Neu,

Have you ever heard the saying: "the best defense is a good offense" ? That is what you are seeing. She is mad at YOU because SHE cannot handle money properly. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Make sense?? Only if you realize she is blame shifting and you are buying it.

What I haven't heard in your posts is you asking your W if she does love you? if she wants this marriage to continue? What is SHE going to change to make this marriage better? These are not demands, they are questions and if she really cannot or will not answer them, then I think that you should consider Wiftty's advice.

Your income is in the mix, her income is in the mix and $1200 a month from her exH is in the mix. Yep, you could use more money, but this really ought to be doable.

Perhaps she feels she married you under false pretenses: she felt you were making more money than you do right now. I don't know but you guys need help or you need to get out.

I don't agree with the THE DUKE only because she controls whether or not you can be a parent to the children. Their bio father has legal standing as their father, she has legal standing as their mother, but you have to rely on her generosity to be a parent to the children.

Being a step parent is tough stuff, especially when the spouse doesn't support you.

In my mind, this isn't about the kids, it isn't about money, it is about sharing and control. She doesn't want to share and lose total control of the situation.

Talk with her about this.

God Bless,

JL

JL,
I spoke with her again. She has told me that she Loves me. She recommended that we see a marriage counselor.
She said to me again and again "I would have never said that to you" owing you. I'm sure she wouldn't, but she has in some cases compared me with her E-H, which on all bases concerning that is so.........not true! It really hurt on those occassions were she has done that. I have, nor would I ever compare her with my ex.......ever. Which in my opinion is just as bad if not worse than me saying "you owe".
neu
She said she knows I'm not happy, nor is she. She went on further to say that after that statement she doesn't feel like we are a team. Ok, I agree with that, but I said "I would like to be a team again, don't you?" My W replied "I don't know if I can".
I truly believe that GOD placed us together for a reason, what it is yet I have no idea. I spoke with my Reverend about the situation, my W doesn't know that I went to him. My Reverend said he will talk to us after service Sunday to see if he can help. My Reverend will not mention to my W that we spoke prior to the talk we will have God willing Sunday.

<small>[ June 05, 2003, 02:48 PM: Message edited by: neuschwanstein ]</small>

JL,
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">perhaps she feels she married you under false pretenses: she felt you were making more money than you do right now.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The truth is, she did know how much I made before we got married, she knew.

We are scheduled to see a marriage counselor next weekend.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by neuschwanstein:
<strong>she has in some cases compared me with her E-H, which on all bases concerning that is so.........not true! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Au contraire. I am certain it is true. Why? Because he is her EX-husband. Which means, at some point, he told her "no". And she can't handle that. So when you told her she can't have any more money, you were doing the same thing her ex-H did. Trying to set boundaries.

Doesn't matter if your boundaries are reasonable. Doesn't matter if she is irresponsible. Doesn't matter if her needs are ridiculous. Or what the negative consequences would be if you gave in to her. She doesn't care.

All she cares about is that you give her whatever she wants. Her ex-H failed at that. So he is now out of the picture. To her it feels like you are acting the same way he did (no longer being a doormat). Hopefully she will realize this time that SHE is the problem. No guarantee she will. But for sure it is bad news if you don't set any boundaries. So go ahead and do it.

She went on further to say that after that statement she doesn't feel like we are a team. Ok, I agree with that, but I said "I would like to be a team again, don't you?" My W replied "I don't know if I can".

Be very careful here. I think the two of you have VERY different ideas of what it means to be on the same team.

To you it means working together. Joint sacrifices. Compromise. Teamwork. Maybe POJA.

To her, it means you do whatever she says and give her whatever she asks for.

So I am wondering, why do YOU think that you guys were ever on the same team? I don't. Not in terms of the definition you (and I, and most people here) would use. When did she compromise or sacrifice for YOUR benefit?

