HI,

I'm new to Marriage Builders, but have been reading the articles, but am having trouble relating.

My background:
I have been married to my W for 14 months - no kids, just a dog, but we have been together for 8 years. W has been with me since she was 19, I am now thirty. We have been through everything together - traveling, graduation, living together for 5 years, etc.

My Situation:
My wife has had a difficult time finding steady employment until September of this year for the last 4 years. In September she finally found a job that made her feel important, but, as I have come to learn, is full of young, single people. Roughly Dec. 13th I noticed a change in my wife and by the next week she admitted she may have feelings for another man after I caught her talking on Instant Messenger at 9:30pm at night. Needless to say, I was absolutely heartbroken. She had mentioned to me over the past couple months that she was unhappy, but at no point sat me down and made a point of it. It was usually said in the "heat of a battle" and unfortunately I never took her seriously. I had so many other things going on, I put the thing that matters the most to me on the backburner ( I was working very hard, more thasn usual, trying to provide a better life for us).

Well, Over the next 3 weeks that followed, I tried everything to show my wife how much she meant to me. She would not show me any affection really and was staying out all night every Friday night, saying she was at a friends house. Well, after the 3 weeks of ******, I finally found out she spent the night at his house, to which I promptly kicked her out of our house. At the time she said nothing happened, but I later found out that to be untrue and she slept with him. The week she was kicked out I found on her phone text messages saying "I want to be with you", "I want to see you", "Please let me come over", etc. to this other man the following Sat. morning when I asked her to come back home (she came back home that friday, 5 days after "the incident"). This tore a hole in me the size of Texas. She was everything to me and to see this was absolutely gut wrenching and horrible. The following 4 weeks were horrible and she treated my worse than I can possibly imagine, saying she hated me, didn't want to be with me and that our wedding was a mistake. She was never nice. Supposedly the guy stopped seeing her because he feared me and his job as I wrote him a few emails as did her parents. He responded to her Dad saying he has kept my W as far from him as he could and only on a professional level and has even tried to ignore her. This was 2 weeks after "the incident"

Well, my W moved out 9 days ago saying she needed to figure herself out, and that our environment was not healthy for either of us, which I agreed with, but did not want her to leave. I was still willing to try and work out our marriage, but she wasn't.

Present day: W has been out and it has been the longest, loneliest 9 days of my life. I am in the deepest darkest hole you could ever imagine. Over the past 9 days she has asked to talk and even watch TV one night. Every time we talk, she is aggravated and treats me horribly. She broke our plans to hangout, even though I told her the day before it would kill me and I wouldn't be able to handle the disappointment if she didn't show. This weekend we saw each other briefly, but it wasn't very pleasant. Sunday she even admitted to me to going to see a movie with another guy a work, who she insists is a friend and has absolutely no interest in "I slept with one guy at work, I'm not going to make that mistake again" she said. Still, I felt this not only to be inappropriate, but very hurtful. If she would of went with me, it would of made my week. But at this point, she doesn't want to talk or see me, but still wants to be married. I told her I would divorce her if she wanted, but she said no. On Sunday she said we could spend V-Day together, only to say later that night, "I don't think so". I even asked her if I could take her to lunch today and she said no. She went with the guy she cheated on me with and a few others, even though she has been saying for weeks that she no longer has any personal communicastion with him, which she recently admitted "well, not really". She has admitted that she has not stopped talking to this man, just not "seeing him" anymore. I believe her because he is truly afraid of losing his job and understand what he is doing is wrong (he's much older and wiser than her). It's so sad, because after 8 years together I never thought she was remotely capable of what she did or how she is subsequently acting and the thought of infidility killed her and she damned anyone we knew who did it. No one can believe that this has happened (family, friends, etc.) She was not that kind of person...well I guess I can throw that out the window. We are both VERY close to our own families and each others.

I know, most people are reading this saying "what a sap, what is wrong with this guy, hello?, move on dude, what is your problem?". I just love her so much and know what a unbelievable intelligent, caring, beautiful person she was, up until this all happened. I think she has been exposed to this unprofessional work environment where guys are giving her tons of attention and she did what she did and just had her world flipped upside down and needs to find herself again. I must admit, the last 6 months prior to Dec, I was distant and not showing her enough attention and affection, but there were numerous issues in my/our life that caused a large amount of stress in my life and I took her for granted, but is no excuse for what she has done to me. I will/would never win husband of the year, but I am a caring guy, make great money, always provided for her and never said no to her for anything. I gave her everything. Still would if she recommitted herself to me. Over the last 10 days since she left she went from saying she wanted to see me and making plans, to breaking those plans,to just a phone call, then to emails...now I don't even get those. She says she needs space, and I have been givingher as much as I can. Its just so hard. I am on a mild anti-dep, but it doesnt seem to be helping much (week 3).

