first post, sorry bout the length

OK, history first, I guess. 29 dec, WH came in after work and we talked about what he had told me on the phone ONS and i told him people are human, ppl make mistakes we can get through this, do u want to go to conuseling? no i dont think it will help at this point ive been unhappy over a year. so we dropped that, he was going to a friends to think, yet MOW was living there since 24 dec.
he told me I love you, too, but not like I used to - we need to talk.I love you but not IN love with you stuff." yet not the last "I love you" in any form. (other than as the mother of my child)

Knew our relationship had been a mistake since the beginning (5 years ??) and it never should have happened. We had NEVER had a good time, never really cared for each other like we should - he couldn't even remember the fun times. And on and on....All this was news to me! We were the couple that most people envied! We had had a hard couple of years, knee surgery, shoulder surgery, living with my parents, but I had NO idea. I wanted to die.

THEN, he told me about MOW. She made him feel WONDERFUL. He finally knew what true love really was and he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. He could treat her girls like his own?and They like the Coke Guy(he was her EXBFs boss and she would bring them up there to see the BF and met my hubby)he bought them cokes one night I had NEVER made him feel this way, we were never meant to be, etc......you know the stuff, right? We've all been there.

So, ive cried. And couldn't sleep, lost enuf weight for someone that knows me well to notice the difference in 2 weeks time, all the standard stuff. and he left to go to the friends to THINK(left to be with her). He came to me about week later after he had been here DAILY to spend time with ME and DD and said if you are still willing i would like to go to counseling. OK we made appt.

When he left, I knew where he was. He contacted us, multiple times a day. He spent some time talking to me and us "tring to work things out", While the whole time he was going back to her everytime he left here. Then he calls me about 2ish on the sunday before we are to start counseling on monday to tell me he wants a D, and we talked to bout 6 am, so we decided together to meet bout 1030ish at a public place to TALK. And he himself called and rescheduled the appt, we went on wednesday, he didnt realize how much stress i thought was on him.and up til then we were WORKING on things, i get a phone call from MOW's ex hubby(didnt find out til this week that her divorce isnt final) to let me know some info that he knew. So i get in the truck and drive over there, and come to find out i was getting lied to the whole time, she was getting lied to the whole time and he was doing what HE wanted to do.

MOW and Wh basically set up house. He already had her moved into a new place b/f he left. Told everyone he ran into that we were through. She has told people that as soon as everything was said and done that they are getting married . No financial support whatsoever. He called infrequently - after this other than when he needed something (until the last week when he was at work), hasnt been here since 21 Jan. Didn't give me his cell phone number the one he bought for her with OUR money. Has given me a prepaid cell number to contact him on. yet everytime i try to call it goes straight to VM, how am i posed to contact him in emergancy? leave a Vm and HOPE he calls back? Was cold and mean to me - when she was around to hear him talk to me. Calls to talk to DD and she doesnt even seem to want to.He is someone I don't even know.


I owe my friends and DD my life. They calmed me down. Cried with me, got me through way too many sleepless nights, laughed with me, and kicked me in the butt and outta feeling sorry for myself when I needed it. I think that was the most important thing of all. And helped me find something to laugh at in the midst of all this mess.

So, like they said, the rawness eased - the hurt has seemed to found it's place, I started paying attention to what people were trying to teach me, got rid of my stubborness and self-righeousness. and started THINKING.


You know, Wh cant come up with one specific thing about me as a wife that was bad. Even said so himself. I mean, I have worked my butt off to be a good wife, and sahm.

And I thought about him too. I'd known this man for five years - through good times and what I THOUGHT were bad times (this mess sorta changes your perspective!!) This was not him...to abandon us, leave us to starve. He and DD were inseperable. Something is definitely not right. This was NOT him....not from my experience, or that of his family and friends (who he has now begun to turn his back on, dont care what you say to me, im going to do "this" anyway) Sooo.....

Well, after reading a some boards on affairs, looking realistically at my contributions to the state of our marriage, I started to understand. Don't erase the pain - just sorta took the edge off. Through searches and stuff I learned about marriages and affairs. My basic personality is to DO something. Now, I have a bit of understanding, AND something I could do! Im tring to get stronger and stronger. Sure, there are bad days. New Years come to mind, as well as one notable weekend w/ two love-busting visits. The power of a love buster!! As I grow stronger, I feel freer. I realize that I had the power. He doesn't keep me going, I realize its up to me to do that, and to keep HIM going, too! Even though he doesn't know it.

