And no, we are not still married.

The divorce was final almost two years ago.

The OW finally dumped him for good a little over a year before the divorce was final (after numerous 'broke up for good' endings of adultery)

There were times after adultery ended, and even since divorce was final, when WXH wanted me to live together...
BUT not to get remarried and not to let his relatives knwo we were back together.

Offers I wasn't willing to even consider obviously!

Part of the problem is XH and daughters want one-way boundaries with me: They want all sorts of boundaries to protect their independence but I am just supposed to spend the rest of my life providing a home for them minus even common respect and courtesy from them let alone any sort of committment, love, or appreciation.

They view me as being in my X's employment, that cour-ordered support money is like my paycheck from X entitling them to expect all sorts of things from me!

And they were basically threatening to fire me.

So I quit!

Yup,

I have all sorts of plans to keep myself busy.

I recently contacted a local group for women in their 40's and 50's to get together for socialization activities.

I am trying to get back into the career I set aside over two decades ago. Plus I'm trying to start a couple of home-based businesses I was waiting to do after the kids were grown.

I'm also going to start going to local meetings of Parents Without Partners, Beyond Affairs Network, and Divorce Care again (haven't gone to any such meetings in over a year).

I will start doing more volunteer work too.

I have been very depressed lately but am digging my way out.

I listened to the audio book The Power of Positive Thinking by Norman Vincent Peale FIVE TIMES the other day! I even took notes. LOL

And of course, posting here helps a lot too.

Thanx so much for the kind words and helpful advice.

BTW, the career I'm trying to get back into involved LOTS of travel!!!

It is difficult to get back into a career, but you will be able to do it. I had the privilege to stay home with my kids for 7 years, and it was hard to get back in the work world. And not because of me, but because employers tend to think you've lost all your skills. GRRRRR. For all the stuff our society says about how important SAHM's are, it really does NOTHING to support them.

I'm sure you daughters will get over their sense of entitlement. They will grow up. I know that I was a horrible daughter in my teen years. My mom went back to school and was having an awful time while doing her student teaching. I didn't lift a finger to help her out. Now I am MORTIFIED by my behavior, and have apologized to her.

meremortal,
I'm now in my mid40's and pulled that same kind of junk with my mom who was a widow. It was my jerky teen phase.

I also went through the same junk with my two step kids who are now in their early 20s. They essentially played their dad and mom against each other to get what they wanted. I would imagine that this is EXACTLY what your girls are doing.

They want to do their own thing and not have any rules. If they can successfully bully, shame, coerce or "ultimatum" you into letting them do what they want to do, they've won.

Don't relax your standards. You KNOW that you're doing the right thing. Don't you? Right down in the core of your gut, you KNOW you're right!!!!

They are teenagers. What's worse they are "divorced" teenagers. They have that entitlement thing going on that makes them think that b/c they're children of divorce they are somehow entitled to whatever they want b/c you owe them.

Don't buy into that crap. You know you're right. Like Believer said, by the time they're in their mid 20s, they'll tell you that.

Plus the fact that in my situtation my stepkids always had to be better with their mom and were always trying to win her love. They always knew that my H loved them and b/c of that they walked all over him. My SS moved back and forth between our house and his mom's about every 6 months; 11 times. Every time he came back he turned our house upside down. It was a game to him. Move to mom's and get a 4 wheeler as the reward. Move back to dad's and get a dirt bike or get to drop out of school.

Hang in there.

Thanx for the support folks, it really does help.

I've been trying not to think about it much since I can't really do anything about it anyway....

Plus I am working now - not THE career I'm trying to get back into but second job in second career. It's part-time, temporary but dovetails perfectly with the part-time temporary job I already had. And when/if I go permanent in this new job I can eventually get free college tuition for my daughters. That is IF they are still being claimed by ME as dependents on my taxes (instead of being claimed by their father - ahem)

So anyway, I have been busier and that helps to keep my mind off things AND a little less money worries.


life2short posted:

"Plus the fact that in my situtation my stepkids always had to be better with their mom and were always trying to win her love."