I just don't know what to do from here. I love her so much and just want the chance to show her how great I can be, but she won't let me. Every time I try to talk to her, it backfires and she just ends up mad at me or aggravated, pushing her farther away. I would give anything to just have the chance at my life back. I understand it would be a long road of forgiveness and trust, but I am willing to try and see if I can do it. I guess this is just my official cry for help. I have been seeing a therapist since this all started, first for myself, but now for both myself and my situation. He told me I need to focus on myself and quit going back to the person who is hurting me, even though she is really the only one who can make me better. I am now alone for the first time in my life, I have no friends that live remotely close and spend most of my free time crying. Sad, huh? I work from home and am basically stuck in my own personal jail.

Any advice on what I should do? I don't want a divorce, but I can't live like this anymore. I'm literally dying here. I've lost 30 lbs and have no motivation to do anything. I really want my wife back and just a chance to see if we can make it work. We made it work just fine for 8 years. She thinks we are "not right for each other", but yet doesn't want a divorce. It's like she wants her cake and eat it too. We have all the same goals, enjoy most of the same activities, love animals, etc. I believe we couldnt be more right for each other.

Can it work if only one wants it to? No. But what can I do to show her I have changed and make her want to come back??... I literally think I am losing my mind....

help!

Hi brother,

I didn't read every word of your post, but I get the essense of it.

I think it is possible for your marriage to be recovered, but it's going to take a lot of time. Right now, you need to take care of yourself.

It is usually recommended that a man in your situation immediately stop any begging, pleading, crying, whining etc. to your wife. Those things are not going to help you.

There are some "quickstart guides" somewhere around here that would help.

Hang on!

There are people here who have been in your shoes.

I know you're hurting and you want to stop the pain ASAP, but unfortunatly it takes time and patience.

It is usually recommended that a person in your situation go get some anti-depressant medications. Your ordinary physician will often presecribe them if you go pay him/her a visit. That will help get control of yourself so that you can form a plan.

ONE BIG THING.

Taking ACTION will feel good to you. If the action is also a smart action, it will help your case. Be sure to avoid those actions which will hurt your chances.

One of the things you can DO - is start getting out and doing things. I know, you don't feel like it. It's like trying to learn to juggle while the house is on fire. But both for yourself and for your W's perception of you, just sitting around and crying is a bad strategy.

So, reconnect with some old buddies (NOT WOMEN), reignite an old hobbie, join something (choir, band, political group, drama club whatever). Get busy and stay busy. That will help.

Stay tuned here.

-AD

Vince:

If you have the time...

Read LilSis thread about "OW is cunning and manipulative and claws in deep"

She has a sitch that could speak volumes about many of the issues you are facing.


Learn about Plan A.

Thats what you need to do now.

Pick yourself up, and get ready to fight.


Hang around, lots of help here...

Vince,

While I agree it is possible to save this marriage, the real question is SHOULD it be saved. Barring something unusual happening to her, she seems to feel entitled to do as she wishes. You two do NOT have children, and you have been married less than a year and a half.

I could offer convenient "what if's" but I think you really understand that the woman you love is NOT the woman you are married to and the woman you love may or may not come back.

So what to do? Run off and file for divorce? Nope, not even if you think divorce is a good things. The first thing you do is read the articles on this site. Then you gain access to a couple of Harley's books Surviving an Affair and His Needs Her Needs and you read them.

You don't call her, you don't worry about you, you hunker down and read. Then you come back here and ask lots of questions. You learn about plan A, you learn about plan B, you learn about needs, you learn about the policies of joint agreement, and radical honesty. You learn about the 4 rules of a good marriage.

You see whether or not this marriage makes it, what you learn here will help your next marriage or the one you rebuild with your W. Frankly, leaving might be a good idea, but NOT without knowledge, not without trying to safe it. You do these things for you.

One thing you need to know, you cannot end an affair. You cannot change her. You can shed light on the affair by exposing it to enfluencial people in her life. You most simply have to wait it out until: the affair ends or you tire of it and decide to end the marriage.

So read, learn, read some more, learn, ask lots of questions. This part of things is about you and increasing your knowledge base and relational tool set. You will be amazed how your perspective on things will change NO MATTER what she does or decides.

Please think about this carefully.

God Bless,

JL

Thanks for the replies.

I am taking everything you all say to heart and will try and do everything I can. I know I need to take care of myself right now.

I just don't want to give up on my wife and the marriage we have and relationship we had for 8 amazing years. This came on VERY sudden. I miss and love her still so much.

Here it is Valentines day. She emailed me earlier saying she would call me this afternoon...I know its not going to happen and am prepared for it. She was supposed to come over tonight, as we had talked about it multiple times over th past two weeks...until Sunday night, she said "I don't know if I am coming". Hurts.

"I know, most people are reading this saying 'what a sap, what is wrong with this guy, hello?, move on dude, what is your problem?'."

Wanting to keep your wife doesn't make you a sap, but keeping the door open for her while she sh*ts on you does.

You jump at every opportunity to see your wife. This makes you very unattractive. She's claimed all the power over the fate of your marriage and you're going along with it. This lowers your status. You'll do whatever she wants. You'll take any opportunity to prove your value to her and you desperately seek her approval.

None of these things makes you attractive. You try to be a swell, agreeable guy, but it just gets you stepped on and that's going to continue unless you change some things.

Do like JL says. Study up.

Then divorce her if *YOU* want to, not if she wants you to.

My opinion: your wife is not marriage material.

But if you want to save your marriage you have to be attractive. Disagreeable jerks aren't attractive. Agreeable weiners aren't attractive.

Cheerful guys who are thoughtful but sometimes a little self-centered and aloof are *very* attractive - because they are calling the shots. Women can come along for the ride or they can stay behind. If they stay behind it's their loss.

You can't control or manipulate your wife. You can only alter the playing field by changing your behavior in ways that make you a better man regardless of the outcome.

GC

The thing is, 10 weeks ago she was talking about having my children.

I truly believe she is just mixed up right now and has no idea what to do or understand why she did what she did. She is also being filled with thoughts of the single life and that she shouldnt be married from her friends and others at work. Yes, I guess that makes her weak.....

As far as her being marriage material: she was for 8 years. She was unbelievable. It's almost like she snapped. How can someone change so quickly? Its not like I saw this coming for a year or ever. Anytime we heard of or saw infedility on a movie it would sicken both of us to the point where she would turn off the movie or berade the person who committed it (has happenned in my family).

Also:
Where can I find Plan A and Plan B. I can't seem to find it anywhere...just questions about them.

Plan A and plan B...

Here's a good post with lots of links:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...part=1&vc=1

My wife and I were married for 10 years before her affair. We were quite happy. I was a good husband. I thought my wife was a kind, intelligent, wonderful woman.

I'll abstain from making my judgement of her now. I'd like to forgive her someday. I'd like for her to make amends. But she won't.

Affairs bring out the absolute worst in people. The worst of the worst.

GC

Hi Vincestrong

I am no expert but I'll give you my opinion.

You might be right, she's too guilty to be with you or face you... so she hangs out with those who validate her. You being nice makes her feel even worst.

Dont take to heart most of what she says. That's WW talking. She'll try to make up history and make you the bad guy... all to validate her actions and not face her feelings of guilt.

Tha's why you need to be strong and show her you can move on.

She mitgh be or not me marriage material. Right now she's not your W, she's your WW. There's a big difference.

Please read as much as you can, follow the good advice you already got here.

Did you exposed at her office? Is that OM married?

Glad you found MB, it's a great place to get lots of help and support.
Wish you the best.

I am struggling with right now whether or not to expose her at work and HOW to do it. Any advise?

The OM is NOT married.

VS,

Wow, do I see some similarities in your sitch and with mine. Mine is still ongoing with my W getting ready to move out and she has filed for D.

Welcome aboard and start preparing yourself for a long and bumpy ride with some highs and a lot of lows.

You are reading posts and articles and probably still don't have any idea what the heck this all is about. Plan A? Plan B? Huh?. Yup, I was there too just 7 short weeks ago.

The essence of Plan A is to start making improvements to yourself. Every little thing will count. And, she will notice, but will not let you know that she has. Start eating better (I know right now, you are not hungry), go to the gym, get a new haircut, new clothes, new cologne...whatever...just start doing things for you.

Regarding your wife in Plan A, start making her priority....but don't over do it. You do not want to seem CLINGY. They hate that right now. When you see her, offer to do something for her, start cleaning up where you live, occasionally, leave a "thinking of you" card for her (just not too mushy). Someone posted, think of Plan A as a very long first date.

