There was contact tonight.
Somehow D4B got wind of the fact that I am talking to H about reconciliation, and he (D4B) called tonight. He is out of town on business. And I didn't recognize the number. And he was being jealous and stupid... and I haven't even heard his voice in a month - more.

And it sucked. I asked him not to call me anymore, I asked him to respect that I am trying to heal myself and my marriage.

And still, it sucked. Still does. I'm going to bed. This is the worst POS ever.

LS,

Hang in there. This thing has a long way to go for it to play out. And as you grow and learn, you will see new opportunities open up to you.

God Bless,

JL

lost

i'm sorry that he put his selfish feelings above yours

are you okay?

come here if you need support to deal with any feelings that his contact might stir up

honestly, i can't help much with this situation

but if you change the title of your thread to indicate that you are the FWS and the OP contacted you, i know the wonderful people here will come running to help

the only thing that i can think of to say is try to remember anything bad about him that you can!

bad habits? lies? things he said or did that made you feel bad?

and then, think about your H and the good things that helped you to decide to try to save your marraige. go back and read your posts when you changed your thinkig and realized that he was worth the fight.

hang in there lost

you have seen the light at the end of the tunnel.....don't let him turn it off so you really are lost again

((lost))

let us know how you are doing this morning lost.

we're here for you

Send him a certified letter to his house and let him know that if he ever tries to contact you again that you will call the police. I assume your D4B is the OM.. right?
You cannot let him have access to you and he needs to know that there will be repercussions for any attempt at contact. NC is a must... both for your integrity and for any chance you have of re gaining your BH's trust.

You are doing very well. Don't read too much into H's inability to get together yesterday. Realize that right now he does not owe you anything and he a relationship with his GF. I would venture a guess that based on your new changes and wonderful attitude that will change in the future.

So, except for dealing with the OM in an agressive manner, I would suggest that you stay your course.

MEDC

Vulnerable is the only word I have for how I feel today.

I told OM that if he contacted me again I would call his W and invite her to a tell-all lunch. And she is so desperate for answers (that he has never given her), she would jump... we were friends once she and I. Anyway. That seemed to be effective.

I feel like I am under assault. It's not just OM. It's like a memo went out to the single male population of this city... I can't go to the gym, school, work, the Punk's school activities in the last week w/o someone hitting on me.

And I don't say that to be arrogant - it's not like that... I just feel like there is a huge sign across my forehead that says, "Vulnerable. Stupid. Poor decision-maker. Tries to cover up her pain with relationships."

Jeez, even @ church last night... is there no where "safe"?

I want to go live in a cave in Greece for a month or six.

Here I am, drowning in my grief and remorse and failure, H throwing me over (appropriately), and it's like I am naked in the street and they are coming out of the woodwork.

Vulnerable is a choice. If you are sensing this everywhere...chances are it is not ALL real....but certainly some of it is.

Have you started your counseling???

So, just be on guard... do not put yourself in any questionable situations. You CAN go to the gym. You CAN do other things. The words "not interested" are pretty simple to say... so just make sure you say them and DO NOT develop any friendships with men right now.

Be sure that new you will never act that way again.

As far as the OM goes...his wife SHOULD know the details and hopefully you have already informed her of the A. HE cannot be trusted to have done so.... because he will have downplayed it big time.

MEDC

This is such a fine statement ... exposing your weakness which is so very common to all of us.

.... just wanted to mention that before I continue reading about the evil OM contact....

Pep

Can I get an amen? She deserves to know the truth so that she can have full information to make informed decisions about her own life. You're living in integrity now, remember?

I liked MEDC's certified letter idea. But you really need to have a heart-to-heart with OMW. Answer all her questions and get it out in the open.

Caves in Greece are likely to be populated by shepherds or hermits, both of whom are going to be of the hot-blooded Mediterranean variety. Thus that would not be a good place to hide either.

You're doing great.

Oh, she knows... When he was planning on leaving, he mentioned that he was considering coming to live with me... and she called me to tell me what a hateful b**** I was.
During the period of time we were we all "friends", she commented more than once how OM and I were like the same person... that sometimes she didn't know why he wasn't with me instead of her. Bad deal.

However, there are many many things she does not know. And the repair of that M is not my problem.

