My daughter and I left this evening to go grocery shopping. Everything with fwh and I were fine. When we got home I asked my daughter to go have dad open the garage door. I said is he coming she said, he's on the phone, so our son came out and did it. Just as I was getting out of the car fwh comes out and doesn't say one word to me, no smile nothing and even steps back away from me like I had cooties or something. I proceed to unload he goes and immediately sits down still saying nothing. About 20 min. goes by and he says, did you get anything good? I said well why don't you come and look (he normally helps) I don't know what you want. He just looks away. So about 10 min. after that I said what is wrong? He says I don't feel well, I said ok, I said then why did you spend the evening on the phone? He said well because he called, I said well don't you think if you are feeling that ill that you can't even acknowledge me you should have just let the answering machine get it? He said well he called so I answered it. Then said plus I was watching something on tv. I again so you're not feeling well, you're watching something and you can't acknowledge me but you can talk and acknowledge the phone? (he said the phone rang only a few minutes before I got home, so it's not like he was feeling ok then started to feel sick while talking) He got mad and told me to stop B*******. He really hurt my feelings. What did I do?

Try talking to him about it later, when you are not upset. Do not be judgmental in the way you speak to him, but let him know, nicely, that your feelings are hurt, but that you are also concerned to make sure everything is ok with him.

Be very sweet, but keep an eye on things in case there has been C.

Check around and rule out a NC breach first, since either he has been in C with the OW, or you can ease your mind that he has not. Depending on which it is, will be the answer to how you handle this.

He is not usually like this?

waitingtomoveon

my objective opinion..

is that I don't even understand why you are mad at him..

when I read your post I also see lots of disrespect..

I guess my question is without defending yourself
can you see any of your responses as defensive...

ARK

thanks neak, well I know there is no contact, his ons was 15 yrs ago, plus our son was here with him. I'll try and talk with him today. He is usually very affectionate and would at least say hi and would normally give me a hug because we were literally right next to each other, & when I'm out awhile he calls me. We were gone a couple hours last night. When I get home he always helps unload the bags and helps put some stuff away.
ark, I wasn't trying to be disrespectful in my responses to him, I was very nice when I said them. I did get more hurt when he said he called a couple people while I was gone. When he answered the phone just before I got home, this is not someone he likes to talk to, normally he'll just let the answering machine get it and call him back later. Its never anything important. I guess it just hurts that he can talk and be on the phone with others, but then with me I get the butt treatment. I didn't expect to have sex in the garage by all means, just an acknowledgement of hi would have been nice instead of being ignored. Thanks

wotm, it was very disrespectful to grill him and beat him over the head like this. I had the same reaction as ark, and understand why your H accused you of "bit*hing." YOU WERE. Repaying thoughtless behavior with disrespectful comments and badgering does not solve the problem, but escalates it, as you have experienced.

so tell me then what I SHOULD have done. It's alittle hard to not show when someone has hurt you.

I would have said to him, I am sorry you are feeling bad, honey and given him a kiss on his cheek. Then asked him if I could get him some soup or something.

I have no idea why you were "hurt," w. It makes no sense to me and doesn't justify bi*ching at him.

I don't get why people are beating YOU up so much. From your description, it sure seems like he was treating you with a lot of disrespect with HIS behavior. Okay, I can see that the language you used really escalated it. It's better to phrase things with "I feel" rather than "YOU did this, YOU did that." If you had instead said "I feel really hurt ... I feel ignored" that might have started things on the right foot.

It would help if you put a summary of your situation in your signature. I just read up on some of your previous posts to find out that although his ONS was 15 years ago, you only just RECENTLY (6 mos ago?) found out. That makes a world of difference in figuring out where YOU are in the process of recovery.

Take care!

fiatflux, no one is beating her up at all. We are telling her to stop being disrespectful to her husband and trying to help her stop lovebusting. She expected her H to drop everything and run out and help her with the groceries. He was otherwise engaged. Instead of understanding that he was otherwise engaged, she bi*ched him out, making the situation WORSE.

And perhaps he was thoughtless, but repaying thoughlessness with bi*chiness is not the answer. The things she said to him were lovebusters that did not help the situation.

thanks flatflux for seeing my side of this. You are right that maybe i should have changed my wording more, I do see that.
Melody,for one I never expected him to drop anything to come out to help. Whenever I go shopping when I leave he tells me to call him right before I get home so he can open the garage door for me, he ALWAYS does this and has done this and helps unload. We didn't do that because we forgot. He was not otherwise engaged other than being on the phone, he could have like other times brought the phone with him, and still made an acknowledgement to me

Yes, he was otherwise engaged, he was on the phone and he did not feel well. He didn't acknowledge you and he didn't bring the phone with him. There is nothing inherently wrong with that, wtmo. And certainly nothing that would warrant bit*ching him out.

wtmo, do you have the book Lovebusters? I would suggest getting that book so you can see how destructive this kind of behavior really is. It was a real eye opener for me and I think you might get alot out of it.

p.s. I do see your "side" of this. VERY MUCH. I don't agree with the way you handled this, though.

WTMO:

I have the same impression of Mel and Ark.

What just happened?

Many DJ's in there on your part.

You just reacted and went over to anger for some reason.

And he acted accordingly.

It can happen often in a M.

You expect one thing, your H expects another thing.

This builds, and can happen quite quickly, like in 10 minutes, and suddenly you are accused of "bit@hing" and he "really hurt you"

Because you were both sideswiped by the others actions that you "expected" Not to what was going on.

So lets look at this:



OK, it's his fault that you FORGOT.

And then this:



Well, you weren't otherwise engaged either. You were driving, talking with daughter, watching the road, and then TA DA: Garage Door!

And then the expectations started....

Why did your H come out to the garage and stare at you?

I don't know, ask him.

After 20 minutes, he threw out a bone, to try and make amends:



What was your response? Was it friendly? Concerned?

No.

Then after 10 minutes, you decide to throw him the bone:



Ouch.

I had a similar experience about a month ago with my DW. I was trying to do something,and I got frustrated and she wanted to let me know her point of view, and I get really pissed.

I just walked away, and then came back after 20 minutes and apologized. (She was on the phone at this time) When she got off, We discussed the sideswiping that had just occured...

And that was something that would have never happened pre-Dday. More resentment builds otherwise.

And that is were H&O comes from. You need to help him in situations such as this.

Ok so I was rude and disrespectful to him, I got that but HE was rude and disrespectful to me. He gives ME excuses why he couldnt' even say hi to me, but yet he is well enough to have a conversation on the phone? I don't get it.

Do two wrongs make a right, W? Does that excuse work for your children?

I don't get why you are looking for excuses to lovebust him instead of ways to make him happy? Don't you want him to look for ways to make you happy? Repaying imagined slights with disrespect is not apt to improve your marriage, W. Lovebusting your H when he doesn't act according to your standards is not likely to incent love and respect on his part.

Why not take our advice and get the book Lovebusters? It might improve your marriage and help you both learn to treat each other with respect.

ML and others are right...you are being nitpicky about something pretty insignificant in the scheme of things. I can say this because I have been guilty of it plenty. One of us will say something that the other takes harshly and then responds with more venom and off we go. Most of the time, it is something...so...not...worth...it. This is something we are both working on.

Do you think you are a hypersensitive person? I know I am and I let things bother me that are really not that big of a deal. Do you think he intended to hurt your feelings? You admit you were at fault as well. So what do you want now? What does continuing this accomplish? Who said, "do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy...?"

Maybe you can just chalk it up to he wasn't feeling well and he didn't really think before answering the phone.