It has been a year since my WH moved out, and while I read a lot on this site, its been just to painful to post. Today is the anniversary of when he left, and I thought maybe that what I have been through would be of use to others.
I wont even begin to describe how hard the last year has been. Since we had no children together there has been little or no contact. He signed the divorce papers in a moment of clarity, when his drug use began to scare him and he realized what we were loosing. I guess if he had not gone back to using I might have given him another chance then, but he disappeared before I had the chance. I have learned to push myself, to go out with friends, and to start my life over without him. Most of the time, it has been satisfying but it does get lonely at times. It is these times that I think of him, and miss him. I think what I miss most is the companionship, the easy going exchange between two people who know each other well and share a history together.
He called last week, after 4 months of nothing and no matter how I try, I don't think I will ever get past what has happened between us. I am no longer angry, no longer hurt, and am mostly just numb. I loved this man more than I ever dreamed possible and yet looking at him now is like looking at a stranger. He says he is sorry, shows all the right remorseful emotions, but I no longer trust what I see in him, If I let him back into my life, it will be the restart of my old life, and the new one holds so much more promise. I am sad for him, I regret the ending of our dream and all the mistakes I made. I'm sorry I wasn't important enough to him to make the effort required for us to stay together but I know that I am more at peace without him and I am a happier person today.
For those of you having trouble moving past where you are, it does get better with time. There are less sad moments today than last year and I hope that all of you can get to a place of peace. I will forever be grateful that this sight was here to help pull me through
