If you want my history it is under the Emotional Needs forum under "playing the spite game".
Things have been good but we hit a bump in the road last night. Please give me your perspective. I've posted here for more exposure since this forum is more active.

My wife called me after school last night (she is going to real estate school this month and I only see her for an hour or two before bedtime) and said she wanted to go out with her girlfriend from work. I asked if I could come too and she said I would be a third wheel so we used POJA to come up with she would not drink and be home by 12.

She kept her agreement but told me they met some guys from work there and hung out with them. I got upset that I was the third wheel but the guys from work were ok to hang out with on girl's night out. She said she didn't plan it and it just worked out that way. I told her that caused me to feel hurt and we had a 2 hour discussion about it last night until we were both exhausted.

So I told her I can't control what she does but I'm not going to pretend it doesn't bother me when it does. She says I make her feel guilty for going out so she doesn't want to go out. I brought up Harley's ideas of 15 hours devoted time and recreational companionshiop but she says that's just one opinion and her opinion is we need to have time with other friends alone. Any suggestions?

Well, I don't know what to think for sure but I think you have reason to be upset. I mean what's with the other guys from work. And saying that the 15hrs is just an opinion is rather defensive. Sounds to me like someone is wanting a lil freedom and fun. But I don't pretend to know it all.

She should have called you to join when she saw that other guys were there. JMHO. I'm a woman by the way... Why do people go out? Typically to meet new people. I doubt she was just going out simply to chat it up with a school mate. I hope I'm not stirring up anything.

The only reason I can think of for not wanting your husband around is so that you can do things you don't want your husband to know about. Sound logical?

Does no one ever think they need to spend time with friends without their spouse? Is the only way your are not cheating if you spend all of your time with your spouse? These are her logical responses.

I see her point, but didn't you ask if you could join her? I kinda go along with what Soonerorlatter said.

AM, I am really surprised that you "enthusiastically agreed" to something so destructive to your marriage as hanging out in bars and purposely excluding you. This is something my H would NEVER agree with in a million years. Surely, you recognize this is not good for your marriage?

I don't need or even look forward to recreational time without my husband. We have more fun together than apart.

I'm a woman and both my husband and I agree there is no reason to spend recreational time without each other. Recreational time together builds loving feelings and makes the relationship stronger. Anyone she spends recreational time with she will grow feelings for, and if it's not you it will provide the opportunity for an affaiir.

We spent almost all of our recreational time toghether for 20 years. Then I went back to school and continued working leaving me with no days off and not much time for anything besides studying when I was not at work or at school.

That's when he developed a friendship behind my back that quickly ignited into a physical affair.

My husband had that affair, and it was his suggestion and request that we spend all of our free time together from recovery onward. It has worked out wonderfully for both of us. Unless you dislike each other's company why would it be a hardship to protect your marriage by spending your free time together?

If you dislike each other's company you don't have much of a marriage.

That's just my opinion. Of course I've only been married for 25 years in 2 weeks, and am happily married and in love with my husband, (in spite of having to recover from infidelity) so what do I know?

And why on earth would your recreational time apart if you really needed it, be spent in a bar???

I'm not trying to give you a hard time. I seriously think that if you're in recovery and part of the past deception was around going out to bars with friends and drinking, etc. Then it's my opinion that nothing good can come of it. I'm not saying your wife was cheating but I think the pattern of behavior needs to be looked at. And not just the night she returns when feelings are raw. I can see why you would still be upset. It's great that she was honest with you about the other guys but what good does that do you if you don't completely trust her anyway?

AM, how long has she been behaving in such destructive, untrustworthy ways?

Ok theres a difference between going out for coffee and chatting it up to going out to a bar.

I dont really go out to bars only cause 1. I dont talk to anyone much really and 2 I rather go with my H and friends.

As for her meeting up with the guys. When she saw co workers there and if she was thinking straight *ha* she should have called you and asked for you to come along seeing it went from a 'girls night out' to a small hang out of boy/girls.

I agree with sooner on this. How often does she have her going out as opposed to you and her going out to dinner or movies???

When my H says for me to go have my time. I usually go and get my nails done or go walking at a store. Maybe I will go where my girl-friend works and talk for a bit... But I dont say yes freedom Im going clubbing...