First post, sorry for the length

OK, history first, I guess. 29 dec, WH came in after work and we talked about what he had told me on the phone ONS and i told him people are human, ppl make mistakes we can get through this, do u want to go to conuseling? no i dont think it will help at this point ive been unhappy over a year. so we dropped that, he was going to a friends to think, yet MOW was living there since 24 dec.
he told me I love you, too, but not like I used to - we need to talk.I love you but not IN love with you stuff." yet not the last "I love you" in any form. (other than as the mother of my child)

Knew our relationship had been a mistake since the beginning (5 years ??) and it never should have happened. We had NEVER had a good time, never really cared for each other like we should - he couldn't even remember the fun times. And on and on....All this was news to me! We were the couple that most people envied! We had had a hard couple of years, knee surgery, shoulder surgery, living with my parents, but I had NO idea. I wanted to die.

THEN, he told me about MOW. She made him feel WONDERFUL. He finally knew what true love really was and he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. He could treat her girls like his own?and They like the Coke Guy(he was her EXBFs boss and she would bring them up there to see the BF and met my hubby)he bought them cokes one night I had NEVER made him feel this way, we were never meant to be, etc......you know the stuff, right? We've all been there.

So, ive cried. And couldn't sleep, lost enuf weight for someone that knows me well to notice the difference in 2 weeks time, all the standard stuff. and he left to go to the friends to THINK(left to be with her). He came to me about week later after he had been here DAILY to spend time with ME and DD and said if you are still willing i would like to go to counseling. OK we made appt.

When he left, I knew where he was. He contacted us, multiple times a day. He spent some time talking to me and us "tring to work things out", While the whole time he was going back to her everytime he left here. Then he calls me about 2ish on the sunday before we are to start counseling on monday to tell me he wants a D, and we talked to bout 6 am, so we decided together to meet bout 1030ish at a public place to TALK. And he himself called and rescheduled the appt, we went on wednesday, he didnt realize how much stress i thought was on him.and up til then we were WORKING on things, i get a phone call from MOW's ex hubby(didnt find out til this week that her divorce isnt final) to let me know some info that he knew. So i get in the truck and drive over there, and come to find out i was getting lied to the whole time, she was getting lied to the whole time and he was doing what HE wanted to do.

MOW and Wh basically set up house. He already had her moved into a new place b/f he left. Told everyone he ran into that we were through. She has told people that as soon as everything was said and done that they are getting married . No financial support whatsoever. He called infrequently - after this other than when he needed something (until the last week when he was at work), hasnt been here since 21 Jan. Didn't give me his cell phone number the one he bought for her with OUR money. Has given me a prepaid cell number to contact him on. yet everytime i try to call it goes straight to VM, how am i posed to contact him in emergancy? leave a Vm and HOPE he calls back? Was cold and mean to me - when she was around to hear him talk to me. Calls to talk to DD and she doesnt even seem to want to.He is someone I don't even know.


I owe my friends and DD my life. They calmed me down. Cried with me, got me through way too many sleepless nights, laughed with me, and kicked me in the butt and outta feeling sorry for myself when I needed it. I think that was the most important thing of all. And helped me find something to laugh at in the midst of all this mess.

So, like they said, the rawness eased - the hurt has seemed to found it's place, I started paying attention to what people were trying to teach me, got rid of my stubborness and self-righeousness. and started THINKING.


You know, Wh cant come up with one specific thing about me as a wife that was bad. Even said so himself. I mean, I have worked my butt off to be a good wife, and sahm.

And I thought about him too. I'd known this man for five years - through good times and what I THOUGHT were bad times (this mess sorta changes your perspective!!) This was not him...to abandon us, leave us to starve. He and DD were inseperable. Something is definitely not right. This was NOT him....not from my experience, or that of his family and friends (who he has now begun to turn his back on, dont care what you say to me, im going to do "this" anyway) Sooo.....

Well, after reading a some boards on affairs, looking realistically at my contributions to the state of our marriage, I started to understand. Don't erase the pain - just sorta took the edge off. Through searches and stuff I learned about marriages and affairs. My basic personality is to DO something. Now, I have a bit of understanding, AND something I could do! Im tring to get stronger and stronger. Sure, there are bad days. New Years come to mind, as well as one notable weekend w/ two love-busting visits. The power of a love buster!! As I grow stronger, I feel freer. I realize that I had the power. He doesn't keep me going, I realize its up to me to do that, and to keep HIM going, too! Even though he doesn't know it.

First decision. Do I love my husband? Yup, more than life itself - not the things he's doing now, but the man he truly is inside. Second. Do I want my marriage back? Nope - not in the least bit if it is like it is NOW. Third - Am I ready to work for it? Absolutely!! I ask myself these three questions every single day. Every morning, before I got out of bed, I ask myself these questions. Same answer. If EVER there is not the same answer then i am DONE!

