she really would like some support in making her decision about agreeing to the uncontested D or not and plan A or B either way

i don't think she wants to share her thoughts about the choices in case her H comes here.

THAT IS EXACTLY MY THOUGHTS.

cowgirl.....please see the edit to my post on page #4
(3rd post up from the bottem)

ORCHID:Not a problem. Thanks for summarizing.
We can still support her from here even though 'eyes' may be watching.
In the past we have even posted to those 'eyes'. It usually scares them off.
Let her CGU know we are here to help. She doesn't have to post all. Just enough to get her the help she needs.
I have seen many a BS get over this hump and it usually ends up with the mind and heart going in sync and the WS can't do a thing about it.
After that the BS can get quite assertive in their effort to move forward.
I want to say, this doesn't mean it's the end of the M, just a chapter closing.... a very exhausting chapter.
EAV1967 HAVE PRETTY MUCH SUMMARIZE EVERYTHING IN ITS ENTIRITY....



GAMEFACE:Hi CGU,
Just read your thread and I am sorry that you are in this position. I hope that you can protect yourself and DD from the pain caused by WW A.
As far as protecting yourself, it seems like your WH is willing to give you all the marital assets in a D settlement in order to get it done quick. Do you think that he would be willing to give you primary or full custody of your DD too? This would allow you to protect her from the horrible example being set by these two (WH and OW). YES ALL HE WANTS I EVERY OTHER WEEKEND 2 WEEKS IN SUMMER AND SPLIT HOLIDAYS.

It is my opinion that a child is best served by being raised in a safe, happy home with both of her parents. If this will not be possible though, I still think it is good that a daughter (or son) have the presence of her father in her life and it seems like you want that for your DD as well. I am guessing that you would not in any way exclude WH from daughter's life, that you just want to protect her. Given that you are acting in an honorable manner, do you think that your WH would respect that example and trust you with custody? That way he can get his quickie D and you can protect yourself and DD. YES

EAV1967:this is what her H is offerring, including the custody

except there are no marital assets according to cowgirl. none (i think she said HE has debts but i'm not sure if it's both of thiers) WE HAVE A FEW JOINT DEBTS THAT WERE CREATED WHILE MARRIED, THE MAJORITY OF THEM ARE HIS FROM THE PAST, BEFORE I MET HIM.

the custody issue is really her main focus
YES!!!
however, a non-contested D will be finalized in 60 days from the time it is signed 90 DAYS!

she is weighing trying to buy more time by contesting against what he has offerred regarding custody if she agrees now

these things are being weighed....considering the lovebusting already going on, the dynamics of the OW and her previous A's and the speed at which it has led to D filings for both OW and cowgirls H

it seems though that her head and heart are telling her that D is not always the end and she has many thoughts to support her thinking that she may take the uncontested D route even if it only gives her 60 more days as his offical "wife" and she thinks plan A during that time will be her best hope... YES, EVEN IF I GO WITH THE NONCONTESTED, WE CAN ALWAYS GET BACK TOGETHER IN THAT 90 TIME FRAME OR EVEN AFTERWARD.

i don't think she wants to chance her H reading her thoughts about what might happen with them regarding whatever choices she makes... EXACTLY

ORCHID: Worst case scenario is the WS or OW does read here.... ok, so what? Most WS' can't handle or process info and as we all know the OWs are stupid....clever but stupid.

That's all to her advantage. Right now she needs to go for all the financial assets and security she can.

