, Me man, Me now want sex" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /><img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

*grunt of assent*

LOL! thanks! that's cute. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> hopefully it will work!

i have decided to stop all of the questioning during the week, and save them for the weekend. i know i have a right to know and to ask whenever and whatever i want, but i also know it is not fun for him. i am going to try to concentrate on doing fun things during the week so he will remember why he married me.