I am all for the two of you becoming teammates. If she is willing to join your team on your terms. Compromise. Work together to fulfill both of your needs. But if she wants you to join her team, so that you can go back to being her slave, then I say you are better off joining the opposing team. Or quitting the game. Because I wouldn't want to play ball with such a spoilsport.

neuschwanstein:

--The truth is that I have talked to talk. I really mean talked to her. I explained over and over and over again where my finanices were going.

TR- Please re-read what this says..It is all about your and your finances, when you get married..even with kids..you become partners at least you should..even in the financial area..

I would suggest as all the others have said...Get a budget set up..

If you have to..contact your bank and see if they offer financial counseling...if not..see if a local church around you offers the Crown Financial Seminar..either way..Make PLANS FOR BOTH of You to go..

Sit down with your wife on a weekly or monthly basis whenever the money comes in..have all the bills (even those outstanding) and write down on a calender when they are due..then sit down together and pay those that are due then..

Say..okay this is what we have coming in..and this is what we owe out..what needs to be paid NOW, what can be put off till next payday?

we have X amount to spend on groceries..lets look see what we need, and then look through the sale ads and see who has the best sales..make a list of what is needed..then go shopping together..
(and make sure you EAT before you go--so that you don't go over budget)

holdingontoit,
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> So I am wondering, why do YOU think you guys were ever on the same team? I don't. Not in terms of the definition you (and I, and most people here) would see. When did she compromise or sacrifice for YOUR benefit? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">GOOD QUESTION..........To tell you the truth, to the best of my memory, she never has sacrificed for my benefit.

I have sacrificed so much I'm just about dead. I sold music instruments and equipment that I worked very hard for. I sold them to have some extra money to make her happy!!! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />
Kinda sucks to be me.
neu

She sounds like a "user" to me. Many people out there like that if you let them. Quit letting yourself be used, man.

neu,

you have to start asking "why" questions when she makes a statement such as "I don't think i can" as an answer to the teamwork question. . .

If she won't give you one, that in itself is a RED FLAG. . . go read the book, "If the Buddha Married", by Charlotte Kasl

also, read the book, "If the Buddha Dated" same author. . . gives examples of RED FLAGS to avoid. I suggest that you are nieve in the ways of manipulation, (as I was) basically, you are a nice guy, and the manipulation is bery subtle, and you are not standing back, and standing up for yourself and what you believe.

I suspect that you have never had good relationship values, and comprehension. . . so that you figure out what is going on. . . it took me quite a while, a very long time. . . because there the emotional stuff is subtle, not direct, and often done with a smile. . .

in other words, she doesn't talk the walk or walk the talk. . . she just wants what she feels right now, and you are responsible for it. . . probably you both have the same MO from prior marriages, because you didn't spend thetime to work on yourself and understand yourself and relationships. . . in other words, you didn't date enough people, ask enough questions, and learn to figure out who is honest and who is full of crap.

basically, you need to get your W to agree with POJA, and that is for EVERYTHING. . . finances, children, enjoyment, domestic support, and you don't do anything until you both agree, including who does dinner, and who gets the kids to bed. . .

wiftty

WhenIfindthetime,
I never thought about asking "Why"! When the discussion comes up again, and IT WILL, I will ask the "Why".
neu

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by neuschwanstein:
<strong>Kinda sucks to be me.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No! Wrong! Bad dog! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

You got it exactly backwards. It does not suck to be you. If it did, she wouldn't have married you. Because selfish golddiggers can sniff out losers a mile away. They only latch onto someone with enough juices inside to make sucking them dry worthwhile. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

On the other hand, it DOES suck to be her husband. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

So the question facing you is, if she won't change, how long to you want to continue to wear the hat with the puppy poop on it? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

hey, Holding On To It,

you have come a long, long way, and you should be proud of the progress you have made!!!

you are a great poster here, keep up the great posts! i hate to be the only hard a$$ around here, and to see it from more than one poster, means that there is definately some truth to the concepts MB's preaches.

wiftty