Just recently, over the last week or so .. my W has begun to obcess about her looks, she spends time putting on makeup before work everyday .. she got a really nice hairdo .. with highlights and such .. is taking great care of her fingernails and toenails ..painting them etc.... and is wearing clothes that make her look very attractive .. and she is very attractive ..but this is new behaviour..this is not "normal" for her ..

I'm not saying that she was a scrub before all this .. but now this obsessing..We're both reading His Needs/Her Needs .. and she claims that she wants to be attractive for me..she wants to be an attractive spouse..but she's been unfaithful to me in the past ..

I don't know how to interpret this. I know I'm hypervigilant about everything . .. after everything we've been through ..anyone have an opinion on this ?

It could be that she wants you to value her.

There are so many possibilities here I'd hate to even speculate.

You said that she has been unfaithful in the past.

Is this part of a fresh start? A whole new loving wife?

did this come about after reading about the AS need in His Needs/Her Needs?

what lead you to get the book, btw?
was it your idea or hers?

when was she unfaithful and what were the circumstances?
how about you?

07/06 Wife began EA with OP
10/06 Discovery
10/06 I exposed to WW family/ OP's family
10/06 WW comitted to NC, broke NC .. I advised I would divorce her .. she attempted suicide .. WW was baker acted
12/06 I purchased HNHN
12/06 FWW Became pregnant
01/07 I ask FWW if possibility baby might not be mine
01/07 FWW has miscairage, states "This is what I get for doing this to you.."
01/07 Marriage counseling begins..

In Recovery .. No proof that she has broken No Contact .. however I don't know if there is anyone ..new..I don't know ..

wow.
she attempted suicide? she said she thinks the miscarriage happened because of her affair?
is she under a doctors care right now?

my guess is that she is trying to look attractive because she thinks it will make you happy.

what nia said...is she under a doctor's care? AD's? Therapy? A suicide attempt and THEN a miscarriage on top of that...she's got to be hurting inside.

Are you snooping?

No, I'm not snooping .. I feel that she's been straight with me for a while now .. AD's .. yes..I know she's hurting on the inside .. but we're both getting through it together .. Maybe I'm just paranoid ..which I know I am..and she knows I am .. she's actually been very good lately about recognizing my triggers and helping me through the "off moments."

She has gone great lengths to help me regain her trust .. But I still always find myself questioning her motives .. about everything.. My head believes her but my heart has trouble following .. I know I love her though ..

inshock,

If your WW is working with you I would say she is trying for YOU.

If she gets dolled up for you AFTER you come home from work, this gal is really trying for YOU.

If she gets all dolled up and then goes to work and comes home to crawl into her sweats, my b%ll meter just pegged off the dial.

I agree with Cy on this....

Does she come to bed decked to the "nines", lingerie, hair done, bathed or is it only when she's going somewhere you aren't going to be?

ISM:

Your W could be persuing someone new at the office. Someone she can see in person, therefore, she is getting dressed up.

OR:

She could be pulling out of the RUT she fell into, and trying to look better on the outside because she is feeling awful on the inside.

Two extremes.

Both with different approachs from you.

The first, you need to do what needs to be done, snoop, expose, and Plan A.

The second, you need to Plan A.

See the similarities?

What were you doing for the first years of your marriage with your WW? What were you doing in the years before the A started? And what have you been doing since Dday? How have your actions with WW changed?

Let us know!

lousy,





Thank you for opening my eyes to the perspective of the WS. Sometimes I can be too flippant for my own good!

Doctors (and I'm sure you know this Cy) look for something in post operative/very sick women patients. It's called the lipstick sign. The day a woman puts on lipstick in hospital it means she's turned the corner and is on the road to recovery.

When I'm depressed (I suffer from clinical depression and have done all my adult life) the lipstick, the hair and the nice clothes just aren't my priority. I look like a slob. When I'm better, I take great pride in my appearance.

Also, I dress for work every day - do my hair, makeup, choose my clothes. I work freaking hard at work and the grooming is for my job. When I come home the first thing I do is get out of the "work" clothes and into something comfortable. It doesn't mean I'm "seeing someone" elsewhere it just means I want to be COMFORTABLE and put work behind me. (Right now I'm wearing a tee shirt that's seen better days, khaki shorts and bare feet - summer here BTW).

When I met my H, the first thing I noticed was that he didn't care what I wore. He loves to see me dressed up but when he comes home tonight and sees me in my shorts etc it won't bother him at all.

I do the exact same thing, and agree 100% with everything KJ says here.

And NO, I'm not interested in anyone but my darling husband.

IS,
Maybe you and (F?)WW could schedule some appts with the Harleys.

Also, given the history you may want to snoop, (F?)WW may not be out of the fog yet. When you do snoop, it helps you to rebuild trust. It is exhausting work (I think) but if it helps you build trust, then it will help you both in the long run. Snooping doesn't just allow you to see what lies a WS is telling but it also allows you to see the TRUTHS the WS is telling.