We are renewing our vows this month. How do these sound?

RENEWAL OF MARRIAGE VOWS FOR COUPLES MARRIED MORE THAN TEN YEARS

Clergy: Do you (insert husband’s name), promise to… step over the laundry basket instead of carrying it up the stairs, wipe up spills with your socks, use the imaginary brakes when she drives, never replace a toilet paper roll, push crumbs under the fridge rather than pick them up, pretend to listen with an uncanny ability to nod at the appropriate times, remember nothing—ever, never find anything even if it’s in front of your face, buy less than 70% of the items on your grocery list, mix all colors and wash everything in warm, pretend like you’re asleep when she wants to talk, think that twelve hours of television a day is an appropriate amount for a four year old, and expend the minimum amount of effort on everything you do every single day….as long as you both shall live?

Husband: I do.

Clergy: And do you (insert wife’s name), promise to…leave an unsaid ‘[censored]’ at the end of every sentence with the tone of your voice, have a strong opinion on literally every subject, roll your eyes within two seconds of him opening his mouth, break every traffic law when you drive—even for short distances, pick the absolutely worst movie every time you go to Blockbuster, think that ballroom dance and yoga classes would be a fun couple’s activity, make snide comments about his appearance, yearn for more culture in your life, restack the dishwasher every single time he does it, expect him to tolerate your bad moods while cutting him no slack ever for his bad moods, and point out that he is doing everything the ‘wrong’ way every single day…as long as you both shall live?

Wife: I do.

Clergy: Wow. Well, then, I guess you really are man and wife. You may kiss the bride.

Husband & Wife: Is that really necessary?

Clergy: OK, you may now go to your separate televisions.

Crowd: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaawwwww.

Cue the music: “Trading Spaces” and “Monday Night Football” (at the same time)

A show of hands: Who has a tear in his or her eye right now?

What can we say? We do too.

I guess we’re all just hopeless romantics.

For more harmless cynicism go here:

http://halfemptyarchive.blogspot.com/