Need some help and ALL opinions welcome.

Hears my story, short version:

On January 11th I confronted my wife about her having an affair with OW. She denied the AFFAIR between her and OW and became very angry that I would even think that she was a lesbian, until I presented her with evidence about the AFFAIR. I believe she was in shock that I discovered that she had been posting on a lesbian chat form asking for opinions on her relationship between her and the OW and possibly taking it to the next level, a PA. (In this chat form my wife posted many things that were very hurtful about me, but I love my wife and believe we could save our marriage and move past this A).. I knew something was wrong for several months and after finding this information, I knew why she had been acting so distant and treating me and our 2 kids the way she was.

The OW is the person who hired my wife for the position that she holds. The 2 of them spent a lot of time together the first 6 months because my wife needed trained at her new position. This OW is above my wife in the organization they work for. My wife runs an off site group home and the OW works at the main office. They still have contact because my wife has to go to the main office at least once a week and sometime they are in the same meetings. The OW is 21 years older than my wife.


I am trying to be better husband for my wife and doing my best to meet the emotional needs I failed to meet in the past. My wife has an improved attitude but is still not the woman I married and the lack of affection from her is starting to drive me crazy.

My wife maintains her & the OW are just friends and she would do nothing to hurt our family. That she was not think clearly before and now is. I want to believe her but I DO NOT. I am still trying to find information of and ongoing A but she has stopped posting on the form that I was following so I am in the dark.

I don’t know where to go from here with anything. So all Q and comments are welcome.

Me-35
Her-33
Married-7+
2 kids – 6 year old girl & 3 year old boy


2many?help

Welcome to marriagebuilders. It is a good place to be, under the circumstances.

Your wife must quit her job, and have no contact with the other woman for life. They are not "just friends", and once that line was crossed, ARE a danger to your marriage.

I would also expose the affair at the workplace. Let HR know that your family is being harmed. They will probably take action, because they won't want to face a sexual harrassment lawsuit.

I agree with Believer.

You have to expose the A to her workplace.

Still

Welcome to MB,

Consider a PI. It could save you a lot of money, AND it could save your marriage. If the woman is her supervisor, you need to report them to their superiors.

I am sure there will be others that can help you more, in fact that are a few people whose spouse have had lesbian affairs as yours did.

Hang in there, do some reading and keep asking questions.

God Bless,

JL

Thanks for the responses.

I have wanted to call the OW for about a week now because she continues to call W several times a day to talk about work or that’s what W says. I don’t know if this would be the right thing to do or not. There should be no reason for her to call my W because the W does not work for or under the OW any more due to the merging of 2 agencies. It’s like she just wants to hear my W voice. My W contends it’s her complaining about work and always tells me they are just friends. Right now I don’t trust either but would never tell the W that.

I would like tell OW, W and I are trying to right the mess that they both had done and that I didn't want her pulling her lesbian stunts or anything of the sort again and to quit calling W. If she keeps trying to seduce W, I will make sure that everyone will find out that she's nothing but a desperate lesbian who targets married women. I have nothing to lose from this but OW has everything to lose. Don’t know if this would be the appropriate thing to do?

I guess it would give the OW the heads up about me going to HR or if she tells W, W get pissed.

Thanks for the help.

2many?

It is a waste of time to call the OW. She doesn't care about you or your marriage. It is better not to threaten to inform work, just do it. And yes, your wife will be angry. But your marriage can survive her anger, but may not survive an affair.

Hi 2mqh,

Welcome to MarriageBuilders! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Believer is right. Since they do work together, the first order of business needs to be to end it. Exposure is the way to go. Don't THREATEN exposure, just do it. I learned this the slow painful way.

Thanks all for the information.

I am getting this I think. The only way to end the A is to Expose the A to the Director or CEO of the Co. establish NC and the OW leaving or my wife quitting a job she loves and find a new one. This will not be easy. I feel I need to find more information on an ongoing A. I need to consider a PI I guess but I worry about the cost.

The above would create WW3 in my home and this is a major concern because I do not want to put my 2 children in the middle of this. When I confronted W in Jan. I let her know I did not want to discuss any of this around the kids. What to do, what to do.

I need to really do some sole searching and decide how to proceed. I know what I need to do but HOW.

Thanks all,

@M?H

Hey 2M?h,

I also juggled with the fact that I had to make my WS leave a job she loves. But it had to be done. Yes, she was mad as ****** for the first few weeks, but has since calmed down about it.

Think if it this way. WW3 in your home will happen, whether or not you expose. Expose and end the A and you have a chance to save your M. Or you can NOT expose and leave it as it is and probably see your marriage go down the drain. If you worry about the kids, maybe have them stay over at a relatives place for the weekend or something. THis is why family support will be important, and why your families should be told as well so they don't resent you and think you're pushing your kids onto them.

You need PROOF of the affair first. You can't expose what you SUSPECT only, management will throw it (and you) out the door, your wife will get mad and say you're making it all up. Some people hire PIs, some prefer the cheaper DIY methods (GPS trackers, keyloggers for emails etc). Read up and see what works best for you

Cheers

Dev - Thanks for the info.

I will be looking for the PROOF I need to confirm the A.

This will not be easy but I will continue to dig. I will also try and play the dumb H that has no clue and still attempt to meet her emotional needs. Maybe she will get careless and leave her laptop open or home from work so I can do some digging.

Thanks all.