First decision. Do I love my husband? Yup, more than life itself - not the things he's doing now, but the man he truly is inside. Second. Do I want my marriage back? Nope - not in the least bit if it is like it is NOW. Third - Am I ready to work for it? Absolutely!! I ask myself these three questions every single day. Every morning, before I got out of bed, I ask myself these questions. Same answer. If EVER there is not the same answer then i am DONE!

So I love him. And respect and believe in the man I KNOW is inside. Im learning to look PAST this behavior and into the soul of the man that Im convinced is still there. And try to understand the torture he is going through - even though he doesn't THINK he is?? I take the good little signs and that helps support my love and the bad ones i just blow off. Im writing him letters at least once a week, and will end each one now with "I love you and I will always believe in you." and a lil thing that i have put at the end of them since we have been together, I never take off his ring. HE has mine. If anyone asks why I am wearing it - angry or curiously. I tell them I love him, I am/was married to him and I would always be married to him in my heart. At the end of each of the few visits, I hugged him goodbye and said "I love you." I get nothing except, I'll never come back." I just told him to do what he needed to do, but I'd always love him. I never really discuss HER with him, never mention her name, unless i feel i have to. I try not to discuss us or our marriage. If he brings it up, I'll just say I love him and I wanted what would make him happy. No more. He just sounds like he is thinking i lost my mind. LOL

I am working on myself too. I try not to sit around waiting. I continue to love him, but I have a daughter to raise and life is happening. I know I can't support us and not work so i am going to look for a job. She cant stay at home til she starts school. And I don't have much time. I knew my job would be ending, just didn't know when (stay at home mommy and wife). So I am thinking about enrolling her in head start. Try to get out with her as much as possible with the weather as it is and her being sick. I enjoy more days than I don't. And growing stronger.
During this time, I forgave him. Don't remember how, just all of a sudden, realized that I wasn't angry and didn't hold anything against him. WH had held marriage sacred, had always been there for me, no matter what. For a good, kind and decent man - the most wonderful man I have even known to turn his back on everything that had ever been important to him - something was wrong. And I couldn't love him and not forgive him for something that took him over so completely. I have learned to laugh. I began sleeping, I began to live. But I didn't stop loving him. I think THAT'S moving on and forgiving him.

Around the middle of last week . he started calling a bit more, bogus reasons, favors he needed. Still talking divorce. But finally communicating a bit. I just listened. Never really talked about us. Now i dont have to pretend that im his friend, I was REALLY his friend! You know? I care about him, love him and want what was best for him. Like only a real friend would. Of course, I still want him back, but, I wasn't forcing it anymore . He called one day at work, wanted to talk about spousal support kinda got nasty with me . I patiently listened and let him talk, no matter what he said, and eventually discovered that he had a lot on his plate at work . Once I thought about it and the way I know my husband is, I realized he could've talked to MOW. He needed to talk - he was scared. his fears turn into angry. And I was the target. Why? Because I was the one he could trust. And I was there for him. I found out later, I was right. Without even realizing it, when he got scared, he turned to me.

then last week i found out that he was going to a lawyer on 1 Feb. It was time to "get it over with." I hope to find out later that he is coming home b/c he decided he SHOULD. Now, it didn't hurt that MOW has became a B and pushing him, I have become someone he enjoyed being around/talking to. I am very proud of myself for what I am doing - for my marriage and for me personally. It seems that he has been doing a lot of thinking - for practically the whole time.?

There's so much guilt and other stuff. He tests me constantly to see if I am real and if my love is real. He says that we are both hard headed and strong ppl. He has hinted, he admires my courage, respects me for respecting him, even when I had no reason to, and that my believing in him is making him be strong?

Don't blast me, ok? I never felt humiliated or shamed. We made mistakes and bad judgements, but...stuff happens. I have small spurts of anger - at specific THINGS he did and said, but anger has never come easily for me - I believe it's simply another way of showing hurt, - I just let myself hurt and dealt with it. HE has to figure it out on his own. All I can do is be here and love him - if i choose to.... and that's what it is - a choice. Im not a doormat. Im strong and independent and coping with a difficult situation, standing strong for what you believe in in the face of all the adversity. But I'll be there for my child and Ive decided I'll sure as ****** be there for my husband as long as he'd let me - and sometimes, even when he wouldn't.

