SL,

It sucks but you can do something about it "in your own time"

I think the wierd thing is we know it sucks as a BS and sometimes the FWS just doesn't get it.

My FWW kept triggers around and didn't think twice about it. I told her I didn't like them and nothing.

Then finally I just asked her not to wear it around me or bring it out around me. She said I am pretty much always around you expcept when we go to work. LOL I said well exactly.

She kept arguing the significance to me. I finally said it is significant to me and it must be to you too if you are arguing about it.

For her it was not about keeping whatever it was as a reminder of the A or the OM but more to assert her independance. To not feel like she is being punished for her A. To mimimize the signigicance not post A but just what it meant during the A.

It wasn't about keeping it as a memory really.

Again please remember my posts suck now cause I am always rushin.

Thanks Rind,

My kids and I wil have a wonderful day...(will try not to let this day get to me).
Right now my 14 year old son is making a fort in the liveing room with all the couch cushions.... boys never grow up (LOL)
And they just agve me my present... a mug with a devil bear in that says hot stuff...maybe someday I will be considered "hot stuff" to someone again. At least my kids think I am. God I love them so much..how could thier father want to be away from them and only be a part time dad???

MIM... you're my kind of man (haha) great way to recalim the marital bed.

Still

Frognomore, sometimes they eventually do "get it". For example, just a few months ago, my FWW went through her clothes and threw out those she wore during the A, including a nice mini-skirt that I actually might not have minded if she kept for awhile... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

The problem is, they don't "get it" as fast as we'd like them to "get it", so usually we have to deal with the triggers in our own way.

Ok, now people walking by my office are wondering why I'm LOL.

Nice

AWESOME! You guys are something!

Thanks everyone for the advice. Mulan hit it, really, it's me holding back, me not doing MY part here. I WILL do something about it, but the fear and trepidation gets to me, and I'm just starting out here.

I agree with MIM here too, they just don't get it, and I believe that it is my job to at least point out what may be overlooked. Even if he doesn't get rid of the shirt RIGHT NOW, I will have made it NOT SO COMFORTABLE for the wearing of said shirt, by speaking my mind. He won't be able to put it on without being uncomfortable wearing it. He WILL wear it anyway, I know he will.

He's one week into withdrawal, also, so respecting me is the last thing on his mind. I'm sure he's angry because I'm MAKING him do all of this. Well, he knows the door is opened, he is NOT a caged animal, and this is HIS choice, so I really do need to point out the slight.

Oh MIM,

Don't get me wrong she finally Got it. I said sometimes they don't get it. I should have atriculated was they don't get it right away.

Sometimes again I truly believe the FWS doesn't get rid of it to minimize the A.

But like you guys say that you need to at least let them know.

I made sure my FWW knew I didn't like it. The reason being is there were hurt feelings and negative consequences for her. Lets face it I didn't treat her very nicely that day. So I was vocal about it. That way she knew I wasn't ok with it.

Finally like your FWW mine did the same. But I didn't hide my feelings.

But again it takes a while sometimes for the FWS to get it.

I have to back up what the other are saying, especially Mulan...

SL...just a little reminder here and I know you know this...

The opposite of fear is COURage...and the outcome is usually less than our mind tell us...

I have faith in you!

This might make a good example of the difference between an Threat/Ultimatum and a Boundary:

Threat/Ultimatum: "I hate that shirt! Get rid of that shirt or else!"

Boundary: "Wear that shirt all you want, but I will not remain in the presence of a man who would walk around in front of his wife wearing a shirt that his OW gave him. Anytime you wear that shirt, I will be somewhere else. Have a nice day."

Mulan

I agree with the boudary. That was my plan for approach. I will not be SEEING him until this evening, or maybe earlier, if his fever spikes AGAIN.

The SHIRT is not the problem, his action of disrespect and thoughtlessness IS...

