My fiance have been engaged for about eights and normally we have a really good relationship. But lately it's arguement after arguement. We only ever argue about the one thing his child's mother. We live in a different country from her and after we moved in together she started calling all hrs of the night, 3, 4,5 times per day. I asked to tell her not to call so late anymore becuase i think its really rude she's on the same time line as me. i got us both cell phones and after she realise that its not normal credit phones she sends msg's all the time asking him to call. its not like he's talking to his daughter its her that wants to talk. i got a phone with atleast 2 calls every day for a mth. I was really upset because that ridiculous. So he put a stop to million calls. Now she doesn't call as often but she wants to discuss personal things, and when does call once a week now sometimes its 3x for the day.
This was after we had an arguement and i said i was leaving because i feel like i'm competing with someone in another country. He refuses to even tell her we're getting married and yet i'm going to be his daughters step mother.
He said to me he has a daughter and i can choose to be apart of her life or not. IS THAT NORMAL? i'm so confused as to where i stand. she started the phone call again on monday i was right there she called 3 times. it was what was doing and why was he busy today? I got so bad. He says he wants to have a good relationship with her for his child?
But it seems that this is gonna b at my expense. I'm so tired of all of this? He has told me that his child will always be the most important thing in his life? So basically he's saying to me that as long as my needs don't conflict with hers everything is good. I WOULD REALLY LIKE SOMEONE WITH A CHILD TO ANSWER ME THIS. IS THIS HOW IT WORKS WHEN YOU GO IT A RELATIONSHIP AND ONLY A COUPLE MTHS AWAY FROM MARRIAGE YOUR FH OR FW IS ALWAYS GONNA B SECOND. i don't mean he's to love her anyless or n ot do as much as he can. But the obvious thing his her mom gets to do as she please because she's the mother of his child and his child must come before everything. there her mom must never be put in her place or chastised because we don't want to be upset. When we have children are my children gonna be treated equally or are they gonna be second. Because right now i feel anything to do with me will be second and even more so because i can manage without him supporting me which she can't...

I'm sorry this is so long i just really need some advice and he won't do counselling.

Hey,

There is a real issue here, you are not being unreasonable. You better get some outside (counseling) help before marriage. Seriously, there are some boundarie issues that need to be dealt with or your marriage will not last or even happen.

Have you looked around for some pre-marrital conseling? I think it's so important especially when there was a previous marriage and child involved. This is not an easy path you are going to take. Go in it with your eyes wide open!

I agree, this IS a major issue...you should seek some type of counseling...

I would NOT do this to my H should something happen to our M...calling at all hours...

I understand where you are coming from, not b/c of the same issue but different ones...you are within your right to feel this way...

Give your M, should you decide to go throught with it a fighting chance...seek help...

Well, that part is <kind of> normal, although I would think he would want you to be part of her life! Perhaps he worded it badly.

This part isn't normal, however:





Tish, are you sure they're legally divorced?

Something sounds a bit odd here, and I'm glad you are considering a hold on the wedding plans. Marriage can be hard enough without these problems. If they aren't dealt with, the problems will grow exponentially once you marry.

Hi Tish,

I'm a divorced dad with a daughter too.

I don't think your man is being reasonable. If he wants to marry you, he needs to care about you - and caring for you means, in part, protecting you from his ex-wife - and being committed to you as a higher priority than his ex-wife.

There is no reason he would have to talk all that much to his ex.

It sounds like she's just trying to break they two of you apart - and if she succeeds, chances are, she'll stop calling him.

Can you give us some more information?

Are you two living together?

Did you know him while he was still married?

Have you ever met his daughter?

How old is the child?

Does he ever visit the child?

How involved was he in the child's life?

I have my child 10 overnights each month. It would be very difficult for me to move far away from her. On the ohter hand, it seems that your man did just that. I really have to question how much he cares about the child. It seems to me that he just enjoys talking with his ex-wife and is using the child as an excuse.

I certainly would not encourage a wedding while this issue remains unresolved.