WH isnt going to decide "all of a sudden". All this time Plan A as MB calls it(I just do NOT have a Plan B personality!) were slowly building impressions that were eating away at his subconscious. When the time is right, a trigger will bring him to the surface. I'm not so sure that he really will do it to do the right thing by me and our DD . I think that's the excuse for doing what he wanted to do all along? I mean, his doubts are ust growing too quickly to have really wanted this. He isnt changing his mind quickly. Everything is slowing bringing him back to reality - we just couldn't see it. MOW is pushing and being Mean! She had him ask me if i could bring our SS over for her daughters birthday party this weekend.. and we(me and him) had agreed to ease our daughter into THAT situation and not FORCE anything on her.
The fog seems to be wearing thin and the reminder of his appt on 1 Feb was a last ditch effort to say IM not going back to W and will be with YOU to the MOW.

to make a long story short right now we are separated. we speak every day but it gets very emotional for me. not only do i have to be strong for me but for my daughter who went from a daddys girl to just seeing whenever he decides to stop by. he still says he loves me as the mother of his daughter but yet he is with her. i dont know if he is telling me what i want to hear or what. he brought the paperwork over to me on 2 Feb, it is a noncontested that he filed and he told me to take it to my atty and if anything needs to be changed or anything to have my atty send it to his and we will go from there, i spoke with his atty and she said that he seemed confused and if someone were pushing him to go ahead and file. he had told our daughter on that day that he would come over this past sunday to play with her before we went to a meeting we had to attend, he called and resigned his postion and didnt come to see our daughter, well he called to tell her GN like every night and she wouldnt talk to him, so i told him it could have something to do with you not showing up. he was like OMG, i forgot why didnt u call and remind me? i said well u had talked about it all week the week before and U are the one that told her you would so i assumed you would.
he calls back 30 minutes later, you KNOW i forget things like that, you should have called and reminded me. then calls back 30 min later again and when i answer he hangs up. he ended up drinking a 5th of southern comfort from 10pm-1230 when he called his mom, telling her i have always tried to do right by W and DD and all i seem to do is disappoint them there is nothing i can do or say to make up to W the pain i have cause her and DD.

so what are the experts advice on all this?
im kinda lost and confused in the whole process of this.

BS-Me- 25
WH-Him-33
MOW-22
DD-4

married since 02

any other ?s you may have that i havent answered feel free to ask....

Hi CG,

U R not lost. A bit distracted but not lost. The WS is lost but your H is trying to push his way out of the hole, he has been kept in.

Keep shining that light for your H and keep pushing the WS out.

He has to be told these are his choices and while you and Dd love your H and dd's dad, the WS has not been a friend of the family and the WS has to go. Let him know you want your H home NOT the WS. Right now the WS is losing and the OW is being 'herself' (all OWs are beietches - <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> ).

Go read love must be tough by Dr. Dobson. You will find how to deal with the WS. It helps NOT to engage the WS in convo. Only when you know it is your H talking. Forces him to be your H when he is around you. When he isn't he is misterable but if he isn't truly repentant he will miss the OW when he is with you.

So you must learn to know when to let him back and when to keep him out.

L.

Well we had to take DD to the Er today, she spiked a 103.7 fever in bout 3 hours time and i had tried to give her some tylenol and before she even got any of the meds down she started vomiting. i called him on the way to see if he wanted to meet me there or me call when i knew something or what, he said will meet you there... so he met me there, and he mentioned his Ds from a prev marriage called on his way out the door and he had told him that he would call him back when he got home. i said WELL im sorry to have messed up your phone call, he said im more than willing to do what i have to do to be here for our DD. She wanted me to hold her so i held her and something made me tear up, he asked whats wrong i said its nothing, well he pushed and i said well i shouldnt have to CALL you to let you know she is sick, he said well we dont really have time to talk about it in depth right now, we will talk bout it tomorrow night while i am at work, he called at 8 to check on her and then again at 10 to tell her GN... i dunno what he is thinking or doing, he just registered a truck and he put THIS addy as the address opposed to the NEW addy. he hasnt changed his mail or anything... i dunno, i know he has spent a lot of money on her since this began, she is to get her income taxes back soon, and is supposed to "payoff" a loan we have on a truck, and it is about the same amount he has spent on her, so i dunno if he is waiting for that and then going to say well i didnt TRY to make my marriage work so i think i need to do everything in my power to fix it and i dont want you anymore, i want my wife and DD...
i dunno.

