I found out about the w's affair just about a year now. One of the things I hate really bad is those "TRIGGER WORDS" . Seems I am healing quite nicely be it slow.(Us guys are kinda slow at this foregetting thing)
But I seem to be happy & **ALL OF A SUDDEN**.. it POPS back in my mind a word a phrase, who knows what.This won't be with me forever will it?..
How can i stop this once and for all?? w sais she has stopped the a . -- but still says it was not a bad thing.. If i bring every thing back to the surface we BOTH are POed & miserable.. should I just swallow deeply & keep on marching?
or what?
Thanks
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/ooo.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/ooo.gif" alt="" />

***Have you been able to verify that she stopped the A? Her word is not enough.***

You will have triggers for quite a while, but it gets easier.

NO, I can not be 100 % shure om is gone for good , that is sad ain't it?
Those triggers scare me that They might be well founded feelings. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

If she's still saying this after a year, something is wrong...IMO.

FWW here... if you don't KNOW if it's over - it's probably not. We lie.

"...still says it was not a bad thing" ?!??! She says having an A was not a bad thing?

Please think about that. How can an A be anything other than bad? Really.

Keep reading. There is good stuff here.

~LS

0403 you are now 7 to shorten it up.

It depends on the trigger words. If they are coming from her mouth address it. If it is on TV the radio or other places then yes swallow deep.

Think to yourself This too shall pass. I don't mean to sound corny about it.

I still hear and see things that set me off a little too. If they are not in her control I try to let it go.

If it does come out of her mouth I let her know that way she can decide to try to be more considerate.

Go with what the others said as well. Find out Make sure there is NC.

0403,
One year after A and your ww says


Sorry to say, I don't see any "Godly sorrow" here as referred to in David Carder' book "Torn Assunder." In it he states that there is little hope of true reconciliation if the infidel does not have that. That is the starting point, Godly sorrow for the A.

Your ww's quote seems to indicate, that it is not present. IMHO, you need to assess why this sorrow is not pressent, for, it seems to me, you are just as vunerable today as you were one year ago.

Don't mean to seem blunt, but how can your ww ever expect you to heal and forgive, if she expresses no remorse for her A?

I think you guys need to start this process all over again. Read up on Dr H's Q and A on this web site, and get yourself SAA. Doesn't seem like she has done any of the prerequiset things needed to start any real R.

I wish you all the best,
Blessings,
Jerry

well I think that she doesn't think "it" was a terrible thing.It was a deal breaker to me.I don't think we are on a HEALING path. I think she is ok with things the way they are.It shure would feel great to trust again! w asked me one time just what I wanted from her ... good question.. just what DO I WANT? maybe y'all can tell me what it is -I want-(or am looking for) & how to get it! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

UH, to have a good, solid, happy marriage, filled with protection, consideration and care.

It sounds like you may be lacking in Honesty and Openness. I'm pretty new at this, and WH and I have a long way to go, but I think this is most important, for me, at least.

When's the last time you asked if she's spoken to or seen OM recently? What does your gut say, your intuition? Neither one of you should 'settle' for just getting by...IMO

7,

I can tell you the what was a prerequisit for moving forward and that was a Remorseful and Repentant spouse.

I don't know how I missed the part about "it" not being so bad.

If that is her attitude then I would have a hard time moving forward.

An A is a deal breaker to most on the surface. I can't imagine too many other reasons for a D if an A isn't that terrible.

My FWW was unrepentant and unremorseful for a long time. I couldn't move forward with that attitude. I didn't want to be married to that type of person.

Luckily for the sake of our family that changed. I can now look at and respect my FWW.

up date, seems w wants more time away,. looks like the old make me MAD PLOY IS IN EFFECT.THAT WAY SHE CAN GO & I AM HAPPY.
is THIS COMMON? Making me mad is easy. BUT not showing it ain't
help[ please

0403,
I'm completely at a loss at to what your sitch really is. After one year, your ww tells you that her A was not that bad, and now she wants space away from you.
It would seem to me,IMVHO, that you have buried your head and the sand, and have not even verified that your WW has truly ended her A.

You, somehow, seem to be content to sit on your hands and just blidfully trust and believe her. WHY??

She has already demonstrated to you that she is an untrustworthy person, yet you accept everything she says with some kind of blind trust that is completely foollhardy on your part. When are you going to to make her verify her trust?

Now she wants time away??? Around here, my space and time away is codeword for the freedom to continue her A unimpeded by your watchfull eyes. She needs the freedom to persue her A. KWIM?

It's pretty obvious to me,IMHO, why ther is no progree or healing after one year. Your the only one who has signed onto this notion, not your WW.

You need to snoop th find out the real truth of what is going on here, 0403.
Do you know how to put a keylogger on your computer? How about a voice activated recorder on her phone? Seems to me you need to do a lot more serious validation as to where your WW is now in regards to your M. With so little effort being put forth, I can only assume that something is seriously still amiss here and you need to find out ASAP, what is happening around you.

I do wish you all the best,
All Blessings,
Jerry