If the OW is THAT valuable....the WS ought t/b willing to start with NOTHING....to go to the OW as the broken man he is.
I recall asking my then WS, what the monetary value of his family was in HIS eyes. Even through the fog he said we were priceless. I took those words and rammed it up his WS throat. He still chokes on it to this day remembering how he almost sold his family for less than 'our value'.
I told him to go get the $$ so we c/b bought out. He had already lost his pants to the OW I certainly wasn't about to lost the family 'value'....even if it was monetary. LOL!! So we negogiated....started at a round #....1 mil.... I know it sounds silly but I had to start somewhere and 1 mil would have been doable.
By the end, I landed at a # 87K. Oddly enough that was the # OW had refied her house for as she was kicking her H out. LOL!!! That piece of info I got because I had done my homework..... via all legal methods.
WS knew OW didn't have the $$$. But I pursued....now I was pursuing and took away his abilty to threaten or bully me. With the I insisted he go get $$ from Mz. $$bagho. Crazy enough she wanted to give me about 7K to buy out the WS. Imagine that....from 1 mil to 7K. No deal....she was going to have to pay. See who was calling the shots now? WS felt like a rag doll in a tornado. Dorothy (aka: me) had the house and the wicked witch (aka: OW) was now under the house with only those red shoes sticking out.
So I got the bucket of COLD WATER (MB reality) and threw it on her (aka: she had no hold on me)......gave her 1 parting gift.... something no one who has $$ lying hidden in a homebased business wants..... those guys in the suit were flagged to go check out her reportings. There was reason to wonder...since she so flaggarantly claimed to have made sooo much $$..... I used her own words to make others wonder as well.

My point is for CGU to get control back....don't let the WS and OP bully her. The most she stands to lose is a few bucks..... she will have her dignity and her family. The WS will have nada.
I AGREE WHOLE HEARTEDLY, I JUST WANT TO MAKE SURE I HAVE THE MAJORITY OF THE TIME WITH DD SHE HAS BEEN WITH ME SINCE DAY 1 AND I HAVE BEEN A STAY AT HOME MOM. SHE LOVES HER DADDY WITH ALL HER HEART, BUT I REALLY FEEL THAT 50/50 IS GOING TO HURT HER MORE, CAUSE SHE ISNT GETTING AMPLE TIME WITH HER DADDY, HE WORKS 3PM-2AM MONDAY THRU THURSDAY, AND IF OVERTIME, ON FRIDAY AND SATURDAY AS WELL.
EAV1967:there really is no money to consider according to CGU: THERE ISNT ANY MONEY.... WE LIVED PAYCHECK TO PAYCHECK
her choices are:
1. what is offerred now-uncontested D in 60 days and full custody with child support.

it was suggested here that she ask to have astipulation included about visition without the OW......this hasn't yet been discussed and from what happened yesterday....it sounds as thought this might not be something her H willingly agrees to... YEAH

2. stall to give A time by contesting the D.....it would buy about 6 months

H will then request 50/50 custody.....but he only works a few hours a week and has no solid income so it's doubtful

her concerns are:

1. custody
2. if contesting to buy time would undo plan A and cause resentment
3. if uncontested and plan A is the best bet for what she wants


ORCHID:She is the mom. She needs to gather testimony of her supporters to build a case for her and against the WS. The WS has already done with by collaborating with the OW.
She could do a background check on the OW....so even if the OW finds out....so what??!?!? Nothing. All legal and above board.
Secure her finances and id her personal boundaries.
Her lawyer will give her the details which she doesn't need to post here so that part will be kept confidential.

As for personal support here as a BS, we can do that also.

I see nothing out of the ordinary in her case. My WS read here but he tired easily because I posted a lot. LOL!!! I didn't keep all on 1 thread and keeping up with the A is a demanding job for a WS. LOL!!!

CGU should make sure the WS pays his financial obligations. He works little, he still owes the same amount to whatever is required for child support, etc. Alimony will come later and there s/b no giving into his financial status. If he owes 1k, then he needs to figure out how to get that $$.
TOTALLY AGREE.
I recall my then WS telling me he couldn't pay and did I want him to resort to robbing a bank?!?!? Without blinking an I, my RB retort was: 'well....if that's what you need t/d but then you'd be in jail...then what?' I threw it back in his face. I was NOT about to absorb his guilt.

See the need NOT to let the WS bully you?