Bump?

CGU, first, your WH has stepped over a line and you need to react to that forcefully and quickly. He's filed for divorce. If you have not engaged an attorney, do so immediately. You have a daughter to protect and a vicious, bulldog of a divorce lawyer is your best shield to make sure the things you and she need are preserved. Don't shrink from this. You can have a lawyer working to protect you even while you work to save the marriage.

In fact, you can tell him over (and over again) that you only talk about saving the marriage with him. If he wants to talk divorce, talk to your attorney.

Once you’ve protected yourself and your daughter, what do you want to do?

Look, you can’t MAKE him come home and be a responsible husband and father. He must WANT to do that. What’s your plan to make that happen? Check out the link in my signature block about organizing a marital recovery and maybe you can adapt that to something that will work for you. Have you called Steve Harley for a personalized plan? That would be the best thing to do if you can afford it.

Lady, I see some hope you can reverse these problems and get your husband home. That she is being a…witch…is good. Sewing discord in their little fantasyland should be one of your primary aims in life. Don’t cooperate with their fantasy; give it no respect at all. Instead of it being a bright, shiny place where everything is warm and fuzzy, do what you can to shatter the crystalline beauty only they can see.

Have you exposed this obscenity to every single person in the universe who can put pressure on the adultery to end? If you haven’t, what is your plan to get that done? Exposure is your first step in breaking up the adultery, Lady. Tell us how you’re going to get it done, okay? Hint: There's a link to "Exposure 101" below in my signature block. This might be a good time to review it.

Finally, if you don't have a copy of Surviving An Affair by Dr. Willard Harley, get one as soon as you can. That is the text from which all the procedures discussed here on MB are extracted. Study it well; don't just read it, okay?

Hang in there, Lady. Things look bleak, but there are many of us here on MB who have gone through what you are only beginning…and we’re still sane and whole. You will be too.

PLEASE EXCUSE THE BIG FONT, IM NOT TO FAMILIAR WITH HOW TO QUOTE


I HAVE AN ATTORNEY, BUT THE WAY HUBBY IS TALKING HE WANTS TO WORK THINGS OUT ONE MINUTE AND THE NEXT HE WANTS THE DIVORCE. HE IS GIVING ME EVERYTHING IN THE DIVORCE. THERE ARE A FEW THINGS IN THE PAPERWORK THAT NEEDS TO BE CHANGED AND SO FORTH, BUT FROM ME TALKING TO HIS ATTORNEY, SHE SAID SINCE HE FILED A NONCONTESTED THAT THEY NORMALLY DONT WORK WITH OTHER ATTORNEYS AND SUCH AND THAT HE SEEMED RATHER UNCERTAIN THIS WAS WHAT HE REALLY WANTED WHEN HE CAME THERE AND FILED

Once you’ve protected yourself and your daughter, what do you want to do?

I WANT TO FIX MY MARRIAGE. I HAD NO IDEA THAT ANYTHING WAS WRONG, HE THREW THIS ON ME ALL THE SUDDEN. FROM 29 DEC TIL 21 JAN HE HAD BEEN HERE EVERYDAY TO SEE ME AND OUR DAUGHTER AND WE WERE TRING TO WORK THROUGH THE PROBS AND FIX THINGS, WELL THAT IS THE DAY THAT I FIND ALL THE INFO OUT THAT SHE HAD MOVED INTO THE HOUSE HE WAS STAYING AT BEFORE HE EVEN MOVED OUT OF OUR HOUSE.

What’s your plan to make that happen?
IM NOT REALLY SURE OF MY PLAN TO GET HIM TO WANT HIM TO COME HOME. IM SHOWING HIM HOW I CAN DO THINGS IF I HAVE TO BE A SINGLE MOM SO TO SPEAK, BUT ALSO SHOWING HIM THAT HE SHOULD BE AT HOME WITH HIS WIFE AND DAUGHTER AND NOT THERE WITH HER AND HER KIDS....