So I love him. And respect and believe in the man I KNOW is inside. Im learning to look PAST this behavior and into the soul of the man that Im convinced is still there. And try to understand the torture he is going through - even though he doesn't THINK he is?? I take the good little signs and that helps support my love and the bad ones i just blow off. Im writing him letters at least once a week, and will end each one now with "I love you and I will always believe in you." and a lil thing that i have put at the end of them since we have been together, I never take off his ring. HE has mine. If anyone asks why I am wearing it - angry or curiously. I tell them I love him, I am/was married to him and I would always be married to him in my heart. At the end of each of the few visits, I hugged him goodbye and said "I love you." I get nothing except, I'll never come back." I just told him to do what he needed to do, but I'd always love him. I never really discuss HER with him, never mention her name, unless i feel i have to. I try not to discuss us or our marriage. If he brings it up, I'll just say I love him and I wanted what would make him happy. No more. He just sounds like he is thinking i lost my mind. LOL

I am working on myself too. I try not to sit around waiting. I continue to love him, but I have a daughter to raise and life is happening. I know I can't support us and not work so i am going to look for a job. She cant stay at home til she starts school. And I don't have much time. I knew my job would be ending, just didn't know when (stay at home mommy and wife). So I am thinking about enrolling her in head start. Try to get out with her as much as possible with the weather as it is and her being sick. I enjoy more days than I don't. And growing stronger.
During this time, I forgave him. Don't remember how, just all of a sudden, realized that I wasn't angry and didn't hold anything against him. WH had held marriage sacred, had always been there for me, no matter what. For a good, kind and decent man - the most wonderful man I have even known to turn his back on everything that had ever been important to him - something was wrong. And I couldn't love him and not forgive him for something that took him over so completely. I have learned to laugh. I began sleeping, I began to live. But I didn't stop loving him. I think THAT'S moving on and forgiving him.

Around the middle of last week . he started calling a bit more, bogus reasons, favors he needed. Still talking divorce. But finally communicating a bit. I just listened. Never really talked about us. Now i dont have to pretend that im his friend, I was REALLY his friend! You know? I care about him, love him and want what was best for him. Like only a real friend would. Of course, I still want him back, but, I wasn't forcing it anymore . He called one day at work, wanted to talk about spousal support kinda got nasty with me . I patiently listened and let him talk, no matter what he said, and eventually discovered that he had a lot on his plate at work . Once I thought about it and the way I know my husband is, I realized he could've talked to MOW. He needed to talk - he was scared. his fears turn into angry. And I was the target. Why? Because I was the one he could trust. And I was there for him. I found out later, I was right. Without even realizing it, when he got scared, he turned to me.

then last week i found out that he was going to a lawyer on 1 Feb. It was time to "get it over with." I hope to find out later that he is coming home b/c he decided he SHOULD. Now, it didn't hurt that MOW has became a B and pushing him, I have become someone he enjoyed being around/talking to. I am very proud of myself for what I am doing - for my marriage and for me personally. It seems that he has been doing a lot of thinking - for practically the whole time.?

There's so much guilt and other stuff. He tests me constantly to see if I am real and if my love is real. He says that we are both hard headed and strong ppl. He has hinted, he admires my courage, respects me for respecting him, even when I had no reason to, and that my believing in him is making him be strong?

Don't blast me, ok? I never felt humiliated or shamed. We made mistakes and bad judgements, but...stuff happens. I have small spurts of anger - at specific THINGS he did and said, but anger has never come easily for me - I believe it's simply another way of showing hurt, - I just let myself hurt and dealt with it. HE has to figure it out on his own. All I can do is be here and love him - if i choose to.... and that's what it is - a choice. Im not a doormat. Im strong and independent and coping with a difficult situation, standing strong for what you believe in in the face of all the adversity. But I'll be there for my child and Ive decided I'll sure as ****** be there for my husband as long as he'd let me - and sometimes, even when he wouldn't.

WH isnt going to decide "all of a sudden". All this time Plan A as MB calls it(I just do NOT have a Plan B personality!) were slowly building impressions that were eating away at his subconscious. When the time is right, a trigger will bring him to the surface. I'm not so sure that he really will do it to do the right thing by me and our DD . I think that's the excuse for doing what he wanted to do all along? I mean, his doubts are ust growing too quickly to have really wanted this. He isnt changing his mind quickly. Everything is slowing bringing him back to reality - we just couldn't see it. MOW is pushing and being Mean! She had him ask me if i could bring our SS over for her daughters birthday party this weekend.. and we(me and him) had agreed to ease our daughter into THAT situation and not FORCE anything on her.
The fog seems to be wearing thin and the reminder of his appt on 1 Feb was a last ditch effort to say IM not going back to W and will be with YOU to the MOW.

