I am willing to do whatever it takes. The OM is someone I work with so I plan on asking for a transfer as of tomorrow. I feel his pain so deep that it kills me. He is my life. I'm in a very bad place thinking of how life would be without him and my 2 beautiful babies. I'm in the mood to be completely sacrificial here

FBA,

Being totally sacraficial is NOT going to help either. You have to be an adult, and while that means accepting responsibility for your actions, it also means making amends for them as well as meeting your responsibilities.

You do need to end contact with the OM. That is really are requirement for recovering your marriage.

God Bless,

JL

Being sacrificial is kind of what got me here. i've known for a long time that things in my marriage needed to change, but I didn't confront them. I was dishonest with my H of fear of hurting him. In the end, it caused both of us to hurt. I guess that's where the lies started.

Just called H. He says he's putting the house for sale tomorrow. I guess this means it's inevitable??

Nope is does not mean it is inevitable. It means he has lost hope. I would counsel you to talk to his parents and have them suggest that he should not act hastily. He and you can always sell the house, it will sell better in the spring anyway. He can always divorce you. But, what he cannot always do is get the days back he lost, while not talking to you.

You need their help to slow him down. He is hurt and he is hurt deeply. He is has temporarily lost hope, so YOU have to be the beacon of hope. YOU have to take responsibility for what you have done, but more importantly for taking the first steps in trying to save the marriage. As, Dr. Phil says "someone has to step up and be a hero", that would be you right now.

Start seeking assistance. Yes, his parents may well be very disappointed in you, so may your friends, but IF you really want to save this marriage your friends, his parents, his minister needs to slow him down. No matter what he does he will NOT be able to run from the pain so he might as well stand still and give this time.

He is in shock, he is deeply hurt, AND he just lost a lot of confidence in himself. He now feels he could NOT make you happy and he has lost hope.

If you can send him here. Everyone here will talk with him. He does not have to identify himself as your H, or he can as he wishes. People here will give him good advice. YOu might want to tell him that is NOT a marriage at all costs sight. Some marriage need to end, but they ought to with the agreement of both parties.

Think about it.

God bless,

JL

FBA,

You have some great advise here...it will be difficult but you ARE on the right path...asking for the transfer...write the NC letter...

Your H is in shock right now...that can last awhile...ride out the storm...talk to his parents like it was suggested...accountability on your part is a MUST...time...honesty...I also recommend getting rid of anything that was related to the A...gifts if there are any...

Well, someone else may want to comment on that...I know how hurt I was when I found a card from OW months after d-day...

Would anyone else recommend that?

Best wishes...I'll be praying for you and your family...I hope that you open your heart to the Lord and do some praying also...for guidance not just for yourself but for your H...and the lives that your A has affect beyond you and your H...your kids...and extended family...

God bless!

Rinder,

Excellent idea. Really an excellent idea.

JL

Unfortunately, his parents have passed, we are not religious and he doesn't even have any friends close to him to talk to. I would love to give him someone to talk to. It just seems impossible

I would. However, *when* and *how* to get rid of them I think is open to discussion. After D-Day, I wanted to know about *everything* my FWW ever gave to or received from the OM. I would suggest boxing it all up, and getting rid of it together after you've discussed it.

Send him here - there are lots of BHs around here to help him deal with what he's going through now.

i second the "give him some time" motion.

when I found proof my wife was in love with another man, I was mentally gone for almost a week... and this is when I was expecting it to one day reveal itself.

you cannot imagine the hurt he is going through. he's still in reaction mode. a person just doesn't recover from that kind of blow without a whole heap of time.
The best thing you can do right now, is to try to stay calm, and show him that you DO love him, even in the face of his current actions.
[not bunches of roses kinda things. but day-to-day "I care about you" kinda things]

It's gonna take a while.

Thanks, MIM...thank was the question that came to my mind...I wanted to know also...I think boxing it up is an excellent idea...

flybaby

there is just NO WAY to help a WS understand what it feels like to discover an Affair

the pain, rage, and total devestation that a spouse feels when they discover the person who promised to cherish them and never hurt them

has destroyed them and everything they always believed in

it is like having a knife driven through your heart......by your spouse

honestly it is

you hate them for what they did

but you still love them

while you are trying to understand WHY!

and then you have to consider what you are going to do

you can't imagine staying with them but you can't imagine your life without them

give it time