no advice?

Give me a bit longer....on the phone with another MBer. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

well, last night was the first night since all this started that he DID NOT call and tell her GN. he did call tonight and she told him about a bobo(boo boo) that she got when a can fell on her toe tonight, and then he asked me what she said cause she was excited that he called and she wasnt talking clearly, and that was the extent of the convo. he said TY and hung up.........
UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Have you identified your personal and marital boundaries?

Make it a short list.

L.

ok ill update a bit then i will list the boundaries and you can criticize them and see if some need to be added or took out or i need to think about some of whatever.....
he called last night to tell DD good night, asked me about her bobo(boo boo) and then hung up, has OW send me message on yahoo to ask me some questions, ( about truck and about horse) i told her that i would call him, he was busy so he told me he would call me today, he ended up getting online last night when he got off work and asked me them himself. tells me he didnt call monday cause he was busy at work and their house got broken into while she was at his work. nothing stolen, but kinda fishy that it happened that way at the house they were staying at before they got "their" house. he calls this morning and cussed me for giving his number to a "bill collecter" i told him, well they called and i told them this wasnt you number and i gave them your number... well from now on, just take a message and send it via email, or IM on yahoo( i was thinking im not an answering service) didnt say it cause i had already been reamed why ask for more..... calls back bout an hour later and asked about my lawyer and giving me ultimatiums and such.... he has NOT called to tell her GN yet tonight and its 45 min past that time.........

now for the boundaries:
Personal:

Put DD's best intersts first

You don't have a right to tell me what to think, or invalidate my feelings

Don't vent your anger on me, I won't have it. ( which i have been letting him do, 1. cause i know he cant talk to her about some things cause of the relationship she has with some co workers of his SO)

If we're going to have a working relationship, I need honesty, respect and equality.

marital:
The realationship with J must end with NO CONTACT for the rest of OUR LIVES!

Put DD's best intersts first, like you have done up til DEC 06.

No name calling or cussing out the other person.

Stick to the topic of contention. No bringing up the past, unless that’s the topic.

No ultimatums or threats


I won't accept your belittling jokes, your criticism or your condescending attitude toward me

I won't be disrespected - If you won't respect me, then stay away

If we're going to have a working relationship, I need honesty, respect and equality.

I need to communicate when we have a misunderstanding

I need openness and sharing in a relationship - your witholding is making our relationship not satisfying to me

Some of them are on BOTH personal and marital, to me they are one in the same in some aspects...

Any suggestions or anything is greatly appreciated!

bump

Cowgirl why are you interacting with OW?
Why does she IM you or call you or ANYTHING?
That takes balls! I'd hang up on her or block her IM's.
And if he asks why tell him you won't accept ANY communication from the homewrecker.

Since you have no custody arrangements, I would not let him have her if he's going to bring her around OW. Block it.
And add to your divorce settlement that you both agree not to introduce anyone for 6 months.

Let the consequences fall on him. Mom's mad at him? Thats his problem.

Any idea of what he finds attractive about her? What weaknesses were there in your marriage that made him vulnerable?

Once we know that we can direct you better in Plan A.

Cowgirl why are you interacting with OW?
WHEN SHE MESSAGES ME IT IS UNDER HIS NAME AND UNLESS I ASK AT THE BEGINNING I DONT KNOW WHICH IT IS. SHE IS TO LAZY TO CREATE A NAME.

Why does she IM you or call you or ANYTHING?
CAUSE SHE IS A B*TCH, SHE HASNT CALLED ME SINCE THE DAY AFTER I FOUND OUT ALL THE TRUTH, AND HER INTENTIONS WERE TO CLARIFY SOME INFO AND SHE WAS LEAVING HIM. HER EXCUSE TO IM ME IS THAT HE WANTED HER TO ASK ME SOMETHING OR ANOTHER.... TO NAG ME I GUESS, CAUSE HE KNOWS I WILL NOT TALK TO HER ABOUT ANY OF THIS, THAT I WILL TALK TO HIM AND NOTHING ABOUT THE DIVORCE, JUST GENERAL THINGS ABOUT OUR DD AND THINGS.

