Recently I found out my wife was having an EA (DEC) then an A (JAN), but has since stopped the affair (according to her and OM). OM emailed W's father back after he sent him a very well thought out email to which OM mail responded to with the fact he has distanced himself from my W and realizes they have no future together and that she needs to work on her marriage. He even said "I have gone has far as to ignore W and make sure I have as little contact with her as possible".

Well, I recently found out she still talks to him daily at work (personel level) and has lunch with him and others often, so he is not exactly ignoring her or avoiding contact, nor is she, even thought she said she would stop.

How do I threaten him with exposure of A without getting my wife upset at me? He will immediately FW any email I send and the fake email thing has been tried already and will be seen right through. But he has obviously not stopped contact with her, and I feel the affair is still might be going on, thought not sure. My W moved out 10 days ago to get "space and thoughts together".

Advise?

Your wife moved out 10 days ago to be able to continue the affair.

Expose them at work, don't threaten, warn, or talk about it. And yes, your wife will be angry. But your marriage can survive her anger much better than her affair.

vs:

You don't threaten, you just expose.

Exposure is done 2 put pressure on the affair, but it's not a threat. It's done because it's the RIGHT thing 2 do. Telling the truth isn't wrong or underhanded, like the affair and continued contact is.

Do not warn either of them you are about 2 expose. Just do it.

Your wife needs 2 change jobs, or the OM does. They can't work 2gether anymore. They can't have "work-related" contact anymore. And certainly no personal contact.

-ol' 2long

vincestrong,

From your question it is obvious that you have not been on this site very long.

READ....READ....Read especially posts by MelodyLane our resident exposure guru.

The only way to judge an exposure was done properly and it was effective is if you have never and I mean never, seen your WS that angry.

How is this done?

Do I email there bosses? My wife continues to at least go to lunch with him in groups because she says that it would have people talking even more than they already are because she has stopped wearing her wedding rings. They work in a team of roughly 20. So its like a msall high school.

I haven't read everything on this site here....I'm working on it. Lots to read. I'm am so hurt right now and the thought that she may be with him right now as I type is absolutely killing me.

Advise on how to expose?

Vince,

I'm a FWW. Your WW(?) will get upset, you can bet on it. There's no avoiding it.

What you are doing is making sure there is no A, stopping it if it has resumed and assuring no future contact and exposure is the quickest, surest way to do it, besides being the right thing to do. Is this OM married?

One of them has to leave that workplace.

Just remain calm. You are not doing this to hurt her or to anger her or get back at her. You are doing it to save your marriage. She will (hopefully) eventually see that.

You write a letter to the company HR. Tell them there is an active affair that is ruining your marriage, and ask what they plan to do about it.

The others gave you great advice. Your W moved out to have an affair without your interference.

In addition to exposing at work, I would widen that circle and expose to the OM's W, if any, and his parents. Make him pay a HIGH PRICE for getting it on with a married woman. Expose to her father and any other siblings who might be effective. Cut off all money and don't allow her to drag your kids into this.

Unfortunately, this is what happens when affairees are allowed to continue to see each other at work. The affair usually continues for years on end. This is exactly why Dr.Harley is ADAMANT that contact be ended for life even if you have to move to another state. Because until contact ends, recovery is impossible.

And expose to her parents that contact is ongoing.

Depending on the nature of the company and it's policies, there may be company policies regarding such relationships between co-workers. Should they fail to address it, there could be potential liability should someone decide to make a atink. The company may have their own interests to tend.

Hi Vince,

Listen to the experts here, don't threaten just do it. One of them needs to leave the job for the affair to end. You can write in, or if you know the division head or HR head, make an appointment and walk in and tell them straight, with evidence if you have any.

For me, I didn't have any physical evidence of my WS's affair, so I went in to the office with her, and had her sit next to me while I exposed the matter to her manager. That way I avoided any chance of her and the OP making up stories to discredit me or to make me out to be some crazed husband telling lies. Because I was there she couldn't lie her way through, and besides that, her face told of her guilt to her manager. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

That suceeded in ending the A and in getting her to leave her job -and the added benefit from that was that the manager kept her and OP away from each other as much as possible during working hours while she served out her notice period (today is her LAST official day! Yahoo!).

You need to tell the manager that you want to work on the marriage and that you need your wife to have no contact with OM for that to work.

It may seem like a big step, but I felt better right after cause I was finally DOING something to save my marriage instead of sitting on my hands, too afraid to react or to get her angry so that she'd walk out. In your case, the longer it goes on (and she's already moved out) the smaller the chance of recovering your marriage. You have nothing to lose and everyting to gain by exposing.

Good luck mate!

Forgot to say, I also exposed to OW's parents (as she was a single, yonng lesbian living with her parents), WS's parents and some of her closer friends and my own immediate family. Family support counts for a lot during this period.

Not to hijack but what if you have no proof of any affair, just speculation and opportunity? My W shows all signs: moved out, outrageous phone bills with one particular number of a male co-worker, gossip about male co-worker and her at their work place. They are "good friends." Is this something I expose to their work place? I do feel if they aren't quite "that" close they soon will be since we are separated and things don't look the best. I hate to be totally wrong and ruin lives but I do understand that my marriage is what matters most here. If I am wrong that would push my W so far away I'd probably be signing divorce papers the next day.

Their boss is an active member of our church too. I'm actually curious to see what would happen.

You expose by telling people what you know is true, not what you suspect. Spreading information that you don't know to be true is unethical and can rightfully get you in hot water.

The only thing you have to fear is fear itself. Be honest and courageous and you have nothing to worry about.

GC