I was unfaithful and now he's going to leave me and the kids. I jusrt so much. He says it can never heal and he can never touch me again.

don't be so sure... initial reactions are just that .. reactions.

I am assuming that you are having no more contact with the OM???? Right??? You have exposed to the OM wife??? Right???

Weather the storm and see what happens in a few days. But make sure you are doing everything perfectly as it pertains to HONESTY, NC and EXPOSURE. You have no room for error here.

flybabyamy,

I'm sorry.... it just might be his intial reaction. Right now he is hurting like you would not believe. Keep reading here and learning. Give him time and let him feel for right now.
You are in the right place.

Still

I agree, give it a bit of time as this is just an initial reaction. He is hurting, no doubt, and will need time to heal and think about things. Get to studying on how to get through this!

I know it feels like the end, but it is only the beginning of better things to come. Trust MB


((((hugs to you))))

Give it a few days...let things calm down...YOU can survive this...

My H was just as mad...put yourself in his shoes...wouldn't you be upset...

I've been in both places...I haev faith in YOU...You can get through this!

(((((((FBA))))))))

I will pray for you! You did say that you wanted to work things out?

I told my EX WW on day one of finding out...

1. I am divorcing you
2. I will not see the kids raised by a cheating, homewrecking, serial cheater, twice your age
3. You disgust me

A week later I looked at our children lying side by side and did a 180 and tried to give her a path back to our family and marriage.

In my case she didn't take it and we divorced but I am telling you that the intital reaction to news like this is very typical.

Flybabyamy- these are the things that many many betrayed spouses say.

Really, what do you expect? "Oh, great, darling. Hope all is better now."

When my BH found out- I didnt' confess until confronted- he said the same thing- I'm used goods, a worthless wh*re, I betrayed him and our daughter. And it still comes up, and we're at about the year mark. He called me at work on D-day and said he was going to divorce me, don't bother coming home, I'm going to contact your ex husband and help him get custody of your children...

You need to focus on HIM. How what YOU did made HIM feel. YOU are the bad guy here. It does not matter WHAT he did previously in the marriage, your "solution" was wrong wrong wrong. And believe me, I tried ALL the justifications, and still fall into that trap sometimes.

If you want your marriage, now is the time to BEG for forgiveness. And I mean this in a literal sense. It is not bad to prostrate yourself to your husband and throw yourself on his mercy.

Feelings change and can be transient. He was just thrown the biggest loop in his life, he will have a first knee-jerk reaction. SHOW him your remorse, NO JUSTIFICATIONS, show him love and humility.

I feel for you, it takes me back to my own D-day. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

MrsRob is the beesknees!

Listen to her Amy.

I posted on your other thread before I saw this one.

I stand by everything I said....but I'll go a little further to tell you that by telling your dh, you have done the exact right thing to SAVE yourself and your marriage.

When your husband is ready, we are here for him too.

You will find that us betrayed say hurtful things come DDay...the hurt is so bad, you see...it's so bad and we instinctly want to lash out at the one that CAUSED the hurt.

We're here for you Amy. Many other marriages have survived far worse....and yours can too.

(((Amy and Mr.Amy)))

- Kimmy

flybaby

when i found out about my H's A i called him and said awful things

i not only told him i was going to D him....i threw him out of the house

i was DONE

i told him if he tried to come home i would smash his truck with a baseball bat

he had a police officer escort him home so he could pack some clothes

i told him to leave his wedding ring on the table because he and i weren't married anymore

he did

after much effort on his part, i was ready to attempt to recover our marraige

give it some time

he is hurting in a way you can't even begin to imagine

he may mean what he says, or he may be ready at some point to hear you and yo may be able to show him that you are willing towhat it would take to heal your marriage

fly:

Tell your H about this forum. Tell him that there are people here who know how he feels right now and want 2 help.

-ol' 2long

flybabyamy,

Yes it is over...UNLESS you end your affair. If you do end it I strongly suspect your marriage has a chance to not only survive but rebuilt. However, only spending 10 minutes a day with your H is NOT going to heal the marriage. You having contact with the OM, is not going to heal the marriage.

The tools are here to help you and your H survive this with your marriage intact and probably better than ever. But, it takes time and patience, and in your case it takes time with your H.

So, you have some decisions to make and if you decide you really do want to remain married to your H, you have to take some actions along with those decisions.

Let us know what you decide and the help is available here.

God Bless,

JL

Thank you everyone for your encouraging advice. I sure hope you all are right. I love my H with all that's in me and I'm not ready to see this end. My A meant nothing to me and I have completely severe it. I sure hope he realizes that I'm willing to commit to him . I need this so much. Thank you again!

