i ask this, b/c at our d-day, we both said we wanted to work it out. in the 3 weeks since then, it has become obvious to me that i am giving 120% to this and my H is giving what feels like about 50%. he says he's doing his best, and maybe he is.
but i think if i had reacted like some BS do, and said, get out, i hate you and waited for him to beg me to take him back, that may or may not have happened.

i even asked him tonight, what would have happened if i weren't so adamant about wanting to work it out? he said "it probably wouldn't have been good" or something like that.

and i have to admit, that first night, the #1 reason i didn't kick him out is that i figured he would call the OW and have her meet him at a hotel or something. i just didn't want her to "win"

i do truly want this M to work, it has nothing to do with winning. in the past 2 days i have realized that my H did have feelings for the OW and now i feel like it is a true war for his affections.

i guess i am just venting. i only have one friend that knows about this, and i feel like i am leaning on her too much.

thanks for reading if you made it this far. any comments, advice or well-wishes would be appreciated.

FO

It's only been three weeks...he is still in a stage of fog or withdrawal. He's not there yet. Three weeks post d-day I wasn't there either and it was pretty much up to FBH to try and put things back together. But now I'm "fog free" and leading the charge.

Your H still has contact with OW which will most likely delay things quite a bit. If that doesn't change, I think it's pretty likely things will be like this for quite some time.

FO - not sure if I have posted to you before or not but if WH and OW work together I'm not surprised he is only giving 50% - in fact I would be surprised it is that high.

Recovery is impossible with ongoing contact.

To answer the question - my wife on d-day left me to pursue her fantasy. I was the one who wanted to work it out.

After she abandoned her affair and went through withdrawal, she enthusiastically participated in recovery and the MB program. To this day, 18 months into recovery.

F O,

One of my biggest stumbling blocks was my high expectations and narrow blinders of what I would accept. If your H is still contacting OW at work, it seems like you're doing great considering.

Be patient and keep being grateful for what he is trying to do. Like Big K says, you can't expect as much with ongoing OW contact.

Ace

I'm no veteran but I will see if I can help. My D-Day was in October. It's been over 4 months now and it seems like I am giving 90% to her 10%
WW still works with the OM. I had a few contacts with him and he assures me that it is finished and that it's only professional at work. I'm sure that this is a factor in our recovery.

all of your responses make me feel better
i know it's only been 3 weeks, but it feels like about 3 months. i guess that's why it's hard for me to keep my hope alive.

thanks
FO