to make a long story short right now we are separated. we speak every day but it gets very emotional for me. not only do i have to be strong for me but for my daughter who went from a daddys girl to just seeing whenever he decides to stop by. he still says he loves me as the mother of his daughter but yet he is with her. i dont know if he is telling me what i want to hear or what. he brought the paperwork over to me on 2 Feb, it is a noncontested that he filed and he told me to take it to my atty and if anything needs to be changed or anything to have my atty send it to his and we will go from there, i spoke with his atty and she said that he seemed confused and if someone were pushing him to go ahead and file. he had told our daughter on that day that he would come over this past sunday to play with her before we went to a meeting we had to attend, he called and resigned his postion and didnt come to see our daughter, well he called to tell her GN like every night and she wouldnt talk to him, so i told him it could have something to do with you not showing up. he was like OMG, i forgot why didnt u call and remind me? i said well u had talked about it all week the week before and U are the one that told her you would so i assumed you would.
he calls back 30 minutes later, you KNOW i forget things like that, you should have called and reminded me. then calls back 30 min later again and when i answer he hangs up. he ended up drinking a 5th of southern comfort from 10pm-1230 when he called his mom, telling her i have always tried to do right by W and DD and all i seem to do is disappoint them there is nothing i can do or say to make up to W the pain i have cause her and DD.

so what are the experts advice on all this?
im kinda lost and confused in the whole process of this.

BS-Me- 25
WH-Him-33
MOW-22
DD-4

married since 02

any other ?s you may have that i havent answered feel free to ask....

I think you are doing fine. Particularly in how you have recovered from the raw start-pain of the betrayal.

As to advice I have no personal experience in this matter, just what I have picked up on this site. Thus I feel uncertain as to what to say. You are, I believe, close to the plan A behaviour. If he does come home then continue in plan A. (read more on the stuff in this site: Start on the home page and read allthe links you find there!)
It seems that you are able to keep back on making LB's (love busters). That is good. Radical honesty is another central tool in recreating love. That includes that you shall not hide your pain. But most of all you should share thoughts and feelings. And also encourage him to do so.


As you can see there is from time to time very litle activity in the "just found out" forum. Particularly in the week ends. Thus the lack of responce to this thread is not related to your story or your writing style or whatever <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />


Most people this days go to the general questions II for more response. You could concider posting your story there as well, to get more response. But keep an eye on your thread here as well so that people responding to it later are not dissapointed. Or close this thread by a post stating you are no longer active here.

God bless your struggle to save your M (marriage in MB lingo).

Well we had to take DD to the Er today, she spiked a 103.7 fever in bout 3 hours time and i had tried to give her some tylenol and before she even got any of the meds down she started vomiting. i called him on the way to see if he wanted to meet me there or me call when i knew something or what, he said will meet you there... so he met me there, and he mentioned his Ds from a prev marriage called on his way out the door and he had told him that he would call him back when he got home. i said WELL im sorry to have messed up your phone call, he said im more than willing to do what i have to do to be here for our DD. She wanted me to hold her so i held her and something made me tear up, he asked whats wrong i said its nothing, well he pushed and i said well i shouldnt have to CALL you to let you know she is sick, he said well we dont really have time to talk about it in depth right now, we will talk bout it tomorrow night while i am at work, he called at 8 to check on her and then again at 10 to tell her GN... i dunno what he is thinking or doing, he just registered a truck and he put THIS addy as the address opposed to the NEW addy. he hasnt changed his mail or anything... i dunno, i know he has spent a lot of money on her since this began, she is to get her income taxes back soon, and is supposed to "payoff" a loan we have on a truck, and it is about the same amount he has spent on her, so i dunno if he is waiting for that and then going to say well i didnt TRY to make my marriage work so i think i need to do everything in my power to fix it and i dont want you anymore, i want my wife and DD...
i dunno.

I'm so sorry you are hurting in this way. I wish he would wake up and come home to you both! I comend you for what you are doing though. I wish I had what you have! You are doing a great Plan A. If it comes down to it though, you might thing of doing Plan B. Have you ever heard of attachment? He has that with you right now and if you were to say move on with your life without him he might just sit up and say "Hey, this isn't what I really want" and come back. But to make the attachment feeling come out in him you'll need to remove yourself from him. Like doing a 180 from that one website. Something like that. You have to show him that his carrying on the way he is, is NOT acceptable to you. Right now he has you both so it's like having his cake and eating it too.

I'm here for you any time you want to chat if you like! I have IM <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thanks for the reply, i will have to do some thinking on how to do a plan B cause thats not really my personality and everyone knows it, lol and we have a daughter that I have to think about and figure out how i can turn the lights out so to speak and still be there for HER and her needs.... if that makes sense..

PLAN B HERE I COME!
at this point i am hoping for the best and preparing for the worst. we (me and DD) can live without him, and if he decides he is remorseful and wants to try again then at that point i can decide if that is what i want.. and thats what it is a CHOICE!

well, im still thinking about going to PLAN B but yesterday wasnt a good day for me and when he calls from "restricted" numbers i know he isnt at his "house" it is a cell phone he bought for her with OUR money and it just bothers me, and he took her to a place where WE always went together. and i know where he was at, cause he called and asked me if i was going......

advice?