Have you called Steve Harley for a personalized plan? NO I HAVENT, IM PLANNING ON THAT IN THE NEXT WEEK OR SO.

Lady, I see some hope you can reverse these problems and get your husband home. That she is being a…witch…is good. Sewing discord in their little fantasyland should be one of your primary aims in life. Don’t cooperate with their fantasy; give it no respect at all. Instead of it being a bright, shiny place where everything is warm and fuzzy, do what you can to shatter the crystalline beauty only they can see.
DO U HAVE SUGGESTIONS ON HOW I CAN DO THAT? CAUSE IF IT COMES TO THE DIVORCE AND ALL I AM GOING TO HAVE TO ACCEPT THE REALTIONSHIP BECAUSE MY DAUGHTER WILL HAVE TO GO THERE EVERY OTHER WEEKEND AND SO FORTH, AND I WILL NOT ACCEPT MY DAUGHTER BEING TREATED UNFAIRLY TO HER 2 KIDS.

Have you exposed this obscenity to every single person in the universe who can put pressure on the adultery to end?
I HAVE TOLD EVERYONE I CAN THINK OF. I HAVE NOT CALLED HIS BOSS BUT THE WOMAN ISNT A COWORKER, SO I DIDNT THINK I SHOULD HAVE TO INFORM THEM, HE HAS IN FACT TOLD HIS CO WORKERS THAT HIM AND I ARE DIVORCEING AND HAS TOLD THE BOSS.." WE ARE HAVING SOME PROBS AND TRING TO WORK THROUGH THEM" THAT WAS WHAT I WAS TOLD... ANY SUGGESTIONS?

I may have missed it, but have you exposed to the OW's husband?

well up until 21 jan i just knew that WH was staying at the friends and we were working on things, we went and filed our taxes that day and he deopped me back off at home, everything was FINE! well later that night i got a phone call from the OWH letting me know that she was living in the same house and had moved out of EXBF's house into this house on 24 dec and WH didnt leave here til 29 dec...
i was told by him all the lil details, i went and verified and thats when everything really started. i was also told the whole time that they were divorced, OW and OWH, but when i talked to my WH's lawyer that he told me to call if i had questions, that their office was doing her divorce as well and it was NOT yet final, wasnt even in the 90 day waiting period of after they both signed!
i have not talked to OWH in 2 weeks, but we are tring to keep each other informed of any drastic changes that way we both have some evidence for our cases if need be. i do know that he has some pics of one of their DDs that was taken after OW dropped them off at his daycare early on his day to get them, they go friday to friday visitation. that was reported to dept of human services, cause she had a mark on her leg that was "diaper rash" but only on one leg and halfway between the hip and knee on the back of the leg.

Talked to WH's mom tonight and she has informed him that he is not welcome in her house or OW is not welcome in his house til he gets his head out of his a** and actually tells the truth about somethings and TRIES to make things work and not just walk out the door on his wife and DD. WH talked to me before he talked to her and also when he called to tell DD GN, and he was very mad and upset that his mom had told him these things and that i "involved his mom" to this extent, i told him that she asked me ?s and i answered truthfully and that was all i could do, i wasnt going to lir to her about things to make myself look bad and him look good, he is the one that brought this on himself. if that makes sense, he said well i will call you back tomorrow night after things get settled at work and hopefully by then i will have this anger that i feel toward you for you involving her like this under control and i can talk about it rationally....
really think the pressure is being put on alot harder now then was up til this point by his family. and i know OW dad is putting alot of pressure on this, cause WH is the 4th person she has feel madly in love with and was going to live and die with since NOV when she moved out of her marital home. and he doesnt like my WH due to the fact of all he is doing to his family... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

does that make it clear as mud to you like it is to me? lol
any more ?s feel free to ask, im here to get help.

Good you have OWH and you MIL on your side.

R U ready for a plan 4 u?

L.

YES i am more than ready for a plan! i feel like im going day to day and i need to look at the longrun so to speak... im confused and need some guidance and support from someone that has been through this before....

CG,

Ok, let's get you ready t/d battle against the alien A. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

1. Get your finances secured. (Expect the OW to try to take away your identity and your security - OPs are quite selfish).

2. Read up on this A crap: Surviving an Affair, His Needs/Her Needs (both by Harley) and Love must be Tough (Dobson). There are other good books. These have helped me.

3. Keep your support group updated (as needed) and expand it to include all who will help. Be support for your children and let them support you (even hugs count - <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> ). Support can come from all sources, not must family and friends.....pets, co-workers, neighbors, strangers, utility companies, IRS, medical professionals, teacher's, baby sitters, police, sounds, songs, MB, even inanimate objects, whatever you need to boost your confidence. What I named are what I used to help me. There are stories behind how some of those gave me support.

4. When you are ready, read up on reverse babble and other tools designed to give the WS back their guilt.

5. Identify your personal boundaries. You will need to implement them once they are properly defined.

6. If you can setup phone MC with Steve Harley, that w/b super. He is quite good in getting on a plan and sticking to it.

I think that's enough for now. More can come later. Others will chip in with ideas. Adapt as needed.

take care,
L.

Orchid, I'm really interested in how the police and inanimate objects supported you during your battle..... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

1. Get your finances secured. (Expect the OW to try to take away your identity and your security - OPs are quite selfish).
WE DONT REALLY HAVE ANY FINANCES TOGETHER, WE LIVE PAYCHECK TO PAYCHECK ANYWAY, YET WE WERE IN THE PROCESS OF BUYING A HOUSE AND HE HAS SPENT BOUT 7000.00 ON HER IN THE 6 WEEKS HE HAS BEEN GONE AND LEFT ME WITH 2400.00 I STILL HAVE 22 OF THAT. AFTER I HAD TO PAY PART OF THE CELL BILL THAT HE RAN UP CALLING HER
2. Read up on this A crap: Surviving an Affair, His Needs/Her Needs (both by Harley) and Love must be Tough (Dobson). There are other good books. These have helped me.
WILL GO TO THE BOOKSTORE AND FIND THEM OR ORDER THEM, WE LIVE IN A RURAL AREA AND IT IS BOUT AN HOUR AWAY

3. Keep your support group updated (as needed) and expand it to include all who will help. Be support for your children and let them support you (even hugs count - ). Support can come from all sources, not must family and friends.....pets, co-workers, neighbors, strangers, utility companies, IRS, medical professionals, teacher's, baby sitters, police, sounds, songs, MB, even inanimate objects, whatever you need to boost your confidence. What I named are what I used to help me. There are stories behind how some of those gave me support.
TRING TO KEEP MY SPIRITS UP AND SUCH! DOING EVERYTHING I CAN, DAUGHTER HELPS ALOT WITH HER HUGS AND LOVING ON MY HORSE, BUT THATS SOMETHING ME AND HIM USED TO DO TOGETHER(FEED THE HORSES EVERYDAY) BUT I HAD MY HORSE BEFORE I HAD MY WH

4. When you are ready, read up on reverse babble and other tools designed to give the WS back their guilt. READING UP ON THOSE AT THE MOMENT

5. Identify your personal boundaries. You will need to implement them once they are properly defined.
WHAT EXACTLY WOULD BE AN EXAMPLE OF A PERSONAL BOUNDARY?

6. If you can setup phone MC with Steve Harley, that w/b super. He is quite good in getting on a plan and sticking to it.
I WILL LOOK AT THE MONEY I HAVE AND THE BILLS THAT I HAVE TO PAY THAT HE ISNT PAYING AND SEE WHAT I CAN DO ABOUT THAT.



HE IS STILL UPSET ABOUT HIS MOM LAST NIGHT AND TALKING VERY WHly AND NOT SANELY. HE IS BABLING ABOUT THIS AND THAT AND HOW HE IS NOT SENDING MIXEDS SIGNALS TO NOT ONLY ME BUT EVERYONE THAT KNOWS HIM FROM ME AND STUFF, TELLING THEM HE IS CONFUSED AND WANTS TO FIGURE OUT THE PROBS AND THEN COME HOME AND THE DIVORCE PROCEEDING CAN BE DROPPED AT ANY TIME TYPE STUFF.

no real update for today, didnt talk to him much on the phone last night cause our daughter didnt go to bed til late and i dont talk to him about serious things like THIS with her within earshot that way when and if he does come home she doesnt remember any negative things i have said to him, it that makes sense. he had a machine that was broke down all day at work today so he is behind, did thank me and DD for the cards for today...