-AD

the thing is they weren't married. But they were together on and off for 7yrs. She lives in Jamaica and he moved to the Caymans for work reasons.They stop talking a year he says before we met. She said she was going into the church so the couldn't be living together unmarried. When she found out he was seeing me she was really upset because she thought that he was going come back and marry her.

we been living to gether for over a year now. I think her behaviour is really odd but he swears its not and she doesn't mean anything.

No i never knew him while they where together I was living in another country. I've never met his daughter and he use to see her often but because of some very complicated issues he hasn't seen her for 2 yrs. He did ask her mom to get her passport so she could come and see. to date nothing is happening. He will be goin to see her in april though.

His daughter is 5yrs old.

This guy has red flag written all over him.

1 he won't acknowledge your engagement.

2 he very easily compartmentalizes his life.

3 he has a child he seems to have more or less abandoned.

4 he has not severed intimacy with his former gf.

These are big headline news issues ..I hope you don't diminish them to satisfy your in love felings.

Remember marry in haste repent in leisure.

He sounds like a liability not an asset.

He also sounds like a liar.

He didn't marry her in seven years...does that not speak volumes to you...

I'm really concerned now...

Tiah...please watch out for yourself...I'm not feeling good about this...

Regarding his child he couldn't leave the country he had wait until he sort some problems that came up with the government and it wasn't worth the hassle or the expense to try and sort it sooner. He sent money twice to his child's passport so she could come and spend a couple mth with him. Her mom spent the moeny both times and never did anything.He supports them financial because she decided to quit her job and hasn't worked since because she knows that he support his child hence her too.

I did talk about marriage but he said it wasn;t serious. I think he only stayed with her because of his child. but they seemed to loads of problems.

And let the rationalizations begin...

Do you have any idea what it would take to FORCE me to leave the counrty without my children?

I have no investment in your decision...but you are clearly in denial.

You are filling in the gaps and taking excruciatingly questionable answers as facts.

I suspect that the halt to marriage plans may have more to do with attempting for leverage than a genuine concern about the character of the man.

The point i'm trying to make is that he didn't abandon his child. unless u've lived in the cayman islands did u would quite say the same thing about leaving the country without your child. It is exactly encourage for u to come here with family.

As for your assumption that i'm calling halt to my wedding plans for leverage. would u marry someone in this condition

This is what your marriage will be like if you marry him. See, dating is a TEST DRIVE for marriage. You test out the car to see what kind of drive it will be. Your car has a loud knocking in the engine. So, you have a choice, you can drive a car with a loud knocking in the engine or you can choose another car. But...that is the only part of this analogy that WORKS, because while you can fix the car, YOU CANNOT "FIX" A MAN to suit your personal needs/tastes.

So, if this is the kind of marriage you want, you should marry him and accept his XG and daughter and take your place as #2 in his life. He has clearly told you that is where you fall in the order of priority. He has TOLD YOU this will be your LOT in life.

If you marry him knowing this, you have forfeited the right to gripe about a position for which you volunteered. It is your choice, Tish.

Absolutely not.

I would also not look to excuse behavior that I wouldn't find acceptable if applied to me.

He did abandon the child. Think about it without trying to defend him for a moment.

The child lives in country A...he moves to country B...it is very difficult to get child from A to B.

Now let's be veeeeery generous and say he was ignorant at the time that he moved.

There was TWO YEAR gap in which the child did not see him and his explanation as you have delivered it?

It wasn't worth the "hassle" or the "expense".

Unless you are excited about finding yourself or your children described similarly [not worth the trouble of fill in the blank] this all by itself is enough to call a permanent halt for me.

Let's move on.

She was obviously expecting him to return and marry her.

Again...without growing defensive of his honor...yu don't find that odd?

He clearly failed to end that relationship and you are taking his paltry word that the situation is as he describes it.

Don't be tooooooo quick to dismiss her expectations or obvious pursuit as her own crazy behavior. She mat view you as the other woman.

Let me ask you something...what is stopping you from walking away from this obvious mistake and finding a more suitable...less sketchy individual?

How is it that you find yourself so roped and enmeshed you can't just let go?

Wow, did you actually believe all that? REALLY? That is not even good bullcrap.