I'd like to introduce myself and share my story in spite of the possibility of being criticized and judged by what I tell. But I really want to save my marriage and I'm doing everything possible to do so.

I am a recently seperated husband. My wife moved out one month ago. We've been married for 8 1/2 years, no kids but lots of pets.

First I guess a little background. We're both 31. She was previously married for 2 years and her husband divorced her. I was a friend at work and looking back at that time our relationship was probably not appropriate. She had no choice in the matter as far as her divorce was concerned and we really were just friends that worked together. But our interest and involvement grew rapidly after the divorce. So lately our hindsight is that we did move too quickly and at such a young age.

Now comes the present day. We've had a normal marriage up until last summer when an ex-girlfriend started emailing me sharing her marital problems with me. Eventually our conversations grew inappropriate for us to be having and my wife discovered them. That led to the discovery of porn on my computer. Now comes the very difficult part for me to talk about. I took pictures of my wife without her consent. She also found those. They were for me and no one else. Just the fact I took them when she had told me not to was what hurt her. This happened about 7-8 months ago. That week was rocky and she was ready to leave then. Somehow she stayed. Things gradually resumed to a normal state and I guess we just brushed it under the carpet.

Fast forward to November and she sees the camera in the bedroom which brings back the pain which she realizes she's not over. I noticed her mood drastically change and she shared that she was thinking about divorce. I was shocked and tryed everything to keep her from making any drastic moves. For the next month and a half we lived in the same house but that was pretty much it. I tried being more giving. I tried a lot of things. I quit viewing porn. At first I didn't see anything wrong with porn so I disagreed with my wife. Many of my friends convinced me there wasn't anything wrong with it. My views have since changed.

Several months went by without any sex and that really got to me. I asked for any contact between us, even just wanting her to hold me or cuddle with me but she wouldn't. Two nights I felt really alone and desperate and decided to touch her while she slept, except she was not really asleep. The next day she decided to move but did not tell me. I only found out because I noticed a check written for a deposit on an apartment. That whole ordeal is another story in itself so look for that in a future post.

So the last month has been strange and confusing. She says she's been unhappy for a really long time. She says she doesn't love me anymore. Yet she still asks me to do things for her. Friday she calls me and asks me to bring her lunch and I'm only happy to do so. Then yesterday she asks if I could pick her up some things at the store since I was out and about. She finally agreed to go to counseling with me later this week but I feel she doesn't want to go. I think she's just doing it for me.

I really feel I have changed. I no longer have any desire to look at another woman, real or otherwise. She told me not to tell her I've changed, that a person doesn't just change overnight but I feel I have. Maybe I've just done a really good job of convincing myself but all I have to go off of are my feelings. One thing about myself is that I strayed from God. Early in our relationship I was more religious that she. She started to grow in her belief and I withdrew. I think that is the biggest factor in our conflict. Since the problems resurfaced several months ago and especially since the seperation my closeness with God has grown exponentially. I know I am a better person than I've ever been. I also know I am more dedicated to our marriage than I've ever been.

At this point I just don't know what else to do. She says she's tired and just doesn't want to try anymore. She doesn't want any responsibilities and doesn't want anything to do with anybody else as far as relationships go. For her the porpose of the seperation is to discover what she wants out of life. For me it just seems like a slow decent into divorce.

As for the situation of my wife moving out, when she decided to move out she would not even let me know where she lived. I found out by pure chance though. She moved two blocks from my parents house and I saw where she moved to. I wish I hadn't seen. I was looking forward to the day she was comfortable to tell me where she lived. Now I don't have that.

There are other issues with that though. First off she has made several trips about the country with people from work including other single men. She works with an airline so we get to travel pretty easily. She's never given me any reason not to trust her yet when she told me she was thinking about divorce I became severally insecure. I started questioning everything she did and constantly checked her cell phone. After we seperated she decided to go on a trip to Hawaii. That upset me because it has always been a dream of mine to go with her to Hawaii ever since we got married. She told me her plans the day she was going. She knew of it several days in advance but decided to tell me the day of. Then I found out several guys were going as well, one of which I knew she's really friendly with at work. That is, they are buddy-buddy and talk all day at work.

Well the day they got back was the day I found out where she lives because I was leaving my parents house and she drove right by me without noticing. I wish I hadn't looked to see where she was going but couldn't help myself. She called to tell me she was studying and would be over later that eve. It got really late and she didn't answer so I thought about something she'd said a long time ago. She'd stated the guy from work could help her study. That got to me so I drove over and sure enough I saw his car there. That freaked me out. My wife won't let me know where she lives yet she is behind locked doors with another man. That got to me. I haven't been the best Christian but that is waaayy wrong. I confronted her that night and she wouldn't open the door. Eventually the guy left and she talked to me from the doorway. She could see how I thought the situation was wrong but would only state that she knew what SHE was doing and she wasn't doing anything wrong. She did tell me she would meet in a public place from then on but I don't know. I still trust her, some people say my love for her has made me blind. I don't know anymore. For the ten years we've known each other I really feel she's not the type to have an affair. However she has shut me out from giving her any emotional support. She still calls on me to pick stuff up for her. We sometimes go out to eat or to a function someone has invited us to. So I feel she may be having an emotional affair at the least.

