Sometimes it is tough to swallow, but it is like taking Nyquil...you gotta do it. It sucks, but that is how it is.

I know what you are going through. I felt exactly the same way. Just hang tough and keep working on yourself, keep busy, go out with friends.

And, it is ok to let to go. You don't have to give up hope or keep fighting for your M, but you can let go and move forward. If there is something that I have learned throughout my ordeal, is that doing that is OK. It is one of the hardest things to do, but you will feel better and be in a better frame of mind to continue the fight.

The most unfortunate part in all this is she continues to want to be with OM. she asked me yesterday for phone records and any other info I have on other man as I had hired a PI to find out that the affair was going on. She wants to know what OM says about her and how he truly feels about her. I told her its quit evident he doesn't care about you if he continues to see a MARRIED woman despite the pleas and wants from her family and her husband. He doesn't care about her, just satisfying his sexual needs.

How sad is that? This OM must have magical powers over her or something. She had completely snapped.

No, it is not healthy. It is a train wreck waiting to happen and she doesn't see it. She is going to be hurt very bad by this whole thing.

Here is what happens with a spouse who is commiting adultery.

The experts pretty much all agree that this is parallel to a drug addiction. When they first meet and start developing a relationship, it is like that first high that someone experiences when they use a highly addictive drug, like crack or heroin. The spouse feels giddy, euphoria, happiness, have strong physical (read sexual) desires when they are together. This will intensify as the relationship progresses.
When they are apart, the spouse will start to "come down". Minor depression kicks in thrown in with guilt over what is going on. But, they can't stop it. The spouse feels like they NEED to see that person again in order to feel happy.

Because of the guilt, the spouse will start to revise the marital history in order to justify what they are doing.

In my sitch, here is what happened. Two or three weeks before Christmas is when this all started happening. WS would come home in the morning and she told me she met our upstairs neighbor. This progressed with more and more talk about him. I would notice that she would be very happy in the morning, but by evening time she would be little down and withdrawn.

When she first told me she wanted a divorce, it started out with, "The past few months I have not been happy". This coincides with her starting work at the coffee place and me working a million jobs. We hardly saw each other. Some days, it would be maybe 30 minutes. Her days off didn't jive with mine.

As this saga progressed, it went from being unhappy the past few months, to the past couple of years to now she is saying that the last 7 years were the worst of her life and she doesn't know why she married me.

This behavior from a spouse commiting adultery is well documented by the way. Coupled with the depression, anger and anxiety which she is displaying (which have been well documented also), this is your run of the mill affair.

When that the relationship progressed to the physical level she did have a brief moment of clarity. That is why she was depressed the following morning. What happens is, after the deed is done, she felt incredibly guilty over it. She knows she crossed the line (again). Usually, after it happens, they vow to stop it, etc...This more than likely explains why she was on the couch in the morning as opposed to spending the rest of the night with him.
But, this is like an addiction. And usually within a small time frame,they will feel like they NEED to see the other person again.

You WS mind hasn't "snapped" per se, but she is definitely fog bound. Just remember, she is not the person you married. As they say here, she has been abducted by aliens and is living on the mother-ship.

On other words, you are in the real world and she is out in left field right now.

Minor correction, based on a convo that my W and I had after d-day, where she acknowledged that the A is "like an addiction."

Affairs aren't "like" an addiction. They ARE a very real chemical addiction 2 things like dopamine, that make us feel "high", i.e., upbeat.

-ol' 2long

True, true. Need to take in account all the chemical reactions going on in the brain. Thanks!

VS,

Hang tuff. I know you aren't able to eat or sleep or think rationally right now, but it does become a manageable situation.

Read some of DogFood's early posts to see what the process looks like. It takes a while to "get" the concepts, but you have already seen that someone who has been a BS can predict, almost moment by moment, what will happen or be said next. It only feels unique, but every A has the same general components to it. That's why you can come up with a plan that works. You don't have to reinvent anything, it has all happened before and will again.

There's nothing new under the sun...