Orchid: After much deliberation, my personal boundary settled on 'NOT having the OW in MY life'. Yep....initially the boundary list was long. Upon realizing the WS can't handle much, I selected the most important most solid boundary. Even if it meant losing the WS (big deal <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> ), so what!?!?! NOT having the OW in my life was very important.....the OW in my case was trying to steal my identity. They had already been on a trip and she registered as Mrs. WS. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

His A also taught us that we could live without him more than he could live without us. We didn't bring him chaos. Chaos clung to him like the OW did one night as she hung onto his leg while he was trying to leave. Imagine an OW on the floor (5'4") crawling on the floor begging the WS NOT to leave her, whilst in a hotel. LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> I read that on their e-mail and cracked up. That was a moment of clarity for me. I told the WS, that I certainly did not love him enough to degrade myself to that level. That if he had someone who was willing to make an azz out of herself for him....he really ought to be with her since he was already an azz. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />



Orchid: He is babbling. Don't waste time trying to make sense of his babble. He is confused because the WS doesn't have as strong a hold as you think. Watch his eyes. Keep the WS off balanced mentally. When he says he wants to come home, question why and don't take him back immediately. When he questions your love for him, throw it back in his face and question his love for the 'family'. Present you and your children as 1 package deal.

No WS goes to an OP with their family in tow. That may happen later but never up front. Not attractive for an A.

He needs to prove and earn back your trust before both can even consider love.

JMHO,
L.

Amazon.com is your friend for books etc. They even deliver to Australia

Orchid: After much deliberation, my personal boundary settled on 'NOT having the OW in MY life'. Yep....initially the boundary list was long. Upon realizing the WS can't handle much, I selected the most important most solid boundary. I WISH I COULD USE THAT BOUNDARY BUT AT THIS POINT I DONT THINK I CAN, SHE IS USING HIS SN ON THE COMPUTER AND THEY ARE LIVING IN THE SAME HOUSEHOLD, SO IF I CALL THERE IS A CHANCE SHE IS GOING TO ANSWER... ALSO WHEN HIS VISITATION STARTS I WILL HAVE TO HAVE SOME FORM OF CONTACT WITH HER WHEN I PICK UP DD.....
Even if it meant losing the WS (big deal ), so what!?!?! NOT having the OW in my life was very important.....the OW in my case was trying to steal my identity. They had already been on a trip and she registered as Mrs. WS.
NOW THAT TAKES SOME GUTS. THE OW ISNT THAT BAD ON MY END YET... I DO KNOW SHE IS STILL GETTING THE RUN AROUND FROM WH AS MUCH AS ME, SHE DID HOWEVER TELL A MUTUAL FRIEND THAT WH AND I HAVE THAT THEY WERE ENGAGED.

His A also taught us that we could live without him more than he could live without us. We didn't bring him chaos. Chaos clung to him like the OW did one night as she hung onto his leg while he was trying to leave. Imagine an OW on the floor (5'4") crawling on the floor begging the WS NOT to leave her, whilst in a hotel. LOL!!! I read that on their e-mail and cracked up. That was a moment of clarity for me. I told the WS, that I certainly did not love him enough to degrade myself to that level. That if he had someone who was willing to make an azz out of herself for him....he really ought to be with her since he was already an azz.
YOUR OW SEEMS TO BE OFF HER ROCKER SO TO SPEAK. WHY WOULD SOMEONE WANT TO CLING TO SOMEONE THAT MUCH?


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....HE IS STILL UPSET ABOUT HIS MOM LAST NIGHT AND TALKING VERY WHly AND NOT SANELY. HE IS BABLING ABOUT THIS AND THAT AND HOW HE IS NOT SENDING MIXEDS SIGNALS TO NOT ONLY ME BUT EVERYONE THAT KNOWS HIM FROM ME AND STUFF, TELLING THEM HE IS CONFUSED AND WANTS TO FIGURE OUT THE PROBS AND THEN COME HOME AND THE DIVORCE PROCEEDING CAN BE DROPPED AT ANY TIME TYPE STUFF.