Oh, and Rin, I agree with you about fear. I actually don't have much fear in this. I'm just trying to deliver anything I have in a respectful way, and sometimes I need to think before I ACT...
I am more than prepared to move on in my life without someone who will not love and respect me as I deserve. H knows this about me. We discussed this VERY recently. Again, he's being disrespectful and thoughtless.

Please keep in mind that men are sometimes real s...l...o...w and WH are,IMO, even more so. Use the I statements when you talk to him and you may have to spell it out slowly. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I feel disrespected when you wear, or carry anything that the OW gave to you in my presence. I will not be in your presence when SHE is, in any way, shape or form.

That's really how I feel, does that sound like a boundary and not an ultimatum?

Rin, I apologize for the threadjack, COMPLETELY unintentional, but thank you for allowing and helping me in the trespass...

A little harsh - may put him on the defense.

"Honey, you may not know it, but everytime you wear that shirt it hurts me deeply. Ms.POS gave you that shirt and I feel disrespected as your wife when I see it. In fact I would like it if we could gather all of the stuff from SLUT and toss it out togther. It would help me feel better."


Just putting it out there people.

Excellent.

My boundary: While I'm living in my home, I will not allow myself to be hurt or humiliated by anything that reminds me of the A. Such items will either be "reclaimed" or discarded by myself by whatever options or means are available <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

Thanks everybody. Great advice. I'll tone it down a bit.

I think I will just say something along the lines of M2L, except for the SLUT stuff...

I can see where you're taking great advice, RL, on the A material stuff...

I wanted to add...that when we see WS's keeping stuff...wearing it...etc...we see it as an act against the marriage...

So when your FWH gets rid of whatever A stuff he has...please choose to see that as an act of protection for the marriage...

And if he chooses not to, and you do (which I advise), then it's a null thing...the job's done...just know that your FWH did not act to hold to marital boundaries.

Good to know, eh?

And the crux of the stuff is...WS's put OP above the marriage...so when they get rid of OW and not the A stuff, then in reality, they are putting that stuff before the marriage...and the overlap is reasonable...still needs to be cleared up and stated.

LA

I will most assuredly CHOOSE to see such an act as protection.

I wonder, do WS's initially not understand the negative impact of THINGS from the A, on their M, or do they CHOOSE to ignore it, MAKE it insignificant to them, and expect BS's to do the same? Does guilt play into this, does independant thinking (it's MY STUFF, and I'll do what I want), or is it just thoughtlessness?

Also, what BS's reading here today have stated that something the WS's wears, carries, etc. feels disresectful and what was the outcome?

Hang in there everyone!!! You will get off the ride some day!!! You are all so strong.

Happy V-day even if you have a lump the size of Texas! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I think that in the beginning it's a matter of not being able to understand b/c the fog is so thick...

H had a key chain and a card...he got rid of them...I don't know where they are and that's fine with me...it's NOT in my house...

I think as time goes on and they listen...truly listen...as the fog is lifting or when it does that they come to understand more...

IMO...this is from my experience...H, I feel, understands now how that store has effected me...I got to speak my peace and I heard his side of the story...I understand where he is coming from and we have come to a join agreement...which I am very comfortable with...

The first time that he bought me coffee, it was purchased in the Shoprite cup and he poured it into a coffee mug at home...trashing the other cups...he continues to do this...and I feel appreciated and loved b/c of it...

LOL...especially now when my lungs are so congested, you know the caffine helps out them up, along with all the meds I'm taking...LOL

THat one little thing...changing cups...means the world to me and it has helped SO much...

You know my story SL...you know how long and the war that was fought to get to this point...be patience and still...let him caught up...slow is an understatement! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

So how did the day turn out for you guys? Was it as bad as you thought or did you have a good V-day?

would love for you all to share your stories?


Mine was great...H didn't get me anything but he did manage to find another boss to cover for him for a few hours so we got to go to dinner with the kids...last minute, no sitter...all in all, great!

What more could I have asked for with the two of us working opposite shifts...LOL...spending time with him was good for me...and b/c it was our anniversary we got dessert free...wasn't expecting that...bread pudding with Capt. Morgan's rum...yummy!