It is far easier to commit emotional adultery than you may realize. You
may be converging on a chemical reaction with another person when:



You've got a need you feel your mate isn't meeting-a need for
attention, approval or affection, for example.

You find it easier to unwind with someone other than your spouse by
dissecting the day's difficulties over lunch, coffee or a ride home.

You begin to talk about problems you are having with your spouse.

You rationalize the propriety of this relationship with the opposite
sex by saying that surely it must be God's will to talk so openly and
honestly with a fellow Christian.

You look forward to being with this person more than with your own
mate.

You hide the relationship from your mate.

When you find yourself connecting with another person as a substitute,
you've started traveling a road that ends too often in adultery and
divorce. But how do you protect yourself to keep this from occurring?

Know your boundaries. You should put fences around your heart that
protect sacred ground, reserved only for your spouse. Barbara and I are
careful to share our deepest feelings, needs and difficulties with each
other, and not with friends of the opposite sex.

Realize the power of your eyes. As has been said, your eyes are the
windows to your heart. Pull the shades down if you sense someone is
pausing a little too long in front of your windows.

Beware of isolation and concealment. One strategy of the enemy is to
isolate you from your spouse, especially by inducing you to keep secrets
from your mate.

Extinguish chemical reactions that have already begun. A friendship
with the opposite sex that meets the needs your mate should be meeting
must be ended quickly. It may be a painful loss at first, but it isn't as
painful as dealing with the wreckage caused by a sinful relationship.



Discuss: What barriers can you observe to avoid dangerous chemical
reactions?

Pray: Daily that God would "keep you from stumbling."

--- Familylife

Thank you for posting that, love of my life.
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Or, to paraphrase a TV host I personally don't like very much, "If you wouldn't do it in front of your spouse, it's cheating." I'm not sure it needs to be any more complicated a decision logic process than that.

Some people make it more complicated. Threesomes, ewwwwwww!!!!!!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

(For anyone who did not see it on AJ's other thread, Family Life has several weekly and monthly emails to sign up for, with devotionals and neat ideas for a happier marriage. Lots of good thoughts for what to do during your 15 hrs. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />)

The above email reminds me of a song that used to be a favorite, Before.

By Steve Green....

What appears to be a harmless glance,
Can turn to romance, and homes are divided,
Feelings that should never have been, awaken within,
Tearing the heart in two,
Listen, I beg of you,

Guard your heart, guard your heart,
Don't trade it for treasure,
Don't give it away,
Guard your heart, guard your heart,
As a payment for pleasure, it's a high price to pay.
For a soul that remains sincere, with a conscience clear,
Guard your heart.

The human heart is easily swayed,
And often betrayed at the hand of emotion,
We dare not leave the outcome to chance,
We must choose in advance, or live with the agony,
Such needless tragedy.

Guard your heart, guard your heart,
Don't trade it for treasure,
Don't give it away,
Guard your heart, guard your heart,
As a payment for pleasure, it's a high price to pay.
For a soul that remains sincere, with a conscience clear,
Guard your heart.



None of us would be here now, if everyone followed that excellent advice.

The line that really gets me now is, "As a payment for pleasure, it's a high price to pay." Especially since the innocent have to pay, along with the guilty.

I know when you're in the middle of this, and your life and love are bleeding out of you, you are at your wit's end and just don't know what to do. But there is hope, a good chance that your family can be put back together. (Not always, but often.)

And when you do get to that recovery stage, you will feel much more secure once both of you can really truly understand where things went wrong. It is this early stage of infidelity that is the most crucial.

I mean, anybody (almost) can see that screwing around on your spouse is wrong, but until you can both identify and recognize the early stages, the risk of it happening again is still huge.

Be the one that meets your spouse's needs, and guard the boundaries around your heart and your feelings. Be watchful for the very first signs of trouble and avoid them, don't wait till all the warning signs are screaming and you just don't care because of the wild chemical cocktail bathing your brain. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Have you noticed it's always easier to week your garden when the weeds first sprout? Instead of having to get out the shovel and hatchet to try and dig out the 30 ft root from under your rosebush.


Little foxes........

One thing that I have noticed that seems to be common in WS behavior is needing to get validation from somewhere other than within his/herself. So, this leads to being very vulnerable to an A when this need is not being met any longer by the BS. Many waywards, myself included (I am a former), seem to need that validation from without.

I also see a similarity that people in As seem to use it as a form of escapism. I agree that this would apply to me when I was wayward.

One of Harley's biggest points is that we all need to prevent ever allowing a situation that could lead to an A (being alone with someone of the opposite sex -in person, or on-line, sharing feelings/fears/dreams/hopes, etc.). All of us think we are immune, until it happens to us.

One of the biggest things I think FWS owes the BS and his/herself, is to make an attempt to understand what weakness it was in him/herself that allowed behavior that risked everything and to go against everything you believe in. Why you could continue betraying your family--just to feel good, if only for a few moments.

There is always that moment in an A when you know you are about to do something very wrong, but choose to do it anyway. Why??? This is the question FWS need to ask themselves. Otherwise, there is always the risk of another A.

ooooooooooooh! Dis be AJ, Neaks' wonderful hubby! [lightbulb moment!] Hi AJ! Great post! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

FBH and I have discussed this. I have my boundaries in place in that regard. For example, someone emailed me regarding advice for his WW...he gave me his phone number. Do you think someone like me, who had an online EA, should ever speak privately with someone she met online....that would be a big no...! Why does a FWS knowingly cross the line? Because she has low self esteem, it feels good and she feels "entitled" to those good feelings. Who the heck was that woman? Oh, that was me....Yuck, I make my own darnedself sick.

