I know I really shouldn't care what people think, but I do.

We had family counseling today. It got a bit heated. WH is saying that I'm making him out to be the monster. He didn't just one day pick up and leave. He said this M was having trouble for years. He had had enough. I reminded him he should have gotten D'd then, not had an A.

Now I know he is telling people at work, family, friends that it's my fault. He left me to live with another woman (still doesn't admit to me it's an A, maybe he does to others, don't know), and that I was the reason why he left.

He's taking no responsibility for this at all, even when the counselor reminded him it takes 2.

As I said I know I shouldn't care what people think, but I know he is painting me like some bitc* and that is why he left. He's blaiming it all on me. I told him I wasn't perfect and made mistakes, but I was willing to work on the M, he chose the A, not me. He's saying to people I served him D papers first etc. (I did). He neglects however to tell these people why I served him the papers, because I found out he was in an A!

I wish I could send a letter to everyone he knows and tell then the "real" story. Sure woiuld make me feel better.

I did send a few notes along with holiday cards to people explaining what happened. He didn't appreciate that.

How many of those PEOPLE that he knows are calling and asking you how you are doing, or for your side of the story? What was that? Oh, ZERO...

FORGET THEM, CAT!

Why would anyone appreciate their mistakes being pointed out to others, especially of this magnitude. He's angry at you, for the things HE'S done.

Just keep doing what you are, hang in there! YOU know the truth. Wayward ALL justify their actions with that whole line of bull about how HORRIBLE the M was, and how they were going to leave ANYWAY. Bull bull bull.

Don't buy into it, not one cent, okay?

CG,
You are in the middle of this and can't see it (A) for what it is. I'm sure the other people can see it very clearly. They know what your H is doing/did.


Him not taking responsibility - Why would he? He had an A. How could he blame himself for that? If he is in the mind set of taking responibilty for the A - he would have never had it to start with. That comes with the F in FWH.

You know your not to blame for the A. Yes you own some of the M problems, but not the A itself. Let others think what they want. Until they walk in your shoes with their life and M on the line they should stay out of it.

I know you are right.

No, his "friends" have not contacted me. I didn't expect them to. He is very highly respected at work, so I'm sure he spun a nice story to all of his co workers to make him seem like he was an angel through this all. I know one of friends at work knows the truth. I told him. But that doesn't stop him from hanging out with him etc. It's like these people know, yet still associate with him, like he's doing nothing wrong. He's the poor, poor victim in all of this. Blah!!!


Yeah I do know the truth, I just don't appreciate others not knowing and thinking bad of me. I guess I have to get over that and to he** what others think. I never could do that.

You and I seem to be in the same boat. My STBX sounds a lot like yours. It's tough to just know that people you once considered family or friends think you are the witch and not the victim. I have no advice for you, but the less I think and or talk to my X, the better my day goes. Luckily her family is 1000 miles away, and I honestly don't know their addresses or phone numbers.

I think that sometimes people try to make you out as the bad guy so they dont feel as bad about their actions. This is one sided and a lot of people can see right through this. If your H left you to live with another woman, he has to try to rationalize this because he is worried about what other people are thinking about him (I had to because my W is so mean to me....). Most intelligent people can see right through a fallacy like this, but if not, I would not be concerned what they think.

If H feels you are making him out to be the monster, he should really think about that, because maybe that is your perception of him right now, and if he wants the relationship to work, he needs to work on changing your perception of him.

just wondering cat

did you ever send an e-mail or letter to these people when you exposed

asking for their support and telling them that you are trying to save your marraige, accept that you have made mistakes and are willing to/ and have made changes?

NOT that they would change thier thoughts or actions about your h and OW

but i did this, i sent a letter to everyone in my h's family and it really opened thier eyes

they had no idea whatmy side of the story was or that my H had been cake-walking for over a year when he had told them that he was done and i wasn't even willing to admit i had anything to work on

in the end....they still told me that what they think and feel wouldn't make my h change his mind and that they wanted him to be happy

(a bunch of crap because then they ARE approving by accepting)

but it made ME feel better to share my side with the people who's opinion i did care about and the people who would possibly have an influece on my H

it was part of my pledge to myself to do everything in my power to try to save my marriage

and someting i needed to do for ME

Eav,

I sent a letter to one of WH's good friends and one to his mother, explaining the truth. I know WH would spin it to his favor. Never heard back from either. His mother didn't even acknowledge the kids, her grandchildren, for Christmas. She's definitely siding with WH. She never liked me anyway. I'm sure she's doing the happy dance that I'm out of his life. She cheated on his Dad, so she's no better.

I also went in person and spoke to a very good mutual friend of ours. I asked him for his help. He called WH and said I was spying on him. So much for help huh? He then said he was surprised our M lasted this long. Nice friend.

I'm sure they are giving WH the line..as long as you are happy that's all that matters. As I said WH is making me to look like the bad guy and he as having no choice but to leave me...he was so unhappy, couldn't live like that anymore, blah, blah, blah.

I'd bet that is very common. Same I assume is happening here. Very typical. My x's family is very heavily divorced, and the other party was ALWAYS the bad one. I wouldn't sweat it.

Most of our mutual friends have sided with my ex.

Only one friend out of all of them even called me after my ex left - the others, even if they think that what ex did was wrong, also seem to think that divorce is catching and don't want anything to do with me.

