I’m neither a BS nor a WS. I’ve been an occasional lurker here for around 4-5 years. I’m sorry if you consider this as an intrusion of your privacy. But I’ve been visiting this site only out of curiosity to know more about the aftermath of an affair.
I decided to post because very recently I’ve come up with some questions about the introspective journey of a FWS for which I couldn’t seek answers elsewhere. Sometime back I read in this board (and also on “survivinginfidelity” board) that the introspective journey of a FWS is even more painful than that of a BS. For a longtime I’ve had a prejudice against FWS( which I find to be gradually changing recently) and so found this hard to accept. But a few FWS that I spoke to on other boards insist that this is true and hence I find myself conceding <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
But I wanted to know is if the shame that the FWS feel is that painful, what is it really about?
All this time I had the notion that their shame is about hurting their spouses. I recently heard from a WW having an ongoing affair that she feels ashamed for having devastated her husband… yet she has chosen to continually pursue her affair.
Isn’t that a clear indication that the shame of hurting a person or being cruel isn’t strong enough even to make her stop the affair, let alone feel anguished for it? So what is it that the FWS feel the most shameful and anguished about during the recovery?
I’ve always thought the BS is far more hurt than the FWS bcos for a brief period of time s/he would have felt that s/he did not even have a say about her own life and future while the WS did not seem worried about destroying it… I’ve always felt, a bruised ego is more painful than anything. I’m a 20 yr old and you might probably consider me to be immature for having said this <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />.
I’ve heard people saying that when you are in shame you have the burden of being culpable for all the misery caused. But I haven’t heard from anyone what the FWS feels the most shameful about. If shame is more painful than a bruised ego then this shame must be about a very strong reason and I’m really curious to know

Can you give more detail about why it is that you are curious as someone who has never been a WS or a BS...You say that you've lurked for 4 or 5 years, but that you are only 20 years old currently...Why would a 15 or 16 year old have curiosity regarding infidelity??? Did you have a parent that was a WS???

You are asking very in depth and very personal questions...In order for me to feel comfortable answering them, I really must require more information from you...Is this about YOU or about some school project? What gives?

Mrs. W

Dear Mrs.W,

This is neither about a school project nor me. My parents weren’t WS either.
The first time I came to know that even people with moral values could stray I was appalled. The truth is my idea about the institution of marriage was skewed then (it still is to some extent)… I was even more surprised to see that the BS regard marriage as a very important thing to continue to be in, despite being cheated on. I’m no more surprised bcos now I understand that people find living in a family life more convenient despite the trauma of an infidelity. But still that caused the initial interest inside me.

While I researched on this (not a full time research though. Had my academic interests to pursue), I not only began losing my prejudice against affairs but also the WS. I had some DJs in my mind about the WS which I have been shedding lately. I just wanted to justify to myself this newfound understanding I have for the ordeal of the WS. I understand that posters here might not feel comfortable to reply to an amateur researcher. Any way I chose to post because I consider myself to be better informed about any other 20yr old about affairs <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> and this is out of genuine interest...

btw, i had some religious reasons too, for my curiosity.but they were not as stronger...

instant_karma...

It appears to me that your curiosity is rather morbid, and is akin to asking an ambulance driver to move the injured body a bit closer so that you, as a rubbernecker, can get a better view...I apologize if that seems a harsh judgement, however, I don't believe you fully understand that this is a board full of VICTIMS...The BS suffers FAR more than a "bruised ego" as you mentioned in your first post...it is a deeper cut that most even have the words to express...The WS is a victim of their own poor choices...The toll that infidelity takes is just HUGE...

I post here to help others and to help myself...I do not do so to satisfy the curiosity of someone that seems as flip as you do about the subject matter...Perhaps I am misreading the tone of your posts...You say that your interest is genuine, and I believe that...There are many topics that people are genuinely interested in...Some might even be genuinely interested in how others handle the grief of losing a child, but if they have not done so themselves, I feel it is wrong to go in asking those that are suffering just to satisfy a purely selfish "genuine interest"...In fact, it seems particularly cruel to me...In your shoes, I would lurk and read if I was that interested...I would read books on the subject...But I would not come in and poke the victims with a stick, just to satisfy my own morbid curiosity...

