Prob no one will even read this but it helps me to write... I jsut emailed my H. The more I read on this site, the more I see that I have really not been myself. I think that maybe I may have allowed what I felt for the OM to "color" my perceptions a bit. I know, you seasoned members are laughing at me...

Anyway, I have been thinking about what it was about my H that made me want to marry him. I have been thinking about times we helped each other through difficulty. I have been thinking about how radically becoming a mom changed me - how I was seriously messed up right after she was born. I have been thinking that maybe my absolute terror over my life being "over" - thinking that everything I had ever wanted to do or dreamed of doing was up i nsmoke because now I was a (boring, un-sexual, tied to the house, fat) mommy, might have had a little bit to do with what happened. I have been thinking that maybe, if I had talked to my H about feeling like an ungly, poor, inept, piece of poo after our D was born, maybe he could have ehlped - maybe together we would have seen that me not working was only going to exacerbate that feeling. Maybe if I hadn't been so controlling and crazy when she was a baby, maybe he wouldn;t have behaved like he had been castrated. Maybe, just maybe this OM is not all that.

He has cheated on his W since before they were married. He "cheated" on me at the end of the first year of our relationship. And, at the end of the day, he picked someone other than me. And my H - wow, he stayed - for THREE YEARS after he found out about the A. 3 years! And the only reason he left was because he found out (again) that the OM was still in my life (friends @ work). He gave me every chance to prove to him that HE was the one I wanted and I did not.

So - I may end up alone, and I will agree with everyone that would be fitting. At the very least, I will have spent some time figuring myself out.

{{{{{Bossy}}}}

Good for you....it's a step in the right direction.

There is still hope!

who filed the divorce, and how long has he been dating this other woman?

Techie - I filed, because he asked me to - actually, I dragged my feet for a long time and finally the GF was pressuring so he asked me to move it along. He left last April, started seeing her right away, broke up with her last week, but then she called "wanting him back" so she's here again this weekend. D is supposed to be final next month.

... here's something funny. I am sick sick sick today - couldn't go to work - and my H is bringing our daughter home in a bit and so I take my snotty, red-puffy eyed, self upstairs to try & fix myself a little before they get here, because seriously, how on EARTH is he supposed to be interested in reconicling with a lying cheating woman who ALSO looks like death warmed over??!!

Techie - yep I got dumped, and even if that's the reason why I'm FINALLY looking at myself and my behavior and trying to make some ammends, does it really matter what the original motivation is?

Wow. almost a full year.
Wonder why he broke up with her.
wonder if he actually did.

sounds like he's in revenge affair mode... MAYBE he realized that and wanted to get out of it. 'cause now he's faced with actually making it "real", with the impending freedom of divorce, and he suddenly realized she wasnt a comfortable fit for his idea of a real, lifetime relationship.

That would definitely be a huge plus for you.

He said he was ending it because she has some very bad thoguhts about his involvement with me and our daughter (he can't talk to me on the phone when she is there, etc). He did tell her it wasn't going to work, she left, then he was alone for ONE DAY and one night and she called and said she wanted to get back together and there you have it. She said she "loves" him... blah, blah, blah.

Which is why it is NO GOOD for me to be ugly and sick today! AND he works @ a casino, so there is no shortage of hot women asking him out. I have got my work cut out for me I think - I guess as it should be!

Bossy,
I am glad you are here. If you are sincerely seeking to change YOU and try to save your marriage, you are most definitely in the right place.

I stumbled upon the MB board last summer when I was thinking of doing something foolish. Fortunately, I was stopped dead in my tracks when I got here. Read through some stories. Got His Needs, Her Needs. Started concentrating on my marriage.

Our stories...yours and mine...are similar. I was looking for something (someone) to fulfill me for all the reasons you listed. And, like you, I was disrespectful about my husband and didn't think he could meet any of my EN's.

I was wincing when I was reading through your posts. I saw a lot of myself. But I have come a long way and so has my marriage.

I suggest you read through this site and get the book His Needs, Her Needs. It's good stuff. Really.

Hope you stick around. I'd love to talk to you more about this.

I suggest you stick with one thread that has your original story on it so that it will be easier to follow and to keep the continuity and thus get more consistent help. That one thread can become your journal/blog as you go through your journey exploring a possible reconcilitation.

