I haven't posted much lately. We are in recovery and it's getting better, even though we didn't follow many of the MB recommendations. I have been struggling at times, but XWH has been more patient and understanding.

However, there is one issue about which we are in opposition - that of the OW still emailing H since the end of the project they were both involved in. H says not to attach too much importance to it, she will soon get fed up and stop. He is not replying, I know that for sure. The mails seem to always have some 'lure' to elicit a response. The last one was only the other week, just before we went on our 25th Anniversary weekend break.

H has tried to block the emails, which are to his work account, but the system does not appear to be capable of doing it. The techies at H's work appear to think the only way to do it is to mark it as spam, which is then blocked, but then that will block everything marked as spam, and the system sometimes marks legitimate mail as spam, so he would lose valid emails as well. I would really like to simply mark her email as blocked so that she gets a bounceback message, which will show her that she's wasting her time. H has actually moved offices and has a new email, but he still goes back and checks this one occasionally.

If it is absolutely impossible to block the emails, I am really tempted to let H send her yet another NC message (he must have explained the end of the A to her at least half a dozen times, in various ways, the last one just before Christmas when the project finished, telling her there must be no further contact between them, but she still does not seem to want to back off). Otherwise I am tempted to send her a not-too-friendly NC message myself. Opinions on either of these options would be welcome.

The other side is to keep calm about it, but it stirs me up every time H tells me she's mailed again. Just when I think I'm OK I get pulled down again.

Has he sent her one along the lines of the one published in Surviving an Affair? Or did he tell her something that actually encouraged her in some ways, as WS' often do?

I would ask him to send her an email using the sample below and mention in the letter that all of her emails will be automatically forwarded to his wife. I would also tell her that he is "ccing my wife."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dr. Harley's (From SAA)

(OP), I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk with you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that (BS) did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay (BS) for the pain I have caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she�s been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.
Sincerely,
(WS)

I'd lawyer up
pay some attorney to send her a scary letter

DH59:


OW:

Thank you for the most recent email.

This, plus all the others since (insert date of NC Letter) have been collected and archived by us as well as the IT staff with the company.

I have clearly asked you to stop on several different occasions using mail, email and phone. (What have you done)

After this final response, (attach another NC letter) my next response is to file a Personal Protective Order/Restraining Order in order to protect myself and my family from your further advances.

This is not a threat. You do not even have to respond to this email, as I will consider that response to be the required violation.

Please do not email/call/mail/contact me again.

Signed:

DH59's H

And then do it.

That should put an end to it. And if it doesn't then you know what to do next. And so does OW. And it WH is hesitant to send it, and enforce it, he is enjoying the game.

Wow, what quick responses! Thank you.

MelodyLane:
"Has he sent her one along the lines of the one published in Surviving an Affair? Or did he tell her something that actually encouraged her in some ways, as WS' often do?"

No, as we do not have that book. I had only just discovered MB around d-day, so I did not have chance to look and see what you need to put in a NC letter/email. When H confessed, he used my Hotmail account to send a blunt "I have confessed and our affair is over" type of message. He then had a bitter reply, to which he felt it necessary to send a more 'gentle let-down' message, although this was not encouraging to her in any way (he has shown me all along what he has sent her and vice versa). This produced yet more "you don't seem to understand me" messages, and I think a couple more messages were sent by H. Even the project emails that they still had to exchange were peppered with sarcastic remarks. She sent a 'final farewell' emamil just before Xmas, with indication that she thought they could continue on a friendly basis, but then another two emails have been received since then, all worded in order to get a response.

Pepperband:
"I'd lawyer up pay some attorney to send her a scary letter"

I am thinking of threatening that if I have to email her.

lousygolfer:
"...That should put an end to it. And if it doesn't then you know what to do next. And so does OW. And if WH is hesitant to send it, and enforce it, he is enjoying the game."

I don't think H would send a message in that vein, but he is definitely not enjoying the game. I have, in fact, kept copies of all the emails with a view to doing something if she does not cease. Unfortunately, she resides in Ukraine/Poland, so I don't know what the laws on harassment/stalking are over there. I also do not have her home address so I cannot threaten her with exposure to her husband either, but whether he speaks English is another hurdle to that plan.

At least she can no longer text - the sim card has been cut up into tiny pieces and binned!

Another option is to just have him set up a "rule" in his email that will automatically delete & trash messages received from her. Surely he can do that!?!?

I suppose he could do that - I don't really know the system. It's a university system using Outlook. What I would prefer, though, rather than the message still being downloaded, is that she gets a bounceback saying she's been blocked, or that the message could not be delivered, or something that tells her she's no longer welcome in this relationship. I suggested installing a programme such as Mailwasher, so that he can bounce the message back, but I don't think he has admin rights to install software.

fiatflux, the above suggestion was almost the one I wanted, but I did some digging and found the answer.

I am posting it here in case anyone else has need to use this technique. It is for Outlook Exchange Server (not Outlook Express, although something similar can be set up for that). You set up an Out of Office response, which can be set to go to one particular email address, then set up a rule to send that response when a message from said email arrives, and then delete the message. I am not sure whether the message gets deleted from the server, or whether it still downloads to the local machine before getting deleted, but my main issue is that OW will now get a 'sorry this email address is no longer valid' response. RESULT!!!