Hello,
I have searched around but havent been able to get the right search combo, so I thought Id ask.
Well my W and have been M for well over 10 yrs, 2 great kids. We have had our ups and downs. I love her and the kids dearly. I dont talk to women at the office about much other than work related stuff and if I'm not needed at work I go home. I'm not perfect but I am a dedicated family man. Never been unfailthful to my W.

My W has been a stay at home mom for several years to raise our second child. Recently we decided she would go back to work. She is a proffessional and got a good job working really close with another M.
This M is now going throug a divorce. And he likes to talk about it. Most times to there are more than one person. But on occasion he talks to her about it, alone. She tells me everything. And I get the feeling she cares for him more than is right. I understand the closenes they have to work together in but I tried to tell her early on she needed to stay out of his personal strife, for her benifit at work if nothing else.
She says he's never made a move on her or anything and I believe that.
But they have had conversations about his M sex life and stuff like that it is making me uncomfortable and I dont know what to do. She said she was working late and ended up talking to him about that for a while. While we had a sick kid and it was a special day for us too.
She told me all of this and said he walked her to the parking lot and asked her if she needed a ride to her car for safety, she declined and said "nobody wants me" meaning she thinks she's unattractive, his reply was "youd be suprised"
How am I supposed to feel?
We have already had one big fight over this because I felt like I was inferior. And I told her I dont like it but she says "what is she supposed to do when he starts talking, walk out"
I dont know what to do...

Lots of big red flags!!


"nobody wants me" meaning she thinks she's unattractive, his reply was "youd be suprised"

I'm just shaken my head.

TM, you need to stop this before it gets any deeper than it is.


"what is she supposed to do, walk out"

Tell your wife, no you don't walk out you tell OM:

"I don't feel comfortable talking about your M or anything too personel for that matter. Let's get back to work." If OM askes her questions she should say "that is something that my H and I like to keep between us."


How mad does she get when you talk to her about this?

TM,
Let me be the firs to welcolm tou to MB website.
It's a place noe of us had ever hoped to be, but it is a safe place for you.
I will tell you through my own experience, that the convo between your W and OM is totally inapropriet and must cease immediately.
Your W has crossed a boundary here, that she is probably not even aware of. This type of continued talk about his troubles and hers, and sex, is leading to an emotional affair btween the two of them. You have every right to feel threatened, because that is what you are.
You need to pull your W out of this sitch ASAP, in spite of her protests that they are"just good friends."
Dr. Shirlee Glass has written an entire book about the subject, called, approprietly, "not just friends."
Your w is wlaking the slippery slope right now, and you need to rescue your M. She must quit her job and end all r talks with this Om. If this does not happen, I promise you, this EA will do what they all do, , It will turn to a PA.

Help yourself and your W end this now before it goes any furthur.

I wish you All Blesings,
Jerry

thank you so much, this is killing me..
Well she gets pretty mad and says she cant believe we are having this conversation. The first time I really asked her about it she got all flustered, kinda flared in the chest.
She has a little bit of a temper and I get the feeling like she thought that I had backed her into a corner or something.

She hasnt been out and about as much as I have, x-military, and have had a steady job throughout our marriage. I know how my friends who have gotten divorced act, I've seen many men cheat on there wives, I tried telling her that she just doesnt get it.
She has a tendency to turn it around on me too, like I'm the one that has the problem "am i not supposed to be able to have a conversion with another adult"
I honetly believe that she thinks this M is a good person, and feels sorry for him, but I think that is a recipe for disaster, he has to deal with his own problems (sec marriage failing)
I've got a phone app. with a counselor, I hope I can get some help.
If this were reversed, she'd have me strung up.

TM,

your not wrong, she is. She is too close as it is. That is why she gets mad when you talk to her about it.

My wife worked with a guy and he had M problems. He would talk to her about it and over time an EA started. I busted them on a phone call one day and it was he)) for the next 7-8 months of my life. If I had the chance to change it before it started I would have.

You have this chance now so you must stop it.

Others will come along in a bit to add help also.

Stick around.

Sounds exactly my own W. She was/is "the rescurer." My W was going to rescue this poor OM from his Marital woes and everthing else in his woeful life.
Problem is, it endeded in his bed. Nuff said.

Don't let this continue. Save your M NOW! Before it goes to the next level. It's not so easy when that happens, and if you stand by on the sidelines, trust me, it will go to that level.
Be Strong,

All Blessings,
Jerry

In the next 24 hours - can you get her to commute with you or rideshare ? Have lunch together ? Anyway to insert yourself in the middle is what I am thinking. I am not sure how far gone she is but if you make your presence known - in a non threatening way - he may get the hint. If your wife balks about any of your offers then maybe its further along.

If you don't get yourself in between this sitch; you will have tough road a head of you. I got the same response - its all in my head.