My youngest daughter has admitted many, many times that she can't tell her dad how she really feels because she knows he won't want to be around her then. Also she now says she doesn't feel she knows him well enough to be honest with him about her feelings/problems. And she says she misses him when she's with me and takes it out on me.

Never mind that HIS selfish and immoral choices are the ONLY reason she can't live with BOTH parents!!!!! ARGH!!!

bumpin'

meremortal,

Just so you know, when my kids were 16yo and 19yo they tried similar stuff on me--ONCE. If you remember me, I was also with an abusive, controlling exH, and by choice the kids lived at my house as "home base" and their dad lived 3 miles away and they could go over there whenever they called him to arrange it. Naturally, HE did not call THEM...and they were usually too busy with school and friends to call him...so the large majority of the time they were with me. He was ordered to pay minimum child support and I used it directly to pay a portion of my rent (I figured it literally paid for a roof over their heads). Nonetheless, every time they would ask him for $5 for a field trip, etc., he would say, "I already pay child support! Your mother has to pay for that!" and rant and rave.

Eventually they began the attempt to make me buy them things or do things when they wanted "or else they'd go live with Dad." One day, I told one that I could not drive them to a mall or something to be with their friends, and they pulled out the old "I'll go live with dad" routine, and I said, "You know what? Go. I'm tired of you using that as a threat against me as if I could not survive if you went to live with your dad. If life here is so miserable go ahead and go. But know this. I will not participate in a tug of war. If you go, you go for a minimum of a year and no matter what happens I will not let you live here. I will NOT have you using threats of moving to the other parent just to get ONE parent to not give you chores or not give you a punishment you deserve. So consider carefully, because if you do leave, you will NOT being going back and forth to avoid what you have created. You are free to move any time you wish and I will not stop you--in fact I'll help you! But you WILL NOT be coming back any time soon until you show me that you can respect MY house and MY rules. When you pay for it--it will be your house and you can do whatever your little heart desires...and you will pay any consequences too."

They got the deer in the headlights look and never tried that again!

Meremortal, you are doing the right thing. Let the girls FACE the fact head-on that all this time you have provided for them and cared for them, when their own father hasn't given a rip. Tell you EX-HUSBAND to piss off and you'll move wherever and whenever you darn well please--that he LOST his right to even suggest to you when he chose the OW! And finally, I'm going to warn you that your girls are going to be hurt. They are going to see their dad for what he is, and they are going to cry and promise and beg, etc.--be prepared for that. IMHO, as their mom you are going to want to relieve their suffering and tend to let them come back before they have really had to experience the consequences, so I would suggest that right now you find someone you trust (like your pastor you were mentioning) and let HIM help you decide when it is right to allow them to move back. A wise council like that could help you see through their promises to wait for real change.

Finally, I would just comment on one thing. Like you, I'm not young anymore (I'm almost 45yo) and each month I'm feeling middle-age creeping up on me. For example, it is becoming apparent to me that I'm entering menopause and I feel a bit like an old, dried up prune. But that's just because our society is so "youth driven." In real life, I am in the middle of my life. My children are growing up and moving out on their own. My life is my own, and I have the wisdom of experience on my side. I can FINALLY do some of the things that I like to do and want to do. So, while I understand how ya feel--getting old is not for wimps--you aren't old, meremortal--nor alone--nor done for.

Your faithful friend,


CJ

Thanx for the pep talk.

I've really been busy with second job starting so that's helped a LOT to keep my mind off it all.

X got a job and will be moving soon.... I'm hoping daughters won't want to move to where he's going...

I talked with close family friends and youth pastor at our church. All agree youngest daughter needs counseling again and both daughters need to take household rules seriously this time. Also, I will not tolerate any more of their threats or comparisons with X.