Mark

Well, I believe I have executed Plan A in so many ways, but I was doing the "crying, sad spouse, I love you constantly, I've changed" bit because I found this website too late. I have exposed the affair to everyone I can and no am in no contact mode which I believe is the start of Plan B. This day 2. I miss my old wife so much. Its funny to read about how WS's act, because when this all started back in December, we (her family and me) were all like "i dont even know her anymore, what has happened to her, etc."

Isn't there some sort of letter that accompanies Plan B? I'm not even sure I can ever reconcile with my WW, but I'm so weak mentally right now and no motivation to do anything I think I might as well try it.

Any tips, pointers or words of encouragement would be appreciated.

Thanks,
VS
______________
Married 10/2005
Together since 5/1999
Lived together for 5 years.
EA - Early December
D-Day - Jan. 5th 2007 and Feb 15th 2007.

Sample Plan B letters.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...e=2#Post1014988

Vince,

Your situation sounds a lot like mine. It seems to me that you have been executing plan A for quite some time now to no avail. Sure, it may not have been the best plan A, but it is impossible for any of us to execute a perfect plan A given the emotional distress. I want you to know that I heard the exact same things from my WW when I exposed, but my WW's A ended and we are currently in recovery. The A is causing her to say these things. Kill the A, and you will have a chance to save your M.

I would recommend phone counseling with SH to get a PLAN of action. What did your WW's employer say? Are they going to do anything about it? Have you exposed to OM's family? You don't know who they are? Find them. My parents would kick my *ss if they ever found out I was fooling around with a married woman. Have you cut your WW off financially? Do you make considerably more that she does? Where does she stay and does she pay for it? Cut her off of your insurance, and make sure she has to pay for everything. When I stood up and kicked my WW out of the house, cut her off, told her I was never talking to her again, and that I was filing for D, she made a quick 180 and ended it with OM. She called him a few times afterwards and still is in the fog somewhat, but things are improving. It is my opinion that you should take back the power in your relationship and keep your WW from taking your for granted and walking all over you. I would counsel with the Harley's to see what they said, but I think if you went completely dark, she may snap out from the fog.

I am awaiting word from WW's employer as she was emailed late Friday. I do not know OM's family but am working on finding out. Any suggestions?

WW is cut off financially and I make more than she does, but not a ton. I am cutting off her health insurance as soon as she get coverage at her new job, which is soon.

She chose to move out to presumably try and continue her affair.

We have no kids, she took the dog (that she just had to have) and from what I hear is not taking care of it at all (locked up in cage all the time). I want to take it back, but that would just make it easier on her.

I want to call her so bad, but I'm not going to. I'm just so lonely and don't really have any social circles as she was pretty ,much everything to me. I feel like there are two paths I can go here. One is lonely and dark and one is positive, fun and exciting. I feel I am headed down the dark path.

I just can't believe this happened and am so hurt and destroyed emotionally and physically (lost 30+lbs).

VS,

You have been getting great advice. One thing no one as mentioned is that while your plan A may have not ended her affair you have planted seeds of possible reconcilliation. AS in growing seeds there is a germination period, and a growth period BEFORE you see anything.

So calm down, smile, know that the seeds are planted and take some time to enjoy your life. There is more to your life than your W, and your W isn't even on this planet at the moment. The aliens have beamed her up and replaced her with WW. Nothing you can do about it, but plant seeds and work the plans. It may be time for plan B, use the letters as a guide. It is a love letter, but also a "buzz off" letter WITH a path back. Usually, NC with OM, quit the job, and then we will talk.

Hang in there, she is following the script.

God Bless,

JL

Thanks JL. Why is this so difficult. Your life should NEVER be defined by one person. I'm trying so hard to make conscious decisions not to dwell on it on move forward but its just so hard.

Thanks for the pep talk!

VS

Also, my wife has told both me and her mother that she is very disturbed that I have someone following her and she has gone as far to 'fake drive to his house' in order to figure out who is following her and I am assuming this is a major 'love buster'. I had to hire a PI so that I knew the affair was still going on. I couldn't sit here in limbo anymore letting her move out and tell me she needs space and time to figure things out, something had to be done. after reading on here that is a major sign the A or addiction to the A is still present.