I thought about taking off early and taking her some roses to work. Do you think that will seen as blatantly checking up on her?

Today? No. It's Valentine's Day and would be a good gesture...make her coworkers gush over what a good H you are.

You might even get some alone time with OM and tell him to back off.

Not today - especially. V Day is perfect. In fact - OM may take advantage of the situation if you do not bring flowers. Now that happened to me.

While there - have her give you a tour or meet others etc. anything to make it known your her H. Like putting a face to her H.

so go ahead and let it be about you...

"yeah honey, it might be all just my problem, ok, lets say it is. the bottomline stays the same, cuz i need your help with this problem. i'm feeling _______ (scared, worried, etc.. whatever the strongest feeling is for you) and that feeling is a ____ out of 10 (insert intensity)."

you really need to have a constructive conversation about this in a way that will keep her defenses down.

make it about you, make it about how this is making you feeling, ask for her help.

tell her you need her to rescue you from these scary feelings.

what do you think?

couldn't hurt to bring flowers home too <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

see, i knew flowers was a good idea!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

to the office, even better than at home.

TM:

Your W is following the script that ended up with me in a 4.5 year Physical Affair.

I would talk to the OW as we finished up work (10:30 to 11:00 pm) Just being pleasant. Telling war stories as it were.

We would stand in the cold parking lot. And continue talking.

And then one day, she asked me to kiss her. And off we went.

Your W may not see this. She may still be well within what she feels is proper behavior.

But she isn't far away from ending up in something inappropriate. And this does not mean physical, it could just mean that her emotional attachement grows to a point that she starts hiding things about what they are doing from you.

This man is getting his need for conversation met by talking to your W. And you describe your W discussing all this with you. That is still a strong point in your favor. She is still talking to you.

She is "Helping" this man who is going through a rough patch. That is admirable. But, in this particular case, she does not realize how far she has gone.

You need to change the dynamic when you speak to her about this issue. Keep it relaxed.

Instead of a big fight. You should state:

"I believe that you really want to help this guy"

"I feel uncomfortable with your relationship with him because:

1.
2.
3.

"I feel that he is hurting right now, and you are trying to help. But I feel that a line can be crossed soon, by OM"

AVIOD any "You should" or "You Are" or "You Have Been" statements.


This is a serious rough draft. Others can help better. Ask for SchoolBus. She's great.

The search function isn't great. And there is good info on the emotional needs forum about this.

The flowers are a good idea. And visiting her place of work is a good idea too. Introduce yourself to OM. Try to find out what his wifes name is.
Mention that the divorce thing is tough.

If the OM believes that your W is sharing his secrets with you, he is less inclined to tell her about his troubles.

LG

I thought about talking to him, dont know if that would be a good idea or not though.

Also the counselor I talked to told me that I need to make a stand and set boundaries. I and make her choose, because it is really breaking my heart, I have been totally useless today.
I'm glad I found this forum, I hope this can be fixed.

brillant!!!

I know his wifes name already.

Tired:

You may be asked to call her some day soon. So, keep it under your hat. Do you know a phone number and address? Track it down.

You might need it later.

Deliver those flowers....

Think about what this sounds like, you saying this to your wife.

GC

lousygolfer:

why would I be asked to call her? I got the info.

graycloud:
what do mean, oh I see, it should have been "I tried telling her that, and she just doesnt get it" I didnnt actually tell her that she doesnt get it, bad grammar on my part.

If I meet him it will most likely be in front of my W, how would it sound if I mentioned the D? I bet she would be pissed but I'm really thinking about that one, been pacing like a friggin caged lion..time to fabricate a time sheet...I dont do conflict well.

Not to answer for LG, but here are some thoughts.

Do you know for a *fact* that OM is in the process of a divorce? No, you don't. Your WW told you this. She may be lying to you...or HE may be lying to HER and she is inadvertently passing on the lie to you.

Did you follow that? He might just be telling your WW that he's in the midst of a D in an effort to gain sympathy and make himself seem available. There is a concept on MB called 'exposure', where you tell selected people that there is an affair of some sort going on and asking for their help in stopping it. Affairs are built on lies and deceit, and exposing them to public scrutiny dries up the sneaky secretive romantic aspect of it.

So consider...if OM isn't really getting a D, and you called his W and had a little chat about his pursuit of your W...ya think he might get in a bit of trouble with his missus? Think she might yank on the leash? Or if they really are getting a D...she might want to have a PI follow them around and allege adultery in an effort to get a better settlement.

If the other person has a spouse, that person is generally the prime target for exposure. Both because they are in a direct position to do something about it, and because they hare a right to know about events going on in their lives without their knowledge.

Note that I'm not saying to call OMW yet, but there may come a time soon when you will need to do just that.