So even if the WS reads this....so what? Same plan....same planet



I THINK I HAVE ALL THE REPLIES REPLIED TO, IF I MISSED YOU IM SORRY, I HAVE HAD VERY LTTLE SLEEP AND HAVE A DD THAT IS VOMITING.

I WILL RETURN LATER

NO EAV, ITS OK, NOTHING IS GOING TO BE READ AT LEAST TIL NEXT WEEKEND, HIS INTERNET GOT SHUT OFF THIS MORNING, FOR NONPAYMENT, IMAGINE THAT.... AND BY THE TIME HE GETS IT BACK, IM SURE THERE WILL BE ENUF INFO THAT HE IS JSUT GOING TO THE LAST PAGE AND READ FROM THERE ... HE IS A LAZY READER. LOL


ANYWAY, FOR AN UPDATE, WE HAD AGREED TO ME TODAY AT THE CITY PARK OR MCDONALDS FOR HIM TO VISIT WITH DD, WE HAVE STORMS ROLLING IN AND TORNADO WARNINGS COMING THIS WAY, SO WE ARE GOING TO TRY TO DO IT TOMORROW.... HE WANTS TO SEE DD AND IS GOING TO BRING OW, AND LET HER KIDS PLAY AND HER STAY AWAY FROM US SO THAT SHE CAN MAKE SURE NOTHING IS " OUT OF THE ORDIANRY" AND SO SOMEONE DOESNT SEE ME AND HIM TOGETHER AND MAKE UP THINGS THAT WE "DID OR SAID" TYPE THING, I HAVE NO PROBLEM WITH THAT, ITS BEEN 3 WEEKS SINCE HE SEEN DD AND SHE IS ASKING ABOUT HIM...
BUT HE INSINUATED( DONT KNOW IF THAT IS SPELLED RIGHT) ON THE PHONE WITH ME THIS MORNING, WHILE I KNEW SHE WASNT THERE, THAT THEY FOUGHT TIL BOUT 6 AM AND SHE IS STILL DEBATEING LEAVING HIM, HE TOLD ME THAT HE DOES LOVE ME AND MISS ME, AND THAT HE IS SORRY, AND IF HE COULD CHANGE THE PAST HE WOULD............

OFF TO TAKE A NAP SINCE DD IS NAPPING RIGHT NOW.

I WILL TRY TO RETURN IN A BIT. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

cowgirl SUCH good news

especially him saying thse things to you!

i told you that yesterday's lovebusting and the OW packing up to leave were signs that this A is ending!! even if he "talked her out of it!"

oh yea! and they lovebusted each other all night!!

this is all wonderful!

if her H is willing to take her back, i bet she is already talking to him about it!

i would address the issues that seem to be keeping your H from just coming home again.

reassure him again!!!

*********************

[color:"blue"]"he is a GOOD man, a good H and a good father....

people make mistakes

you have forgiven himand are ready to put this in the past and move foreward

your hope is that you can both use what you've learned from the whole experience to make your marraige even better than before

that's what marriage is about. working together to make each other happy!

you are ready and hope he is too!"

(there will be much work ahead for both of you and YOU still have much to deal with cowgirl but telling his this now might make him again think it's too much for you to get through)
[/color]

you can't tell him this enough because this is the FEAR that is keeping him with OW........

he will need to know this again and again....and especially now

because a person who has done this to thier spouse can't imagine HOW their spouse could possibly forgive them, love them again, or have a good marraige with them again

once he begins to believe this......

the rest sounds easy in your situation!