That takes balls! I'd hang up on her or block her IM's. AGAIN, SHE USES HIS SN SO I CANT BLOCK IT...
And if he asks why tell him you won't accept ANY communication from the homewrecker.
I HAVE TOLD HIM THIS SEVERAL TIMES! I THINK SHE KNOWS THAT AND WANTS TO RUB THINGS IN A BIT.

Since you have no custody arrangements, I would not let him have her if he's going to bring her around OW.
THAT WAS AN AGREEMENT THAT ME AND HIM HAVE HAD, SHE ISNT TO MEET HER UNTIL AFTER THINGS ARE SAID AND DONE AND THAT TYPE THING... BUT I CANT DO IT IF I JUST LET HER GO WITH HIM, WHICH MY LAWYER TOLD ME NOT TO DO UNTIL THINGS WERE SIGNED . Block it. DOING ALL I CAN....
And add to your divorce settlement that you both agree not to introduce anyone for 6 months. I WILL HAVE TO TRY TO DO THAT AFTER HE GETS THEM TO GO OVER THE CHANGES THAT I PUT IN THERE (SOME THINGS THAT HE AND I HAD DISCUSSED AND AGREED UPON BUT SHE WENT TO THE LAWUER WITH HIM SO HE DIDNT WANT TO PUT THOSE THINGS IN THERE) BUT HE IS CALLING AND TALKING TO PPL TO TRY TO GET THEM TO TALK ME INTO HURRYING UP AND SIGNING SO WE CAN "GET IT OVER WITH". "IF I DONT HURRY UP AND DO IT, HE WILL GO TO CONTESTED AND WILL PUSH FOR 50/50 CUSTODY AND HE WILL HAVE dd FOR 7 DAYS AND I WILL HAVE HER FOR 7 DAYS.) BUT LITTLE DOES HE KNOW THAT I HAVE TALKED TO MY LAWYER ABOUT ANYTHING LIKE THAT AND HE CANT DO IT, CAUSE OF HIS WORKING HOURS AND CHILD CARE, AND THINGS OF THATA NATURE. AND IF FAVORS ME SINCE I HAVE BEEN A SAHM FROM DAY 1!

Let the consequences fall on him. Mom's mad at him? Thats his problem. YEP PRETTY MUCH! I THINK ITS FUNNY...

Any idea of what he finds attractive about her? NOT A CLUE, IF ANYONE MIGHT HAVE SOME THOUGHTS ON THIS, IM MORE THAN OPEN TO HEAR THEM. SHE IS 22, HAS 2 KIDS AND DOESNT WORK. HE IS THE 4TH GUY SHE HAS MOVED IN WITH AND FEEL DEEPLY IM GOING TO SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH YOU IN LOVE WITH SINCE HER D WAS FINAL IN NOV.

What weaknesses were there in your marriage that made him vulnerable? I HAVENT A CLUE, THATS ONE OF THE PROBLEMS, HE IS TELLING PPL THAT HE HAD BEEN UNHAPPY FOR OVER A YEAR, BUT I CAN GIVE U A LINK TO BLOGS HE HAS POSTED ABOUT ME BEING HIS SOUL MATE, WANTING MANY MORE YEARS WITH ME, ME MAKING HIM SEE THE WRONG IN WHAT HE HAS DONE IN HIS PAST. THINGS OF THAT NATURE... I HONESTLY THINK HE IS SCARED... WE WERE N THE PROCESS OF BUYING A HOUSE AND HE MADE THE COMMENT AFTER WE SIGNED THE PAPERWORK FOR THE APPRAISER TO COME OUT. I HAVE BEEN MARRIED TWICE BEFORE AND I HAVE NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT BUYING A HOUSE WITH ANYONE. HE HAD BEEN IN THE ARMY FOR 11 YEARS, AND RIGHT AROUND THE TIME WE SIGNED THE PAPERS, THE US WAS TALKING ABOUT GOING BACK INTO SOMALIA(BLACKHAWK DOWN) AND THAT WAS HIS FIRST DEPLOYMENT AFTER HE GOT OUT OF BASIC AND HE WATCHED HIS BEST FRIEND GET KILLED, HE HAD MADE THE COMMENT THAT HE GUESSES HE WILL HAVE TO REENLIST TO GO FINISH WHAT THEY DIDNT IN 93. AND INSTEAD OF TALKING TO ME ABOUT HIS FEELINGS AND PROBLEMS, HE RAN! I THINK HE HAS SOME DEPRESSION PROBS/BIPOLAR OR SOMETHING, CAUSE WHEN HE IS HAPPY/HIGH HE IS GOOD AND WHEN HE IS SAD/LOW HE IS HORRIBLE. HE WONT LISTEN TO ANYONE TELLING HIM THAT HE NEEDS HELP, HIS MOM HAS BEEN TELLING HIM FOR YEARS TO GO GET ON SOME MEDS, HE REFUSES, " I DONT NEED THAT S*IT TYPE THING.....


