Hello, I've been lurking here for some time watching, learning, and reading the site for it's basic concepts. My wife left me for another man and I know every reason why now.

I have changed dramatically reading other's stories, felt the same pain as they have, and know the pain I have caused to both my wife and others around us.

I have had 6 affairs on my wife since I was age 23. 4 of the 6 were PAs, 2 were EA/PA. I know why I did them.

It's true that we WS's often have a selective memory about these things, but I remember a great deal. For PAs, these are easy to remember. There was no emotional attachment and no desire to emotionally detach from the spouse. For the EAs, there was emotional attachment and DEFINITELY an effort to emotionally detach from my BW. It was temporary insanity, yet I never wanted to let BW go. I wanted to cake eat to fulfill my needs and explore an escape. It wasn't until recently that I realized that all of the needs BW was filling COULD NOT have been filled by a person willing to become involved with me, a married man.

For any who have questions regarding the if's, how's and why's of a WH, post here and I'll definitely help you in anyway I can.

Thanks for putting yourself out there but I'm not sure where I would begin!

OK



Why? (x6)

Yes, please do tell.

what were the circumstances the first time you cheated on your wife?
how did you justify it?

A bodacious exercise in entitled behavior, coupled with incredibly poor choices? Or, total lack of respect for your W and both your families? Youthful exuberance with a total lack of self control? Sexual addiction?

You should be deeply introspective, and thinking the answers "out loud" here, for proper assistance.

Purchase and read "Surviving an Affair" and "After an Affair" for starters. SAA can be purchased through this website, and AaA, authored by Janis Spring, can be purchased through most major bookstores.

Best wishes,
SD

i have started a thread about the guilt and shame that a WS feels

if you have anything helpful to add to it, i would appreciate your views

i think that your efforts here are showing the growth you are making since making the choices that you did

Yes, this is one of the "dynamics" that I have talked about in another thread. Oh how many times I have seen a WS "change dramatically" once the BS REALLY LETS GO. I notice that she didn't give you a plan A or Plan B letter to get you to come around all on your little own. HHHMMM...


As Dr. Dobson so wisely states..."Some people need a challenge". Oh, how true.

On to the whys of my affairs:

4 of them were purely physical affairs in which I tossed the women to the side callously afterward. In some cases, they may have hoped for a relationship afterward. I did this because I felt that my wife had no interest in fulfilling my sexual needs, and I wanted to cake eat. All of these sexual escapades were early in our marriage, and we had been together for several years prior to getting married. Neither of us played the field really. That was part of my motivation in this, and I realize it was wrong.

IF I had treated my wife the way she deserved to be treated and met all of her emotional needs she would have given me everything I ever asked for. King for a day, fool for a lifetime.

The two EAs: One was at age 23, the other at age 31. Both were women my age or older, both were professionals who I found to be very physically and intellectually attractive. Both were married. The PAs were with single women, the EAs were with disgruntled married women. The first one went on for a few months, and I explored whether or not this "could work". I realized in my foolishness, even at my young age, that it couldn't. I broke it off because 1. I loved my wife and she caught us together 2. I felt that the lover would never give up her marriage.

The second EA was much later in my life, and I have no idea why in the world I made such a foolish mistake. For this one, I felt that this one was much more compatible (wrongly) and was much more of a match sexually. I was intrigued that someone I thought was a professional, successful, and beautiful could have such similiarly wild thoughts as mine. It went on for a month, and we were caught by husband. That exposure KILLED it, it did indeed shed the light of day on it and made it MUCH LESS appealing.

Everything I have read here in these forums, and I've read extensively, IS SOOOOO ON THE MARK on what goes on in a Wayward's mind. Plan A doesn't seem like it should have such a low success rate. Plan B would scare most cheaters, and EXPOSURE kills. My only thought is that exposure must be done selectively, remember: A WS is still hostile and will use the overexposure as cause for continued warfare. A loving exposure, which occurred in both cases of "longer than one night" affairs absolutely killed my EAs with minimum attention drawn to them.

That's my thoughts.

thanks for sharing