The situation itself is sticky. I am a military wife. I have been married to my husband for almost 4 years but we were living together for almost that amount of time before marraige.

My husband is in the army. He went from doing a tour in Iraq to comimg home for 3 years only to be faced with a 6 month class... and now we have a year in Korea hanging over our heads.

Hind sight is always 20/20 and I guess in my heart I knew that over Christmas he was distant and there was a problem. I thought that it was simply because we hadn't seen each other in so long. But as it turns out he'd been sleeping with another woman for about a week and she called him over christmas holiday to tell him she was preg. (I did not know this at the time)

About two weeks after he went back to school he confessed and told me about the situation. He tried to push me away and said some very mean things... but I was in shock. I was hurt and all I wanted was my husband.

About two days after the call he called me again... telling me he couldn't give up on eight years. He wanted me!!

I'm sure so many of you can understand the happiness I felt that time time. Needless to say I was on the next flight to him. We were able to spend the next two weeks together. I asked many questions and he answered them. At the time I thought that I wanted to know the details... but now I'm not so sure.

It started out they were golfing buddies on the weekend. Then one night in early december they got totally drunk at her place and well... you know. He said after the first time it just got easier. He said he had wanted someone to hold him. He'd been away at war only to come home to be rewarded by being sent away again for 6 months and put up in a dinky hotel room. (No... I don't agree with the excuse but in a way I see the frustration).

So now it has been a month since I've found out. He does not want to talk to anyone. He's a very private person. He's still been in the same post as her... so of course I worry. I had found out she was still calling him... but he tells me that has stopped now and he's cut all contact with her. He is coming home for a month and will arrive tomorrow. I am more nervous about it than excited. Sometimes I question if I still love him. I know the answer is yes... but I am so hurt. Sometimes I question if I would be better off without him. I simply do not know. I am afraid of what this next year could bring.

I was so secure in my life. He and I had finally decided to begin a family. I thought my life was really going somewhere. Now I sit here and wonder what I've done these past eight years... Somewhere I've lost myself. I used to be so content being Mrs. So and So... I lived for it and I was so proud. Now I have mixed feelings about it.


I would really love to hear from others who have been in this situation. No matter the outcome of your personal situations... please share. I would love for things to work for my husband and I but sometimes I feel like he is getting anoyed with my insecurity. He keeps telling me he is on his way home to me. I'm his wife... he loves me... Maybe I just need to actually see him... and to feel his touch to believe that.


Thank you all for the kind ear.


PS: The OW no longer is with child.... and no, at this point in time we know I will not be able to join him in Korea....

You sound a lot like me. H and I are together and all appears to be going well but inside I till feel so alone and hurt. they say it takes time. I have been married almost twenty years and we have three children. I was married to a marine once and I know how difficult the separtations can be...especially if there is trouble with the relationship. Have you read How To Survie An Affair? I found it very helpful for a first read...more so than His Needs, Her Needs. This is a very difficult situation we have both found ourselves in...I sympathize with you. I wish I had some sound advice for you but I find myself kind of in the same spot you are in. I do love him but it's like we have to start over...nothing is the same for me. He acts as if everything is ok and maybe for him it is. It is for me some days but then there are days like today that nothing seems right. In the beginning I too was insecure and still am at times...I was so desparate with Plan A..which by the was is a great plan and really has worked to help my H see the light. I just wish these guys would throw some plan A back at us...sometimes I feel like I have to prove myself when in all actuality I think they should be showing us.

Is the ow going to the same classes and deployments he goes to? In the military you know there are consequesnces if things like this are found out....that may be some of his reluctance to seek help.

Pray...I have and it helps me deal with the day to day struggle not only with the marriage issues but the issues I struggle with inside myself.

Let us know how the visit goes.

The ow is not in his class or mos. He was at school and she was stationed there. He says all contact is cut and she was okay with it. I want to believe him but I still feel guarded. I know I should be so I don't let myself hurt like I did before. I'm just worried that I'm not going to see when he tosses some plan A back at me... that I will have such a barrier up I won't see it.

I've been working on some of the questionaires. I've printed double copies and hopefully he is receptive to the idea. If he doesn't want to actually go and talk to someone then this is a way to start the healing at home I think.

He knows of the concequences and I pointed them out to him as well after we agreed to reconcile. I never told him that I was in the process of filing with jag and I didn't tell him I froze the joint account either.... its past the fact and I was simply protecting myself at the time.

He is upset that I still bring it up. But it has only been a month since I found out!!! He was still there where she was and I was already back home. Anyone would have questions! Is that unfair of me? Am I being selfish with that?? To want the reassurance that he was away from her? It all boils down to trust... and that is pretty much non existant at this point!


The kicker in the entire situation is that all our friends called us the 'cute couple' and said how we worked so well together and respected each other.....

I had always thought so too... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />

Sita1981.

I think its reasonable to be guarded. I know I would be, and I am a man. I guess the hard part is the distance, you have no way of following up on his claims. This is why I have som much respect for the women who are at home while the Husbands are at war. I know its hard, but hand in there. My mom always told me, this too shall pass.

I think if your husband really wants this to work, he should swallow his pride, and get his butt into counseling. I know I would in a heartbeat, and I have never cheated.

Post deleted by AllAboutUs

Hi Sita,

We are 3 years past DD day and it still hurts. My husband had an internet romantic affair with an old girlfriend from 30 years prior. She lives in another country.

They never met and so there was no physical contact. Many would say that I am lucky , perhaps I am, but \I have read dozens of their love letters and plans for the future that it still makes me sick to the stomach. I stayed for the sake of our 3 children. I did not want to destroy our family. I do not believe trust ever does come back. There is always the suspicion there lurking.

From what I understand, you do not have children. My advice to you is to run. He has done this to you now after only 8 years and no children. What will he do after many years when life becomes mundane and children take up most of your time.

There are many good men out there. You are young and dont have children with this man. Give yourself a break and start anew.

The betrayal will always be there.Trust is not regained. You learn to live with your hurt. It is not worth it. You can start afresh with someone else who truly respects you.

I am sorry if this is not what you wanted to hear.

Innocence

Sita 1981 - by this time, your husband has been home for a week. I am very sorry for your pain and hope you are making out well, but KNOW is very hard. My story is very similiar -- husband who travels extensively and I discovered A about a month ago. I , too, though WHOAH how is this happening??? I felt so secure and happy! (I am on the Just Found Out Forum - Stalled in the Process subject line). My WWh has been home and also does not want to talk about it - easier for us to email or IM each other - might want to try that. I also asked questions, found out info, and now regret it. But, knowledge is power and it is up to both of us how to use it. Because I am a newbie - still in the anger and confusion stage, I have nothing to advise EXCEPT take advantage of counseling services offered by the military. You should not be ashamed to do so! In a zillion ways, I saw myself in your post. (I now hate military women too, since my husband who is non military had an affair with a military woman and just to add salt to the wound she was the "moral leader" of her company. Some moral (not morale) leader, huh? We are attempting to reconcile, but time together is painful. Consider military counseling and email/Im for communication. I found that through tech (email and IM) we have been able to have real conversations not possible face to face. Sounds like he is aware of the value of his relationship and together you can work through it.