THANKS FOR THE WORDS OF FNCOURAGEMENT!!!!
HE IS DUE TO CALL DD AT 10PM TO TELL HER GOODNIGHT, AND I DONT KNOW IF I WILL TLAK TO HIM ANYMORE OR NOT. BUT I DO WANT TO TELL HIM THOSE THINGS, BUT I THINK I MIGHT NEED TO WAIT TIL MONDAY NIGHT WHILE HE IS AT WORK SO SHE ISNT THERE, AND HE HAS SOME TIME TO PROCESS THE INFO BEFORE HE "GOES HOME" THAT NIGHT.... IM GOING TO PLAY TOMORROW "BY EAR" AND I HAVE TOLD HIM UP FRONT THAT IF AT ANY TIME I FEEL ATTACKED OR THREATENED, THAT I WILL PICK UP DD AND LEAVE. HE SAID THATS MORE THAN ACCEPTABLE TO HIM, I AM TAKING A FAMILY FRIEND WITH ME, SO ITS NOT ME BEING ALONE WITH HIM AND HER AND HER 2 KIDS. HE SAID HE MISSES DD TERRIBLELY, IF IT IS NOTHING MORE THAN US WALKING IN AND HIM HUGGING AND KISSING AND TELLING HER HE LOVES AND MISSES HER IT IS OK WITH HIM........

DD ASKED HIM 3 TIMES TODAY WHILE SHE WAS ON THE PHONE WITH HIM, IF HE WOULD COME HOME TONIGHT, AND HE TOLD HER THAT HE WOULD "THINK ABOUT IT" AND THIS PHONE CALL WAS MAYBE 15 MINUTES LONG AT THE MOST......

ANY MORE INSIGHT?????
I WILL BE OFF AND ON TIL LATER TONIGHT.

What does "I'll think about it" mean to a child? How cruel of the WS.

She will remember how he is treating her. Notice how he says he misses you and her not worrying about her feelings and your feelings.

He still has the heart of a WS. Be careful.

L.

What does "I'll think about it" mean to a child? How cruel of the WS.

THAT IS WHAT HE WOULD TELL HER AT THE BEGINNING, WHEN SHE WOULD ASK HIM, HE WOULD SAY THAT MOMMY AND DADDY HAVE SOME PROBLEMS THAT WE ARE GOING TO A PROFESSIONAL( MC) TO GET HELP WITH, AND ILL THINK ABOUT IT...... HE HAS ALREADY TOLD HER THAT HE HAS HIS OWN HOUSE NOW AND THAT HE WOULDNT BE LIVING WITH MOMMY ANYMORE, BUT NOW HE IS STARTING TO TELL HER AGAIN "ILL THINK ABOUT IT"...... WHICH COULD BE A GOOD SIGN, AND IT COULD NOT BE, IN MY OPINION STILL TO EARLY TO TELL....

She will remember how he is treating her. Notice how he says he misses you and her not worrying about her feelings and your feelings. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />
i TOTALLY AGREE!


He still has the heart of a WS. Be careful.
AGAIN I TOTALLY AGREE....


FOR AN UPDATE: IM SORRY I DIDNT GET BACK ON LAST NIGHT, IM FEELING A LIL UNDER THE WEATHER, AND JUST WAS SORTA BLAH ALL DAY. DONT HAVE MUCH ENERGY TO DO ANYTHING. HE MESSAGED ME AGAIN LAST NIGHT ON YAHOO, ASKING IF I SOLD SOMETHING THAT HE HAD TOLD ME YESTERDAY MORNING TO SELL, I TOLD HIM NO I HADNT BEEN ANYWHERE TO SELL IT AND HE SAID OH OK, DANG, I WAS HOPING TO HAVE THAT $.... IM REALLY BEGINNING TO THINK MONEY IS GETTING REALLY TIGHT OVER THERE, I HAVE HAD 2 PPL THAT HE HAS ACCOUNTS WITH THAT HE PUT DOWN THE CELL NUMBER AS THE CONTACT NUMBER CALL ME, TO TRY TO FIND HIM, CAUSE HIS PAYMENTS WERE LATE..... AND THATS BOUT HOW MUCH THE MONEY WOULD BE IF I SOLD THE ITEM HE ASKED ME TOO....
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO CALL ME ABOUT LUNCH TIME TODAY TO SET UP A MEETING TIME AND PLACE FOR HIM TO SEE DD, THAT CALL HAS STILL NOT CAME, AFTER NO CALL LAST NIGHT TO TELL HER GN......