There are others here that have never been a WS or a BS, but they come offering empathy and compassion for the suffering...And sure they also learn from it, and that is wonderful...But to come here and treat the people as "lab rats" is unacceptable to me...Unless you can give me a better understanding of your curiosity, I will choose to refrain from posting more to you...


Mrs. W

Mrs W:

Are we being rather harsh here? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

She's here looking for information that *may* in the future make her a better partner in a M. The poster Althanasius is here for the same reason.

She didn't start off well, this quote in particular:



That's a rock I would never kick over. Around here, it is clearly the BS that feel, and describe the most pain.

If she is interested in the journey of WS back into thier M's, there are few descriptions of that around here, from the perspective of the WS. Heck, MINE isn't even here.

Morbid Curiosity? Some of the terms she uses remind me of what a 20 yr old college student might use. It just might be imperfect communication skills.

When I was a teenager, I learned that infidelity was wrong, and if it happened, you dumped the loser. (I got older and completly ignored that, but that is another issue.) She has come to this site and discovered that dumping the loser was not the only option. And that the members in the M had a choice about what they could do. This can be quite mind expanding at 20 years old.

And if she is learning the overriding priciples of Dr. Harley, about EN's, POJA and PORH, she will be prepared to a have an Affair Proof Marriage.

Darned if I couldn't have used this site at 20. Oops, than it would have only been me and Al Gore on it! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

LG...

Harsh? I don't think so...Anthanasius has been here offering empathy, compassion and helpful input and is different, IMO...A quid pro quo, if you will...I think I explained that in my post...

This poster has said that she is here out of curiosity...She did NOT say that she was curious because she hopes to someday help her own marriage...The posters here are in genuine pain, and are NOT lab rats...She could learn what she is asking simply by lurking and reading books on the subject, IMO...

Of course LG, you are free to post answers to her questions if you wish...I simply stated that I don't wish to be a part of it, and I think you'll agree that it is up to me to choose that if I wish...<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Mrs. W

ROFL, LG...the Al Gore remark.

Hey, IK...I had the same reaction that MrsW had...which isn't uncommon...and that's a compliment.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

What you've highlighted for me, IK, in your request...is that when people come here and share...they are bringing to the table all that is theirs...makes it important and we respond with equal honesty and importance...

So what are you bringing? What, in your highest honesty, are you working on? Is it how to protect yourself? Change your opinions...which remain esoteric...at least until you experience infidelity in some way. I find it hard to believe that your interest is so high when you don't have it in your FOO (family of origin), or had in your relationships...even when in 4th grade Tommy broke up with you for Jenny, who he had a crush on during the week you were his girl...or your relatives...friends?

Identifying and handing us your O&H gets ours...forms a connection and allows mutuality.

Is it from fear, like LG suggested? Lots to share because as humans we fear...there's a connection...or maybe sharing our experience would be an obstacle to you...when you then launch into a committed marriage and A's happen, anyway?

You mentioned shame...cruelty...wanna explore those more?

LA

P.S. MrsW has to just swoop in and encapsulate what I was going for...quid pro quo...that's it...dang her! Course, look at her partner.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Mrs. W:

Harsh? Well, maybe I shouldn't have phrased it that way. And I wasn't beating you up.

I read this post the first day it popped up and wondered about what was going on.

But I left it alone.

I like to read Dear Abby/Ann Landers (And thier replacements!)

Why? To understand people better. And with curiosity. And this site can be a great big Dear Abby sometimes, although alot more supportive and immediate to the poster.

So IK is here. For whatever reason. Can't she bring anything to the table?

