hi, long time lurker here who posted for awhile. if anyone has any experience with plan b even though nc has been established and "recovery" has been ongoing for along time, one year?

fwh cannot do the work necessary to heal from the affari and building a stroger marriage. i dont think he really wants a divorce but just cant seem to do what it takes and a lot of anger and frusatation is building inside of me. i plan a'd for along time and thihngs kind of went back to how they were before his affair. and i cant go back there because it isnt good enough for me, i want more.

i'm afraid to give to much information because he used to read here along time ago and he still might, i dont know for sure. we have kids and have been married for along time, almost 15 years.

i dont know where to start but i know that i am losing love for him everyday because of his stubbornness and resistance. i cry all the time and it changes nothing, he wont read here or ask what i need at all. he's not mean to me, hes loving in his own way. its just not enough and i know he has more to give because it gave it all to me along time ago, when we were dating and our first few years of marriage.

any advice?

It doesn't sound like you guys had a good Plan for recovery. It sounds like the false recovery that WH and I had last year. You need a Plan!

Calling the Harleys TOGETHER may be better right now. I wouldn't suggest running to Plan B without trying a plan for recovery. You are tiptoeing around the problem.

Are you actively telling him what it takes, is he telling you? Are you talking AT ALL? Many questions will have to ben answered in order for us to help, you know this...

If you really want to fall in love again, then you both need to choose to, not just you. Have you told him that you want to feel the love you felt when you FELL in love? Do YOU understand what that will take. You can, if you call the Harleys and you BOTH get on board.

I don't know your sitch, so I can only tell you what I'm hearing. You guys don't sound like you are on the road to recovery, you sound like False recovery---

SilentLucidity,

Thanks for your post. This does seem like a common problem we run into on the boards.

What happens if the FWS won't get on board, doesn't want to speak to Harley? Sometimes a man to man talk from outside the situation has much more weight than a "wife to man", men are so afraid of manipulation, due to their own relationships with their mothers. Men will call women controlling, because they viewed their mother as having control over them as a child. I believe this is why "rebellion" is a common stage in marriages.

And what of the situation where the wife never defined her boundaries in the years leading up to the infidelity?

When she starts trying to change and enforce her boundaries, isn't he more likely to label it in his own mind at attempts to control (like mommy) and be all the more likely to rebel?

This ends up being a co-dependent situation. Because my own husband has alcoholic tendencies, and has self-medicated with both alcohol and drugs in the past, I resisted co-dependent behavior early on in our marriage, but it took time and detachment, and I don't see how to advise in a crisis of marital infidelity.

Detachment seems to call for Plan B, so I don't know how to reconcile it. Recovery seems to call for Connection, which is in many ways the opposite of detachment.

The real question s/b why would you want to be with someone who isn't willing to put you first ahead of himself? Why would you want to be with a selfish person?

You will find plan B to be more of a relief than living in the misery he is holding you hostage in.

Please read love must be tough by Dobson.

Learn that plan B is for your survival and protection. Learn not to be afraid of plan B.

L.