We met and talked for over an hour a couple days ago. She agreed to go to see my counselor together later this week but I feel she is just doing it for me or to shut me up. I told her it was important that she not go if she didn't want as it would do no good at all.

I found out last night from my wifes friend she was really close to opening up to me after she got back from her trip. My wife had told me she just needed some time and space but when I showed up at her place that all went out the door. I didn't really understand but I'm guessing her friend was trying to tell me to back off a little and give her the space she needs.

It was weird before she left. I knew she was leaving and I guess I just felt like everyday might be my last so I made extra effort to be close to her, practically smothering her. I know that had the opposite effect.

So now I try to understand her actions. I know I cannot expect anything from her but I don't understand why she askes for things from me like doing her favors, running errands, whatever when she's thinking about divorce. Of course I'm going to jump through hoops to provide for her. It's all I have left.

My counselor and friends have told me to back off and even become unavailable for her. I've quit calling and texting her. I have mixed feelings on that. I miss her voice, I miss seeing her but at the same time I don't want to say or do something that pushes her further away. So I want to talk to her but I'm scared to anymore. It's still hard for me to do. Especially if she wants me to do something for her. The last thing I want to do is upset her by not doing something she wants after all these years I've been the selfish one.

I've notice my W has angry outbursts ever since we separated. We've been separated just over a month. Actually she started having them shortly before we separated. They only seem to be getting worse. She has a real short temper. We were supposed to go to a counseling session together for the first time yesterday but she didn't go. She was supposed to pick me up and then go together. She didn't show and didn't call so I called and got no answer. I ended up leaving and she called while I was on my way. I was very upset and told her so. She started to say she was on her way but I interupted and told her I couldn't believe she put other things in higher priority over our marriage. She ended up hanging up on me and I sent her a text stating I still wanted her to go. She sent me a text back saying, "Forget it! I am done!" I called her and asked if she meant divorce and she said yep. I was able to calm her down somewhat and she gave me an excuse why she was running late. She does have a history on brushing me off and leaving me hanging so I always assume the worse before it happens. I know she did not want to go to counseling anyways so I guess I should have told her not to go. She told me to call her after my session and I did.

In this session my counselor talked mostly about how the W didn't come to the session and how I felt about it and how helpless I felt. He asked what I would do if things hadn't changed after 3, 6, 12, 18+ months. I told him I'd honor my marriage to the best of my abilities and continute to work on myself. It hasn't been easy but I'm past the depression stage. I'm not sure what stage my W is in. She seemed to be in withdrawal. She doesn't let me provide any of her EN's except for the financial ones but she is opening up her own checking account so I'm not sure what financial support she will allow me to give in the future.

We went out to dinner last night and I asked why she still hangs on if she has no hope in our marriage. She said she feels she will be the failure in the marriage if she divorces. I guess a couple people told her that. I told her we've both failed each other in this marriage but I seem to be the only one willing to work on it right now. So I guess she does feel a little guilty. One thing my counselor told me was the possibility of my W trying to sabotage our marriage (even subconsciously) with her AO's and by trying to make me mad enough to do or say something that would justify her divorcing me so she doesn't feel so guilty.

I'm not sure any more. It seems she's telling her friends one thing and me something else as far as whether she wants to try to save our marriage. She's either lying to them to make herself look better (or not so bad) or she's lying to me to keep me on my toes and test me.

Welcome to MB. You're in the right place. I'll give you some hard truths that will sting you.

The Wiccans say "What you send out - you' will receive back times three"
The Bible says "Be not deceived, God is not mocked .. a man reaps what he sows.."
The Hindus call it "Karma"

You're receiving a full return of what of what you've sown. Did you think that what she did to her 1st husband she wouldn't do to you? How did you rationolize that you would be immune from this?

First, know this. You are standing in her first husband's shoes right now. You are now him .. moreso. You feel his pain now. You've inherited it. You must reevaluate everything she told you about her first husband.. Did she say "He was abusive..controlling..jealous..etc?" Did she confide all these secrets to you..? Is that how your relationship developed?

Second, you're wife's having a physical affair with another man. This is truth. They weren't studying.

Start reading up on Plan A .. and Exposure..keep reading here.


Good luck to you.