My partner and I have been together 4.5 years living together 3.5, we have property, cars and our little dog together.

In Nov 2006 I came home early from work and found him on the couch with an unknown girl, he swore that it was the first time they have met up. He said that he felt that we were in such a rut that he didn’t know how to tell me and she showed interest (she is a client from work).

He went AWOL for 2 days before coming home and telling me that he is very sorry and wants us to work and he loves me very much. I forgive him and we started working on our relationship (I found this site and started my plan A), I thought things were improving although he would have days where he would become completely emotionally absent.

In January he came home and announced he couldn’t do ‘this’ anymore and wanted out. I moved home to my parents place 2 hours away and tried to make sense of it all.

3 weeks later he stars emailing, texting etc, asking for me to come back, that he was just very confused and messed up and made the biggest mistake to let me go. We started talking and ‘dating’ again. He was the man I fell in love with again.

Last Sunday I agreed to meet at our house for dinner, all was going well until he received a call on the home phone. He looked very guilty and after much coxing he admitted it was her from November. H said he tried to tell her he wasn’t interested but she kept calling, this didn’t make sense and I left shortly after.

The next day I went to the house, while he was at work to get some more clothes etc, after telling him I needed time to work out what was going on. While packing I found some photos of them together on our boat looking very intimate and happy. I rang him demanding the truth.

He admitted he had continued seeing here since November and it became physical after I moved out. He stopped seeing her 2 weeks ago when he decided that I was the one he wanted and the photos were from her (returning his stuff). There has been no contact since.

He said that the reason he had an affair was that he felt that I didn’t love him enough and didn’t give him the attention he needed. I thought I couldn’t love anyone more, I showed him in everyway I knew how, but he just didn’t understand it.

My question is should I go back and try and repair the damage? Should I be taking responsibility for not loving him the way he needed?

I am feeling very lost and confused and don’t know where to go from here.

Any help/opinions/ideas would be greatly appreciated.

He is right, he did make a HUGE mistake, in fact several. I would end the relationship. Even one "slip" before marriage should be a warning sign. He has had several. Move on and find someone who deserves you.

KC,

Why when he was the one that did what he did, are you thinking it was your fault... did something you did actually make him go to another woman? (the obvious answer is no) This was his fault, and him placing the blame on you is just him being a slimeball.

If you have someone in your life who keeps punching you in the stomach every chance they get... do you keep going up to him/her hoping they will stop punching you in the stomach, or do you walk away.

His behavior, IMHO, should be a sign of what kind of person he really is. If he says that the A was over 2 weeks ago, there are many many people here who have been told the same thing, myself included. My XW told me it was over... 2 weeks later, I discovered that it really wasn't, that they just were being much more careful.

Lose him. THIS IS HIS FAULT, NOT YOURS.

Just my opinion, you have nothing to be sorry for. If he had troubles with you, he should have talked to you about it, not got naked with another woman.

My rule of thumb

do NOT marry anyone who will betray you before the wedding and then want to marry you after they are caught

Thankyou for your replies.

I guess I just needed the obvious pointed out to me, I have always assumed we would get married and have kids and it’s very hard to let go of the dreams I have/had.

Ok.. here's where I am confused.

The two of them have been together for 4.5 years, 3.5 living together. They have assets together. Assuming this is the first time infidelity has occured, that would mean they have been living together for 3 years before infidelity occured. And the posts I see are to just end it?

Isn't this hypocritical? Shouldn't this be Plan A'd?

From the posts I am seeing, it seems most on here feel if tehre are no children involved then things should end, but if there are children involved then make the effort. So, a reltaionship has more meaning for two people only if offspring is added to the equation? Sorry... I don't buy that.

Hi Corwin

Unfortunately this was not his first indiscretion but his 3rd the first two were EA’s.
The first happened after 2.5 year together.

There are no children involved unless you count our dog

Dr Harley recommends that in a relatively short-term relationship, where there are no children, that you end the marriage/relationship if there is infidelity.

This man not only betrayed kcop (3 times?) but left her too.

Keep the dog! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

So this would be a fourth chance? No thanks. Pass.

I really hope you choose to get on with your life without this man.

So many of us here saw warning signs in the early stages of our relationships before we married - little red lights or BIG red lights (which is what yours is). I wish I had the wisdom to walk away with the tiny signs I had. You've got MAJOR warnings with this man. He is only going to hurt you more. Run....and don't look back.

I once read something that went approx. like this:

At the beginning of a relationship you will see what you will be getting in the future (if you are capable to open your eyes). Sadely most people don't see and tend to believe that the relationship will simply get better once they are married.

It is up to you to choose what you want for your future.............but I'd say that you deserve "THE BEST" and not this kind of treatment.

bb

kcop, you lucked out that you found all this out before you were married and had kids. Take this lucky warning and RUN! You have the freedom in a free country [I am assuming you are not in Afghanistan] to choose your mate. Please use that freedom WISELY and don't marry a man who you know is a cheater. Unless you LIKE to be cheated on, of course. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Kcop,

Ditch his sorry as$.

If you keep reading here and work on yourself you will be elated that you made this decision in the near future.

When you are dealing with someone that feels the way that this man does now WITHOUT CHILDREN then you can only imagine the dejected feelings that he will have when one day you are just not be capable of giving him your undivided attention.