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Orchid: He is babbling. Don't waste time trying to make sense of his babble. He is confused because the WS doesn't have as strong a hold as you think. Watch his eyes. Keep the WS off balanced mentally. When he says he wants to come home, question why and don't take him back immediately. When he questions your love for him, throw it back in his face and question his love for the 'family'. Present you and your children as 1 package deal. THAT I REALLY INTEND TO DO, 1. NOT TAKE HIM BACK IMMEADITAELY. 2. QUESTION HIS LOVE FOR THE FAMILY.

No WS goes to an OP with their family in tow. That may happen later but never up front. Not attractive for an A.

SEE THE OW CAME AS A PACKAGE DEAL AND IT DOESNT SEEM TO BOTHER MY WH AT ALL. SHE DID TELL ME THE OTHER NIGHT IN A CONVO I HAVE ARCHIVED ON MY MESSENGER THAT HE TALKS BOUT DD ALL THE TIME AND TALKS BOUT HOW MUCH HE MISSES HER AND SUCH ( I DIDNT REPLY LIKE THIS TO HER, BUT MY THINKING WAS, THATS WHAT HIS SORRY AZZ GETS FOR WALKING OUT ON HIS FAMILY AND WALKING INTO A NEW LIFE IN BOUT 20 MIN TIME FROM HERE TO THERE.)

He needs to prove and earn back your trust before both can even consider love.

I TOTALLY AGREE!!!!!

I AM GOING TO GO AHEAD TOMORROW AND PAY MY LAWYER AND GET THE PAPERS CHANGED WHILE WH IS BEING CIVIL AND AGREEABLE AND MORE LIKELY TO JUST OK THE CHANGES AND SIGN THE PAPERWORK AGAIN, AND THEN I CAN SIT ON THEM A LIL WHILE LONGER.... IT WAS GETTING DOWN TO THE WIRE OF ALMOST THE 30 DAYS I HAD TO RESPOND AND IF I DIDNT THEN HE COULD CHANGE ANYTHING HE WANTED AND THE D WOULD BE GRANTED....

he has pushed and pushed and rubbed HER in my face long enuf.
PLAN B HERE I COME!
at this point i am hoping for the best and preparing for the worst. we (me and DD) can live without him, and if he decides he is remorseful and wants to try again then at that point i can decide if that is what i want.. and thats what it is a CHOICE!

Sounds good. Do you meant it? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

YES i whole heartedly mean the hoping for the best and preparing for the worst. and i really do mean that he is GOING TO HAVE to be remorseful and repentant of the things he has done... the money can be replaced, but the things he has said and done since DDAY are what he has to regret and the pain he has caused me and DD is going to have to be healed before i can make a CHOICE to be with him again....

well, im still thinking about going to PLAN B but yesterday wasnt a good day for me and when he calls from "restricted" numbers i know he isnt at his "house" it is a cell phone he bought for her with OUR money and it just bothers me, and he took her to a place where WE always went together. and i know where he was at, cause he called and asked me if i was going......

but i honestly think that if i went to plan B at this time, that he would look at it as i have given up and SHE is going to think i WON, she is gone for good and i dont have to worry about BW anymore... cause of all the pressure he has put on me, and i have tried honestly i have to make him see that its better here than there and that i can make it on my own if i have to but it would be better in the long run for OUR family to be together and not shuttle our DD back and forth...
it may be a thing where after so long of only seeing DD every other weekend and if and when i meet someone and it gets serious him saying OMG, this other man is going to be raising my daughter and im stuck here with OW and HER kids thing... he is very adament about no other man raising his kids. he has a S with his 2nd wife that is in that situation right now, we have tried to go visit him/ talk to him/ see him and 2nd wife will not allow it. they live in SD. we live in TN.
then he is going to come crawling back wanting to actually work on things and not play head games with me and OW and work on things and then i am going to have to make a CHOICE. and in the end i have to look out for whats best for #1 our daughter and #2 me, i cant live my life like it is RIGHT now... there is to much hurt and pain......


im thinking about going to the Dr and getting some kind of meds to control my emotions a bit so i can get a better prosepective on things!!!!

any advice will be apprecited!