Let us know how things are going!

Things seem very idle right now. We had to push our MC appointment back cause WW had a job interview at the same time...and now we've learned that the MC is not a very good one to begin with. So now we are waiting another week for an appointment.

WW did tell one of our mutual friends that the only reason she wants to go to MC is because she wants the MC to "translate" what she is trying to say to me, because she thinks I don't understand her, or that I'm not listening. She also said something to the effect of: She also wants the MC to explain to me that marriage can't be saved...

I just don't understand this. I do understand everything she is saying, and I've even explained it all in my previous posts...

I've eased up an plan-A... It's just REALLY hard when you get NOTHING in return but: "I don't want to be with you; It's too late; We've hurt each other too much; I don't ever want to depend on a man, especially you..." I know is sounds like fog talk, but I also know the A is over and NC is going good.

Please remotivate me!!

Cory,

I had a session with Steve Harley about a month ago and we discussed the ideal scenario that would make my WW the happiest she could possibly be. I will share with you the letter I wrote my WW so you can see the priniples of the letter. Basically you want to present her with the scenario and get a yes as to if that is what could make her happy and once you get a yes then you have to ask what it will take to make it happen. This is the best way to knock down the it's to late wall. It seems to have worked in my sitch.

WW,

I wanted to talk to you this week, but can’t do it in person because of the convention. I decided to talk to you via email so that I would have a better chance of getting the words out right. Once you read the email, maybe we can discuss this in the near future. I want to talk to you about the happiness that you are searching for. If you had your choice of scenarios would you pick a scenario that just made you happy or would you pick a scenario that would make you the happiest that you could possibly be? I would like to present to you the scenario that I know would make you the happiest that you could possibly be. I think that if you were in love with the father of your son and felt cared for and safe and was physically attracted to him and felt admired and received affection physically and emotionally and you felt like you could talk to him about anything that was on your mind and have conversations that left you feeling loved and understood and you felt like he was a good provider and a good father then you would be the happiest that you could possibly be. Would you agree with that?



If you agree with that scenario then the next question would be what will it take to make that happen? I know you want to be the happiest that you can possibly be and I believe that we can be that happy together. You may respond that you don’t know if that is possible. That’s OK. That just means that we have to gather more info so that we can come to that conclusion together. I know your feelings for me have changed. I know there was a time in our marriage when you wouldn’t have thought that was possible, but it happened, so I know that your feelings for me can change again, hopefully for the last time. I have spent a lot of time gathering info that can help us and have been studying the concepts and putting them into practice. I am not an expert yet so I know I probably still make my share of mistakes. I would like to share this info with you in the near future. We can take it slow. Baby steps are in order right now. I have found somebody that can help us. He wants to talk to you when you are ready. Take your time to process this email. Maybe we can talk after I am back. If there are issues that are keeping you from considering this then maybe we can talk about that too. I want you to feel safe when we do this. I want you to be happier than you ever thought possible. You deserve that. Take care and I’ll see you soon WW.


With love,

BS

hope this helps

Cory,

You almost never get anything in return during Plan A. And all of those sayings (e.g. I dont love you anymore...too much water under the bridge, etc) all are just crap! It is the same, tired, wornout junk WSs say when they meet up with a determined BS and a good Plan A. They do it because they want you to back away from your Plan A and the feelings they are getting.

How do I know this? Well, first off...we see this everytime here. Second, what did your wife say about the MC? She wanted the MC to get you to believe what she "supposedly" believes about the marriage. That it is over. She wants YOU to make the decision to end it, and to walk her hand-in-hand to the courthouse for the divorce.

You see, she has made a HUGE error in judgment. Notice I didnt say "mistake" because she did not make a mistake. She made poor judgments! With those decisions, she had used faulty rationale in order to be able to do the things she did.

And now, here is Cory showing up...and he isnt playing along with her little world she has created. He isnt going with her battle plan. Instead, Cory is Plan Aing...and she sees what is the truth about how she REALLY feels about Cory. And it hurts...because it proves everything she believed in order to get into adultery was wrong!

I liken it to a big, "wrong sandwich." If she tried to eat it whole, she would choke on it. So, she has to take it a bite at a time.

Cory, she is wrong. You KNOW this! She knows this deep down. Which is why I have suggested you two meet with Steve Harley, because he wont let your wife get away with her current agenda. He is VERY good at getting a WS to walk thru their actions and see where they messed up. Where they made poor decisions based on a skewed value system they designed.

Once a WS can see that they did indeed make bad decisions and that their world that they have created is just a fantasy...most usually jump back into the relationship with gusto.

Your wife isnt there yet. She has seen and felt your Plan A. She knows deep down the truth now, and it is nagging at her. But, she is still trying to get you to see it her way...to help her end things.

Dont you do it. You dont help her end things...you keep on Plan Aing. Your Plan A has gotten you where you are now. Why in the world would you stop that? I understand how draining it is. And soon, you maye need to go to Plan B in order to stop the bleed.

But, stopping Plan A is giving her what she wants, in regards to keeping up the charade that this fantasyworld is real.

Get back on your battleplan, Marine. You are winning the fight. I knwo it is hard and tiring. But your wife is depending on you getting this right and rescuing her from herself.

As I said before...YOU are in command. No one else can take charge but you. And lives are on the line. So, let's lean forward in the foxhole and do right...always.

Thanx for the moto guys... E6J is "oscar mike".

I've asked her before about calling Dr. Harley. She said that she wouldn't feel comfortable talking with anyone over the phone. How can make it comfortable for her?

Well, to be concise, you can not "make" her anything! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

However, perhaps she would be more comfortable with a LADY counselor, in which case you could suggest Jennifer Harley Chalmers. She is Papa Harley's daughter, Steve's sis, and she is just as tough as the guys but sometimes perceived as a little less threatening.

Another thing you might offer is a "get to know her" "try it out" session, whereby it's with Jennifer (a lady--likely to "understand" another lady) and you just try it and see how you like it. This is actually an excellent opportunity to show your WW via behavior that you are NOT going to force her or railroad her, but rather that you are being considerate of her and you're willing to participate in JOINT agreement. Now, I will be the first to mention that it's darn difficult and confusing to have "joint" agreements with a fogged-in WS, yet I suspect she might appreciate a demonstration of some willingness to consider her. It's conceivable your WW my say she did not like it, but it's also more likely that once she tries it, she'll like the safety of phones -AND- like Jennifer.

Finally, I usually encourage people to Plan A, Plan A, Plan A until they notice they are getting a bit tired from it. You'll see signs like you're getting a little snippy or feeling a bit resentful. My friend, then it is time to rest. You don't go back to your old behaviors, but for a time you take a little time for yourself and do something kind just for you, to help restore and rejuvenate. For example, take a day and go fishing (assuming that's not a huge LB for some reason); go to an car show; take a hike by yourself. If you were a lady I'd suggest buying a fancy bubble bath, a facial masque, and some chocolate!!

I'm not as "up" on all the military talk like you and Mortarman, but as a soldier, you've been fighting away and never taking time to sleep or eat. Now you fellas are darn strong and sometimes it's called-for to not sleep and eat...but this time it's a longer term battle, and in order to keep up the fight for a long time, there are going to have to be times of rest and replenishment. Notice that does not mean breaking the line or giving what you've won back to the enemy, though!

Your faithful friend,


CJ

P.S. BTW, I think your WW is hoping that this counselor you guys are going to is going to justify her behavior as "okay" as long as she's "pursuing her happiness". <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> OH BROTHER!

Thanks CJ, I'll give it another shot...

CJ is correct!