Sometimes it’s good to get advice from people that do not know you or the other party because they are not emotionally invested. But people that have been around here KNOW the kinds of qualities that it takes in BOTH partners for marriages to find success.

Seeing how far you can push the envelope before you actually take the vow is one of those qualities that’s not likely going to change in the future; history has a way of repeating itself.

This man is not an adulterer, he’s a serial cheater.

If it were me, I would say buh-bye to him; painful as it may seem in the moment.

Well a lot has happened in the past week.

My relationship with my partner has finished.

I am now living with my parents and commuting to my old job 2.5hours away 3 days a week (staying with a friends from university while up there).

Last night we swapped cars (we have been driving each others cars for about a year), I didn’t feel ready to see him but did as I wanted to take more of my stuff from the house and needed my car.

It was very emotional, and we were very civilised talking about financial issues.

A little later while I was packing the car, he was in the study, ‘unable to watch me moving out’, I had a quick look at his mobile messages.

HE IS STILL SEEING HER!!! There was a sms from that morning saying how much she loved watching him sleep and how hard it was to leave him this morning etc, oh and the best one, how she is so glad the ex is now 100% off the scene and that she is falling in love with him.

I felt disgusted. Here he was saying how he wants an amicable break-up and how he is very lonely living alone (especially since I took the dog &#61514;) and that he didn’t want to be with anyone until he worked out who he was and what he wanted and no he wasn’t back with her.

I asked him again just as I was leaving if he was seeing her or anyone now, and he got very upset crying etc, saying how could I think and he was very hurt etc.

I left feeling furious, disgusted and upset. How can he lie to my face like that and make me feel sorry for him?! How can I be so stupid to feel more sorry for him then me?

I am angry that I have to be sad, lonely, feeling very lost, living back at home, while he has already got someone else living in my house, apparently very happy together!!!

Just be glad you found out his true character before you had a couple of kids and 15 years of marriage. I know it is very painful, but in the end, he did you a favor.

By the way, I would let him know that you are onto his cheating ways. Send him a letter.

See a lawyer if you two own the house together,

Read everything on this site, so you can figure out how to NEVER hook up with a guy like this again.

Thank your God that you found this out now, instead of later. And that you didn't spend ONE MORE MINUTE with this lying piece of crap.

Go out, have a coffee with a friend, and tell her about your plans for YOUR FUTURE. Because you have one, without him......and with yourself, and all that you have learned from this.

You will be stronger, wiser, and better in the end.

He, however, will continue to have failed relationships, unless he figures out what HE DID WRONG.

This, kcop, ISN'T, AND NEVER WAS, YOUR FAULT.

Remember that!

SB

Thanks Believer

I desperately wanted to say something last night, but held back because until I get the rest of my belongings out of the house, which I am doing on Saturday.

K

That's a good idea. Get your stuff first. I'm sure he will be around again, asking for another chance. Personally I would be sure to let him know that you know how sneaky and conniving he is. Affairs never last, and he made a big mistake. Don't feel sorry for him.

I hope you will keep reading here to learn things for your next relationship.

kcop,

Why are you upset? Step back and look at this from a disintangled point of view.

1. The revenge for his cheating has already been set in motion. You have heard the saying: If they will cheat with you they will cheat on you, right? Well, guess how his new relationship is going to go? Guess who will cheat on who first.

2. You are now free to persue your dreams. They would never have come true with a man like him.

3. You did not invest in a marriage.

4. You don't have to share you life with him because you two do NOT have children together.

5. You know he is involved with her, and that means he will be a bit easier to deal with when getting your share of the assets that you two put into things.

In short, kcop you are one very very lucky woman. I think don't I can say the same for your x or the woman having an affair with him, can you?

I am deadly serious as are the others that have posted to you, you have been blessed and you should fall to your knees and give thanks for this blessing.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

kcop

I'm feeling with you...........the situation is truely very disgusting.
Let the emotions flow and be sure to find a good way to deal with them. Do everything possible for yourself to make yourself feel good. It'll take abit of time to truely get over the pain............within time you will make it.

Don't look back.........remember: "WHAT HE DOES TO YOU, HE'LL DO TO HER" and the other way around. Be thankfull that you had the Eye-opening experience now and not years from now.

I personally (sorry believer) don't think that I'd write him anything. You know what you know and you never know what might come.
The day might come when he comes crawling and begging to you, swearing to God that he is honest and denying the things you know about............

You can then share what you know.............

kcop, you deserve "The Best" and not this kind of treatment. Let OW have it..............

Try to see the "positive" in this situation. (I know this might sound NUTS)
-you have a good gut feeling that you can depend on
-you have parents that support you
-you don't have little children that are involved
-you have a job and a car
-you got to see the "true colors" of him

HE IS STILL SEEING HER!!! There was a sms from that morning saying how much she loved watching him sleep and how hard it was to leave him this morning etc, oh and the best one, how she is so glad the ex is now 100% off the scene and that she is falling in love with him.

Well............she's made her bed and she'll have to sleep in it...........if that is the man she "dreams about"........WOW, will she have a "Wake-up Call" someday. (He will too!)

They are definately in the "Playing House" mode.........and this is NOT based on Reality. It might help you a little to understand the situation......Google: Chemistry of Love

Reading about what happens when someone falls in love, helped me alot and I didn't feel so bad about "me".

Take care of yourself and walk with your head up high! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />
hugs
bb