Don't say "I love you" to her. She doesn't want to hear that. Why? Because right now, she doesn't love you. She is thinking of her and the OM...and that is it.

You will hear that an affair is like drug addiction. Send me an email, and I will send you my little dissertation on that subject from my own experience.

And for the LOVE OF GOD..CLEAR ALL OF YOUR INTERNET CACHE files when done reading for a time. I made that mistake and it costs me big time.

When your wife talks to you right now, just remember that she is not your wife. You don't know who she is. What comes out of her mouth is nonsense, even when they are calm and appear to be rational.

Do not get angry with what she says. Do not try to argue back. Do not yell or call her names. Just remain calm. You have to be a Jedi Master during this. If you get frustrated, do not show it. Be upbeat and happy, even if you are not on the inside.

Plan A is about making you a better person, and also showing your wife what she has to come back to.

It is a hard road. I hit rockbottom this last weekend. It was bad. I have never felt pain like that before. But, I got thru it and am now moving forward.

Hang in there. I am just an email away

goverticl@aol.com

And one other thing. I know right now that you don't want to hear the "well, you have been married a short time and have no kids, are you sure it wouldn't be best to walk away?"

Keep in mind, it is UP TO YOU whether or not to decide if you want to try and save the marriage. No one else.

Personally, I don't buy the argument that just because the M is short or you have no kids, that it is better to cut your losses. Some do, some do not. It is up to you.

I feel your pain, because I am living it now.

All-

Well, I found out that the affair is NOT over and she was with him V-Day and spent the night with him. She maintains that she has not seen him outside of work in a month, as he has not wanted to see her, but she admitted she has been trying to see him. He finally gave on V-Day after her begging and his loneliness. I'm not sure what to believe or if it even matters. So she did move out so she could try and continue the affair. She moved out because she thought that would tell the other man that she has left her husband and that it is now OK to see her. How stupid am I? I thought she seriously wanted and needed space and that she would work on us.


SO-

I have exposed the affair at work to her management.

She promptly came over at lunch and told me she "hates me, despises me, we are not right for each other, i have nothing for you in my heart, i hate you more, you sucked the life out of me, i have thought of leaving you before this happened" etc. etc. etc.

I believe that I have now lost my wife for good. She has convinced herself that i am not right for her and that we can never be together and happy.

Am I right to believe that this is over, or is this a normal reaction? She was very convincing and she is young and immature and wants to be single anyways. She doesn't want to be married. She doesn't love me or even like me anymore.

What are my next steps here...HELP!!!

Good.


We've heard it all before.


No.


Yes.


We've heard THAT before, 2.


Have you read up on plan A? It takes a while 2 get good at it. But you will.

-ol' 2long

The pain of this is severe, you must have had a really hard time with all of this. I'm sorry you went through that.

As far as your exposure, that was great. You did the right thing, and I probably would have exposed to her parents as well. The pressure of all people around them (she and the om) despising their actions is one of the most powerful forces you have to ending this affair.

Ignore her reaction. All of us BS's that exposed went through it and thought 'oh sh#t my spouse hates me now'. Justify these things you do as 'protecting your family', not getting revenge.

The best thing you can do is read up on Plan A and start making changes in yourself. You cannot change her, but you can be a lighthouse in the fog for her. Be someone she will respect, not a mat that she can clean her feet upon.

I exposed the affair to her parents back in January. Unfortunately they live 6 hours away.

My wife's parents live in Europe, and it was my mother-in-law that was my greatest ally. It isn't about how close they are, it's about them KNOWING, and your WW being made to see the reality of her choices by those around her.

You did good, VS, you did good. No worries on her reaction. It is hard to take and you will think "Crap...I just blew it".
Did she say that "any chance of reconciliation os now gone?" Did she say "The past x years together have been the worst of my life and I don't know why I ever married you and that I would have been better off if I had never met you"?

She will get over this, sooner than you think. This is all Fog-speak anyway. Just ignore it and be upbeat.
You are on the right track.

Dog-

You couldn't be more right. She said exactly those things...to a tee!

But I truly believe she believes that I am no good for her...I really do. This whole thing has been going on for 3 months....I'm pretty much done. I am not keeping any hope alive. If it happens...(her coming back)...I'll take it as it comes ans see where I am at. I can't let myself be hurt be her anymore....

vince:

You're feeling that way now, and it's understandable. What you will realize, though, is that with time, your ability 2 hang tough while you WW is behaving like a fool will improve.

In the end, no matter what she does, you want 2 be able 2 look back on the choices YOU made during this hard time and have no regrets.

-ol' 2long