My WH revealed his affair to me nine months ago. He refused to stop cold-turkey his contact with ow. Fortunately we moved away and they didn't see each other, just phone contact. In the meantime he and I drew closer to each other very slowly and are doing much better together. It isn't great, but getting a little better as the months progress. Finally after not having any contact with her for a month or so, he sent her a NO CONTACT letter, which made me very happy.

Yesterday, on Valentine's Day, she sent him a text wishing him a happy Valentine's day. I had to ask, because I knew she would make sure he knew she was thinking of him, and she did just as I thought she would. She contacts him on his birthday, new year's, etc.

My feeling is that this is what I will have to live with for the rest of the time I'm with my husband. He assures me that he doesn't respond and that he's here with me. Even though I know he misses her and the intellectual connection and friendship they had.

His response to my questioning him is....."I can't control what someone else does." He gets frustrated that I have an emotional response to it. I have told him my feelings, and have asked him how he feels that she has ignored his request to remove all his contact information from her address files. There was no ambivilence in his NC letter to her two weeks ago.

Any thoughts or suggestions would be most appreciated.
Thanks.

My FWH has said these exact words, and had the same frustrated reaction. It sure sucks, doesn't it? One would hope that they could understand what it does to us and show some sympathy...but for some unknown reason, they don't.

Your H should change his cell phone number. Even if it is inconvenient ~ that's one of the consequences of having an A.

If she emails him too, he should block her email address/es and/or get another email addy.

Does he tell you everytime there is attempted contact? If he doesn't, he should.

Thanks for your response, MarriedForever. I see that our DDays are one day apart.....May 20, 2006 was the saddest day of my life.

If only he would change his contact information. His business depends on it and he can't easily make the change. He has a million excuses why......blah, blah, blah. Same is true for his email address.

To answer your question about whether or not he tells me when there's contact.....the answer is no. I have my ways of finding out even if he deletes the messages. I agree he should, and in time I hope he will trust me enough to tell me when it happens. I hope he will realize that I won't make a bad situation even worse by having an unreasonable response. I mentioned that to him last night after I asked if she had contacted him. When he confessed that she had and that he didn't respond I let him know that my level of trust for him would've increased tremendously if he had told me before I had to ask.

We are progressing in our understanding of each other and I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, but at the same time, not ignoring my intuitions.....they were correct again yesterday.

From all I read it will take at least two years to rebuild the trust I once had in him.

I just wish the ow would fall off the planet......then I'll be able to rest. (ha! ha! a little playful sarcasm)

I'll check back later.

Thanks again for your response.

LHF,

Is the OW M? If so call her H and let him know that his wife is calling your H again.

Can your phone co block certain numbers?

M2L,

Yes, I have spoken with her husband in the past. And we agreed we would let each other know if there was contact between our spouses. But, to be honest, the whole thing makes me ill and talking to him is like bringing a dark cloud into our lives. He is not the most pleasant person to communicate with and there have been times when he has been less than honest with me. So as it turns out contacting him has created more chaos than good in this difficult situation.

I'm tempted to re-send the NC letter my husband wrote her to make sure she gets the message this time. I think she needs a reminder.

Thanks for writing.