Vulnerable is a choice - really?

Yes, I have started counseling, also have a church friend to "unload" on & stay accountable to, and have been asked to sing on the worship team for our church's Celebrate Recovery program.

I'm doing the best I can over here today. But it is tough. That's just me being honest.

I am in a program that is 90% men... there are group projects, and commuting to the places we are doing in-house work, etc. It is IMPOSSIBLE for me to go all-in on the "no men" thing. But - I am trying to keep everything professional.

And the LAST thing I need is more complications in my life!

regardless of what you told OM ... call his BW ~today~ and tell her her H called you last night.

YOU owe HER that ... you owe OM-POS ~nada~

plus, it will tick OM off and he will NEVER call you back

this happened to us ... OW called my H, my H told me, I called OW'sH ... that mad her mad as the devil, and she "punished" my H by never speaking to him again ... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Pep

Can you please explain to me how my living in integrity means I spill everything to the OMW?

Or rather, do you mean spill everything about the A I had with him, or everything I know about the others?

And what value does that serve? If I tell her everything I know, she will leave or kick him out... which is his problem I know... but why am I responsible for forcing honesty in THEIR R? Aren't I just responsible for honesty in mine?

Plus - she frightens me. Seriously. She is a bit on the unstable and bigger than me side... and she scares me. I can't imagine how I would begin to "offer" a tell-all...

And ok, I will let her know he called. She will likely think I am FOS... that I instigated the contact - b/c I am clearly the problem in their M.
Even though I've oly been around for 4 years and he's been cheating since b4 they were married....

I mean, if she were to ASK - I would tell all and answer all of her questions. But I can't imagine calling her and saying, "Hi OMW, this is OW... would you like to go to lunch with me so I can tell you what a lying POS your H is?"

Seriously??!!!??

OMW deserves the truth, no matter who she hears it from. I might even switch your phone number to prevent him from calling you again. Send him a NC letter. When you change your number, let it slip why you are changing it (because that [censored] won't leave you alone, and trust me, he will LIKE hearing you calling OM that). Are you wearing your ring? If not, put it back on. That is the first thing single men look for, and it is a strong signal to your BH if he sees your wearing it again.

I think you should NOT meet with her in PERSON ...... E V E R

You should call her and tell her that her H called you last night & you told him never to contact you again .... then say, "I will never interfere in your business again." .... stick to that script no matter what she says to you.

Your goal is two-fold

1. To squash any OM desire to call you
2. To put what is happening in their marriage back on their table and off of yours

Pep

Jim,
I did start wearing my ring... and the other day the GF noticed it & so H has asked me not to wear it... so I changed hands.

I have thought about changing my nuber... still thinking. The Punk just learned our number!

Maybe I wear the ring and switch hands when I am encountering GF?

Maybe you should wear it cos it's YOUR ring.

WEAR your wedding ring on your left hand ring finger ... GF/OW requests are not your problem.

When H asks, say: "It fits this hand not the other."

Pep

Who cares if it pisses the GF off? That's what it is supposed to do, remind her that she is dating a married man. You aren't going to win your H back by placating him. You are going to win him over by showing him that you WANT him and you will FIGHT for him. You are married and should wear your wedding ring like it should be worn.

I think that's a mistake not to wear it correctly.
Yes, he may view it as hippocritical or whatever of you at first. But it is an important sign, that you are now once again committed to your marriage.
Plus, like someone else said, it keeps the single (and non-single <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> ) guys from hitting on you.

I might suggest that you wear it as it is supposed to be worn, but explain to your husband first:

"I want to wear my wedding ring(just the plain band, not engagement ring), not as any sign of entitlement on my part.. not as a sign that I deserve anything... but as a sign of my commitment, that I am currently a married woman, and wish to continue to be so. A married woman should wear a wedding band, so I am wearing one".
(hmm.. wording could use some more work. make it your own words)

I dont remember exactly what Steve H. told me when I asked him about mine, but it basically boiled down to, "you're married; you should wear your wedding ring", and that's what he tells everyone who asks him about such matters.

btw: you can ask the phone company to block calls to your phone from certain numbers, I believe.
doesnt stop him calling from a payphone.. but certainly gives the OM a strong message.