Don't go away. We can help you over come this and help your H too.

((((((((FBA))))))))

Courage is the opposite of Fear and you demostrated that today...YOU are headed in the right direction...

YOU also have some great Ole timers posting to you...

HAVE faith...the valleys always look deeper when you are in them....

FBA,

Just a comment. You said

I hope you never say this to him. You being "willing" to commit,is like saying I am really out of this marriage,but I "might" consider coming back if everythings is right.

The question is: ARE YOU COMMITTED TO HIM? That is the question he will need the answer to, and I wonder if you really are, of course so does he.

The is much to overcome, and you have no idea of the damage you have done to him AND the marriage. But, this damage can be healed with time, patience and love. It is up to you to decide IF YOU have the ability to give him these things.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

What do I say to him? When can I speak to him again?

What I needed to hear when FWW wanted to move back home after DDay 2 of her VLTA was -

Why?

What is suddenly so different?

And why should I believe you now?

I needed to know she was willing, no determined, to do whatever it takes for as long as it takes.

Then I would at least listen to her.

In other words, be proactive.

Prove it!

With prayers,

FBA,

What do you say to him??? You tell him the truth and you become very transparent in all of your actions.

As for when can you speak to him, you do it as often as you can, but make your actions match your words. If you have really ended it with OM, then send a No Contact letter, but do it by writing it up, and then letting your H read it and have H send it. That way he has control and KNOWS it was sent to the OM.

But, mostly you work on yourself right now. You figure out WHY you did what you did. You figure out how you allowed your boundaries to be crossed. You develop a plan to protect those boundaries, your marriage and your H. You can find the tools for doing this within the articles published here by Harley. I would start with the policy of radical honest, and the policy of joint agreement, POJA. I would then look at Harley's four rules for a good marriage. Very simple, deceptively simple but very powerful. At this point you will start to have an outline of what needs to be done to rebuild this marriage. Then you need to address happiness, and for that you go and read about needs. The articles here are good, but Harley's book His Needs Her Needs is much more thorough. You then do the needs questionaire, and use that to determine each others needs and how you two would like them met.

You may not realize this but one of the things Harley did was a break through in marriage counseling. It was recognized that people have needs, but was not really recognized apparently was the even loving couples did not know what the others needs were, and thus often tried to meet the wrong needs, thus missing the target and leading to marriage difficulties.

You want to make your efforts count, and so will your H as he calms down from the terrible blow he just received.

There is much to do, start to gather your resources and knowledge so that you can put together a plan that will help you both to rebuild this marriage.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

It is my belief that the act of infidelity is not what does the greatest damage to the M. It is the lying / covering up afterward that does the greatest damage, To yourself and your betrayed spouse.

With that said: Here are a few things that can help you and your spouse.

1. You must be totally honest with your spouse about everything
2. You must answer every question that he asks truthfully and fully.
3. You must do everything in your power to prove to him that he is the one that you want to be with.
4. You must prove your love to him ... You must be patient, gentle, compassionate and understanding.
5. You must feel his pain.
6. You must fully understand the devastation that You caused him.
7. You must accept full responsibility for your actions.
8. You must stop all contact with OP and not try to protect them.
9. You must reassure him that it is OK to ask questions.
10. You must reassure him that he will not drive you away by doing the things that are necessary to heal.
11. You must recognize when he's struggling or experiencing a trigger and comfort him.
12. You must be able to tell him how sorry You are and show him.
13. You must re-enforce to him, that he is not responsible.
14. You must put your own feelings of guilt and shame aside and help him heal first.
15. You must reconnect emotionally, mentally, and physically with him and stay connected.
16. You must work on rebuilding trust. No secrets. No privacy.
17. You must be willing to seek counseling.

Here is a list of things that he must do:

1. Give you the necessary time to prove your love and commitment to him.
2. Be open with his feelings.
3. Ask the questions that are important to him.
4. Don't be afraid that he will drive you away while you are trying to heal.
5. Stop blaming himself for your actions. He is in no way responsible for your choice to engage in an affair!
6. He must be able to let you connect with him. (this one takes time)
7. He must continue checking up on you in order to rebuild trust.
8. He must be willing to seek counseling so that he does not get stuck in one of the stages of recovery: such as anger or depression.

These are just a few of the things that I have thought of off the top of my head. With these things in place, then reconciliation can be successful. It is still a long journey, but with baby steps it can be achieved.


Stay Strong!

If you can, encourage your BS to post here. We can help him with this difficult journey!