Once we know that we can direct you better in Plan A.
THANKS, IF YOU NEED ANY FURTHER INFO, IM MORE THAN HAPPY TO PROVIDE IT.

AT THE MOMENT, I REALLY FEEL LIKE ALL IS LOST AND THAT ALL I CAN DO NOW IS: PRAY, AND HOPE FOR THE BEST WHILE PREPARING FOR THE WORST...
GIVE HIM ENUF ROPE AND HE WILL HANG HIMSELF THERE, AND COME CRAWLING BACK AND THEN I CAN INFLUENCE HIS DECISIONS A BIT MORE AND WE CAN GO FIGURE OUT WHAT THE REAL PROBLEM IS... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Cowgirl,

it sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders and you're not just sitting around waiting for something, you're doing something.

that's great!

you've done a lot of research and reading on your own and I think you have a great chance of a good outcome here.

you will need patience and to remember that right now your WH is an alien, but it looks like the A will probably fizzle out sooner rather than later if the OW keeps up her antics.

You'll be given a lot of great advice here from other BSs/FBSs.

As a FWW, I just wanted to offer your my support and encouragement. It can and does get better.

Mom

it sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders and you're not just sitting around waiting for something, you're doing something. THANKS AT TIMES I FEEL LIKE IM SITTING HER BEING A DOORMAT AND LETTING THINGS GO ON.
that's great!
you've done a lot of research and reading on your own and I think you have a great chance of a good outcome here. THANKS, IM BEGINNING TO THINK I DONT <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
you will need patience and to remember that right now your WH is an alien, but it looks like the A will probably fizzle out sooner rather than later if the OW keeps up her antics. I REALLY HOPE SO
You'll be given a lot of great advice here from other BSs/FBSs.
As a FWW, I just wanted to offer your my support and encouragement. It can and does get better.


Thanks....
if you dont mind can i ask you a few ?s

were they probs in your M before you started EA/PA? im not sure of your story......

what made you decide that the A was the option to go?

are you in R?

was there any landmark comments made to u by anyone that made you say "WTF am i doing? I have got to go back to H and work things out?"

what made you decide that the A wasnt the thing to do and be remorseful and repentant of the things you did?

any insight you can give me on his thinking would be appreciated....


TY

If u r getting mixed IMs what do u think u s/d?

IMHO: Don't answer IM's from that source. If the WS gets mad, let him know you do not deal with OWs or WS' giving mixed IMs. That's YOUR boundary.

See the OW now feels the need to control U! Do you realize this and how does that piece of news make U feel?

As for your progress, that frustration is part of the stages. Please review the link in my sig line about the stages of grieving.

U R frustrated and feel like u r not making the progress you s/b. In reality u r making the progress u s/b for this timeframe. U can't rush these things, so learn how to cope with them and be smart to learn how to use this time to your advantage. That's called a plan. Want one? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

Orchid is right. You CAN block that e-mail address. And when he asks why you can tell him that she is contacting you by that method and you will no longer accept contact from that source.

Consequence.

