Although our children are basically grown, we are just now learning how to PARENT EFFECTIVELY together. I pretty much shut my H out and made PARENTING decisions on my own, shielding our sons from him....some MY ISSUES, some HIS...

One of our sons needs OUR HELP today and we are working on how to best go about that.

In discussing this over lunch, my H started to get HUFFY, with VOICE RAISED..he now knows from previous discussions that when he raises his voice that makes me nervous .but that's another story...

Making an assumption based on our past he says, I kid you not: "You want to be IN CHARGE of this so go ahead and TAKE CHARGE then...." (WOO)

Mimi (in calm yet assertive voice): I am JUST EXPRESSING MY OPINION. I don't think it's fair for you to ASSUME that means that I WANT TO BE IN CHARGE. We need to work on this TOGETHER and come up with a SOLUTION.

He calmed down noticeably..I have to OFTEN say this OUT LOUD because it touches on such a RAW NERVE of his....

I say: "I'm sorry that you are all mad at me"..I kiss him, say.."I LOVE YOU" and get out of the car.

I call him later and leave a voicemail: "I will let you take the lead on this. I trust you can handle it and come up with the BEST solution. I wanted to throw in my opinion." (Earlier he had said that he knows the solution and is working on it..he also has a better handle on how to MANAGE OUR SON).

He calls and asks me to find out more information related to MY SUGGESTION..thereby, he is taking the lead but considering my viewpoint...

THIS IS ALL USING POJA, BTW...

He just left a voicemail..I was out of my office.."I got your car washed for you..it is at (this place)...

I want to specifically give my thanks to my MB MENTORS...JUST LEARNING, PEP and LOVINGANYWAY..for their assistance in MY PERSONAL RECOVERY regarding these issues...

Hugs to you....

mimi,

I am so grateful for your wisdom on this board. Sometimes things seem so clear and obvious to me. Then I hear your opinion and realize I had it all wrong.

My sitch is much different than all of yours...as far as why I came to MB.

But I am learning much about my marriage and the way I do things. I mentioned on LilSis's thread that my husband is a Phlegmatic...passive, etc. I've always just kinda assumed that he likes to be led around. But now I wondering if I've been waaaaaaaaaaaay off base.

At heart, all men want to be our heros.

Thanks, GRATEFUL....

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I am a man that does... but I know some men that don't like the pressure of leading and prefer to be led. We are all different! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

MEDC, oh wise one... I have a question.
So if some want to be led and some want to lead - will that become clear in behavior or do you have to ask? And how exactly do you ask a man if he would prefer to lead or be led? I think my H would bristle at the question, even though he is likely in camp B... but maybe I'm clueless - wait, strike that - CLEARLY I am clueless - but learning!

~LS

I believe it would be obvious... it is obvious to me as to whether a woman I date is someone that will allow another to lead or if she always has to be the top dog.

Have you ever heard that for many men out there they marry the woman of their dreams and somewhere along the line she becomes his mother. I used to get freaked out by men that I thought had no backbone in a relationship until I realized that for some it worked out just the way they wanted... and for the women too.
I think we know who are partners are. Clear behaviors??? I guess it depends on the relationship... look at sitcoms... any strong men on those? Everybody Loves Raymond..Raymond or Debra? Rosanne? Honeymooners? I mean who was the last strong male you have seen portrayed on TV??? I think it is the same in real life. Men have given away their manliness in a lot of relationships and are frequently afraid of their wives.

Tim Allen?

Yep, I agree with MEDC. Men have horrible role models on television.

I have always been a follower, and tended to attract men who wanted to lead. I think you find out those sorts of things very early in the relationship.

Hi mimi,

My story is exactly like yours difference I have a daughter and my husband claims he is seeing someone but unsure of it.

Well he sounds exactly like your husband and I do quit now and than. God help us

If you dont mind please share your story with me you can email to me [email]loraine_2803@yahoo.com.[/email]

Wish to hear from you.I am Malaysian

Here is the PLAN B Part..

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=023809

The PLAN A Part is somewhere lost in the MB'ers History Books.. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I'm sorry but I don't have the time to communicate with you through E-Mail. Plus, as I do, you will find it much more helpful to post on the forum in order to get assistance from all the troops...

Mimi,

I am finding that my WH would much rather be a part of every decision, but has trouble MAKING them. He is living under a huge cloud of many fears right now. As MEDC stated, some men prefer to be led, some prefer to lead.

I can't be sure, but WH has allowed himself to be LED for quite some time. He has strong opinions, but never really enforces anything or takes the lead. I'm hoping that he finds his way in this matter. I am a STRONG personality, and will take over a sitch if I see it floundering. I am learning to step back and allow others to take the lead, and I find it refreshing.

I hope, for WH sake, he can learn to step in. We have a son, and I believe it is paramount that a son be guided by his father, as well as his mother. My son needs a MAN to guide him. I respect that R, and hope that they can both find their niche together. WE are learning to PARENT also.

you are an active WS... do you think you might want to resolve that before stepping into discussions on this forum. you have shown no inititiative to end your A. What is your issue and why are you here?

For me it isn't about leading or following.

It is about control. I have had a tug against me for a long time in my M. I was accused of being controlling. Then I realized it is because I am in control.

Now what I mean by that is I don't lose my cool. I think of the optimal outcome and work toward that event staying in control and keeping my cool.

It seems to work well. My FWW on the other hand gets a little ovewhelemed when dealing with situations. She lets her emotions run her sometimes. She looks at a lot of situations and wants to find contingency plans for things that are not going to matter.

So in our relationship sometimes it is better for me to be the leader.

On the other hand she is more loving and caring and giving to others. So when it comes to that I follow her lead. She is in control.

I see nothing wrong with being a leader and a follower. Someone that wants to lead when they don't know how to get there will get you lost.