Sometimes my efforts to bring something to the table backfire also. LOL

And, No, I would never restrict your right to post, but I always want to encourage others who are new here to stay around and post, whatever thier motivations, unless it is with some evil intent. Which usually shows up pretty quickly. I do not believe in this case that her intentions were evil.

LA:

I think you might have been getting to some of IK's potenttial issues. I wonder if she is of Indian/Hindu background.

I always enjoy the interplay.

LG

LA: Thanks for getting the Al Gore reference....

LG...It's all good my friend! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I just like to know WHY I'm posting to someone before I share what for me has been a really tough road...

We had one poster here that fully admitted that she was here for "infotainment"...NOT a viable reason, IMO...

LA...I just KNOW that your kindergarten report card said EXCELLENT on the line with "Plays Well With Others" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> You are such a peacemaker...That is a wonderful quality and I appreciate and admire that about you! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Mrs. W

Mrs wondering/LousyGolfer/Loving Anyway

i am posting about the same thing....the guilt and shame the FWS feels

i would really appreciate your perscpectives on my thread

i believe that my H IS feeling this way

i've seen the tourmented look in his eyes (but he can't look me in the eyes anymore)

i KNOW that he believes what he has done, and continues to do is wrong

during our false recovery, he said that he never wanted to be that monster again....but he started seeing the OW again

after he left he said that when he looked in the mirror, he wanted to puke

i wonder if by staying away from me, he is keeping away the feelings of guilt and shame

if you are willing to give your perspectives over on my thread, i'd really appreciate it

if you can help i'd really appreciate it

eav

When I saw the first post on this thread I wondered, who is going to reply to this and what will they say because this smells fishy to me. I'm willing to lay odds there's more to this story that we have been told.

Where do you get "she"? Am I missing something? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

I only post to people I feel I can help with my experience. Sorry.

Good Point Jen...I'm not sure why I chose that pronoun...<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Mrs. W

That’s ok Mrs.W. I did expect to be admonished. After all there is so much pain that you have to process and a troll like me has no right to ask you how you feel about all this.




Ok… I could not be more honest than this. The truth is, I am surprised to find that affairs help marriages to attain betterment than spoiling them. Having said that, I must make clear, I really do not want anyone’s marriage to be spoiled. Just to know that there is a price to pay in the cases where an affair makes a marriage better. after all, I’ve been taught that infidelity destroy marriages and to come to a realization all of a sudden that it isn’t so, I’ll need some one who’s been through it to tell me why… I’ve understood the BS perspective already (about that ‘bruised ego’… I know there is more to BS pain than just a ‘bruised ego’).



I would have offered compassion for your suffering, only if I weren’t afraid that it would hurt someone’s pride. After all, I never liked when people offered me compassion instead of help, and that too from someone who has never been remotely closer to that sitch. But I understand it’s just me… And stating curiosity as a reason was a stupid thing. I apologize for that. I really have empathy for your ordeal. Hope you understand my reservations for not expressing that.

.Thanks for all the replies.I have respect for BS and FWS on this board and elsewhere. But I’m afraid that I’ve stirred up a hornet’s nest, when I chose to post here. I hope this post pacifies everyone. Btw I’m “he”

Sorry instant_karma, I think I'll pass...

Mrs. W

Mrs. W:

I'm with you.

That last post hinted at much deeper waters, and dirty water at that.

Like this:



HHHMMMMMM

Makes me wonder...

Instant:

If your motives are pure, just keep reading. And leave it at that.

If your motives are to find lonely married women and make their M's better? That ain't gonna happen. Nobody needs that kind of support...

I understand your ephipany moment. "Marriages got better because of an Affair!"

No, they got better because the couples involved decided to work together instead of against each other.

The Affair just happened to be the hand grenade of choice, thrown by the Wayward spouse.

LG and Mrs.W:

LOL, I love it when I'm right...Been there, done that and now can spot 'em a mile away.

IK:

You aren't going to get what you're looking for here, we have all learned painful lessons the hard way...Get thee trollin' elsewhere.