I even noticed this within my extended family - hardly any of my aunts/uncles/cousins called me after d/day. No-one seems to know what to say.

Catgirl,

There is nothing unusual about this; you read about it on this forum all the time.

Part of the problem surrounds some of the myths about infidelity. One of those myths, which seems prevalent among the general population, is that infidelity only occurs in bad marriages. As a result, an outsider may look at your situation and say, "he is cheating because they are having marital problems." That becomes an excuse, and the cheating is accepted as a consequence of the bad marriage. Thus it is no longer the cheater's fault, but that of the marriage or even the betrayed spouse.

Those of us who have experienced infidelity first hand know differently, just as the great majority of professional counselors do:

1. Infidelity occurs in good marriages as well as bad (Pittman says it occurs even more often in good marriages than bad!), and

2. Whether the marriage was good or bad makes no difference; infidelity is clearly wrong, morally and ethically. If there were problems in the marriage, cheating certainly doesn't solve them.

But the myths persist, and friends and relatives of the cheater rarely take a strong stand against his/her behavior. In fact, being friends and relatives, they are usually quick to accept whatever rationalizations the cheater offers as an excuse for the behavior. Those rationalizations may seem perfectly plausible, even when there is no truth to them. Keep in mind that the cheater very often believes his/her own lies, which makes them all the more convincing.

And so the friends and relatives take up sides, and those who favor one spouse often disassociate themselves from the other.

It is just one more negative consequence of infidelity. Your only consolation is that ultimately, the truth does find a way of reaching those most open to it.

Well, I wish I was a friend of your's catgirl because any wayward I meet henceforth will get NOTHING but a large helping of the TRUTH, period!!!!!!!! Nothing more or nothing less! If they like it fine and if they don't then get the hades away from me.

Hang in there and don't sweat unprincipled people.

you find out really quick who your marital friends were while you were married. people i thought were both of our friends, i found out were really only his. oh yes, when i confronted these friends i got the "oh, he knows i did not condone his behavior" but they helped him to do it! when i asked "why did you not tell me this was going on?" i would get silence. and now they all socialize together.

i exposed to everyone i knew and family and his family,etc. some of them were genuinely disappointed in him but still remained his friend. no one stopped being friends with him but i know some who really lost respect for him.

i was made out to be "crazy" mostly because i had his a** arrested when he laid hands on me and kicked in the door in front of our kids. he lied and told everyone the charges were dropped but i know the truth. the da told me he plead guilty to all counts.

bottom line is, those who are his friends are nothing to me anyway. they weren't when we were married and they are not now. i didn't sleep with half of the town, i didn't ruin my reputation like he did.

my ex rolls around in trash, i am so glad my home does not have to wreak of it anymore.

look straight ahead catgirl, those people and what they think are nothing. those who matter know the truth.

mlhb

WH made me to be the bad guy! Especially after exposure! Even blamed me that OW got disowned by her family. called me names, ****** and psycho being the most notable.

and now he's doing the sorry route. time will tell if he's sincere.

catgirl simple suggestion, be happy.

When your happy and you interact with people, that will tell them wait she isn't being a monstor, she is actually a sweet lady, hmmmm someones story stinks.... and we know lies can be made into truths no matter how well your a spinner.

Thanks all,

I know I shouldn't worry about what others think. I know the truth. It just gets me mad that others think bad of me because of what WH said.

He's making me out to be the devil and he the angel.

I'd like to take out a full page ad in the paper to set the story straight!

I guess I just have to get over it.

I don't think you necessarily have to get over it...but I wouldn't let it consume me. Take it as a piece of info about a person...something that you consider when you choose whether to engage in a relationship with him/her. Was she/he a "friend" to the A? Did he/she enable the A? Did he/she turn a blind eye to the A? Did he/she prevent the affairees from experiencing consequences?

Yes to any of the above: No relationship. NOT "my kind of people."

People who do any of the above are not WORTHY of your friendship. THEY are the ones with the problem, NOT you. YOU have stood up for what is right; they lacked the backbone to do so.

I have two good friends in particular who I feel REALLY left me hanging. I have not heard from either of these friends in months. I was really eaten up by that, really hurt. Finally I decided that it really wasn't for me to deal with. I don't know what is in their hearts. I can't change them, so why cry about it? I really should feel badly for them...clearly they don't know HOW to respond, so they just pretend everything is FINE, all the ugliness will go away. THAT'S not healthy, and I don't think it's RIGHT, either.

Unfair, I know...but what can you do? I guess to me, "get over it" implies locking it up in a little box and letting it simmer. That doesn't work for me because I'd pick at it like a scab. So I figured out a way to deal with it, and let go of the pain of it. But I have not FORGOTTEN....

hey cat

i'll pitch in some $$ if you want to rent a billboard! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Thanks Eav...I'll keep it in mind!!!

Most of the people that WH is spinning to are his co workers.

However my kid's godparents and WH's mother (my kids grandmother), she has entertained WH and OW, all support what he's doing.

As long as he's happy, and he of course couldn't be happy with a witch like me!!!

Even though those people are supposed to be important people in my kid's lives, I don't want them near them. They are not the role models I want my kids to follow.

But them again, neither is my WH, and I unfortunately can't keep him away from them.