If I wouldn't want H to know about it, it ain't happenin', period!

Yep, dat be my own wonderful hubby!

As soon as he read that, he thought of MB, and I'm so glad he shared!

Yes, I am Neak's husband. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I have learned alot through all this. I have become very dependent on God, and He has changed me to a whole different person.

well keep posting...you never know when something might resonate with someone just at the moment they need it most.

Very true.

Some contributions I want to make to this thread:

From Growing through & defeating temptation[/b]:

Don’t carelessly place yourself in tempting situations. Avoid them. Remember that it is easier to stay out of temptation than to get out of it. The Bible says, ”Don’t be so naive and self-confidant. You’re not exempt. You could fall flat on your face as easily as anyone else. Forget about self-confidence; it’s useless. Cultivate God-confidence.”

From [b]15 Steps Of Unfaithfulness:

How does adultery "happen?" People don't just decide one day to hop in bed and be unfaithful to their spouse. Adultery is the culminating act of a dozen or more tiny steps of unfaithfulness. Each step in itself does not seem that serious or much beyond the previous step. Satan draws a person into adultery one tiny step at a time. And he does this over time so that our conscience is gradually seared. This makes it easier to take "just one more step" thinking such a tiny step won't hurt us.

From Emotional infidelity in the workplace[/b]:

There is a new ''crisis of infidelity'' breeding in the workplace, says Baltimore psychologist and marital researcher Shirley Glass. Often it does not involve sexual thrill seekers, but ''good people,'' peers who are in good marriages.

''The new infidelity is between people who unwittingly form deep, passionate connections before realizing that they've crossed the line from platonic friendship into romantic love,'' Glass says.

[b]HOW TO KEEP TEMPTATION AT ARM'S LENGTH

There is no such thing as an affair-proof marriage. But couples who want to protect their unions from infidelity can be mindful of the dangers. To keep a marriage healthy:

* Stay honest with your partner. ''Honesty is the trump card for preventing affairs,'' says Peggy Vaughan, who has studied affairs for more than two decades. Her Web site is dearpeggy.com. ''Make a commitment to sharing your attractions and temptations.'' That helps to avoid acting on them. Dishonesty and deception cause affairs to flourish, Vaughan says.

* Monitor your marriage. ''Realize if there is something missing,'' says psychologist Kimberly Young of St. Bonaventure University in southwest New York state. ''Be willing to try to fix it.'' Assess whether needs are being met.

* Stay alert for temptations. ''Be very careful of getting involved in the first place,'' Young says. ''Know the dangers. You can be drawn to an affair as to a drug. And once you are past a certain point of emotional connection, it is very hard to go into reverse.''

* Don't flirt. ''That is how affairs start,'' says Bonnie Eaker Weil, whose Web site, www.makeupdontbreakup .com, features tips for preventing infidelity. ''Flirting is not part of an innocent friendship. If you think there might be a problem with someone you flirt with, there probably is a problem.''

* Recognize that work can be a danger zone. ''Don't lunch or take private coffee breaks with the same person all the time,'' psychologist Shirley Glass says.

* Beware of the lure of the Internet. ''Emotional affairs develop quickly, in maybe a few days or weeks online, where it might take a year at the office,'' Young says. ''There is safety behind the computer screen.''

* Keep old flames from reigniting. ''If you value your marriage, think twice about having lunch with one,'' Glass says. Invite your partner along.

* Value the intimacy of your marriage. ''Reveal as much of yourself to one another as possible,'' Atlanta psychiatrist Frank Pittman says. ''You will find it less necessary to form an intimate friendship with someone else.''

* Make sure your social network supports marriage. ''Surround yourself with happily married friends who don't believe in fooling around,'' Glass says.

10 rules for avoiding emotional infidelity.

1. Keep it all business in the office.
2. Avoid meetings with members of the opposite sex outside the workplace.
3. Meet in groups.
4. Find polite ways of ending personal conversations.
5. Take particular care not to have regular (perhaps daily or even weekly) conversations about your life outside work.
6. Don't share your personal feelings.
7. Be unflinchingly honest with yourself.
8. Avoid cordial kisses and hugs, or dancing with members of the opposite sex.
9. Don't drink in mixed company.
10. Show your commitment to your spouse daily.

DEAR, IF YOU R ON THERE MY CELL PHONE IS NOT WORKING SERVICE IS OFF IM ON YAHOO IM 911 HELP

PBR (the OW in my case) claimed the WS commited 'emotional adultery' against her when the WS made one of his attempts to reconcile with is family. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> 2 funny 2 b the truth? It happened. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

L.

Suzet, I thought that was really good information.

Orchid, rofl!!!!! If she was dumb enough to say that to you, I'll bet she's still scratching her head trying to figure out what your reply meant. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

AJ called me ok last night, so everything must be fine now. I fell asleep before then, which is too bad because if I had still been on YM, we could have played a game of checkers (he usually wins) or dominoes (I win sometimes, but it's about 50/50).