If I thought my separated wife was cheating on me, and if she was out of town and I had the keys to her apartment, I might go there and install a keylogger on her computer. They have the type that will email reports to you. That will trap email and web passwords as well as IM traffic. I'd also have a password recovery program in case her computer is password protected.

Of course, I'd never suggest that anyone else do such a thing. The evidence gathered may not be admissible in court and may even be of questionable legality. I'm only saying what I would do if it was me.

I also might collect some of her underwear out of the dirty clothes hamper and send them to Checkmate, and have them analyzed for semen traces. Again, that's just me.

You might say "Hi, welcome back. Would you like to go get a cup of coffee and tell me all about your trip?"

Great Ideas BB, but he doesn't have to send the underwear off. Steal a pair or two, and order the test kit through the mail.

Alright, here's the skinny from my perspective. Oh, how I know it so well. Week 7 of my separation for me, my case sounds a bit worse.

My opinion: Your wife is having is an EA with OM, and maybe worse. It WILL get worse if you don't get busy. Marriage is a full time job, saving one requires overtime.

Follow the advice about spying. Spy, spy, spy and make no mention of it to anyone: Your w, friends, etc.

QUIT telling her she is cheating on you. Drop it and she may lower her guard.

Confront him with what you do know, not what you speculate. (The OM). Ask him to back off! She'll be pissed, but oh well. Don't be irrational with either, don't lose your cool.

Until you are ready to confront OM, wait and get your head in check. Make sure you do it calmly, cooly, and ask him to back off your wife as it's complicating matters. Give little details at this point, keep it short and sweet, and let him know that you love your wife.

Get hot on your Plan A all the while. No clinginess, no moping around, no crying, no excessive phone calls, it's all about getting yourself straight and not pushing her further away.

Thx.

As far as confronting the OM, is it ok to leave a voice mail? I don't want to show up at their work as that would be too obvious. I have no idea where he lives. And I know he will not answer his phone to talk to me.

When I talk to her tonight, should I apologize for my accusations? We had built up a lot of conversation time as of lately and I did notice they were talking less and less over the phone but that may all be ruined with the accusations last night. Should I share my feelings with her?

Can/should I read the story about Sue, Jon, and Greg in "Surviving an Affair?" I thought it was a perfect example.

No VM. That would give OM time to come up with a "good" responce. Don't forewarn him this way. If he won't talk over the phone then it needs to be face to face. If you have his phone# then look up his address.

Don't apologize just don't talk about it right now. Be up beat, good mood and strong sounding. Hard to do, but it can be done.

All it took for me to get proof of a PA was confronting OM and telling him that my WW told me what was going on. He then spilled the beans about everything that happened. He then told me it was over between me and my WW and that she was just keeping it from me to avoid hurting me. He was unbelievably unapologetic. OM might not have a reason to keep the A from you, and may be getting tired that your WW is running around in secret when he wants her to just leave you.

jrlex,
Welcolm to the MB forums, I'm so sorry that you have to find yourself in the "club" that nobody wants to to belong to, but it is a safe plae for you.
Usually aroung here, we say trust your gut. If you feel there is something going on, you are probabley right. Sad to say, but that is indeed, probably the real truth.
The Question now becomes, what do you want to do about it?
Have you read about plan A and B? That is what this site is all about. Dr H has plans that can help you recover and heal your M. But that is a choice you have to make. What is it you want to do at this point? You could chooose to leave this M at this point, but that would be your choice, and no one will fault you for that. It is truly your choice!

On the other hand, if you want to salvage this M, you have come to right place. read all of the stuff on the main pages of this site. Read the Q and A pages here where Dr. h addresses these things.

From what you have presented here, it would most definitely seem that your W is having an A. Sorry to say this, but all the classic signs are there.
Because many of us here are BS's, we know the signs.

Ihope and wish for you, all the best, stay strong and begin reading.

All blessings,
Jerry

Yeah, she's not very happy. She called to let me know her flight was delayed. Said she didn't feel like hanging around when she got back and that she just wanted to go home and go to bed. I said I wanted her to stay a few minutes and imediately she said she's not interested in the Valentines thing. That hurt. I asked if it had to do with yesterday and she just said she's just not into it. She's definately not in a very good mood.