FISHY FISHY FISHY!!!!!
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

he came over bout 430ish and stayed til about 6, him and ow's ex hubby had words and he called me about 8ish to tell me that he was on his way to meet the guy, "they needed to talk" called bout 9ish to say that he was in the town the guy lived in and was almost at the house and that he might be in jail... called at 10 and told me he was "home".........


why is he calling and telling me these things?
did find out that they have fought all weekend about her leaving, and the ex hubby was telling my WH that he was scum and that he didnt have money to put food on the table and pay bills and such.... wonder how the ex hubby found that info out???? and its a odd fact that it happened AFTER he get back from seeing DD.

What a cruel man to be telling such things to a 4 year old? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

As for his telling you, it is because he is scared....he s/b.

The A has taken an ugly turn. You must STAY OUT of their path and let them (WS and OP) kill the A. The spell of the A will be their own destruction. I have seen it many times.

You and your Dd be safe and for now, don't respond. He says he may end up in jail because he knows he isn't making proper decisions. Make sure he doesn't drag you into his messy nest. Let the WS and OW take the fall instead.

If you help him out it will only stall his recovery. This is the time for you to pray for a clear mind, calm heart and lots of patience. The WS will want you to make decisions out of fear. Do NOT do that.

take care,
L.

What a cruel man to be telling such things to a 4 year old? I DONT KNOW EXACTLY WHY HE TELLS HER THAT. I THINK IT IS SOMETHING TO APPEASE HER AND HER STOP ASKING HIM TO COME HOME.

As for his telling you, it is because he is scared....he s/b. I AGREE, I THINK HE IS SCARED OF THE UNKNOWN, I REALLY FEEL THAT HE IS SCARED TO JUST DROP HER AND COME HOME, AND SEE HOW THINGS GO....

The A has taken an ugly turn. You must STAY OUT of their path and let them (WS and OP) kill the A. The spell of the A will be their own destruction. I have seen it many times. SHE I KNOW HAS BEEN LOVEBUSTING, LEFT AND RIGHT, AND THERE IS NOT A DOUBT IN MY MIND THAT SHE IS THE WAY THE exHUBBY GOT THE FINANCIAL INFO, BECAUSE SHE WASNT HAPPY ABOUT MY WH COMING OVER WITHOUT HER, AND SHE TALKS TO HER exHUBBY ALOT ON THE PHONE, (SHE DOESNT LET PPL KNOW THIS) CAUSE SHE ACCUSES HIM OF HARRASSING HER AND THREATING HER, BUT SHE CALLS HIM WHEN THERE IS TROUBLE... AND THEN WHEN SOMEONE ELSE APPROACHES THE exHUBBY ABOUT THE INFO HE IS SAYING, SHE SAYS OH HE DID THIS OR THAT, AND THEY ALWAYS BELIEVE THE INNOCENT LIL GIRL. VS. THE exHUBBY... CAUSE WHY WOULD THEIR "LOVER" LIE TO THEM.....

You and your Dd be safe and for now, don't respond. He says he may end up in jail because he knows he isn't making proper decisions. Make sure he doesn't drag you into his messy nest. Let the WS and OW take the fall instead. THINK HE WAS WANTING ME TO TELL HIM I WOULD COME GET HIM OUT, CAUSE I KNOW MONEY IS RUNNING LOW THERE AND THEY WOULDNT HAVE THE MONEY TO GET OUT..... AND ALSO, MY DAD WORKS FOR THE LOCAL SHERIFFS DEPT, SO WE HAVE A BIT OF PULL, <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

If you help him out it will only stall his recovery. This is the time for you to pray for a clear mind, calm heart and lots of patience. The WS will want you to make decisions out of fear. Do NOT do that.