If u r getting mixed IMs what do u think u s/d?
I HAVE NO IDEA. THATS ONE OF THE ONLY WAYS I COMMUNCATE WITH HIM ON WEEKENDS. CAUSE HE CAN TALK TO ME WITHOUT HER AROUND AND IF SHE WALKS INTO THE ROOM HE CLOSES THE WINDOW! SO HE IS KEEPING HER IN THE DARK ABOUT TALKING TO ME AS MUCH AS HE IS. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />


IMHO: Don't answer IM's from that source. If the WS gets mad, let him know you do not deal with OWs or WS' giving mixed IMs. That's YOUR boundary. I AGREE. BUT AT TIMES I FEEL IM NOT STRONG ENUF TO WITHSTAND THAT PRESSURE NOT OF ANSWERING THE MESSAGE. WHAT IF ITS A THING WHERE HE WANTS TO TALK TO ME ABOUT COMING HOME AND I DIDNT ANSWER?

See the OW now feels the need to control U! Do you realize this and how does that piece of news make U feel? IM BEGINNING TO REALIZE SHE THINKS SHE CAN CONTROL ME, AND IT REALLY PIS*ES ME OFF.... BUT REGARDLESS HOW HE FEELS ABOUT HER, HE HAS OPENLY TOLD ANYONE AND EVERYONE THAT IN THE END THE ONLY PERSON THAT MATTERS IS OUR DD AND THAT HE CAN BE ALONE AND SPEND TIME WITH HER AS WELL AS HE COULD IF HE HAD OW.

As for your progress, that frustration is part of the stages. Please review the link in my sig line about the stages of grieving. READ IT SEVERAL TIMES! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

U R frustrated and feel like u r not making the progress you s/b. In reality u r making the progress u s/b for this timeframe. U can't rush these things, so learn how to cope with them and be smart to learn how to use this time to your advantage. That's called a plan. Want one?
I SO WISH SOMEONE COULD SIT DOWN AND WRITE UP STEPS THAT I CAN GO BY AND FOLLOW AND I WOULDNT HAVE TO KINDA PLAY IT ALL BY EAR.....

Orchid is right. You CAN block that e-mail address. And when he asks why you can tell him that she is contacting you by that method and you will no longer accept contact from that source.
Consequence.

I REALLY DONT THINK HE CARES ABOUT THE CONSEQUENCES TO MUCH AT THIS TIME, IF HE DID, HE WOULDNT BE THERE... CAUSE HE KNOWS THAT HIS RELATIONSHIP WITH HIS DAUGHTER IS GOING TO FALL APART. OW IS SAYING THAT FROM NOW ON THEY ( WH AND OW) ARE GOING TO PICK UP AND DROP OFF ALL CHILDREN INVOLVED... HE HAS OPENLY TOLD ME WITH OW AROUND THA THE DOES NOT WANT TO THROW DD INTO THE SITUATION AND THAT FOR AT LEAST A FEW MONTHS, WH AND DD ARE GOING TO SPEND THE DAY TOGETHER AND THEN HIM BRING HER BACK TO ME. AND OW WILL NOT BE AROUND, AND AS TIME GOES BY HE WILL INVITE OW AND OW'S KIDS TO SAY THE PARK TO MEET WH AND DD TO LET THE KIDS INTERACT.....

HAD A PHONE CALL FROM WH TODAY, IN THE PAPERWORK HE BROUGHT TO ME IT SAYS HIS EVERY OTHER WEEKEND STARTS THIS WEEKEND. MY LAWYER AND HIS LAWYER ALIKE HAVE TOLD ME THAT THAT PAPERWORK IS JUST PAPERS UNTIL IT HAS BEEN FILED.... AND MY LAWYER TOLD ME THAT HIS OPINION WAS TO LET HIM SPEND TIME WITH DD BUT I WAS THERE... WH COMING OVER TO MY HOUSE TO VISIT HER, MEET WH AT MCDONALDS WITH DD, MEET AT PARK, SOMETHING OF THAT EFFECT..... AT FIRST WHEN I TOLD HIM THAT HE WAS <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> AND THEN AS THE CONVO WENT ON, HE BEGAN TO UNDERSTAND MY POSITION AND THAT HE WOULD CALL ME BACK LATER TODAY AND LET ME KNOW, HE HASNT CALLED BACK AS OF YET..... BUT BECAUSE HE THINKS THAT PAPERWORK IS LAW, AT 6 I MAY GET A VISIT FROM HIM AND LOCAL SHERIFF'S DEPT, TRING TO FORCE ME INTO LETTING HIM TAKE HER.... SO I DUNNO


<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

if any of my readers are on, can you please come talk to me on private message or something before i lose control and do something i will regret the rest of my life?????

cowgirl

i'm here if you still need to talk

i'll help if i can

IM SO ANGRY!!!!

