bump

You've got to listen to your lawyer here, you can't jeopardize your legal stance.

But you also need to tell her what YOU want -- she works for YOU. Get her to find a way to get you back in that house, with your kids. Have her make it part of the little deal that's being drawn up. Make it about being with the kids. Whatever. Tell her to get creative and get you back in the house.

And you've GOT to listen to Mortarman and follow his instructions. He's an ideal person to be advising you right now. Wouldn't hurt for you to find his story and read it, too. Get on the ball with exposure to the OM's chain of command.

Thanks, AmIok!! Didn't really think of it that way. I'll let her (my lawyer) know that.

I WILL Expose him, I'm going to talk to NCIS on Wed.

Cory:

TELL your lawyer you want back into that house. LAWYERS work for YOU. LAWYERS are trained to get to agreement. BAD AGREEMENTS do not help you.

AGREE to "No Harrassment" if WW doesn't contact OM anymore, but only under that condition. AND you should never agree to NOT Talk about your Relationship with your WIFE. HOW Else is it ever going to move forward? YOU Agree to not talk about her infidelity IF SHE Stops it. All other subjects are open to discussion.

LEAVE the courthouse and go to OM command and expose what he is doing. With all your proof. Give them copies.

MAKE SURE in court on MONDAY you get your side of the story in.

GONE for a year. Back in NOV. DISCOVERY of what's going on. HER Reaction to that. YOUR Reaction.

Cory,

Make sure you are documenting everything!! Journal everything. Just like you do in the Marines while on duty. Write out a log of all events that involve your wife, kids, etc. Daily. Get in this habit, because you will need this! Make sure your log is nowhere that she can find it.

On your attorney...she is your hired gun. She knows the law, and she can advise you. But, you are in command of your family. No one else can do that. You are the man, the husband. It is YOUR responsibility, and no one else's! We all can advise you and help you. But at the end of the day, God has given you command. YOU get the final decision...not your attorney, not your wife. And if you are following God's direction, then He will honor your decisions!

Now, with that...listen to your attorney. But also make sure that you make her listen to what you want! Tell her that you want her to protect you and the family. She is "rear security" if you want to use infantry venacular. She is to make sure you dont get surprised, and to guide you as you go along. But, you tell her that you are trying to save your marriage and family. That is your job! That, as long as it doesnt greatly endanger the case (and open up your rear to attack), that you are goingto conduct this offensive to save your family in the following ways...

And then you let your attorney know about the MB principles here, about your plan, etc. By doing this, she will then be able to best devise a good rear defense. But, if she doesnt know...and you are out there moving all over the place...how in the world will she be able to protect you when she doesnt even know where you are at? So, keep her in the loop! But...remember, as long as you want this marriage...it is YOUR battle alone to fight!

Now, on moving back in. First off, you definitely want to get back into the house! So you can Plan A. But, you do NOT agree to the terminology of what her attorney sent to you. Talking to your wife about the marriage, about sex, about the family, etc is NOT harassment. Do not let them frame it this way! Have your attorney fire back with something like "I agree that we should both behave in an adult fashion and that our discussions should be done in a way that is typical of a married couple." No judge in the world is going to slam you for having an adult discussion with your wife concerning family and marriage issues!

But, get back into the house as soon as possible. Be careful...my wife also had the police come. So, you need to watch your back. Even while in the house, she would always threaten "we are not having this conversation. If you talk about this again, I will cal the police and have you removed." My response? "Honey, you cannot tell me what to say or not say. I am not saying anything abusive, nor raising my voice (by the way, it isnt illegal to raise your voice...just unproductive!). You are welcome to call the police if you feel you must. But right now you are threatening me...and that isnt right." I stood my ground without getting confrontational. You will have to learn how to do this!

You are goingto have to learn how to engage an enemy that is trying to destroy you, while you are trying NOT to destroy the enemy. It is a very hard thing to do. Think about an 8 year old child. And he has a baseball bat in his hands and he is trying to hit you with it. Now, you dotn want to get hit by it. And if he was an adult, then you would jsut do what it took to disarm this guy and then pound him into submission. But this is a kid. All you are trying to do is disarm the kid so you are no longer in danger...and then you can help the kid.

Same thing goes here. A tough balancing act. You will want to open fire and destroy the "enemy" at times. It will take a lot of restraint to not do so.

Let us know how court goes. As I said, the biggest thing that will help you in this case is a journal. it will outline everything...and she will have nothing but her rantings to offer the judge in return!

Keep up the fight. Remember...you are in command! Charlie Mike.

Hi Cory,

Just wanted to add to Mortarman's excellent advice:

Never forget that the enemy is not your WS, but the temporary behavior and the foggy thinking, of your WS.

Be very careful about taking any bait to engage in arguments.

At times I had to insist on only written communication with my X because of his persistance in trying to turn every conversation into an argument. The WS will try all sorts of tactics in order to avoid dealing with issues in a calm manner.