THANKS FOR THE REPLY AND ADVICE... IT IS MUCH APPRECIATED... I AM OFF TO GET SOME GROCERIES AND SPEND SOME TIME WITH DD, I WILL BE OFF AND ON TONIGHT.....

he texted me today, wanting to know if i could loan him some money, like 700.00. i just kinda said well u got into the situation, and you have spent a HUGE amount of money, since you left here, i CANT DO IT.... YAHHH for me.... LOL

but i feel bad about it, if it werent for THEIR bills it might be different BUT i know it is for their day to day bills, her car payment, and ins, and elec, rent, things of that nature...
DID I DO THE RIGHT THING???? PLEASE TELL ME YES AND IT WASNT A LBer!

cowgirl

the A will only end when it faces reality. They are living in a fantasy land where theris nothing but "love" no money? no worries....it will all work out because we are "in love"

he doesn't have money to pay his bills? well, get the money from the OW because they are HER bills with you, not mine

that's reality

you just don't have extra money to lend to him because you are responsible for you and your daughter because he left

that's reality

BUT you don't say those things in that way....because you're in plan A, you find a nice way to get the message across

you might say "i'm sorry but i don't have any extra money to lend you. i'm trying to keep ahead of the bills myself right now."

or something like that

from Dr. Harley
"the most common Love Busters in marriage fall into five categories: Selfish Demands, Disrespectful Judgments, Angry Outbursts, Annoying Habits, Independent Behavior and Dishonesty "

I don't see that what you said to your H falls into any of these categoried do you?

ok, not much of an update, he called and yelled and scremed and threatened me about this or that being took out of the paperwork, his lawyer has STILL 'supposedly' not go tthe paperwork yet that was mailed to them on 20th.... but he did call back at 6 and told me he was sorry, he found out that i was actually telling him the truth and that I wasnt the one that told her ex hubby the info, and blah blah.... he called and was civil when he told DD Gn. they have been love busting since friday that I know of.... things arent so peachy in paradise....lol


really think they are both seeing the light and it isnt going the way they want it to....

well, he called and told me that his lawyer got the paperwork and he goes on friday to OK the changes, only thing he is taking out is spousal support and that is acceptable to me IF he leaves everything else the same!!!!

cause that means i have 280 days a year and he has 85.... so that is ok with me, and i know he isnt going to stick to that schedule, he will get tired of it too soon and slowly stop coming around as much if at all........

paradise is getting rained on. she is talking to her ex hubby multiple times a night while my WH is at work and telling him that she is going to leave my WH as soon as the paperwork is signed, she isnt going to let him spend time with our DD without her around, and to my WH that isnt acceptable until our DD is comfortable with OW.......

we are having a pretty decent convo on the phone tonight, i have to call him back he had a prob arise at work..... nothing else really going on.....

that's good news cowgirl

maybe "fantasy land" isn't enough anymore

thanks for the encouragement!!! it is really appreciated. some days i really feel LOW and just want to severe all ties with him, and then nights like last night when we were talking and joking on the phone i want to go over and just slap some sense into the OW! i know it wouldnt help anything. this is the weekend that they are free, SOOO im sure i wont get anymore calls like last night til next week at least. i really believe that OW is secretly talking to her ex hubby. direct wuote from my WH " he is calling me and telling me info about mine and her finances that only me and her know, and you know a lil bit of, but not what he is calling and gripeing at me about" and i said well then u kinda answered your own question then didnt ya? he has a keylogger installed on his computer there, and every 3 days i think it is a report of all emails and conversations from messenger are emailed to him at a "secret" addy.... that shows he doesnt trust her!
the more him and i argue, it makes him and OW argue, the more OW and her ex hubby argue it makes Wh and OW argue....
i think this is really about to implode on itself, and im afraid i will make the wrong decision if and when he comes back to me.....

he is going to his lawyer today to OK the changes that are in the paperwork, and i should get mine next week, from my lawyer......

maybe this weekend will be an AWFUL weekend with them and we will NOT have to sign anything! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/ooo.gif" alt="" />

off to town to get some things that i need......


check in later

he called to say good night while we were out eating. thats bout all he said tonight, he was out on the town since they had dropped her kids off today. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

didnt get a good night call tonight......