Needless to say me wife hasn't reached out to contact me in a week. All contact has been done by me up until Friday. I didn't talk to her all weekend.

I'm not sure what to do next...any thoughts? Plan B letter?

My thoughts are call up SH or call DH's show and get a PLAN! It will help immensely. Right now I would stay in plan A for a while, but let her initiate the contact. She will contact you again, but she knows right now she doesn't have to. She thinks she has all the power in the relationship, and if you start pulling back a bit, she will feel like she is losing control. You see, she doesn't want to completely risk losing you, but she wants to pursue OM. Right now based on your recent actions of begging and pleading, she doesn't think she'll lose you, and that if things don't work out with OM she can always come back. Let her wonder if that's the case a little bit.

As far as love buster is concerned, no it is not a love buster to break up your WW's A. She may feel it is, but stand up for yourself and don't apologize. You have done nothing wrong. Don't yell or argue, just calmly state that you have done nothing wrong by hiring a PI. She will get indignant that you don't back down, but it is the conflict going on within herself. If she can convince you that it was wrong, then it is easier to convince herself of it. PIs have such a negative connotation, and WSs don't want to be associated with that. That means they did something wrong. They are trying to justify in their own mind that they did nothing wrong, so the fact that you had to hire a PI doesn't jive with their current set of rationalizations and justifications. Just ignore her when she starts ranting about it.

Well, at this point I believe I am well beyong Plan A. She has not intiated any contact me in a week now. Any contact has been intiated by me up until Friday. I stopped.

I have no idea what to do, but I guess giving DH a call couldn't hurt. I just feel I have lost her forever.

Hi VinceStrong,

"I have exposed the affair at work to her management."

Good for you! That is a very important required step if there's any chance of the adultery ending.

"She promptly came over at lunch and told me she "hates me, despises me, we are not right for each other, i have nothing for you in my heart, i hate you more, you sucked the life out of me, i have thought of leaving you before this happened" etc. etc. etc."

blah-blah-blah-blah-blah
fog-talk
I know it sounds impossible but try not to believe a single syllable of it. You might even have to avoid even HEARING any more of it (when you go to Plan B).
It just translates to: your choice to expose is spoiling some of her and OM's fun. Mission accomplished so far.
In fact, judging by how upset she was about exposure (translation: how effective it was at interfering with the fun of the adultery) you should continue to expose the adultery to as many folks as relevent: her relatives, your relatives, friends...

"I believe that I have now lost my wife for good. She has convinced herself that i am not right for her and that we can never be together and happy."

You have lost her until the fog lifts.
Exposure helps to lift that fog sooner.

"Am I right to believe that this is over, or is this a normal reaction? She was very convincing and she is young and immature and wants to be single anyways. She doesn't want to be married. She doesn't love me or even like me anymore."

Your, and her, reactions right now are very common.

BUT you need to get to a higher, Stronger, place right now and stay there. You need to rise above reaction and be very careful to not allow your words and actions to be driven by what you naturally feel like responding. She's game-playing, and like it or not you're in the game too. So you may as well learn and apply some winning tactics.
No, you can't and shouldn't try to manipulate her into coming back. But you can learn how to prevent her from pulling your strings and pushing your buttons.

Keep your cool man.

You CAN do this.

Remember, you ARE VinceSTRONG.

VS,

Email me at goverticl@aol.com

I will get back to you later today when i am at the office.

Well, she just emailed me "Hi, how are you?" I didn't respond. I dont belive I should. Right?

What is your plan? I believe that you should respond to her and ask her is she wants to hang out. Try and meet her needs as long as you are in plan A. Talk to SH to shore up your plan, but I thin you need to plan A for a little bit while preparing for plan B. You ignore her during plan B.

I don't really have a plan. right now I believe I tried everything in Plan A to no avail. I belive I am in Plan B now. I havent spoken to her in two days, which is the longest we have ever gone without speaking in 8 years.....

You are right, I should talk to SH. My therapist advised against talking to her since that is the source fo my pain and why should I keep "touching the hot stove". everytime we talk I get hurt more.