And you, my friend, have become a PRO at enabling her affair. Do you realize that? By keeping her secret for her, you have allowed her affair to thrive. She has no motivation to stop.

Plan A does not stand for appeasement, but rather, doing everything in your power to bust her affair.

Read this:

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A by Pepperband

The carrot of Plan A


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



The stick of Plan A


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Plan A is both a *carrot* and a *stick*.

I feel that everyone that needs to know already knows. Most of her family knows, so I really do not need to take it much further.

Thanks

Do her parents know? Do his parents know? Has the workplace been notified? Who notified all those people and do they have the correct story? Has your son been told the truth?

Melody, I am not sure if my son knows, I have told him all the recent problems are not because of me. Both sets of parents know, I see no point in exposing this to her workplace as it is not a work related incident. The OMW has told his boss as she gained access to his phone records through him. Like I said before knowing her work environment it would do no good to expose it to them it is not even a factor as I said everyone who needs to know, knows. Thanks

S, ok, so you have spent 2 pages telling us you can do nothing. You can't snoop. You can't expose. [it will do no good] Just what are you willing to do to help yourself? Is there anything you would be willing to do?

Surviving:

This is going to pi$$ Mel off.

But She is right.

What do you want to do?

Exposure will do more to destroy the A than anything.

Yet, you act like it doesn't matter.

Ok.

THEN WHAT IS YOUR PLAN?

Your WW has been doing this for 4 years.

You have known for 8 months.

And nothing is changing.

So, that plan isn't working. Can't you see that?

Let us help you come up with another plan that can lead to success. YOUR SUCCESS.

If you want to put exposure on the backburner, you can. But it will come back to bite you. Depending on how you exposed controls as well. Your exposure may not have been as effective as it could have been.

She is still in your house, that is a huge plus. It makes all the things that we can help you with around here easier to accomplish.

So, once again, what are her top three emotional needs?

And what are yours?

Lets start there.

And create a Plan to stop this other man from [email]F@@king[/email] your W.

oh crap, I better rethink my position; he aqrees with me! LOL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Maybe I have been a bit misunderstood, I have said it is exposed.

S, forgive me if I have misunderstood you. Has this affair, in fact, been exposed to their employer? Were both sets of parents informed by truthful parties who gave them all the facts? The same for siblings, close friends? Was your son told the truth about her affair?

I have asked my son if he wants to know what is going on between me and my wife and he says no, so I stop at that.

Lets get past exposure, what else can I do. I am dealing with a very irrational person at the moment that is impossible to live with.

You will be giving up one of the very BEST tools if you want to move past exposure.

Look at the # of posts next to Mel's name. Think she might know what she is talking about? We could bring in every BM member and they will tell you EXPOSRE to everyone.

Surviving:

We can come back to that.


Lets start with Emotional Needs:

What are yours?

What are hers?

There is a link to this info in the box just to the right here----->

Read though that.

Then order His Needs, Her Needs. Survivng An Affair, as well.

That will give you a greater understanding of all the things that you have been doing wrong in the past.

Does not justify your Wifes Affair. Just gives you aome context to the dynamics inside your marriage.

My reading on this website gave me enough strengh to end my A two days later. Something I never had before.

Are you ready?

Bumping it

LG

I guess the biggest issue i'm facing now, is that we can't stop fighting, she is obviously still going through depression since the breakup with OM, she says she is not sure she wants our marriage to work so how do I go about dealing with all of that and not blowing up from time to time. I realize this is all in plan A but is easier said than done. She is not willing to seek any type of consoling for us or herself. I would actually like her to move out and move to a plan B but finances for both of us will be a problem. And please get off the exposure thing it has been done as I said. Thanks (-:

Glad your back.

Yes we can move on for now.

No plan B at this point. Your wife is lost, hurt, confused and doesn't know which end is up at this point. You will have to be the clam in the face of the storm. Hard yes, but it can be done. I did it and let me tell you I'm not that great. LOL

How? Stop LB (blowing up) with her. Who wants to come back to THAT? All LB does is push her away and lets her say to herself "see, my H is an Ahole and I deserve better so my A was fine." Don't give her that.

Be "the" man, her man and a mans man. Limit your R, A and M talk. When your around her be happy, upbeat and fun. Hard? Yes, but can be done.

Are you spending 15 or more hours per week doing things together. Boat show, play, care shows and the like?

Thanks for that I will try harder, if I haven't already drove her away, i am LBing all the time. It is really tough to spend 15 hours a week with this women, she works in the airline business 6 days a week and gone from home. Well she is home this week, will try harder to get along, actually just has a decent phone conversation with her. We have dinner planned for Valentines day tommorrow, will try my best to be good. Thanks Again.

S40,

My wife changed jobs to get away from the OM. Also gave her more time to spend with me.

Is there a way for your wife to change shifts to require less days working? Can she can jobs at all? Someting in her field, but less time at work?

she is not willing to do that, she does not work with OM, but it is possible they could run into each other from time to time, her work rotates a 6 day on and 4 day off schedule. Good thing is it will slow down for her after March and she will be home most of the time.

S40:


Is that a Volvo? LOL


What are your plans for Valentines Day Lunch?

Flowers, Candy? Big smiles? Sweet talk?

Certainly no lovebusters..

She may have them, but you can no longer take the bait.

Seriously. Because it fuels the anger/resentment/entitlement of the Wayward Spouse.

And if you recover this thing, it gives you lots of practice. Because you shouldn't be doing it anyway.

And did you get HNHN? and SAA?

You say you work from home? Sales? IT? Writer? What?

Does it provide enough income for your families needs? What about it's wants? Can it?

Did you provide most of the childcare when your son was younger?

And I still want to know about emotional Needs....

Have you ever ridden a white stallion horse? Could you?

What are your plans for Valentines Day Lunch?

Dinner Plans

Flowers, Candy? Big smiles? Sweet talk?

Flowers a new watch, wine, smiles, and sweet talk no love busters from me, I expect a few from her I will fight them off. she has already told me she was depressed today. (could be a tough night)

And did you get HNHN? and SAA?
No books yet, will order soon or hit the store.

You say you work from home? Sales? IT? Writer? What?
work in IT, only home part time, rest at the office.

Does it provide enough income for your families needs? What about it's wants? Can it?
It supports all of my families needs and wants.

Did you provide most of the childcare when your son was younger?
if you are referring to childcare cost as in day care we never had any. Although I would be the primary provider and her secondary.

working on emotional needs.


Have you ever ridden a white stallion horse? Could you?

odd question, never have, but yes I could Thank You.

Hope I answered most of your questions. Thanks for all your help.