You might have to wait until your WW is more out of the fog and more willing to cooperate before discussing much.

Also,

I most definitely agree with the advice that you expose the OM's adultery to his commanding officer!!!

Plus to anybody of any relevance whatsoever to the OM and your WW.

I can't overemphasize how much fun and power is stripped from the adultery via exposure.

Well, court went realy good, today... WW dropped all DV claims, without prejudice (meaning that she can't use these same claims in a future DV claim...). My lawyer and I agreed to her "no harassment" consent. It was pretty basic. It stated, "While pending a divorce from bed and board, the above partys agree not to assault, harass, or threaten the other." That's all it said. When my lawyer showed it to me, she laughed, cause it was so futile; and said, "There's no way I could possibly have a problem with this. And if this makes her feel safe/better, then she had no claim to begin with."

While in the courtroom, we sat together while the judge called off the calender. Afterwards we went to breakfast together. This evening, I stayed at our house while she went to class. When she got home, we talked about how we missed being a family. She did nearly fall asleep on the couch towards the end of our conversion, and just before I left, I carried her to bed. She didn't really like, but deep down, I know she did...

Plan A is working, slowly, but surely. She sees everything I'm doing and it's really eating at her. She keeps asking, "Why now? Why couldn't you have been like this for the past 9 years?" I just shrug my shoulders and go about what I'm doing. Are there any other good answers for this?

As far as the journal, I'm way ahead of you. I started the day after she claims I "forced myself on her". I just need to go back and fill in everything that lead up to that...

I'll be going to NCIS on Wed to speak to one of their agents, and find out what all they need to start their own investigation, and if they can use any of the evidence that I have. I am also going to talk to another lawyer about the AOA/CC, to see if we can use OM to make a statement...

Also, about me moving back in, I read today that if we begin living together again, that would be considered "Condonace" and I would not be able to pursue the DBB...

I just say, "Better late than never," and just smile.

Cory,
Moving back in to your own home is "condoning" the A, esp after your WW called the cops to have you removed? Talk to your lawyer and see what mitigating circumstances apply to "condonance". Is it still condonance if you cannot financially afford to pay for two homes? Is it condonance for you want to receive your mail?

That's great!


Yes she did! Plan A time for you. Get busy. Fill out the EN questionaire and see if she will also. See if you both can get in with Steve Harley for telephone counseling. I knwo it is expensive, but it is cheaper than divorce. He is great with coming up with a plan for both of you. And what you need right now is a plan that you both can buy into.


This is what they ALL say when Plan A starts working. It takes the joy out of leaving! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> Your response should be "Honey, I am sorry it took me this long to get it. But I do get it." Something like that. She of course, at times, will say it is too late, or too much water is under the bridge or other claptrap. Ignore it! Just keep on your mantra of "we can have a new lease on life and a great marriage. That is what I am pursuing." Stay on mission.


Excellent! Doesnt military training come in handy???


Do not delay on this! Also, if she comes back to you angry that you have done this...you stay on mantra. You just tell her that you had no choice...it is your duty as a Marine and as a husband.


If you have sex with her, it is condoning the affair and "forgiving her." Living in the same house should not be. But check with your attorney about what your state laws say.

Keep us informed. Plan A! And see if you can get her in with the Harleys for a few telephone sessions. Steve really is the master at helping WSs get on the program.

How about "Why couldn't you be the kind of wife that came and talked to her H, communicated with him, helped him understand how he could postively impact your M instead of finding some guy who wanted to use you for sex and thereby betray your H, your own self respect and dignity and whatever morals and principles that your were raised to believe were true and just? Just a question?

While we would all LOVE to ask this question...please dont!!

I know MM and agree. But I would sure like to know the answer sometimes.

Do as MM says!

Oh, we KNOW what the answer would be...dont we??? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Cory,

Sorry your here and the circumstances around your WW's betrayal. My W also had an A while I was deployed and as a geo-bach.

I didn't see if the scumbag OM was married - if so, have you told his W? You must, as part of necessary exposure, to help break up this A.

V/r,
No Way

I haven't contacted her yet, but my PI is finding her contact info, and as soon as he gets it, I will be calling her. She lives in FL. They are seperated, but nothing on paper...

Would that be 2 counts of adultery?

I found this email, among others, to OM, with my spyware. This is the most recent one; WW sent it on 15 Feb. What do ya'll think?

Might be good...might not. Many times, WSs will say things like this in order to draw the OP back into the relationship. I believe this to be the case here. It is why she said she misses him and hopes this will fade with time. It is a hook for him to grab ahold of.

One way that he WONT grab onto that hook is for him to be slammed by his command! So, get that done!

I did talk with a military lawyer yesterday. He is contacting NCIS, and NCIS will in turn, contact me...So the ball has started rolling.