I CAN NOT WIN FOR LOSING OVER HERE.... I DO WHAT HE WANTS, LAWYER WISE, I GET REAMED FOR THAT, HE WANTS ME TO SIGN AND GET IT OVER WITH, BUT WHEN I DO WHAT MY LAWYER TELLS ME, I GET REAMED FOR THAT AS WELL!!!!!
NOW I HAVE HER GETTING ON AND TELLING ME THAT SHE IS DONE WITH HIM AND DONE WITH THE FIGHTING WITH ME AND HIM ABOUT ALL THIS BS, AND THEN I HAVE HIM CALLING AND GETTING ME UPSET WHILE IM TRING TO GET OUR DAUGHTER TO BED......

I TRIED TO PRIVATE MESSAGE YOU, BUT IT SAID THEY WERE DISABLED??? KNOW HOW TO FIX THAT????

cowgirl they don't allow anyone here to private message

they believe it could lead to affairs

i hadn't yet read your thread when i saw you request for help.

i've just gone back and started it but only got to the bottom of page #1 so excuse me if i don't know everything. i will still do my best to help.

i've been here for 2 years so far and i've counseled with Jennifer Harley the co-author of SAA at least 8 times so far (i'm sooo broke from that!)... i know alot about the harley's plans

from what i read on the 1st page

it seemed that MOW and your H are living together

she is pressuring him to file

he has filed for an uncontested D

and is giving you just about everything

oh yes......i also know you're a BS who is willing to work like h*ll to save her marriage

if i'm understanding correctly

the OW has been lovebusting BIG time

your post just now sounds like GOOD news for you...NOT BAD if i'm understanding the situation

i'll explain what i think is going on but i don't have enough details to be sure i'm on the right track

this is a sign that the OW lovebusting and pressuring your H to D is taking a toll on "fantasyland"

IF he's offerring to give up "almost everything" to you

it is because OW wants him to get rid of you fast.... nothing faster than an uncontested D with no arguments about who gets what IS there?

so....your H isn't REALLY sure he even wants a D...his lawyer even told you this

it's OW pressuring him

and giving everything up?

you KNOW he can't be happy about that.....but OW is pressuring him to make it easy so it's FAST

she's love busting......she's making withdrawls from a love bank of someone who is already unsure that any of this is what HE wants

and this is making him start to resent OW.....so he's lovebusting her!!!

there's no room in "fantasy land" for lovebusting IS there.....

no-no-no

they are always "happy" when they are together....that's what makes this "so right"

and they are both "renters" as are all people in this stage of an affair.......they are give, give, giving to each other right now.......sacrificing for "love"

i will give up my H for you

then I will give up my wife for you!

i love you so much i will file for D to show you just how much! (OW)

(H thinking to himself.....wow....THAT was sooner than i expected but okay i guess) then i will file for D too because i love you just as much!

i will give up everything to my H to get him to agree to the D fast so we can be "free" and "start our new and womderful life"

okay......well i guess i will give up everything too

"renters" give and give....to show thier love...and they keep doing this AS LONG AS IT IS FAIR....as long as they are also BEING GIVEN what they consider a fair exchange

but if the balance changes....someone gives more and gets less in return

watch out! the "taker" in them starts to say "hey that's not fair....what about me" and demands start to get mad....pressure to do whatthey consider fair and do it fast so we are "even" in our sacrificing.

pressure from OW is a demand......demands are lovebusters and withdraw MORE love units

causing them to feel less "in love" and start arguing

is this making sense?

Post deleted by eav1967

Post deleted by eav1967