I guess I screwed up again last night. I seem to have a knack for shooting myself in the foot. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

jrlex-

I just bumped a thread up that you ought to read, called "Spying 101". Here's the link to it in case you don't see it:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...ID=#Post3188026

Take a look at that...there are lots of good ideas on how to spy to get the info you're looking for. If you have any questions on ways to track things down, go ahead and put them in your thread and lets see what we can do to help you figure out a plan.

In the meantime, have you considered backing off from your wife and letting her come to you? Start doing things for yourself...that makes you a more attractive person, and is a definite part of plan A.

This morning I went over to her place while she was at work and noticed she has a brand new package of birth control pills in her bathroom. We've been off birth control since 2003. Since we're definately not having sex, why would she need them?

*side note: This particular pill did totally clear up her acne and when she got off the pill her acne came back. She had considered getting back on it just to clear her acne since nothing else works. One could almost believe this would be reason enough to get back on it. I still don't trust it with everything else going on.

She's obviously having sex with OM, it's not for acne. Sorry, but you need to bust up her A.

How hard would it be to hide a voice-operated, digital recorder in her apt. the next time you're in there?

How much proof do you need? The number 4 is proof of 2+2. You want proof because you're avoiding reality. You don't want to believe that she's doing this..neither would I, I don't blame you .. You could walk in on them both holding each other..and you still wouldn't want to believe it..but you've got to read the writing on the wall man .. and face reality.

Look at the signs .. and add them up.. it's proof enough.

1. The fact that she's moved out and into an apartment .. How does a woman have an intimate relationship with another man under the same roof as her husband..i.e. "I need space.." .. or so she may have said..this equates to "I need space to be with other man.." and thus she has it now..the space necessary to continue..this is classic evidence ..

2. The fact that you saw the other man pulling away from her apartment after they were "Studying.." Get real with yourself on this one..

3. The fact that she's taking Birth Control pills..and didn't before..she's not giving YOU any SF right? Sorry, but the acne excuse is just lame. They make creams and lotions for that.

I could go on and on..you don't need hardcore proof. You don't need her to look you in the eye and tell you she's in love with another man..and wants to be with him. You don't need to walk in on them...

Get a grip and put your emotions in check..don't let your emotions control your actions..or rather..inaction. It's time for action..for footwork.. If you want to win this battle you need to follow the advice given here..and do it quickly, and with firm resolve. Don't lay idle languishing in doubt and regret..and disbelief. It's easy to stay in that mode..but you're going to lose if you don't accept this for what it is.

So what exactly should my next move be? I was planning on confronting the OM this weekend.

Should I just continue with plan A putting my best foot forward not giving her any hint of what I know or any reason to hate me? Or do I move to plan B and tell their boss what I know and tell her when she's ready to talk to call me?

I'm so lost, even with the book.

Where are we at with exposure?

Who, in this womans life, has INFLUENCE and emotional muscle over this women? What people .. what persons..in your wifes life ..would find this behavior distasteful and appalling?

Write down all the names..
Find their addresses..
Write an exposure letter..(You need to read up on that here)
Mail them..
Don't wait..
EXPECT her wrath days later..
Go!

LONOGHORN,

I am reading your thread on a strategic plan.

I am beginning to understand.

Thanks!

I don't know if I have enough evidence to persuade her family or her workplace. When I do that's when I will expose to God and all.

I began Plan A. I'm trying to can all LB's and man is it hard when you feel something is going on. I keep telling myself just to let her be but I keep finding myself worried that she's going out with the OM. I just want to bust the affair wide open! She was gone from her place all afternoon up until at least midnight. Have no idea what she was up to. I'll ask her what she did last night but I'm not expecting much info.

Other than that I may get desperate enough to hire a P.I. Not sure I can afford that but we'll see what I can get first.

We had a heart-to-heart the other night. (EDIT) She's either not at that point yet or she is a woman without a conscious. I'm sure everyone will pick the later.

My task continues...