This is a true story. Six years ago this month, a very close friend of mine was shot and killed by his wife. This is long and takes a while to get to the point; please bear with me.

Early Saturday morning, 10 Feb 2001 about 0330, the phone rang. By the time I was awake to get to the phone, the caller was already leaving a message - shouting, babbling, crying - unrecognizable and not making any sense. I was on my way to the kitchen to check the message...probably just a drunk leaving a message at the wrong number. No drama in my life, after all.

I was reaching for the play button when the phone rang again. I answered, and the caller identified himself as LT so-and-so from some sheriff's office - I was still not quite awake. He asked if I was Scott, and I said yes. By now I was fully awake and starting to panic. Police lieutenants don't call your house at four in the morning to sell you tickets to the policeman's ball.

I asked him what had happened. He said that something had happened to James, and that I needed to come get his wife. He wouldn't give me any more information than that. I told him we would be there in an hour. My wife and I headed out a few minutes later, figuring it was a traffic accident or medical emergency.

When we got there, there were a few police cars in the yard. One of the deputies identified himself as LT so-and-so. Then he dropped the bomb on us: "James shot himself". He had been medevaced to UNC Chapel Hill but was probably not going to make it. He asked us a few basic questions and handed Jim's wife, Cindy, off to us. He also warned us that the room hadn't been cleaned up, and suggested that Cindy not go back inside.

She was a wreck, alternating between sobbing and shocked silence. My wife stayed with her while I went inside to look around. There was another deputy inside; I asked him if there was a cleanup service that could be called. He said no. My wife and I decided that we needed to get Cindy back to our place, so I stayed with her while my wife went inside to get a bag, some clothes, and some papers.

My wife collected Cindy and their dog and went back to our house. I would stay and clean up, then take Cindy's truck home. I verified with the deputy that they were done - that they had collected all the photos and evidence that they needed.

Cleaning Jim's blood off their marital bed was one of the hardest things I ever did, but I felt like I owed it to him...kind of like a last service for a friend. I collected all the bloody bedding in a garbage bag, and used a bleach solution to clean the waterbed mattress.

When I was done, I sat on their porch and tried to think of why Jim would have killed himself. I had known him for 13 years and counted him among my closest friends. He had fought depression all his life, but things were going well for them - or so I thought. We were coworkers, and I had had lunch with him the day before and discussed weekend plans. It didn't make any sense; I was in shock.

I went home and we comforted Cindy as best we could for the rest of the weekend. We gave her the spare room and put our dogs out in the yard - they don't get along with other dogs, and we didn't need them killing her dog. She alternated speaking to the police with notifying their daughters and other family. I notified our mutual friends and workplace.

The following Monday she was asked to come back to Smithfield to answer some routine follow-on questions. Since my wife and I were close friends, we were also called in for questioning. The detective asked my wife and I the usual things - did he seem depressed, did he give any indication this was going to happen, when did I see him last, and so on. Then he dropped another bomb on me.

"Did you know that Cindy had a boyfriend?"

My jaw hit the floor. I had known for years that Jim and Cindy had an 'open marriage', but I had figured it was conceptual at best. Jim always spoke proudly about how he and Cindy saw it as 'just sex', and as long as nothing emotional happened wieh the other person, and as long as the other person never came to the marital home, everything was fine. I figured it was conceptual only because, let's face it, Jim was no Brad Pitt. The detective started throwing facts at us:

Cindy was a prison guard and had developed a relationship with another guard. A full-blown affair.

Two weeks ago, after she was on tower duty, her relief found 'practice suicide notes' in the trash can. They were notes in Jim's handwriting, with several different versions of wording. Similar wording was found on a printed note at the house.

At the scene, she had resisted gunshot residue testing, and had actually washed her hands and applied lotion before the deputies arrived.

Preliminary ballistic and forensic findings indicated that there was no way the wound could have been self-inflicted. They said the muzzle of the gun (.357 magnum) had been a minimum of 18"-24" away when it was fired and the angle was inconsistent with a self-inflicted wound. Also, the GSR patterns on Jim's hands indicated that he had his hand up and out...in defense.