2M?H

What kind of relationship does/did you WW have with her mother?

hopeandpray

My W was adopted when she was 6 weeks old. She spent the first 6 weeks with foster parents. This past year or so she had a desire to find her birth mother. I supported her through this process both emotional and financially. Looking back I could have been more emotionally supportive.

I told W to be prepared for the reality that her birth mother could be not what she envisioned. She did find her birth mother and the birth mother turned out to be somewhat of a dead beat. My W has visited her birth mother on several occasion (out to dinner 3 times) and birth mother had become very demanding of W. W has limited her contact to email between the 2 and does not know how she is going to proceed with her. W also expressed a desire to find birth father.

The mother and father that adopted her kept her sheltered, trying to protect her (I think they were afraid they would lose her) and W seem to resent that. She and her adopted mother talk maybe once a week now and at one point 2 years ago they did not talk for several months.

Hope this answers your Q.

Thanks,

2m?h

Did you save the chat logs? Sometimes workplace affairs are hard to prove, but if you can't get anymore info, I would expose with the chat logs. You can get a voice activated digital recorder, and try and listen in to her phone conversations with OW, but that is illegal and you can only use the info to find further proof of the A.

TMQH

Your WW is looking for a "mother-daughter" relationship. She is disappointed at what she found when she found birth mother and is looking for a replacment. The OW on the other hand is looking for a lesbian partner and is likely a predator and has done this before with younger women.

My EX WW was adopted also (still doesn't know real birth mother or father) and the parents who adopted her while they love her really aren't affectionate, listening, type parents (much more cerebral, one a physician and one computer engineer). I know, to some degree, the serial cheating, lying, predatorial OM that my EX WW has fallen for is her looking for a father figure. He is 23 yrs older than she is.

This is why I asked the question about your WW. She needs counseling in the worst way. Not just M counseling but IC.

hopeandpray

I have suggested she should seek counseling for her issues (if that’s the word) concerning the birth mother. She said she does not need counseling and would just work out her issues on her own. Now, when I ask about birth mother, she gets very upset. She told me last mother’s day she went to the card store looking for a card for her birth mother but could find nothing appropriate, and left store crying. She just told me this 2 weeks ago.

I see what you are saying and will try to encourage her to seek counseling.

The search process was done through Catholic charities and they offered counseling, but W told them NO. I might contact them and see if they have any suggestions about getting W into counseling.

Thanks,

2m?h

hopeandpray

When W went through the search process she did not want her adopted mother to know. Too this day over a year later adopted mother still does not know that W has found her birth mother.

Birth mother told W if she ever wants to find birth mother to please let her know. W said she is afraid of hurting her feelings?

2m?h

I need help, please.

I will be the first to admit I did not do the Exposure right. I was still in the process of learning how to expose and plan A but found information and had to confront WW out of fear. I guess you could say I hit the panic button. I have been in Plan A since mid January. We have two kids DD6 and DS 3. WW spends very little time with them or me. She continues to stay at work late and goes out for a drink with “friends” more like “OW” once a week or every other. She is where she says but with me home taking care of the kids. I can’t go in the bar and see if WW is with the OW or other people or who. I don’t even know if it would be a good idea to go in and see who she is with.

On Thursday I caught WW in a lie. She tried to go back and cover-up but she is not fooling me. On Friday, she goes off on me for checking up on her at work (the lie) and how she can’t live in a relationship where I don’t thrust her. I said how can I trust when you continues to lie (BIG LB, SORRY). Well it turned in to her going off on me. I remained calm and told I just want her to be honest with me about everything. This was in front of our kids. I calmly told her this was not the time to discuss this with the kids around. She told me we would have no further discussion on this and she has spoke to me very little since Friday. I don’t know what to do. I know she is cake eating, fence sitting and still in a BIG FOG.

I messed up the Exposure part from the start, I know that. Since I confronted about OW. I have been in Plan A and trying to locate information of an ongoing EA and possibly a PA, I do not believe a PA has happened yet. WW has for the most part gone dark. I do check phone records and I know WW and the OW talk several times a day, WW says they are work related calls (I don’t believe her) and they pass at the main office maybe once a week that I know.

I am kind of lost with what to do? Continue plan A but go back and expose the right way? Prepare a Plan B? I still feel I need concrete proof of a continued A. So, I can do the Exposure the Right way @ work and to whom else? Now I need some help with the Exposure. I know it needs to be right and needs to everyone be to everyone?.

Just feel like a doormat most days. I worried about the kids and how this is all affecting them and how should I be protecting them. They are young but they know something is not right with WW.

Any input would be greatly appreciated.

I do have a few Q for a few that have helped Dev. I have been following his thread.

Thanks for any input.

2m?h

Expose. You said you didn't do it right...so do it right.

Owl

I want to expose but I still am searching for evidence that proves that they are more than “just friends & coworkers”. I think WW is in an EA and all the signs point to it.

I am getting things in line, any suggestions who besides people at the Co. to expose to?

Thanks,

2m?h

You don't have to know the gory details only that OW is interferring with the potential happiness of your M to WW and that you and your children need it to stop.

First and foremost, document all of this in the event things don't work out and you need to seek full custody of the children. You need to protect your children from your WW's mental outlook on life. She is in dire need of counseling, imo.

How about hiring a PI to track OW and WW for a week to get absolute proof of the time they spend together. What about cell phone statements, emails, etc.