First - sticking to a thread... I'm always joking with my friends in grad school about how I am "old" and don't get all this email/chat room/discussion board stuff! I'll keep to this thread. BLOG - I LOVE that we live in a world where we can come up with words to say, "I'm writing in my diary for the whole world to see!"

Anyway... so I invited H to have coffee with his sick coughing sneezing formerly lying cheating spouse and he did! We had a really nice talk, and poor guy he is totally confused... but I think he is considering at least talking to someone at our church.

He is torn - he says he has feelings for the GF, says he just doesn't know how he can get past the pain... and he is guarded with anyone, afraid to let anyone, including me, have the chance to get close enough to hurt him again. Sucks to be the one who made him into THAT!
But, we talked, and I said some things her needed to hear - about remorse and knowing the A was wrong and all of that. Can I just say, God is scary huge, because I am in a totally different place today than I was yesterday - seriously. And once today, when OM popped into my head, I texted H instead!


On His Needs/Her Needs - I read the book a year or so ago - and just totally rebelled because I don't "fit". I have read where Harley suggests it is not uncommon for the lists to not fit each couple and you have to look at things on a case-by-case basis, but I really struggle with books that say "women need x" - because I don't! I think someone earlier suggested my anti-affection thing was an intimacy issue... maybe somehting to consider... but isn't it possible, that like most MEN, I just am not wired to be that affectionate? Isn't it possible that I am not wired to want all the gooey emotional stuff? Why does that have to be indicative of intimacy issues? I LOVE snuggling with my kid - and hugging and kissing on her and telling her how much I love her... but she is a kid! When it's a grownup I struggle to understand why someone NEEDS that stuff! But, I guess I need to start learning.

Your divorce is to be final in weeks. Your H has moved on and found another woman in his life... and YOU are so sure that she is because he can't be alone. Perhaps the woman is caring and kind and makes him feel more of a man. And afterall, after being with you and based on the things you say about his maniliness, I would imagine that would be important to him right now.
I would say that again, based solely on your attitude and not the fact that you had an affair that your H would be a fool to let you weasal your way back into his life. You seem to want what you can't have and frankly dear, it is not his problem that you got dumped! You got dumped and all of a sudden you are interested in maybe being a wife again. As Harley says in his literature here, imagine how hurt he would be that you want him back only because your boy toy dumped you. Here's a question for you... where would you be right now if you weren't dumped... would you be looking to work on your marriage or still seeking to destroy another one? Your husband has been gone for a year... and NOW that you were dumped you want him back!!!!!!!!!! Entitled, selfish and downright immature. Your H would be so much better off NEVER taking you back. And frankly you would show yourself to be a better person by letting him go. To do otherwise is just your way of harming him again.
And I certainly hope that you plan on exposing this affair to your OM wife... you know the woman that you hurt... but something tells me you won't do that because that would ruin your little fantasy about maybe getting back together with him.

If you chose to stay with this thread then for future reference, please put a link in your signature line to your 1st thread so that it's easier for others who may want to respond to you to know your background and you don't have to repeat your original story over and over again.

You are able to update your title periodically, as far as I know.

ACTUALLY mk - the OM wife DOES know - the whole deal, and yes I DID get dumped and yes it sucks that it took that for me to wake the he** up - but at this point, does it really matter? I GET that he is moving on and there may be no chance - fine. He has a right - but I have to try because I never really have - I owe that to him, to our daughter, and to myself.

I have been struggling to get out of the other relationship for years - and as you are obviously the BS who was clearly hurt very much, I cna not expect, nor would I ever ask you to understand that, but I am not some wishy-washy kid who goes out looking for unattainable men. I had an affair. It was a mistake. I hurt people. I am deeply sorry and remorseful. I am TRYING to do the right thing. I am trying to fix myself - thus putting myself out there for vindictful others like yourselves to hurl verbal insults. But I am learning things every day (not from you necessarily) and doing everything I know to try and heal and recover and make ammends.

Second - I do not have any fantasy about getting back together with the OM. I have in the past, that is for sure. But I am not there anymore. I did hurt the OM's wife - absolutely. And I am so sorry for her pain. I am hopeful he will confess to her the depth and extent of his cheating, because I am certainly not the first - although she thinks I am. I wake up every morning and pray that God will heal their marriage.

Finally - I would like to reconcile with my husband because I think it would be the best thing for my family and I think it is God's will. And, I love him. And in this particular case, I strongly believe the phrase, "Better late than never" applies.

MK - I truly hope that you are able to find your way out of the bitterness you feel - because it will eat you alive. I wish you the best in your journey.

Bossy:

Get ready to DUCK!

Here come the 2x4's from MEDC. Or he might ignore you. He has said his piece.

Can't say I do not agree with most of it.

But, you are here. You are looking for help.

If you are sincere, we will know soon enough.

When I read your first thread, and your follow-ups, I percieve that you are really driven. Driven to succeed.

Many Men have this trait. At least the more naked pursuit of it trait.

Nothing wrong with that.

But you picked up and maybe married the wrong guy. And married him young.

Nothing wrong with that.

You say you do not fit into the Harley EN's neatly.

Nothing wrong with that. Harley states that generally Women are like this, and Men like that. The keyword is generally.

So.

Are you driven to fix your Marriage? To right the wrongs and really give it a chance?

Or:

Are you driven to do this, because it is what you think you should be doing?

Because they are totally different goals.

And your goals better be in alignment, Because the hurt just starts to magnify itself, if not. Your Husband and your daughter will suffer from this.

So far, you have taken a heap of 2/4's. And keep coming back. I hope it isn't because your not feeling well today and have the time. I hope it is because you are really thinking about the mess you have and how to start straightening it out.

Stay around. We'll be here to help.

LG

[color:"purple"] 2 things [/color]

[color:"green"]1. thanks for my latest tag line ... it's swell [/color]

[color:"blue"]2. Here is my thought about you in particular: what is loveable about you? ... you seem fairly self-loathing (but it is masked as disrespect for your husband) ... I think that list of your husband's faults was mostly self-loathing gone awry [/color]

[color:"orange"]welcome to the funny farm [/color]

Pep

Well, I have been here more today because I haven't been at work! I SHOULD be writing a paper...
Driven - let's see, I work full-time, I'm in grad school, yeah, I'm pretty driven.

As to your other question - is it fair to say I don't know?
I THINK I am driven to repair my marriage, to right the wrongs - but I know there is a part that is about it being the "right" thing. Is it ok to say that I'm so horribly confused I don't know which way is up? I swear, I feel like I have been walking around in a cloud and all of a sudden I see things... he was sitting across from me in a chair tonight H, and I thought to myself - when did I stop thinking he was attractive?

At the same time, your comments about driven & maybe I picked up the wrong guy - he really dislikes my business side. He LOVED having me home all the time... I don't know. I changed a lot of things about myself to make him happy - or rather to avoid the drama of him curling up inside himself in the face of my disappointment - so I jsut stopped being disappointed, at least on the outside. Big mistake, I know.

The 2x4s are no fun - but when you've been living with the pigs you've got to expect to get some sh**! (that's a very ungodly ref. to Prodigal Son, Luke 15:11)

I am glad to offer a bit of humor - you are welcome. Actually, my pastor said that in church yesterday LOL!

I'm confused.... because I don't really have a hard time saying what I THINK others find loveable about me. I am loathing myself right NOW because I'm seeing what an idiot I have been, but generally speaking I have a fairly high degree of self esteem... I think.
Can you explain what you meant by the lsit of H faults seems like a list of self-loathing... cause I'd like to explore this...

I MUST WRITE MY PAPER... UUUGHGH!

Trix - I don't know how to do the link to your signature line thing or whatever it was you said I should do! I'm sorry, I'm a discussion forum virgin!

bossy hunny

affairs are nothing but self loathing put into action

your listing of the top 100 (alleged) ways your H is unfit to be your husband ... was really just a distraction ... keeping the self loathing wolf from the door of your consciousness <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

but you're new... I'll back off until the Nyquil takes effect <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

bossy I want to say thank you as a FWS and a BS its nice to see that people come around. I think your insight to your situation as well as the people here gving you advice will make a lot of things work for you