Cindy was being taken into custody at that time.

We never did get what we consider to be the true story. There are only two people that know what happened that night...one of them is dead, and the other is an unreliable source of information. Cindy's story was that Jim had demanded that she end her affair or else he would kill himself. She said she struggled with him, got the gun away from him, and then it went off accidentally.

It took more than a year to get to trial. In May 2002 she was found guilty of first degree murder and got life...without possibiilty of parole.

A friend from Texas speculates that she had another affair when they lived in Texas, and that was the catalyst for them moving to North Carolina. So maybe Jim agreed to the 'open marriage' knowing his wife was going to cheat anyway..?

I have known the family since 1988. I watched their daughters grow up. In March, the younger one is getting married, and I will be the one to walk her down the aisle and give her away. I'm deeply honored to be standing in for him, but all in all I'd rather have my friend back.

Thank you for posting this.

We have had more than one poster here on MB -- there are at least two women that I know of - who struggled for a long time but then finally gave in to their spouse's demands for what is essentially an open marriage.

They often post about how happy they are now that they have "surrendered" and are not fighting their husband's wishes any more.

I hope they read this post.
Mulan

I think this is what scares me the most about what JustLearning said to me about crossing your own boundaries, denying your own moral compass. I had to ask myself, where is the line between crossing that boundary to have an A and crossing those boundaries to do other things? Lying is already covered in the A... stealing? How far can one go once that boundary becomes meaningless? Apparently in the case of the above-mentioned gal, pretty far.
Something to think about.

~Baaa

Yes. In the fog, you can rationalize, justify, and rewrite history to make almost *anything* seem okay. Once you cross one boundary, the next is easier...and so on.

Funny that while she was in jail (before the trial) Cindy found Jesus. We assumed it was just an effort to look good for the trial or subsequent parole boards.

She was actually on an MSNBC special about women in prison. She was the last inmate profiled. Seeing her on TV was a shocker. She was leading a prayer group so I guess she kept up with the religion thing. I thought I saw genuine remorse on her face, but I wouldn't know...we have had no contact with her since she was taken into custody.

My H and I WAS in an open relationship...I fought for years to end it...

His A (last A) b/c now I concern them all As...was a big eye opener...

I was sexually abused as a child and use the tools that I had to make it through the years...I introduced my GF to my then BF (H) and from that point we did alot of damage...it started to not work for me anymore and I would tell H but like I was at one point, he was addicted...

I am proud to announce that H and I have agreed to end all that mess...in our last conversation, H said that he didn't know the way, but was sure that there WAS a way for us to be happy without that in our lives...

This was a little over a month ago that he agreed...we hadn't been active in the lifestyle for a few years but it was a huge sore spot...

I really had to come to terms with way I did the things that I did...and an continously learning that love is not earned as I was taught...I had a great deal of sharing to do with H over the matter and my childhood...it was has been a difficult task but I am SOOO hopeful now that we are moving forward in a healthier manner...

I'm proud of our accomplishment...the self-respect that I've earned/learned...the self-love...when your addiction not longer makes you feel good, you go looking for the answers...at least I did...

Thank you for posting this story...I am very blessed that my life didn't turn for the worse and for all that H and I have been through...I'm a better person today b/c of it...

While I did not have an "open" marriage, ex spoke about experimenting with one. We were in our year of false recovery with ex fully into his MLC wanting a new life etc.

I'm proud to say I did not cross that boundary. As I told him at the time & marriage can't work with three people in it.

there is a sad story in our papers about a foster child that was murdered over the summer. Turns out the foster parents had a live in girlfriend/lover who eventually turned them as leaving in and was granted immunity.

most recently the papers have been saying that the live in girlfriend could be the real killer...according to the husband......his story was that gf was jelous and manipulative and wanted sex while the wife was out and put the foster child down for a nap..... bound and tied him and put him in a closet....forgot about him...hours later he was dead.
sick, sick story....sick people.
very sad.

supposedly the wife allowed the girlfriend to move in w/ them against her better judgement but Ok'd it because she did not want to loose her husband. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />